Time has a way of flying by at warp speed and I don't realize how fast my spaceship of crazy is actually going until I look at a calendar and let it all sink in. To say life has been hectic since last we met, is an understatement. I am a broken record. Much of my blog in the last 18 months coincided with some really challenging times as a grown-up. Adulting sucks at times and finding reasons to love and appreciate trials is basically the hardest thing you can have handed to you. And the longer those trials drag on, the harder it gets. But, I've learned a few new coping skills that I want to share with all of you so that maybe one of you, maybe more, will take comfort in my crazy and know that there is sunshine on the other side of that shit storm you feel like is NEVER GOING TO END.
Small Blessings Are Huge Answers to Prayers: I am so grateful to know that I can pray to a God who I know is aware of me and loves me, in spite of my long list of imperfections. Even when I'm making choices that some might raise their eyebrows at, He is always right there by my side, quietly guiding my footsteps towards my destiny. When I chose to uproot my life in Utah, I knew that the transition was going to be hard. But, that was when I had it all mapped out and everything was planned in a perfect little way and I could handle THAT. Well, then my plot had a big fat twist in it and everything went exactly the opposite of what I thought I wanted. Little did I know that this breaking of my perfect pieces meant that I could be put back together and healed. I beat myself up over finally being honest with someone who I thought I loved and they did nothing. Their silence, their utter weakness, felt like it was my fault. It was not. It is not. He's an idiot. I'm better off. The end. The letting go was a small blessing, but a huge answer to a tough prayer to utter. I purged my hate disguised as love and moved forward.
Turn off the Static: Growing up in Southeastern Montana meant a lot of time on the road with no radio stations. This was the era of cassette tapes aka no smart phones or bluetooth, so it could get a little interesting if you had a long distance to drive and only so many tapes. It was rare that I would just allow myself to drive in silence because I was always afraid I would fall asleep at the wheel because of the boredom of quiet. Fast-forwarding to present day and I still find myself hitting patches of road here in Idaho where there are no radio stations; just static. Even though I have my trusty iPhone with Pandora and iTunes, they only work if I have cell service which is still spotty. Because of this fact, I now allow myself to drive in silence at times. I allow the static to be silenced. Our lives are like that too. Many times we want to have the noise all the time. Noise means our brain is focused on something else. Noise means we don't have to cope. Noise means masking reality. But, if we will turn off the static in our lives and let our heart and mind drink in the peace of quiet, we will discover parts of our soul that hasn't seen the light of day in a VERY long time. Parts of our soul that need way more nurturing than we give credit. I found a lost part of my soul when I turned off the noise and centered back to my heart and what it really needed and it was a remarkable breakthrough for me.
Look to the Light of Family & Friends: At one point this year there were three people in my immediate family without work; I was one of them. If you've never experienced the stress of unemployment I pray you don't have to experience it EVER. It's rough. It's just not pleasant. However, it has taught me to turn to the light that is family and friends. The list of blessings is vast, but I could not have survived without countless FaceTime calls with my Colorado loves, the GIANT warm chocolate chip cookie that showed up on my doorstep one day, the encouraging words nearly every day, and the opportunity to cry when I needed to cry. That run-on sentence can't be broken because it truly symbolizes that I kept moving. I kept holding on when I wanted to break up with my crappy life. But, I didn't. I kept going. My version of moving forward soon became known as "Ray the Neigborhood Nanny." A smidge of magical Mary Poppins, a smidge of sassy swearing sailor, a bit of old-fashioned school marm and an enabler of soda fountain mixed drinks addictions. It was the SWEET life and I felt loved and needed and that was the glue putting my pieces back together. Plus now my besties kids LOVE me. More than they already did. It's awesome. I conned my niece with the promise of Starbucks tonight! Muwhahahahahahaha, Neighborhood Nanny is also a bit of a villain. That's the redheaded older sister in me.
Tell Yourself, "It Will Be Ok." and Believe It: I have a sister who hates quotes on signs or the wall. It's super trendy these days, especially in Utah, and she is a ranty rage when we ask her if she wants a quote on her dining room wall. I, on the other hand, welcome all the wordsy reminders I can get, to help me stay calm and practice true self-care. When I lived in Ogden, my bathroom mirror was "words of affirmation" central. I put them in the bathroom because I spent a lot of time in there getting ready for the day and that's when I needed to remind myself that everything would be ok. The more I walked in my bathroom and read my own affirmations out loud, the more I believed it. The brain is a powerful tool. It can either help or hurt you. Now that my bathroom is a shared space and upstairs, I have my affirmations tacked on my bedroom wall and I still read them daily. It did turn out, I did get the good job, and whoever the future baby daddy is actually supposed to be; he is out there in the universe being groomed to what I need most. But, he better not shave off his beard or I'm folding on that birthing plan.
This little bloggy blog is my place to share some sunshine and I hope that it can continue to be that for my readers as well. I want you all to know that we CAN face the shit storm with humor, poise and faith. And when all else fails, just remember....
The moral of the story: You can always be the neighborhood nanny to someone and lend your time and love in times of need, both for you and them.
Until next time, my lovelies
-R
Be sure to check out the biz side of "Let It Be & Celebrate" by visiting www.beyoudesignsut.co
Last week I mentioned that I recently finished reading the book, "The Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand in the Sun and Be Your Own Person" by Shonda Rhimes. What an incredibly inspiring book! I couldn't take notes fast enough, but I managed to jot down some of the things she wrote that really struck chords inside my soul. It is kind of surreal what has transpired in my life since I listened to this book because much of what she said about taking risks and being brave is now applying to me on so many levels.
Shonda Rhimes is one of the most successful, smartest, bad ass women in Hollywood. She is the genius behind McSteamy, McDreamy (MY personal favorite and totally on the Top 5 Hotties List) and some of the most poignant and deeply passionate fictional characters on ABC television. But, did you know that she is also an introvert of extreme proportions, a single mother of 3 daughters through adoption, and her best friend is actually one of her television characters? 'Tis true. She is just as deeply complex as her television characters and that is why her shows are so popular across the demographics. Here are a few things I picked up while listening to the audio book.
Parties make everything better. If you are a frequent viewer of Shonda's shows, you know that she is big on parties. There is always a reason for celebration and a reason to dance, even if it is surviving a long grueling day in the ER of Seattle Grace. This philosophy on life stems from Shonda's childhood. She grew up in a very loving family with a mom and dad who were the poster-perfect sweethearts and parents and they always had a reason for celebration. I also love a good reason to celebrate and find comfort in a good party, even if it is something as simple as a tasty drink and delicious dinner out with friends after a challenging day of life. There is always always a reason to celebrate. We can celebrate living each day we open our eyes again.
The nothingness of terror stole all the fun. Because of her intense introverted personality, Shonda turned down countless interviews and appearances because her fear paralyzed her ability to do something new. She was WELL in to her television empire with Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice before she had this epiphany year of yes. When she decided that she would say yes to life, it also meant that she had to face her fear and start stepping out of her comfort zone and making appearances to promote and celebrate her success. One of the first scheduled appearances was speaking at her Alma Mater, Dartmouth College, for their commencement exercises. I was able to listen to the live version of this in the audio book and it brought tears to my eyes. I was driving across east Idaho and almost had to pull over just to listen and cry. I have felt a lot of fear and unrest in the last 2 years of my life. Even in the last 2 weeks of my life, I've thought "what the hell just happened....PLOT TWIST!" We can all do hard things even when we think we are completely incapable of doing it.
Here is the YouTube video of Shonda's address at Dartmouth. Please take the time to watch it. It is amazing.
Power pose like Wonder Woman.This was such a hilarious part of the book. She gave numerous "statistics" about standing in the position of power like Wonder Woman does when she is about to save the world. She was 100% sure that it had changed the course of her own life and I have since tried it and I know that it helped me feel like I could accomplish a few lofty tasks. Life is hard, but hard is relative. Many times we are faced with trials that may seem similar, but really they are 100% different. I am feeling this on a very personal level right now and I can attest to my current challenges being so very different than the others. Yes, the common denominator is there, but the circumstances and surroundings are different and much much better in more ways than they are worse. Life is WAY hard, but somehow, the hard part seems to diminish itself when we turn to our tribe and to God to carry us on the days when we just can't do it anymore. I am so grateful for a tribe that includes some new faces and lacks some others. The level of difficulty of life is truly relative and it eases up when we turn over our faith to God and let others serve us in small, but simple ways as well as in very large, critical ways. Lemons to lemonade can mean so many different things depending on the time of day, the severity of the trial and the types of people we are surrounded by as we keep swimming.
Find a cause you love, focus on something outside of yourself; hashtags aren't a movement. She spent a lot of time talking about finding a cause that you are passionate about and changing the world. She was very specific in stating that just because we hashtag a photo on social media for a cause does NOT mean that we are moving mountains to improve something. We need to get out of our seats, open our mouths and help others around us who have it far worse than we do. This is such an important part of my life. I am a non-profit guru because I have felt the immense healing power that comes when I step outside my complicated brain and look for ways to help others. If there is cause to aide at-risk children, I am on it. My mamma bear instincts are fiercely present in my non-profit work because I know that it is so important to protect our rising generation and it also fills a void in my heart as I wait to be a mom to my own kiddos. The air you are breathing is rare air; appreciate it. Every day is a gift from God. For those of us who live in countries that are modernized we often take for granted the gift it is to breathe clean air. We are so damn lucky to live in peace and harmony with medical care that is as advanced as its ever been and to have clean tap water and food that doesn't rot our insides. We are damn lucky to have the opportunity to vote, get a post-secondary education and work in occupations that require us to use our brains. As you read this blog, there are men, women and children who are starving and laying their heads on dirt floors wondering if they will wake up tomorrow, will have food to eat and if their babies will live another day in such dire circumstances. There are women who are self mutilating their reproductive organs so they don't bleed anymore and lose their jobs because they are unable to have the sanitation products to remedy their condition. There are orphans who spend countless nights wondering if anyone will ever love them and care for them other than some strangers in the other room. Thank your lucky stars for the rare air you breathe.
You find your magic and I'll find mine. How many times have you got stuck in the vortex of unsolicited opinions? The trip to Target that should take 10 minutes and mean peace in the dollar bins section turns in to 20 questions about why you're not breast feeding your next baby? Or, my absolute FAVORITE, when asked why you aren't dating anyone or starting a family and that time is ticking and you won't have as much time to make babies if you don't get to it. So, ya, here's the deal....according to Shonda.....we all need to have the attitude of "you find your magic and I'll find mine." As you can imagine, a woman who has willingly chosen to be a single parent through adoption has had her fair share of unwelcome opinions. She finally got to the point that she had to say, "I'm living my life and you live yours." This has been a really life-changing philosophy for me since I went to organized therapy. I have a few souls in my life, who will remain nameless, who have bombarded me with opinion over the years. As if their spewing nonsense is a magic equation that will change the course of my life. I am doing the best I can and so are you so how about we support each other and love each other unconditionally and live how we see fit.
It's not diversity; it's called normalizing. This portion of the book was one that really struck chords for me. She talked about an awards ceremony that she spoke at which honored diversity in the LGBT community as portrayed on television and in the movies. During the speech she said that many times people have thanked and praised her for writing television characters that are so diverse, complex, twisted and vulnerable. She also said that she will correct people and say that she is not bringing diversity to television, but she is normalizing television. She is bringing to her viewers what they see in actual life. She is bringing characters who struggle with sexuality, PTSD, infertility, death, birth, alcoholism, addiction and the list goes on and on and on. THAT is life. THAT is our reality. We are HUMANS with beating hearts. We all struggle. We all wish we had something better. Her goal in each of her shows is to not just have the token black alcoholic who is in senior management of a hospital, or a gay Republican who can't admit who he loves or an Asian feminist who finds the most satisfaction in her career, not a relationship or even the Caucasian dream boat who may be a pretty face, but is just as imperfect as his seemingly less attractive counterparts. She portrays people as they are in actual life. She wants people to feel that their tribe is waiting when they turn on the TV on Thursday nights or as they're binge watching on Netflix. To further explain this point, I found a outstanding video of Kerry Washington speaking about her experience working in ShondaLand (the name of Shonda Rhimes' company) that I thought explained this philosophy so beautifully. It is much shorter than the commencement address from above, so please take six minutes to watch it.
Hate diminishes, love expands. As a black female, Shonda is very familiar with the hate that is ever present when people who are different are in the room. As a child she was often bullied and mocked for her weirdness and her coping mechanism was writing. She often found solace in her characters and would sort out her thoughts by writing characters that were dealing with similar struggles. I'm a big advocate for journaling in the therapy and coping process for similar reasons. I have calmed my brain down many times by writing out the "plot" of my life and the characters in it and sorting out the story on paper. Somehow doing it on paper and pulling it out of my brain makes it turn from an emotional thought to an analytical equation that I will either solve or will not solve. I thank God daily for a therapist that encouraged me to journal this way because it has served me well many times over the years. Shonda's favorite character is Cristina Yang from Grey's Anatomy. The reasons are many and I won't give it all away because the insight she shares about Cristina are really beautiful and you should read the book! But, I will say this, it made so much more sense why she wrote Cristina as a fiercely driven and passionate feminist because she needed a way to sort her own thoughts. She also shared that Cristina was one of her best friends over the years because her plot lines helped Shonda work through a lot of her personal struggles.
I hope that we can all take something from these thoughts from The Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand in the Sun and Be Your Own Person" by Shonda Rhimes. Upon finishing this book, it promptly went on my list of "MUST listen to annually" books because it had a zen-like power on my brain because I related to her struggles and passion very much. Life is dang hard, but life is also so beautiful and full of love and simple joys.
The moral of the story: Keep fighting, keep speaking your mind for the causes you love, and keep saying yes to life!
Until next time, my lovelies!
-R
Be sure to check out the biz side of "Let It Be & Celebrate" by visiting www.beyoudesignsut.co
Blank blog posts are always a little intimidating for me because I never quite know what I'm going to say and type for all of you. Writer's block is lame and it's even more ridiculous when you know damn good and well that you could spew sadness and bitterness, but opt for sunshine and rainbows and let's all find the silver lining together. And so.......here I go.......
Oh! Before I get deep, let's all sigh at this glorious photo from my last photo shoot with Kel-Z Photography. We found this great backdrop on Washington in Ogden, Utah and she caught me in the "Ray being silly (aka normal)" moment perfectly. This is basically my life. Crazy and really winging it at adulting. You'd think I would have it figured out by now. Nope. But, I digress. And so.....here I go.....
Life is crazy. Life is beautiful. Life appears to be unpredictable in our eyes, but in the eyes of God, it is planned just as it is meant to be. This is a challenging concept for me to swallow tonight. In case 2015 wasn't without enough adventure, I was thrown a pretty swift curve ball to the gut this week. I won't get in to details because it's done and I am moving forward, but I will share some musings with you that I've had in the last 48 hours.
Last week I shared some thoughts about the seasons of life and the seasons of mental health. I also shed light on how challenging it can be for me to deal with the sudden changes and bumps in my ride of life aka adulting. What does it all mean? Why does shit happen? Why do we cry like a sniveling baby with seemingly no control? I have people tell me, "you're amazing, you're strong, you'll be OK." I've also thought, "OK, this is super rad blog content, but I'm kind of over it so can we JUST have unicorns and rainbows and cease with the shit storms?" But, the reality of it is my life is beautiful chaos and a long list of imperfection, but it is MY life. I've been brewing up some new projects for 2016 and as I thought about how this little bloggy blog and my Instagram started I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the ride. This has been a healer and a helper for me in so many ways. But, it isn't just about me! It's about all of you and your stories and your struggles! We do this together and I am so grateful.
Our blessings FAR outweigh our burdens and I can feel it. I came home tonight after going to dinner with my friend and in spite of us saying fewer words that we usually do because we were exhausted after a LONG week of adulting, we both felt better and more at peace with our realities. I feel MUCH gratitude for the people in my life who get my dry, often dirty humor and jaded Ray outlook on life, but also see the deeply spiritual, authentic thinker and fierce lover that I am. I could totally be a bitter bitch and hate God and never get out of the trenches of self-shaming, but I'm not doing that. I am doing all that I can to let my brain process and cope and laugh when I feel like laughing and cry when I need to cry. My dear friend wrote an incredible blog after her son passed away and she often talked about the sunshine promises. The fact that there is always sunshine after the storm. That is so so so true. However, when we are in the dark of the storm, it's sometimes hard to remember, "oh ya! Rainbows come AFTER the rain and flowers grow better with rain and then sunshine."
When it is all said and done, we will look back on our toughest days and think, "holy crap, I was a master of self control and patience for not killing kittens and puppies while I was going through that mess." I also know that we will look back and LAUGH when we still have the most important people in our lives because they strolled in at just the right time and didn't leave. I have a good amount of sadness in my heart right now, but I also have an even greater amount of love and pure gratitude for my tribe of humans who, once again, are carrying me. We CAN do hard things. Absolutely we can. And in the meantime, I'm going to take a nap (or in this case, go to bed before the clock strikes 2 a.m.)
The moral of the story: Blessings are greater than burdens. Write it down. Embrace it. Believe it. And I'll do the same.
In life it is either feast or famine for me. I'm a hopeless cause for balance some days and sometimes I just throw all care and worry to the wind and tell myself "it could be worse, I could be a dangerous addict of some kind." Might sound a bit harsh, but I find it rather amusing (most days). In the last year I have read more books than I have in the last 5 years. College fried my brain and my love for reading and it has taken me this long (10+years) to recover and find my reading bug again. While I was exiting my last career, the stress was SO HIGH. I would come home at night and want to crawl in a ball and cry, but knew that wasn't always the answer. I started to see some great book recommendations on Instagram and Facebook and started to read again on my iPad. I'm a big dork about reading and if it makes my eyes hurt or I can't see the words, I won't do it. **old lady status** The beauty of my iPad is a bright, back light that means I can read in my bed, in the dark. Perfection. The last two books I read have been actual hard-copy books, but only because of a random chain of events, including a new light bulb in my lamp.....don't ask..... The first book I am going to save for a 2nd edition of Beachy Reads & Sunshine Dreams, but the second gets its own post. Read on, my lovelies!
Do you ever walk into the dollar store and stroll past the books and wonder if it's all crap or if there might be something worth reading hiding in the pile that will only cost you a buck? On occasion I do, and the last time this happened was when in Idaho visiting my Jo bestie. She was picking up a few items at the dollar store and the books were in the front of the store...bonus! I started to dig through them and this book popped out at me. As you know from my post about Sarah Boucher's book, "Becoming Beauty", I am a sucker for a pretty cover. I shout praises to authors who have publishers with art departments that know what their doing with cover art. I mean, I'm only one person, but I take the cover in to serious consideration when deciding whether or not to read a book.
The front of the book says the following, "This story of women's friendships and redefining 'family' flows with lovely writing." I could end my review right now because the person who said it was spot on. But, I'm not!
There were five themes in this book that I want to briefly address. They are: friendship, faith, fear, family and love.
Friendship:The Atlas of Love is centered around the friendship of 3 graduate students in Seattle. Talk about three different personalities and family structures too. The reader quickly realizes that opposites do attract and these three girls are miraculously besties because they are SO different. The biggest irony of this book is that one of the main characters is Mormon and she's kind of a weirdo. I can say that because I was raised Mormon and I could tell that the author was very well-versed in her quirky Mormon. Still so funny, but probably more so because I could relate to it better and have known LOTS of women over the years very similar to this character....let's just leave it there. The entire premise of this book is friendship through thick, thin, sad, happy, angry and repeat over and over.
Faith: As I said earlier, there is a blatant reference to faith because of the Mormon main character, but she does not dominate the faith discussion. Throughout the book, there is much deliberation about faith in life, faith in God, faith in humanity and faith in what is meant to happen. Who can relate to that more often than you care to admit? **pick me, pick me**
Fear: This book involves a baby. It involves a baby that is a BIG surprise and thus enters a boat load of fear from numerous characters. How do you process when life throws you a curve ball that you didn't see coming? How do you process when life throws you a curve ball that you DID see coming? That's the toughie for me personally. Knowing that the end is inevitable because the writing is on the wall so you brace yourself for the impact. Fear of the future presents itself in numerous forms throughout the book as they deal with an unexpected pregnancy, some broken loves, balancing life and the mourning and coping that goes along with it.
Family: As I quoted above, the book talks about redefining family. Without giving too much away (ok, I'll give away as much is on the back cover), these three girls take on the raising of the baby boy who is named Atlas. They affectionately call it tri-parenting and it sort of works. They are all insanely busy graduate students so they make the decision that the only way this little boy can have a relatively normal life, given the circumstances, is for them to commit to be mothers together. It really is a heartwarming and delightful concept in theory, but they soon find that the mamma bear a.k.a. she who cooked and birthed said child is still the final say in all decisions made about Atlas. One of the things that really touched my heart was the passion that came from the two friends who weren't the biological mothers, but dedicated their lives as if they were his mother. In addition to their commitment to this little boy, their families also committed to being adoptive grandparents and everything that accompanied these roles. I related well because I am the proud adoptive aunt of lots of little people who I fiercely love as much as my biological nephews and niece. Motherhood hasn't been my adventure yet and I am so grateful for the little humans who call me Auntie Ray who aren't biological, but who I love like they were from day one.
Love: The backbone of any great story is love and this is no exception. Love is kind, love is selfless, love is patient and love is tough. And when I say tough, I mean both kinds--the enduring and the challenging. I know from personal experience that the more deeply we love the more deeply we hurt. It seriously sucks when it doesn't go in our favor, but it is also the most rewarding and beautiful gift to have in life. My heart runneth over when I see the beautiful, giggly faces of my nephews and niece via FaceTime and even more so when I get barrel-hugged (a real word) when I see them in person. The human heart and soul has infinite capacity to love if we will let it. I will be the first to admit that I am one who can easily put my heart in the deep freeze and let it sit on ice for an indefinite time, but I don't like how it makes me feel. I want to love and be loved, thus I take risks and embrace my ability to feel the way I feel and live life as it comes.
The quote above is near the end of the book and it really inspired me. Not too long ago I referenced "The End" really meaning "The Beginning" and I think this quote attests to that as well. When we have loved then we can come to the close of a moment and begin the next set of amazing moments. Love is our focus. Love can and will continue to reclaim us if we will let it. And just as this quote says there will be anger AND love, with hefty helpings of both, but love will always win. I will say it again....love will win if we LET it. Anger is hella toxic and it can eat you alive and burn your insides if you let it. Take the time to let friendship, faith, family and love heal your heart because when love is in the air, the next chapter is about to begin.
The moral of the story: All you need is love. The Fab Four knew what they were talking about. Trust it and let it reclaim you.
Happy Friday, my lovelies! What a week! I finished Amy Purdy's book "On My Own Two Feet" and it was incredibly well-written and inspiring. I couldn't put it down. I am not a reader. I get frustrated with not being able to see the book in my cave-dark bedroom (old lady eyes), but I have read more since I got my iPad mini because it has a back light...it's the simple joys of technology. This book though, I purchased in "real book" form because I knew I would want to highlight and mark pages and I was right. As I was reading the final few chapters and especially the epilogue I was moved to share some things with all of you that I haven't shared in depth up to this point.
The quote above was from one of the final chapters. After reading Amy's story of losing her legs, having a kidney transplant, learning to walk again, learning to dance again, opening a successful non-profit, and most of all learning to snowboard as a double amputee and later competing in the Paraolympics, I was floored when she said this quote. I am not a snowboarder and part of the reason is I am scared as hell of those big fat rocks that are secretly hiding under the glistening powder that cause people to go flying, bust up their helmet and have traumatic brain injury. But then I read this quote and it donned on me...uh, hello, Raylynn, you have your own set of hidden death boulders and it's called depression. Oh snap. I just said the D word. Now that I've said, we must speak of it.
Over the years I have had some c-razy bouts with depression. It started when I was 19 and I was prescribed birth control for ovarian cysts. My doctor assumed that I would be like any other woman and my body would just adjust like normal and I would be fine. What happened was one of THE most terrifying and hopeless times of my life. I kid you not. I laid awake at night staring at the ceiling wondering if I was going to make it another day, praying I would fall asleep and it would be gone and then as soon as the sun came up all I wanted to do was crawl under my covers and sleep. I would dry heave in the morning when I tried to brush my teeth and I had no appetite. I lost 50 pounds in 6 months. It was almost like I was pregnant. HORRIBLE. Depression is the biggest freaking paradox around. When you absolutely want to cut yourself off from civilization is when you absolutely NEED to be in civilization and around people who love you. It is the most painful awful realization because that is the ONLY way you can kick yourself out of it. And even when you do force yourself out of bed to interact with other warm bodies, it doesn't automatically mean it's going to go away. It takes time and effort and prayer and many times medication.
One of the main things I learned from that first terrifying rounds of depression were my triggers. It would still take me about 10 years to really get it down, but little by little I learned what set me off. At the top of that list is sleep. As soon as the sleep deprivation happens I can almost guarantee that I will slip into a funk. It's like clock work and it scares me. I am almost a habitual napper just so that it doesn't happen. True story. I also have learned that I need regroup time. When a crazy day has happened or something catastrophic has happened in my life or those around me I need quiet time. I need time in my bed (or the bath tub) in the peace and quiet to cry it out, think it through, nap it off and THEN we can move forward and have a plan.
The second really bad round was when I lived in Salt Lake and made the decision to go to therapy. I wrote about that experience in one of my first blog posts. You can find that here. That round I was more prepared because I knew my triggers but that didn't stop it from happening. I was in a really terrible job and was stripping myself of some emotional baggage and it took its toll. At this point I decided that I needed to get my ass to the gym and work it off and that's exactly what I did. But! Here's the deal, THAT still didn't' help on some days. I remember a few too many days that I would be at the gym for 3 hours of grueling tough classes and I would still walk out the door crying because the stress was so high. Thank God for those few good people who knew what was really going on and loved me through it.
The third round is the gift that keeps on giving and that is seasonal blues. I HATE winter. I hate being cold and I hate the days being short. I know....I should learn to ski, I should learn to snowboard, blah blah blah, but honestly, I don't want to at this point in my life. I'm getting closer, but it's a huge expense to just pick up a snow sport. Winters in Utah are really challenging because we experience inversion. Dark, smoggy gross days. It was worse when I lived in Salt Lake, but for whatever reason we've had some bad days here in the 'hood this week. On Sunday I knew that there would not be a single minute of sunshine so I just hid in my bed for most of the day. Then Monday rolled around and the same realization hit me as I headed out the door. Heart sank and I tried not to cry. To harbor the inevitable I came home every day and made dinner and crawled in bed to read my book. So I finished in a much quicker time frame than normal. Thanks to picking up my journaling again and escaping through a new book I am feeling pretty good today.
If I can make any point with this post it is this: you (yes you, not the person behind you) have NO idea who is struggling with mental health boulders. The other completely SHITTY thing about depression is the lack of physical side effects. I am an expert at "fake it to make it" but honestly I really wish that people would believe me when I tell them, "I am dying inside and I can't make it go away" and the reality that it may be that way one day and not the next. If the sun is out, especially in the winter, I am probably having a pretty damn good day. If it's no sunny, I'm probably not doing that great. I am so very grateful for the people who I have been blessed with in my life who have brought consistency and support as I have rode the roller coaster of life. I am also grateful for my trusty trick of napping it out and then facing the issue. It helps SO much.
The moral of the story: We don't get to pick what hides under the powder of life, but we can prepare ourselves by making damn sure that our equipment works the way its supposed to and we are ready to ride the bunny hill if need be.
Tonight I was the co-hostess for my dear friend's baby shower. She and her
husband were surprised with this pregnancy and they are pleased to have a little girl on the way. She is 38 and this is baby #5 so I insisted on a party. I may have gone over budget and I am not ashamed. I haven't bought anything pink and cutesy in years. And deep in my heart I look forward to my turn to birth a daughter. Yep. I said it.
I haven't talked a lot about my mom because she is funny about social media exposure, but I feel it is necessary. She can get over it after she reads this post. It hasn't been easy being the daughter to this woman. I am the oldest and she was young when I was born. She even admits that she kind of felt like a failure when I was still a baby so she had my brother quick to prove that she didn't completely suck at motherhood. She and I didn't see eye-to-eye for a lot of years and it was rough. However, this mamma bear was adamant that her kids were educated and they knew the facts of life. We may have been scared shitless to mess up but we knew choices brought consequences and that we had to work hard to be successful. Now there are lots of regrets in fights and statements that were made but forgiveness is real and there have been some pretty major trials and experiences for both of us that have helped us grow.
It is not easy for a woman who had 5 hooligan brothers to raise 3 daughters. It is also not easy to raise girls when the oldest is a redhead, the middle is a feisty free spirit and the youngest is an angel from God. We are the Motley Crüe of whatever. But. We are passionate. We are deeply commited to our family, our sweethearts and our country because our mom is to hers. With that I give further insight.
Family: My mom is very very devoted to her family both living and deceased. She's a family history nut and as a result we know all sorts of information about the living and the dead. Additionally, she absolutely loves her parents, her brothers, her sisters-in-law and her grandbabies. I have never set foot at Disneyland because any available family vacation time was spent with her family. They are loud, redneck, very Republican but oh so incredible. And we are content with a package of hot dogs, some buns and a fire, as long as we are together.
Love: My mom made the decision to be a homemaker from day 1 of her life as a mother. She raised us with a passion for musicals, opera and family history, among other things. We also knew that she had fallen short of a bachelors degree to raise kids and it always bothered her that her education wasn't complete. So she insisted that all her children, especially her girls. would be educated. It just was not an option to give up in the middle. It was a proud day for me to see her graduate with her bachelors degree a week after I did. She has always been a devoted wife to my quirky adorable dad. The older I get and the more relationships I have the funnier it is to see how their relationship ticks. They are a crack up, but a good match.
Country: Without doubt I can credit my love for this country and its flag because of my mom. We knew when ALL the flag-flying holidays were and why they existed. We also knew that both our parents were faithful voters and I was most excited about turning 18 so I could have my turn at the polls. The right to our opinion was and still is a sacred one and she was proud of us as we exercised that right.
We are living in an extremely different time than when I was a kid. Our girls are exposed to muck and smut all day long from so many different avenues. If you think that you can protect your daughters from it all YOU ARE WRONG. At one click of a button she can see every which way to do whatever and whenever. We need to teach our girls to know their boundaries and stand their ground in school, work, relationships and the polls. If we are teaching the fundamental wisdom that choices bring consequences and being REAL about what those actually mean it will be ok. And even if they mess up they will rebound and come back. I am deeply upset when I see things that fly across the news that take away the right to choose for women. I am a Mormon and I just said that in print. Get over it. And I'm not talking about abortion or birth control so don't jump to conclusions. And ya, that may cause you to roll your eyes, but ultimately we need to have the right to dictate our own lives and the choices we make are our business. If we make it our life's mantra to live and let live, I know that we will be greatly enriched by everyone who is going after the same goal: to make it another day and not go bat shit crazy. It's pretty simple.
The moral of the story: much to her surprise my mom raised awesome daughters who are a lot more like her than they will EVER admit out loud.
