This Thing Called Adulting.

Blank blog posts are always a little intimidating for me because I never quite know what I'm going to say and type for all of you.  Writer's block is lame and it's even more ridiculous when you know damn good and well that you could spew sadness and bitterness, but opt for sunshine and rainbows and let's all find the silver lining together. And so.......here I go.......

Oh!  Before I get deep, let's all sigh at this glorious photo from my last photo shoot with Kel-Z Photography.  We found this great backdrop on Washington in Ogden, Utah and she caught me in the "Ray being silly (aka normal)" moment perfectly.  This is basically my life.  Crazy and really winging it at adulting.  You'd think I would have it figured out by now.  Nope.  But, I digress.  And so.....here I go.....

Life is crazy.  Life is beautiful. Life appears to be unpredictable in our eyes, but in the eyes of God, it is planned just as it is meant to be.  This is a challenging concept for me to swallow tonight.  In case 2015 wasn't without enough adventure, I was thrown a pretty swift curve ball to the gut this week.  I won't get in to details because it's done and I am moving forward, but I will share some musings with you that I've had in the last 48 hours.

Last week I shared some thoughts about the seasons of life and the seasons of mental health.  I also shed light on how challenging it can be for me to deal with the sudden changes and bumps in my ride of life aka adulting.  What does it all mean?  Why does shit happen?  Why do we cry like a sniveling baby with seemingly no control?  I have people tell me, "you're amazing, you're strong, you'll be OK."  I've also thought, "OK, this is super rad blog content, but I'm kind of over it so can we JUST have unicorns and rainbows and cease with the shit storms?"  But, the reality of it is my life is beautiful chaos and a long list of imperfection, but it is MY life.  I've been brewing up some new projects for 2016 and as I thought about how this little bloggy blog and my Instagram started I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the ride.  This has been a healer and a helper for me in so many ways.  But, it isn't just about me!  It's about all of you and your stories and your struggles!  We do this together and I am so grateful.

Our blessings FAR outweigh our burdens and I can feel it.  I came home tonight after going to dinner with my friend and in spite of us saying fewer words that we usually do because we were exhausted after a LONG week of adulting, we both felt better and more at peace with our realities.  I feel MUCH gratitude for the people in my life who get my dry, often dirty humor and jaded Ray outlook on life, but also see the deeply spiritual, authentic thinker and fierce lover that I am.  I could totally be a bitter bitch and hate God and never get out of the trenches of self-shaming, but I'm not doing that.  I am doing all that I can to let my brain process and cope and laugh when I feel like laughing and cry when I need to cry. My dear friend wrote an incredible blog after her son passed away and she often talked about the sunshine promises.  The fact that there is always sunshine after the storm.  That is so so so true.  However, when we are in the dark of the storm, it's sometimes hard to remember, "oh ya!  Rainbows come AFTER the rain and flowers grow better with rain and then sunshine."

When it is all said and done, we will look back on our toughest days and think, "holy crap, I was a master of self control and patience for not killing kittens and puppies while I was going through that mess."  I also know that we will look back and LAUGH when we still have the most important people in our lives because they strolled in at just the right time and didn't leave.  I have a good amount of sadness in my heart right now, but I also have an even greater amount of love and pure gratitude for my tribe of humans who, once again, are carrying me.  We CAN do hard things.  Absolutely we can.  And in the meantime, I'm going to take a nap (or in this case, go to bed before the clock strikes 2 a.m.)

The moral of the story:  Blessings are greater than burdens.  Write it down.  Embrace it.  Believe it. And I'll do the same.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

The Atlas of Love.

In life it is either feast or famine for me.  I'm a hopeless cause for balance some days and sometimes I just throw all care and worry to the wind and tell myself "it could be worse, I could be a dangerous addict of some kind."  Might sound a bit harsh, but I find it rather amusing (most days).  In the last year I have read more books than I have in the last 5 years.  College fried my brain and my love for reading and it has taken me this long (10+years) to recover and find my reading bug again.  While I was exiting my last career, the stress was SO HIGH.  I would come home at night and want to crawl in a ball and cry, but knew that wasn't always the answer.  I started to see some great book recommendations on Instagram and Facebook and started to read again on my iPad.  I'm a big dork about reading and if it makes my eyes hurt or I can't see the words, I won't do it. **old lady status** The beauty of my iPad is a bright, back light that means I can read in my bed, in the dark.  Perfection.  The last two books I read have been actual hard-copy books, but only because of a random chain of events, including a new light bulb in my lamp.....don't ask.....  The first book I am going to save for a 2nd edition of Beachy Reads & Sunshine Dreams, but the second gets its own post.  Read on, my lovelies!

Do you ever walk into the dollar store and stroll past the books and wonder if it's all crap or if there might be something worth reading hiding in the pile that will only cost you a buck?  On occasion I do, and the last time this happened was when in Idaho visiting my Jo bestie.  She was picking up a few items at the dollar store and the books were in the front of the store...bonus!  I started to dig through them and this book popped out at me.  As you know from my post about Sarah Boucher's book, "Becoming Beauty", I am a sucker for a pretty cover.  I shout praises to authors who have publishers with art departments that know what their doing with cover art.  I mean, I'm only one person, but I take the cover in to serious consideration when deciding whether or not to read a book. 

The front of the book says the following, "This story of women's friendships and redefining 'family' flows with lovely writing."  I could end my review right now because the person who said it was spot on.  But, I'm not!  

There were five themes in this book that I want to briefly address.  They are: friendship, faith, fear, family and love.  

Friendship:  The Atlas of Love is centered around the friendship of 3 graduate students in Seattle.  Talk about three different personalities and family structures too.  The reader quickly realizes that opposites do attract and these three girls are miraculously besties because they are SO different.  The biggest irony of this book is that one of the main characters is Mormon and she's kind of a weirdo.  I can say that because I was raised Mormon and I could tell that the author was very well-versed in her quirky Mormon.  Still so funny, but probably more so because I could relate to it better and have known LOTS of women over the years very similar to this character....let's just leave it there.  The entire premise of this book is friendship through thick, thin, sad, happy, angry and repeat over and over.  

Faith:  As I said earlier, there is a blatant reference to faith because of the Mormon main character, but she does not dominate the faith discussion.  Throughout the book, there is much deliberation about faith in life, faith in God, faith in humanity and faith in what is meant to happen.  Who can relate to that more often than you care to admit?  **pick me, pick me**

Fear:  This book involves a baby.  It involves a baby that is a BIG surprise and thus enters a boat load of fear from numerous characters.  How do you process when life throws you a curve ball that you didn't see coming?  How do you process when life throws you a curve ball that you DID see coming?  That's the toughie for me personally.  Knowing that the end is inevitable because the writing is on the wall so you brace yourself for the impact.  Fear of the future presents itself in numerous forms throughout the book as they deal with an unexpected pregnancy, some broken loves, balancing life and the mourning and coping that goes along with it.  

Family: As I quoted above, the book talks about redefining family.  Without giving too much away (ok, I'll give away as much is on the back cover), these three girls take on the raising of the baby boy who is named Atlas.  They affectionately call it tri-parenting and it sort of works.  They are all insanely busy graduate students so they make the decision that the only way this little boy can have a relatively normal life, given the circumstances, is for them to commit to be mothers together.  It really is a heartwarming and delightful concept in theory, but they soon find that the mamma bear a.k.a. she who cooked and birthed said child is still the final say in all decisions made about Atlas.  One of the things that really touched my heart was the passion that came from the two friends who weren't the biological mothers, but dedicated their lives as if they were his mother.  In addition to their commitment to this little boy, their families also committed to being adoptive grandparents and everything that accompanied these roles.  I related well because I am the proud adoptive aunt of lots of little people who I fiercely love as much as my biological nephews and niece.  Motherhood hasn't been my adventure yet and I am so grateful for the little humans who call me Auntie Ray who aren't biological, but who I love like they were from day one.  

Love: The backbone of any great story is love and this is no exception.  Love is kind, love is selfless, love is patient and love is tough.  And when I say tough, I mean both kinds--the enduring and the challenging.  I know from personal experience that the more deeply we love the more deeply we hurt.  It seriously sucks when it doesn't go in our favor, but it is also the most rewarding and beautiful gift to have in life.  My heart runneth over when I see the beautiful, giggly faces of my nephews and niece via FaceTime and even more so when I get barrel-hugged (a real word) when I see them in person.  The human heart and soul has infinite capacity to love if we will let it.  I will be the first to admit that I am one who can easily put my heart in the deep freeze and let it sit on ice for an indefinite time, but I don't like how it makes me feel.  I want to love and be loved, thus I take risks and embrace my ability to feel the way I feel and live life as it comes.  

The quote above is near the end of the book and it really inspired me.  Not too long ago I referenced "The End" really meaning "The Beginning" and I think this quote attests to that as well.  When we have loved then we can come to the close of a moment and begin the next set of amazing moments.  Love is our focus.  Love can and will continue to reclaim us if we will let it.  And just as this quote says there will be anger AND love, with hefty helpings of both, but love will always win.  I will say it again....love will win if we LET it.  Anger is hella toxic and it can eat you alive and burn your insides if you let it.  Take the time to let friendship, faith, family and love heal your heart because when love is in the air, the next chapter is about to begin.  

The moral of the story:  All you need is love.  The Fab Four knew what they were talking about.  Trust it and let it reclaim you.  

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R

We Mourn Because We Love.

About a month ago I found a book on my iBooks called "The Impossible Lives of Greta Wells."  The book peaked my interest because it was a time travel plot of a woman working through mourning of the death of her brother who passed away after a long battle with AIDS. The time travel is actually hallucinations from electric shock therapy, but she doesn't know it for quite awhile.  At first I was worried it might be a trigger for me, but it ended up being a really good healer (in an odd, semi-morbid way) and provided a raw perspective on mourning that still has me thinking.  As we prepare for Memorial Day in the United States, I thought it was only fitting that we address this life event that none of us can bypass and never quite master.  

I've read a number of books and articles over the years about the mechanics of mourning and the common denominator is always this: we mourn because we love.  Therefore, it is OK to cry and be insanely sad and angry, even when we know it was for the better.  I've also learned that mourning doesn't just address the death of a person.  It also addresses death of a relationship because of divorce, the closing of a chapter because of a career change, the death of a pet or even the mourning of childhood as a child becomes an adult.  I've had friends and family who have experienced ALL of these scenarios and it is very challenging and always comes back to: we mourn because we love.  I think the most challenging part of mourning is that we all mourn SO differently.  Since the passing of my Granddad, my Grandma has said many times to me that she recognizes that she mourns differently than her children and grandchildren and that she is always mindful of our individual challenges along with her own.  In true @beYOUdesignsut form I opened it up for my social media followers and friends to share some thoughts about their experience with mourning.  I was so moved and humbled that they were willing to share their thoughts with me.  To protect their privacy I will not include their names.

• H: "My dad passed away 9 years ago on May 28th; just before Memorial Day and his birthday.  I always think of him this time of year.  It took me a good 6 months to begin to feel somewhat normal after he died.  I was the quintessential daddy's girl and still find myself thinking about him frequently.  My mom, who had divorced him many years prior, was the one person that shared my grief in a similar manner.  This shared grief helped me get through the tough times.  It really helped talking with somebody that truly understood the sadness."

• A: "Sometimes the grief is so strong.  The only way to move forward is mourn again.  The way I mourn is to show pictures of my brother at times that I remember him most.  But my grief is always silent.
• A: "About mourning....wow.  I'm not sure I have the words to explain about grief and mourning.  There are so many things I've learned about grief since my mom died.  First of all, I had no idea how PHYSICAL grief is.  It's not just emotions.  It has full-on physical aspects that can affect you so much that they become overwhelming.  After my mom died, I had a hard time sleeping.  I often had headaches and I gained weight from the stress.  In addition, I had a hard time even caring about anything and I had VERY little patience for those around me.  Something very positive for me that has come from my grief has been seeing the "mourning with those that mourn" ideology [Mormonism] in action.  It was so comforting to have friends attend my mom's memorial service and cry with me.  Even months later, I have friends who talk to me about my mom and weep with me -- truly mourning with one who mourns: me.  But I've also seen it in my life.  I have SO much more empathy for others who have a death in their family.  I never would have had that much emotion or empathy regarding another person's loss without have gone through a similar experience myself.  It has truly been a blessing in my life to be able to mourn with other people who mourn."
• J: "I think mourning is a long process with very sudden, short-lived, truly sad moments.  My grandmother passed in January and she had been so sick.  I know she was ready and at peace so I am glad she doesn't have to suffer any more.  I didn't cry a lot when we had her funeral.  I was strong for my family and I felt a lot of peace knowing she was going to heaven.  (It is sad to leave this world, but the wonderful things to come are beyond my imagination.)  There were moments of sadness, but no lay down and cry sad times.  We really celebrated her life.  However, a couple of weeks later, someone posted something on Facebook about the slippers she made and how wonderful they had them at the cabin.  Friends of my cousin were using the slipper she made.  I was hit with insane jealousy and that they had them and I didn't.  I cried over slippers, but it was tears for the loss of the amazing woman who would never make me another pair.  It passed, but moments still come and go where you feel that loss.  Our lives continue on and we have to live in the present but the sadness of loss lurks somewhere under the surface and rears is head on occasion. 

My own personal grief experiences have all differed, but the experiences shared above really touched me because I've felt some of those same sentiments with different deaths.  I remember after my paternal grandmother had been deceased for almost 5 years that I had a total meltdown in the laundromat over QUARTERS.  She had given me her spare quarters when I was in college and at that moment, I missed her so so much as I held my sandwich bag of quarters.  Another friend's passing took a good four years for me to come to terms with.  His death was sudden and he had always been like an older brother to me.  He told me that he would be on the front row at my wedding when the time was right.  When I heard of his passing, I sobbed for months...years....that I had failed him and wasn't married when he died and didn't give him the chance to live up to his promise.  The knowledge of heaven and guardian angels has helped me work through that and I know that he will be with me in spirit when the day arrives.  A dear manager from the beginning of my career passed away suddenly a couple of years ago and I mourned quite deeply for her.  She was a HUGE inspiration and helped shape me in to an organized career woman.  I often think of her as I sip tea from the Starbucks mug she gave me for Christmas one year and when I have all my work notes in various notebooks and use her systems of "anti-post-it notes" to keep track of my day.

The moral of the story: May we share our quarters and send random mail while living the legacy of our loved ones who have passed on AND mourn with those who mourn.  One thing is for sure, it always eases the pain of others when there is a spare, caring shoulder to cry on when it is our turn.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

New Adventures

Have you missed me??  Life went in to HIGH gear after Father's Day and I've been in full concentration mode to keep in check with my mental health. 

Onward and upward is the theme of this post. How are we facing our challenges in life? Are we looking at them with blinders or with our eyes wide open with the big picture in mind? It is safe to say that at any given moment it could be any and all of the above. Living with faith AND

courage is HARD! I am not perfect and always chipper and charming. In fact I can be quite cynical and pissy when I don't have control over the situation. For me, it wasn't until I let go of the fear and channeled my focus to positive that the stars started to align. Every day I have seen incredible miracles come to play, even if it was the fact that I could still function on NO sleep. 

The most enlightening piece of advice I received was from a dear work associate and now friend. As she and I sat at the Ogden Arts Festival a couple weeks ago she suggested that I start channelling my journal efforts. These were her suggestions:

1. Write "I love you" at the top of the page.

2. Write 3 things you are thankful for 

3. Write a moment of pleasure.

4. Write a moment of success

5. Write one thing you love about yourself.

After day 2 I was already seeing a change. The sky wasn't changing colors or a fairy godmother was appearing out of nowhere, but my mind was putting itself at ease because I was loving it and appreciating it and recognizing the good that was all around me. 

I will forever be a HUGE fan of journalling as a mental health magic potion, but I am once again amaZed at the true power if actually has in the grand scheme. We are

blessed for the EFFORT we make to love ourselves and cut some slack during the challenging times. Because when it's all said and done we are surrounded by BUCKETS of blessings down below the black clouds. We can do hard things. 

The moral of the story: blessings come all the time. It's our job to recognize and CELEBRATE them. 

Until next time, my lovelies!!

-R