Quality or Quantity?

The Ray's Reading Extravaganza continues and this past week I finished the book entitled "The American Heiress" by Daisy Goodwin.  If you've read my other book review posts this summer you've gathered that I've read some pretty random books, but every single one of them has provided me with laughter, tears, and a LOAD of compelling themes a.k.a. food for thought and blog topics!

"The American Heiress" had my attention when I saw that it would attract the "Downton Abbey" fan....guilty as charged so why not read it?  It was also a longer read than anything else I've read this summer so I knew it would take me more than a week to finish it.  I tend to get a bit of teenager ADD when I read books and after page 250, it better be damn good with great character voice and plot or I won't finish the book.  Wouldn't you know it, this book got juicy at about page 225 so I was hooked until the end.

The premise of this story is one that is common to the origins of 19th Century aristocracy and birthright; women married for money, a title, a big house (manor) and prayed like crazy that they would birth a male heir so that they weren't homeless and penniless after their husbands passed away.  They didn't vote or work for a wage; they birthed, shopped and had tea with their stuffy neighbors.  If you're a Downton Abbey junkie, you know that Mary, the eldest daughter, is on the hot trail to marry a semi-decent titled man who can take over the estate so that she can continue to live the high life that she's had since birth.  This book is the same gig.  An American heiress, Cora Cash, sets out to marry a English man (cue the swoony music because he'll have an accent) because she wants to be that kind of woman: the woman who marries a man who needs her money, but has a little of his own (and a title) when she finds him so she is set in society and can keep her mother happy.

I'm not going to lie, I struggle with the facts of pre-women's rights days.  I hate reading about women who were exiled because they could only birth daughters and women who had severe eating disorders because they were condemned to a marriage that was a political alliance and not two people in love joining in matrimony to have a fulfilling life and family together.  As I read this book, I was oddly haunted by a lot of cultural expectations that still exist among women of the modern age.  Yes, I know that you can totally go against the grain and do it your own way, but there are a lot of cultural standards that are still set and expected to be adhered to by religions and other sets of standards.  I, myself, having been raised in the Mormon Church, have felt insanely ridiculous pressure to marry for the resume and not the human.  I have friends who have been raised in other religious sects who have felt much of the same pressure.  To that, I say "what the hell?"  This is 2015, people.  Life is short, it should be sweet and ENJOYED.  We claim that we are on our way to equality, but are we?  At what point will it be OK to say, "I'm exercising my right to be treated as an equal in a marriage by not forcing myself to marry random dude so-and-so because he asked and he seems to be a pretty OK choice and can provide me with a wedding in the church (temple) and he has a job that will pay our bills."  Holy run-on sentence, but HOLY reality of life.

After the Supreme Court ruled for the equality of marriage earlier this year, I cheered.  I cheered because I thought, there has to be more of a mentality for equality in ALL things and if the right to marry whoever you want, male or female, is the start then hear hear...I'll toast to that!  I am a LOVER of the men, but I was so happy to see some movement for choices that served the masses.  Women (and men) all over the world live in agony and abuse and a web of lies because they are living with relationships, both marital and professional, that are completely illegal, ridiculous and/or avoidable.

As "The American Heiress" continued there was a constant looming hunch that Cora's husband, the duke, was somehow being unfaithful to her.  The social expectation (shudder) was that most men who were in politically driven marriages had a mistress on the side aka they were sleeping with the one who lit their fire while producing heirs with the one who was living in their castle and shared a sir name.  Super awesome.  Cora is constantly wondering if she is doing enough to please her husband and provide him with happiness at home so that he doesn't feel the need to take a mistress, if he hasn't already.  I have to give props to the author because she had me guessing right until the end as to the correct answer.  The moving pieces from all angles were nail-biting.  As I've thought about these themes since finishing the book, I've come to these conclusions, or sealed what I already knew:

• I am SO grateful I was not born a rich girl.  As much as I would love to not have a care in the financial world, I will take being poor, with substance, fidelity and true love, any day.  
• We have a lot of work to do to be truly equal in relationships.  We think we are liberal, but mentally we are still programmed to be submissive in some areas.  Stop that.  Embrace that you are a contributing human being to society for more than being the 9 month holding tank for humans.  
• No matter what, we deserve to be in relationships with someone who is QUALITY not quantity.  I bet if we could conduct an interview with Diana, the Princess of Wales, we would have all sort of facts to back this statement up.  God rest her soul because she went through so much to be hitched to the carriage of a royal.  Her consolation, as she watches from heaven, is a son who married the untitled woman he loved and has been an incredibly amazing husband and father, unlike his dad.  

I hope that my musings on marriage and equality will provide a glimmer of hope and inspiration to someone out there who feels the pressure to marry for quantity over quality.  If we are believers in true destiny, whether it be that which is provided by God or karma, then HOLD OUT to the day when your Gilbert Blythe comes walking through the door to love you til the day he dies and treats you like the incredible, smart, sassy lady that you are through and through.  

The moral of the story:  We deserve equality.  Lean in, stand up, speak up, don't settle and make it happen. 

Until next time, my lovelies.  

-R 

Turn Your Eye To The Sky.

Hello, my lovelies!  I bet you didn't expect more photos from my summer shoot with Kel-Z Photography to come up.  Bazinga!  I tricked ya!  I have two more that I'll be bringing to you, but I'll keep you guessing.  This photo is one of my favorites.  Ogden is ma 'hood and 25th Street is our playground.  I really wanted an umbrella shot and Kelsey had this totally amazing vintage umbrella that we were able to use.  Flowers, sunshine, blue sky, mountain view, cute shoes and pink?  I will take it!  Before we headed to the rainbow door (my FAVORITE photos) we snapped this photo at Ogden's Union Station.  

I've been on a social media siesta for the last month.  Life has kicked my trash a bit and I needed some self care, brain vacay and stepping away from social media seemed to be my answer.  During the last month, I've experienced some trigger moments, too many tears to admit, but a myriad of blessings that I may have missed if I was consumed with technology.  I've also witnessed some friends and family deeply struggling with the storms of depression themselves and it has reminded me that we can't ever ever ever forget to take care of ourselves and stay on track with what our body is telling us.  I have felt the need to share some thoughts with you about keeping an attitude of faith during the shit storm of life, but also being acutely aware of the signs that your body sends to you as a cry for self care.  

During the times of my life that I've been in deep, dark, incomprehensible depression, I've always wondered how I would get out of it.  My first extreme episode was when I was 19 and I would lay awake at night and pray to God that I would fall asleep so that when I woke up it would be gone.  Those are intensely haunting memories that I won't ever let myself forget completely.  The biggest lesson I learned from that first round of depression was the beginning of a decade of recognizing triggers.  It wasn't until I went to organized therapy that I admitted out loud that I had triggers and that I needed to be aware of them, accept them and be ready to work through them when something brought them up in my memory. Not easy. 

Triggers are those events, people, smells, shoes, sayings, tv shows, colors, foods that remind you of a time when you were in danger or volatile and send you in to a tale spin of epic proportions.  Triggers SUCK.  Most of the time you don't see them coming and when they smack you in the face you think, "DAMN IT, why did I let myself get here?"  But, the fact is, once it happens, you have to ride with the waves and go in to self care mode while your brain works through it.  I can't and won't tell you that I have all the answers about dealing with triggers.  We all have different methods of coping, but I can tell you that if you will turn your eye to the sky, remember that there is a big beautiful world full of people who love you, anything is possible and you will make it.  

Along with triggers, I want to talk with you about a little thing called Vitamin D.  As a redhead with fair skin who grew up in the insanely cold tundra of Southeastern Montana in an artsy poor family, I didn't know what outdoor recreation really was as a child and youth.  The concept of enjoying winter was foreign and it also meant that I didn't see a lot of Vit D time from October to April.  We HATE winter in my family.  It's depressing, cold as hell and dark at 4 pm.  When I moved to Salt Lake and experienced my first winter with the inversion, I thought I was going to die.  I was miserable.  I could hardly cope.  I was sick, it was dark and I craved clean air and sunshine something fierce.  It wasn't until my fifth Utah winter (what?) that I went to a lady doctor and asked to have my Vitamin D levels tested.  Do you want to guess the outcome????  I barely registered on the charts.  She looked at me and asked, "how do you even cope during the winter?"  Um, good question, lady!  In my previous 10 years of treatment and medical care I had NEVER had a lady doctor say, "let's test your Vitamin D and see if that is contributing to your depression during certain times of the month."  I sat in the exam room and cried.  I finally had answers.  Answers meant I could make a plan and help myself feel better.  

When I moved to Ogden, I thought, OK, self, we need to get a grip on winter.  My first winter here wasn't a walk in the park, but when I bought my current car, I knew that it was absolutely necessary to spend more money on an SUV so that I had the ability to solve my winter blues symptoms by driving to the grocery store myself after a blizzard for a week-supply of Diet Coke (totally have many times) or drive to Ogden Valley and find sunshine and clean air on a Sunday afternoon.  I am going in to my fourth winter in Ogden (holy moly, time flies) and I'm already making a plan of how I will make it FUN!  That is a real-life example of knowing my triggers and staying ahead of them as much as I can by having a plan.  

Vitamin D is critical to our mental health, my lovelies.  However, it can't always be consumed in food or sucked up by being outside in the sunshine.  Talk to your health professional and ask the questions.  Pay for the test to get an idea of where you stand with your Vitamin D levels.  Women generally are always low.  Just like me, when you have answers, you can make a plan and start self care and watch for your triggers.  Knowledge is power.  It truly is.  

The moral of the story: we live in a beautiful imperfect world full of people who love us and can help us when we don't know what to do next.  Eye to the sky, ask the questions and make a plan.  You can do it.  I know it.  

Until next time, my lovelies.  

-R

Beachy Reads & Sunshine Dreams: 2nd Edition.

Hello, my lovelies!  How's the last month of your life been?  Mine?  Sorta not my favorite, but lemons to lemonade has translated to LOTS of leisure reading; enough that I can now bestow a 2nd edition of Beachy Reads & Sunshine Dreams to all of you. *curtsy curtsy*  If you read my original post you know that these reads are defined as those that can be taken on vacation (preferably on the beach with no cell service) and read while laying in the sun.  They can also be defined as those that make vacation sweeter, not more stressful.  Got it?  So, let's get to the real information.

1. Love Walked In By Marisa De Los Santos:  This book had been gathering dust on my nightstand for MONTHS and I honestly don't remember where I bought it....I think the second hand store, but I can't confirm.  Either way, I thought I better give it a shot so that I knew I didn't waste the money I had spent on it.  Really cute read.  Very very funny narrator voice that sucked me in from the first chapter until the end of the book.  This book is also told from two different views and those are my FAVORITE as referenced HERE.  It's an unexpected love story that has some plots turns that you won't see coming.  I don't know if the maternal relationship that occurs between the two narrators drug me in (likely) or the funny prose, but either way I enjoyed it a lot.

2.  Heaven Help Us By Herbert Tarr:  This book.  HYSTERICAL.  I found it in a very large pile of old books when I was visiting my friend's family and their community book fair.  This book is the Jewish version of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" meets "The Best Christmas Pageant Ever."  I could NOT stop laughing.  I will admit it took me longer to get through this book, but only because I tend to read the books to myself out loud in my head and rabbi man voice didn't come as easy as froo froo lady voice.  Overall, I was so glad I read it because I laughed and laughed at the cultural differences that exist in the religion of Judaism, but also the era it was writtnen (1960's).  When the most scandalous event of the book is a fashion show among the church ladies and they model bikinis and crop shirts I thought I was going to fall out of my chair.

3. Mr. Darcy Broke My Heart By Beth Patillo:  This book is the 2nd of a trilogy of books that the author has written with a Jane Austen theme.  I discovered that she had written more when I was trolling through a local library.  I was really pleased to know that she had written more books because I LOVED her first book, "Jane Austen Ruined My Life" which I talked about in the first edition post.  I admit, I'm a total Darcy LOVER and I was semi-skeptical that she would make him into the bad guy.  It provided some deep thought on how and why the characters were written in the original novel and was a great story and light read.

4.  The Dashwood Sisters Tell All by Beth Patillo:  The third and final book written in the trilogy and by far my favorite.  I will tell you that you can easily read any one of Ms. Patillo's books and not get lost as to how she shapes her plots around Jane Austen's original characters.  They are modern tales and the plot line in this one really spoke to me.  For those of you who have read and/or watched "Sense & Sensibility" you'll know that the sisterly relationship isn't always favorable.  In fact the younger sister gets really tired of her older sister being the bossy pants regarding her love life and inheritance prospects, etc. etc. etc.....in case you were unsure...that's all that mattered then (TOTALLY different feminist-laden topic for another day).  I will openly admit that my relationship with my next youngest sister has had it's really rocky patches, but we have mended and our friendship is one that I value so greatly.  It also doesn't hurt that she is married to the goofiest, most glorious man on the planet who we are never letting out of our sight.  Family relationships can be tough, but with a little bit of effort and a TON of patience, it can be done.  There is a quote that I really loved from this book that I wanted to share.  It said, "All along we had been looking for the wrong thing.  We thought we were supposed to unearth some big secret between the sisters, but it had never been about the secrets they had kept from each other, but they kept for each other."  A bond between sisters is fierce and this book made me even more grateful for the two goofy sisters and one amazing sister-in-law that I've been blessed with in my life.

I hope that these itty bitty blurbs give you some inspiration for your next read.  If you didn't catch my last post, it is a review about another beachy read called "The Atlas of Love."  You can read that by going HERE.  

The moral of the story:  Sometimes the tallest, sweetest glass of lemonade in the lemony suck of life is a beachy read to let your brain wander and relax from the hellish reality of adulting.  Here's to froo froo lady voices in our head and lots of school girl giggles in our beds WELL past our bedtime.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R