Five.

This week marked a big milestone for me. On Thursday, March 17th, St. Patrick's Day, I celebrated my 5 year anniversary since I buttoned up organized therapy.  I ended therapy on St. Patrick's Day on purpose.  I LOVE the holiday (it's that redhead in me) and I always wanted to remember the end with a happy day.  If I was a drinker I would maybe have an extra drink, but alas, I am not, so I had a big fat piece of sinful 7 layer chocolate cake in my princess bed and it was glorious.  

I've written about my experiences in therapy and post therapy a number of times on le blog. There is a lot about the therapy process that is still so wrought with stigmas and misconceptions in the media and I've tried to be as open and honest as I can about the process and what I learned.  There is also a part of my experience that purposely is staying in the past.  It includes the mistakes, the heartaches and the toxic pain that I shed through the help of my amazing therapist.  History remains history and there is just some of it that I don't need or want to talk about.  I know I have a lot of readers who have struggled with the process of therapy and didn't feel like it helped them.  Today I am going to be very real and very honest so that you can see that therapy didn't actually cure me.  Therapy made me a better me so that I could face life differently.  But, it sure as hell did not cure me. 

The first thing I want you to know about therapy: there is absolutely no shame in seeking help.  There is immense value in talking to a third party that you are not emotionally connected with in any way other than the fact that you air your dirty laundry to them and they take notes and offer suggestions for coping.  These brave souls who have chosen the career of mental health specialists are highly educated and wired to take on the analysis of our lives and brains.  God bless them because I couldn't do it.  I know enough about people and their weirdness through my chosen profession, but I don't need to know more.  Much of the shame that we may feel is because our brains are so mucked up with trying to deal that they want us to give up so that the wiring doesn't have to change.  However, just like a well-maintained engine, our brains do so much better when they are oiled and monitored and flushed on a periodic basis and therapy can serve that purpose if we will let it.  

The second thing I want you to know about therapy: it is only as good as how you apply it in your every day life.  I was TERRIFIED to end my time with Jennifer because I knew it meant I had to deal on my own.  It was scary to think about having relationships and facing life challenges after I was done checking in with her.  I made absolutely sure that I was ready to fly on my own, but I also had a long list of things that I kept and still keep close to my heart.  What are my triggers?  Who are my triggers?  What calms me down?  What can I let slide and what do I have to always do when I'm having a tough mental health day?  How do I stop myself from the avalanche of "what ifs" that I'm so good at doing?  Who do I trust implicitly with all the hairy details and who am I on a "need to know, surface only" basis?  The list goes on and on.  More than once I have had to sit myself down and have a mental tune-up to get myself back on track after a big event or boulder fell out of the sky.  2015 anyone?  My most recent therapy post talked about a pair of shoes that reminded me of a terribly awful relationship mistake that I made.  In the post I talked about keeping them as a reminder of what I had accomplished.  I am happy to report, that because of my own blog post and the triggers that I set off (boo to me), I ended up getting rid of those hot polka-dotted vintage inspired pumps because they (a silly pair of shoes) were a trigger and they needed to go.  Talk about a weight lifted when I don't see the lurking reminder in my closet anymore.  

The third thing I want you to know about therapy: you are still going to have hard days.  You're going to have completely shitty, sad, crying, awful, hard-as-hell days.  But, you will also have days when you will think, "wow, pre-therapy me would have crumbled quicker and longer in this scenario than post-therapy me." My knees still get bruised and bloody when I fall and my heart still breaks when a relationship ends or someone dies.  But, how I treat myself and how I work through it compared to pre-therapy is light years different.  I still ache to have a better reality in regards to a couple of things in my life, but I know that gratitude conquers all and with that I relish in what I DO have and let the rest go.  

The fourth thing I want you to know about therapy:  Decide that you will not settle for any type of treatment or abuse that will put you right back to where you were pre-therapy. THIS takes practice and a whole hell of a lot of effort. I'm still finding out little quirks and nuances that I thought were fully addressed are, in fact, still a raging issue if I'm not careful. I've had some conversations with my friends that have recently divorced when I asked them, "what went wrong on both sides and how will you improve yourself the next time?" There are a lot of people, myself included, who have a hard time admitting they were wrong and at fault and that they need to use their picker with more prudence next time. If your surroundings need to change for your therapy to stick, then move.  Have the faith to do it.  If you need to have a sitter to watch your kids so you can go to the gym, then MAKE IT HAPPEN and go to the gym.  If you need friends who don't encourage you to drink like a crazy person or use drugs, then bravely cut them off and find new friends.  If you need to have a date night and some good loving calendared with your sweetheart then write it on the damn calendar and do it!  Remember how I said therapy is only as good as you apply it to your daily life?  Well it is.  Trust me.  Don't spend all that money, time and effort and expect no change necessary.  That is a LIE.  Change is the point.  Change is the healer.  

The fifth thing I want you to know about therapy: You can go back.  Jennifer called them booster visits and I've had a few.  The funny part about mine was that we usually chuckled together because I knew what I needed to do and was well on my way to the right path.  Going to see her for a booster visit was mostly for validation that I was, in fact, coping like a boss without her.  I've kept in contact with her and will send her a periodic email from time-to-time just to solidify that I'm doing well and that she's still there.  I've referred a lot of friends to her. When it came time to leave Utah, I promise you that I had a conscious thought process that included "what if I ever need to go see Jennifer? Will this next home be close enough that I could do that?"  The answer is yes, but I'm confident that I probably won't need to use that lifeline because I am using her advice every day as best I can.  

I am grateful for this milestone.  It has not been an easy 5 years.  Holy hell, at times, it has been everything but easy. I've felt a lot of anger and hate, but I've also learned to deeply, truly love others and myself and I know that my choice to give organized therapy a shot is the reason why.  Don't give up on yourself. Talk to someone who can help you trudge through your sorrow and confusion.

The moral of the story: Breathe. Trust. Love. Have faith in the timing AND the process.  And most of all work.  Work very very hard to be your best you in spite of your imperfections.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Oh, The Places.

Last week many elementary schools in the United States celebrated the birth of Dr. Seuss with a day dedicated to his books and beloved characters. Social media was overflowing with cute art projects, soldier dads reading to classrooms full of kids and lots of quotable quotes from the good man himself.  As I enjoyed the total cuteness of Dr. Suess kiddo fandom, I was reminded of a Dr. Seuss book that continues to influence me even as a grown-up.  The book is, "Oh, the Places You'll Go!"

Who doesn't love Dr. Seuss and his quirky characters and perspective on life?  I loved sharing my thoughts on the Grinch last Christmas.  However, this book definitely takes the front row seat of favorites for me.  "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" was published in 1990 and was Dr. Suess' last published work. It was a deeply introspective book that touched many the minute it hit the bookshelves. I was lucky enough to receive a copy of the book from a family friend when I graduated from high school. She had personalized the book with photos from my childhood and teen years to go along with the words. It meant a lot to me, but I really had NO CLUE what places I would really go, literally and figuratively.

Fast forward 15+ years and here I am at a crossroads of life. I wouldn't categorize it as a mid-life crisis because it is far from what I define as a crisis. If anything it is a time of rebirth, redefining and fine tuning. Added to this mix is the experiences my family is having as my youngest sister finishes up her college education and anxiously awaits to graduate from college.  She and I have always been very close and I am almost a second mom (but cooler and mouthier) so I've had some mamma bear sentimental moments with her. She's my kid sister, not this gorgeous grown-up woman. She and I have talked a lot about what is ahead of her and what her plans for the future include. She is MUCH wiser and more sound with her finances than I ever was or will be, but she still experiences a lot of fear of the future like any normal, yet crazy senior in college. She shared some sentiments on Facebook last night that I really loved and had to laugh about because I remember being in her shoes, except Facebook was still being created and the entire universe didn't know I felt this way. She said, "Whoa. It just hit me that I'm turning 22 this year. What the heck happened to, oh, I don't know, my WHOLE LIFE? Oh, the things I have seen and done. There is really nothing that special about turning 22. It's all like, "Congratulations for settling in to your twenties. Enjoy them while you can 'cause before you know it, you'll be turning 30!" Great. Thanks, Karma. I'll try to remember that." I quickly replied by saying, "Enjoy each moment. I spent a lot of my 20's hating life and wishing for something better."

I often think about what I would tell my 22 year old self.  It's basically what I am telling my almost 22 year old sister. There are a few other things that are deeply personal and not meant for the public eye, but I really do think about what I could have done better.  It took me a good 10 years to embrace my imperfections and cut out the noise of those around me telling me what they thought I should be or do. I rang in my 30's not caring one damn bit about what people thought I should be doing, but I was still an internal mess.  I was coming off of two years of crazy tough therapy as well as an awful job that took its toll emotionally and a relationship that nearly suffocated my soul. Every year of my 30's has been a HUGE year of growth and I can honestly say that last year could not have been survived without the years that lead up to it to prepare me for battle.  BUT, that still doesn't negate how excruciatingly hard it has been to recover and grow. But, life goes on and I feel so much happiness as I discover new places to visit and new adventures to start.  And it doesn't hurt that we have KILLER sunsets in the country.  How can I NOT thank God for the stunning view????

The following passage from Dr. Seuss' book really hit close to my heart because of the many adventures I've had in my 30's.  It says,

"Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And then things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too."

I love this so much! Things can happen and they WILL. I, along with the rest of humanity, dream of having a magic wand to change our circumstances, but that's impossible. Each of the places we go in our lives are with much purpose and intended for growth. Growth is best achieved when we are forced to dig our way out of the dark and find the sunshine again.  Each of the places I've been in my life have brought incredible friends to my circle and critical lessons. Last night at dinner I laughed with my bestie and her husband and mused that if she'd had a perfect marriage with her first husband then she wouldn't know me. Her shit storm became my sunshine and 12 years later we still continue to reminisce on those crazy early days of our friendship and what we've weathered together.

As things start to happen for me here in my new home, I am filled with a TON of peace and happiness that I survived last year, both emotionally and financially, and that I was brave enough to take a chance on a place that is not what I expected it to be. I'm excited to discover new places here in Idaho that I've never been to before.  The next couple of weeks include a lot of travel for work and I'm stoked to see new places, try new restaurants and bask in the beauty of nature.  I'm also excited to plan some vacations that have been dreams for YEARS and treat myself to places that I've always held back for the "what if" scenarios of my life. The time is now for Miss Ray to ENJOY her life and show some self love and care.  That is truly the best place for me to be.  Too many years have been about others first and me second.  I can't do it anymore and that's OK. So off to paradise I will go.....fa reals.

The moral of the story: even the brainy people have to use their footsies to make shit happen.  Find your happy place and GET THERE already!

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Harmony Say What??

Greetings, my lovelies! It's been a whirlwind couple of weeks at Chez Ray Country. As we've been closing up the final stages of winter (WOOOOOOOOOOOT!), my entire team at work got crazy sick and of course spread their germs to the boss. Guess how thrilled I was to cancel travel plans to the 'hood in exchange for a NyQuil-induced coma of grand proportions last weekend? To add to it, I've been struggling with transitional growing pains with my move and HUGE shifts that come with life changes and facing realities and blah blah blah.  AND, in case that wasn't enough I decided to dabble a bit in the sludge that is online dating.

So, here's the deal.  I HATE online dating about 90% of the time. The 10% of the time that I have maybe liked it was because I got damn lucky and had the chance to spend some quality time with great guys that were still not my soulmates. I've gone the rounds with friends about how much I hate it because they have had GREAT success with it and met the love of their life via electronic communication and it was "the best thing they ever did." My own best friend met her husband of almost 10 years that way and that was when meeting online was archaic compared to now. He's a pretty decent guy and I remember VERY well when she knew she was in love with him and that they would get married.  P.S. - he's actually one of the greatest men on the planet so I don't ever have much of an ally in her for my hate fire of that one site with the word harmony in it.

That brings me to my next point: harmony.  Who the hell puts harmony in their business name? It's a recipe for disaster if you ask me and I often wonder how harmonious all those sappy relationships on tv actually are after a few years of matrimony.  The whole concept of this particular venue is insanely frustrating for me because it involves 8 bazillion stages and if I'm bored with the mundane process of multiple choice questions I can guarantee that the type of man I enjoy being around is also bored or too busy to care and will never find me anyway. I am the kind of woman who wants to cut the crap, ask some questions to see if we may enjoy each other on a first date, and then get to the point. I'm not a dance recital, fluff promoting, superficial sweet nothings kind of lady. Either it gels or it doesn't.

Then I found this meme on social media.  BOLTS of LIGHTNING, Batman, we have a winner! I promptly posted it on my Instagram feed and had a brief ranty moment mixed with some real honesty that I truly dislike electronic communication and would much rather have a real, live, in-person conversation any day. I mean, let's be honest, I've been in the service industry for my entire career and I've been on hundreds of potentially awkward "first dates" with clients and I'm a champ at making conversation even when I want to punch them in the face.  If I don't have a human in front of me, I would much rather have a phone conversation because I can still hear them and channel their voice signals.  I'm damn good at what I do at work, but electronic communication is NOT my first choice when I'm trying to display my affection or attention and that definitely spills over into my personal life as well.

Communication.  What a beautiful word. For some people I know and love, it's nearly as scary to say out loud as that other c word that sort of sounds like omittment, but with a c.  It's really hard to use grown up words when you just want to lay on your carpet square with your spill-proof sippy cup and take a nap. I get it! But, the fact of the matter is we HAVE to communicate to get shit done.  We just do.  Today I participated in a communication and sales training for work and it was incredibly enlightening when we got to the behavior analysis segment. I've been hearing about this part of the training since I joined the company and I was anxious to take the test for myself and my team lead to see where we landed.  Much to my surprise, we were very much a yin and yang mix.  As I looked back on some specific situations he and I have weathered together, it made sense as to how we approached the issue and how we proposed an outcome.  I also took a minute to analyze a friend of mine as well as my mother and I was SPOT on for both of them.  I'd like to say that the analysis of my mother was a news flash or epiphany, but it wasn't.

The one element of this behavior test that I appreciated the most was the notion that even though we fall into these categories and some of them are a little more challenging to deal with than others (my mother) that we CAN interact with all types of people.  And how do we do that??? We have to choose different words and actions.  Gasp!  Wait what? Additionally, we may react differently in certain situations than we do in others as well as reacting at home vs. the office. I've known for a long time (basically since year 2 of my career) that I'm WAY more OCD at work than I am at home. The dream of channeling the obsessive attention to detail of paper clip type and color or optimum sticky notes dimensions will never manifest itself with folding laundry. Be that as it may, I also discovered today, that this particular behavior test was very true with my personal friendships as well as my professional relationships.  I am a talker and a supporter. I need validation.  I need your ears and your affirmation. BUT, I also want to support you and am fiercely loyal and always willing to listen and be the mamma bear, resting bitch face queen, whatever you need, when you need it.  Sound familiar to anyone who knows me well?

My point?  Know your communication style and figure it our for those you care about and whose relationships you value the most. Even though I get ranty about my mother, I really do make an effort to communicate with her in the way that she understands, but I'm also gutsy enough to tell her straight up what I need from her to make our relationship work better. THAT part of the equation is a topic for another day. But, I know that it is possible to make the relationships work when we make the effort to communicate with harmony for both of us.  And so with that I will say this..........

The moral of the story: future baby daddy will likely not be from an electronic meet up facilitated by a website advertising harmonious match-ups and that is for the greater good of humanity.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R