We Mourn Because We Love: Part 2.

In May, I wrote a post about mourning and it's cankering effects on people and shared personal experiences from some of my dear friends and their own versions of mourning.  The past week has been a very difficult one for me to internalize and the level of mourning has been such that I felt that it was time to revisit the subject and pay tribute to my dear friend and his sweet widow.

This week, I paid my last respects to my friend, Clint.  Clint and I worked together while I was still in banking and very early on he said to me, "you need to know my wife."  Little did he know that those words would mean 8 years of a giant lesson in love, Gardner Village witchy fun, faith, courage, hope and what SOLID MARRIAGES look like.  When I met Clint he told me he was a cancer survivor.  I was shocked that such a fabulous man who was my age had battled an insanely aggressive cancer at the age of 19 and lived to tell about it.  Fast forward 5 years and suddenly Clint and Kamille were receiving the news NO ONE wants to hear; "it's back."  Well shit.  I was still living in Salt Lake at the time and I remember shedding tears and bracing myself for the funeral I never wanted to attend.  What I witnessed was one of the MOST courageous battles to fight cancer that I've ever seen.  Clint and Kamille were the true example of kicking cancer in the ASS (literally -- the cancer's favorite playground was Clint's glute muscles) and not letting it get them down, even though it did.  Did I mention they also have three kiddos?  Watch a short video with their story here:

Kamille has been a trooper.  She has faced the reality of her husband/handsome boyfriend being terminally ill with grace, truth and raw honesty.  She started a blog called "Clint The Cancer Warrior" as well as a Facebook page and the social media community was given a glimpse of many moments: the laughs, the serenity trips to Hawaii and the hours and hours camping at Huntsman Cancer Center with chemo and surgery after surgery after surgery.

So, why talk about mourning again?  Because it is happening to a lot of people that adored Clint.  But, also, I've learned some new things about mourning in the last month.  First of all, when someone has a terminal illness or ailing health, the mourning starts long before the death occurs.  It may not be a full force emotional state, but it starts on some levels.  I compare it to the pain that is under a band-aid that you know you need to rip off, but you're leaving it on because the festering wound under it is invisible with the band-aid in place.  Second, embracing the mourning process also means accepting the facts and embracing the positive with a smile on your face, but the willingness to cry.  Tears are healthy, but so are smiles and positive thoughts.  The third reality of mourning is one that I especially struggle with and that is the utter sense of empathy that is felt in my heart for Kamille.  I know from first-hand experiences that Clint was a true gentleman who ADORED his wife.  He was also a first rate father.  In Mormon theology we are taught that families are together forever, but how does anyone attempt to believe that when the only human you can't live without is suddenly gone? It's hard.  Really really hard.  The faith comes in facing each day as it comes.  I wrote a guest blog post this week and compared the recovery from depression and being a support for others to a lighthouse standing bright to light the way for those who are still out to sea.  I would also say that the same applies to mourning.  If you are someone who has been affected by a loss to cancer or the death of a spouse, comment below or reach out to Kamille on her social media sites. I know she would greatly appreciate the added support and words of encouragement.

The moral of the story: Saying good bye to a hero hurts, but the legacy will continue.  Clint was such a stalwart example and will never be far from our hearts.

Until next time, my lovelies.
-R

P.S.

Below is a video that Kamille posted on YouTube just three days after Clint passed away.   It shows the true face of her love for Clint and the sadness that she feels for his passing.  It's a tear-jerker.  To donate to Kamille and her sweet babes, please follow this LINK.

The Boston Girl : Becoming A Woman.

Becoming a woman.  A loaded statement if there ever was one.  I sometimes think back on my childhood and how I dreamt for my own money and the ability to choose and cook my own food and what clothes I wore all the time.  Ha!  What little I knew.  Adulting is hard!  It has its perks aka no curfew on Fridays or pizza for breakfast, but overall, the trade for the opportunity to pay bills and fix my car and do my own laundry isn't worth an unsupervised all-nighter and carb overloaded brunch from time-to-time.

Throughout my career vacation and book reading extravaganza, I've been inspired and moved by the characters I've met in each book. The most recent book that really touched me was "The Boston Girl" by Anita Diamant. The themes, tragedies and triumphs of this story brought me to tears and had me laughing just a bit, but overall it made me SO grateful to be a woman in an era when the quest for equality is present and mutual respect for women of any status is encouraged.  The women in this story lived during a time when their vote and their voice didn't matter and it wasn't easy.

The story takes place in the early 1900's in Boston.  Boston.  I heart Boston.  I'm convinced a piece of my heart still lives in Boston.  I visited while I was in college and it is a magical city.  The history, food (Cheers! - be still my heart), waterfront view, energy and cute Harvard boys rowing on the river all the time made it basically my heaven.  I loved every minute of being there. For this small town girl, the Boston version of city life was and is one that I dream of often.  One of the best parts of Boston is the historical district.  I caught a glimpse of it when I went to Cheers! to have dinner one evening.  Big, beautiful Victorian homes that took my breath away. I would love to say that the characters in the book were residents of these types of homes, but they were not.  They were a blue-collar Jewish family that did everything they could to survive living in their sufficient and very small flat.

Whenever I read a book I always look for themes that I can use in my own life and possibly a future blog post (nerd alert).  This book is full of themes that struck me to the core: women's rights, depression, death and mourning, religious respect and equality, family history and love.  Never ever forget the love.

The main character of the book is a grandmother who is giving her granddaughter a personal history of her life as a young Jewish girl in a family that had its struggles and much happiness.  As I read this book I thought of my own grandmothers and what they would tell me about being a young woman in their day and age.  What did they worry about?  What mattered to them?  What boys were they kissing before they met my grandfathers?  What was their love story and how did they know they had finally met the one they were going to marry?

There were a couple of specific quotes that I wanted to share with all of you and why they were memorable for me.  I won't tell you where they lie in the grand scheme of the book so there is still an element of surprise for the plot.

"When I look at my eighty-five-year-old face in the mirror today, I think, "You're never going to look better than you do today honey, so smile."  Whoever said a smile is the best face-lift was one smart woman." This is beautiful.  There are so so so so many days that smiling is the last thing we want to do.  How do we keep a smile on our face when we've had a major disappointment?  How do we smile through the tears when we've lost a loved one?  How do we smile when the bank account is depleted and the fridge is empty and the car needs gas?  Well, we just do. Fake it to make it.  If we really got technical and scientific, we would talk about the fact that there are muscles in our face that need stretching just as much as those everywhere else.  Stretch them, my lovelies!  Put a smile on your face and embrace the beauties and blessings of your life even amidst the storms.

"She said she felt better talking to someone she could see, someone who cared about her.  "The time I almost died in that bathtub, what kept me going was the look on your face and Irene's and that wonderful nurse.  I could see how worried you were, not angry or disappointed.  You just didn't want me to die.  And afterward, too, you never looked at me with anything but love: no pity, no judgement.  You made it possible for me to forgive myself."  Phew.  I so wish I could tell you the story behind this, but you'll have to read the book to understand the significance of this statement.  Even typing it brought a lump to my throat. In my own life, I have been immensely blessed with so many kind, patient friends and family members who have stood in front of me and embraced me and proved to me how much they cared. In our insanely BUSY and technology-driven world, it is very easy to shoot someone a text and tell them we care, but the human-in-front-of-human interactions are SO critical.  I loved the reference to looking at someone with 'anything but love.'  That is a magical moment, no matter the relationship or its status.  The connection that one can feel when their friend, family member, lover looks at them to convey their compassion is electric. It can save the day.  It can calm the heart and soothe the soul. When was the last time you felt that electricity in your own life? Thank the person. Hug them back. Say, "I love you."

"Women used to think we were supposed to act as if nothing had happened, as if losing a baby you wanted wasn't a big deal.  And if you did say something, people told you that you'd forget all about it when you have a healthy baby.  I wanted to punch them all in the face."  When I wrote my blog post "In My Life" I talked about some conversations I had that inspired me to write the post.  One of those was a conversation with my dear friend who has multiple angel babies waiting for her in heaven.  This week I witnessed the pain that is being felt by another friend who is facing the one year anniversary of her angel baby returning to heaven.  Women are still facing the grief and pain that surrounds bearing and losing children.  Medical advances are vast compared to 1925, but pregnancy and birth is still risky business and takes great faith.  I commend my darling friends for their great strength and faith as they face their life of saying the number of pregnancies vs. living children.

"The Boston Girl" is a book that I will not forget for a long time.  It gave me a perspective and appreciation for becoming a woman. I am LUCKY to have a vote, a voice, an education and a career that I enjoy.  I am also LUCKY to have my health and an understanding of how I can cope on the days that aren't so easy.

The moral of the story:  Becoming a woman in 2015 hasn't changed much from 1925.  The scenery and fashion has changed, but ultimately, we still have trials and triumphs and hope for sunshine and happiness after the storm.  Keep looking life in the face with love.  Never EVER forget the love.

Until next time, my lovelies.
-R
 

We Mourn Because We Love.

About a month ago I found a book on my iBooks called "The Impossible Lives of Greta Wells."  The book peaked my interest because it was a time travel plot of a woman working through mourning of the death of her brother who passed away after a long battle with AIDS. The time travel is actually hallucinations from electric shock therapy, but she doesn't know it for quite awhile.  At first I was worried it might be a trigger for me, but it ended up being a really good healer (in an odd, semi-morbid way) and provided a raw perspective on mourning that still has me thinking.  As we prepare for Memorial Day in the United States, I thought it was only fitting that we address this life event that none of us can bypass and never quite master.  

I've read a number of books and articles over the years about the mechanics of mourning and the common denominator is always this: we mourn because we love.  Therefore, it is OK to cry and be insanely sad and angry, even when we know it was for the better.  I've also learned that mourning doesn't just address the death of a person.  It also addresses death of a relationship because of divorce, the closing of a chapter because of a career change, the death of a pet or even the mourning of childhood as a child becomes an adult.  I've had friends and family who have experienced ALL of these scenarios and it is very challenging and always comes back to: we mourn because we love.  I think the most challenging part of mourning is that we all mourn SO differently.  Since the passing of my Granddad, my Grandma has said many times to me that she recognizes that she mourns differently than her children and grandchildren and that she is always mindful of our individual challenges along with her own.  In true @beYOUdesignsut form I opened it up for my social media followers and friends to share some thoughts about their experience with mourning.  I was so moved and humbled that they were willing to share their thoughts with me.  To protect their privacy I will not include their names.

• H: "My dad passed away 9 years ago on May 28th; just before Memorial Day and his birthday.  I always think of him this time of year.  It took me a good 6 months to begin to feel somewhat normal after he died.  I was the quintessential daddy's girl and still find myself thinking about him frequently.  My mom, who had divorced him many years prior, was the one person that shared my grief in a similar manner.  This shared grief helped me get through the tough times.  It really helped talking with somebody that truly understood the sadness."

• A: "Sometimes the grief is so strong.  The only way to move forward is mourn again.  The way I mourn is to show pictures of my brother at times that I remember him most.  But my grief is always silent.
• A: "About mourning....wow.  I'm not sure I have the words to explain about grief and mourning.  There are so many things I've learned about grief since my mom died.  First of all, I had no idea how PHYSICAL grief is.  It's not just emotions.  It has full-on physical aspects that can affect you so much that they become overwhelming.  After my mom died, I had a hard time sleeping.  I often had headaches and I gained weight from the stress.  In addition, I had a hard time even caring about anything and I had VERY little patience for those around me.  Something very positive for me that has come from my grief has been seeing the "mourning with those that mourn" ideology [Mormonism] in action.  It was so comforting to have friends attend my mom's memorial service and cry with me.  Even months later, I have friends who talk to me about my mom and weep with me -- truly mourning with one who mourns: me.  But I've also seen it in my life.  I have SO much more empathy for others who have a death in their family.  I never would have had that much emotion or empathy regarding another person's loss without have gone through a similar experience myself.  It has truly been a blessing in my life to be able to mourn with other people who mourn."
• J: "I think mourning is a long process with very sudden, short-lived, truly sad moments.  My grandmother passed in January and she had been so sick.  I know she was ready and at peace so I am glad she doesn't have to suffer any more.  I didn't cry a lot when we had her funeral.  I was strong for my family and I felt a lot of peace knowing she was going to heaven.  (It is sad to leave this world, but the wonderful things to come are beyond my imagination.)  There were moments of sadness, but no lay down and cry sad times.  We really celebrated her life.  However, a couple of weeks later, someone posted something on Facebook about the slippers she made and how wonderful they had them at the cabin.  Friends of my cousin were using the slipper she made.  I was hit with insane jealousy and that they had them and I didn't.  I cried over slippers, but it was tears for the loss of the amazing woman who would never make me another pair.  It passed, but moments still come and go where you feel that loss.  Our lives continue on and we have to live in the present but the sadness of loss lurks somewhere under the surface and rears is head on occasion. 

My own personal grief experiences have all differed, but the experiences shared above really touched me because I've felt some of those same sentiments with different deaths.  I remember after my paternal grandmother had been deceased for almost 5 years that I had a total meltdown in the laundromat over QUARTERS.  She had given me her spare quarters when I was in college and at that moment, I missed her so so much as I held my sandwich bag of quarters.  Another friend's passing took a good four years for me to come to terms with.  His death was sudden and he had always been like an older brother to me.  He told me that he would be on the front row at my wedding when the time was right.  When I heard of his passing, I sobbed for months...years....that I had failed him and wasn't married when he died and didn't give him the chance to live up to his promise.  The knowledge of heaven and guardian angels has helped me work through that and I know that he will be with me in spirit when the day arrives.  A dear manager from the beginning of my career passed away suddenly a couple of years ago and I mourned quite deeply for her.  She was a HUGE inspiration and helped shape me in to an organized career woman.  I often think of her as I sip tea from the Starbucks mug she gave me for Christmas one year and when I have all my work notes in various notebooks and use her systems of "anti-post-it notes" to keep track of my day.

The moral of the story: May we share our quarters and send random mail while living the legacy of our loved ones who have passed on AND mourn with those who mourn.  One thing is for sure, it always eases the pain of others when there is a spare, caring shoulder to cry on when it is our turn.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R