The Boston Girl : Becoming A Woman.

Becoming a woman.  A loaded statement if there ever was one.  I sometimes think back on my childhood and how I dreamt for my own money and the ability to choose and cook my own food and what clothes I wore all the time.  Ha!  What little I knew.  Adulting is hard!  It has its perks aka no curfew on Fridays or pizza for breakfast, but overall, the trade for the opportunity to pay bills and fix my car and do my own laundry isn't worth an unsupervised all-nighter and carb overloaded brunch from time-to-time.

Throughout my career vacation and book reading extravaganza, I've been inspired and moved by the characters I've met in each book. The most recent book that really touched me was "The Boston Girl" by Anita Diamant. The themes, tragedies and triumphs of this story brought me to tears and had me laughing just a bit, but overall it made me SO grateful to be a woman in an era when the quest for equality is present and mutual respect for women of any status is encouraged.  The women in this story lived during a time when their vote and their voice didn't matter and it wasn't easy.

The story takes place in the early 1900's in Boston.  Boston.  I heart Boston.  I'm convinced a piece of my heart still lives in Boston.  I visited while I was in college and it is a magical city.  The history, food (Cheers! - be still my heart), waterfront view, energy and cute Harvard boys rowing on the river all the time made it basically my heaven.  I loved every minute of being there. For this small town girl, the Boston version of city life was and is one that I dream of often.  One of the best parts of Boston is the historical district.  I caught a glimpse of it when I went to Cheers! to have dinner one evening.  Big, beautiful Victorian homes that took my breath away. I would love to say that the characters in the book were residents of these types of homes, but they were not.  They were a blue-collar Jewish family that did everything they could to survive living in their sufficient and very small flat.

Whenever I read a book I always look for themes that I can use in my own life and possibly a future blog post (nerd alert).  This book is full of themes that struck me to the core: women's rights, depression, death and mourning, religious respect and equality, family history and love.  Never ever forget the love.

The main character of the book is a grandmother who is giving her granddaughter a personal history of her life as a young Jewish girl in a family that had its struggles and much happiness.  As I read this book I thought of my own grandmothers and what they would tell me about being a young woman in their day and age.  What did they worry about?  What mattered to them?  What boys were they kissing before they met my grandfathers?  What was their love story and how did they know they had finally met the one they were going to marry?

There were a couple of specific quotes that I wanted to share with all of you and why they were memorable for me.  I won't tell you where they lie in the grand scheme of the book so there is still an element of surprise for the plot.

"When I look at my eighty-five-year-old face in the mirror today, I think, "You're never going to look better than you do today honey, so smile."  Whoever said a smile is the best face-lift was one smart woman." This is beautiful.  There are so so so so many days that smiling is the last thing we want to do.  How do we keep a smile on our face when we've had a major disappointment?  How do we smile through the tears when we've lost a loved one?  How do we smile when the bank account is depleted and the fridge is empty and the car needs gas?  Well, we just do. Fake it to make it.  If we really got technical and scientific, we would talk about the fact that there are muscles in our face that need stretching just as much as those everywhere else.  Stretch them, my lovelies!  Put a smile on your face and embrace the beauties and blessings of your life even amidst the storms.

"She said she felt better talking to someone she could see, someone who cared about her.  "The time I almost died in that bathtub, what kept me going was the look on your face and Irene's and that wonderful nurse.  I could see how worried you were, not angry or disappointed.  You just didn't want me to die.  And afterward, too, you never looked at me with anything but love: no pity, no judgement.  You made it possible for me to forgive myself."  Phew.  I so wish I could tell you the story behind this, but you'll have to read the book to understand the significance of this statement.  Even typing it brought a lump to my throat. In my own life, I have been immensely blessed with so many kind, patient friends and family members who have stood in front of me and embraced me and proved to me how much they cared. In our insanely BUSY and technology-driven world, it is very easy to shoot someone a text and tell them we care, but the human-in-front-of-human interactions are SO critical.  I loved the reference to looking at someone with 'anything but love.'  That is a magical moment, no matter the relationship or its status.  The connection that one can feel when their friend, family member, lover looks at them to convey their compassion is electric. It can save the day.  It can calm the heart and soothe the soul. When was the last time you felt that electricity in your own life? Thank the person. Hug them back. Say, "I love you."

"Women used to think we were supposed to act as if nothing had happened, as if losing a baby you wanted wasn't a big deal.  And if you did say something, people told you that you'd forget all about it when you have a healthy baby.  I wanted to punch them all in the face."  When I wrote my blog post "In My Life" I talked about some conversations I had that inspired me to write the post.  One of those was a conversation with my dear friend who has multiple angel babies waiting for her in heaven.  This week I witnessed the pain that is being felt by another friend who is facing the one year anniversary of her angel baby returning to heaven.  Women are still facing the grief and pain that surrounds bearing and losing children.  Medical advances are vast compared to 1925, but pregnancy and birth is still risky business and takes great faith.  I commend my darling friends for their great strength and faith as they face their life of saying the number of pregnancies vs. living children.

"The Boston Girl" is a book that I will not forget for a long time.  It gave me a perspective and appreciation for becoming a woman. I am LUCKY to have a vote, a voice, an education and a career that I enjoy.  I am also LUCKY to have my health and an understanding of how I can cope on the days that aren't so easy.

The moral of the story:  Becoming a woman in 2015 hasn't changed much from 1925.  The scenery and fashion has changed, but ultimately, we still have trials and triumphs and hope for sunshine and happiness after the storm.  Keep looking life in the face with love.  Never EVER forget the love.

Until next time, my lovelies.
-R
 

Quality or Quantity?

The Ray's Reading Extravaganza continues and this past week I finished the book entitled "The American Heiress" by Daisy Goodwin.  If you've read my other book review posts this summer you've gathered that I've read some pretty random books, but every single one of them has provided me with laughter, tears, and a LOAD of compelling themes a.k.a. food for thought and blog topics!

"The American Heiress" had my attention when I saw that it would attract the "Downton Abbey" fan....guilty as charged so why not read it?  It was also a longer read than anything else I've read this summer so I knew it would take me more than a week to finish it.  I tend to get a bit of teenager ADD when I read books and after page 250, it better be damn good with great character voice and plot or I won't finish the book.  Wouldn't you know it, this book got juicy at about page 225 so I was hooked until the end.

The premise of this story is one that is common to the origins of 19th Century aristocracy and birthright; women married for money, a title, a big house (manor) and prayed like crazy that they would birth a male heir so that they weren't homeless and penniless after their husbands passed away.  They didn't vote or work for a wage; they birthed, shopped and had tea with their stuffy neighbors.  If you're a Downton Abbey junkie, you know that Mary, the eldest daughter, is on the hot trail to marry a semi-decent titled man who can take over the estate so that she can continue to live the high life that she's had since birth.  This book is the same gig.  An American heiress, Cora Cash, sets out to marry a English man (cue the swoony music because he'll have an accent) because she wants to be that kind of woman: the woman who marries a man who needs her money, but has a little of his own (and a title) when she finds him so she is set in society and can keep her mother happy.

I'm not going to lie, I struggle with the facts of pre-women's rights days.  I hate reading about women who were exiled because they could only birth daughters and women who had severe eating disorders because they were condemned to a marriage that was a political alliance and not two people in love joining in matrimony to have a fulfilling life and family together.  As I read this book, I was oddly haunted by a lot of cultural expectations that still exist among women of the modern age.  Yes, I know that you can totally go against the grain and do it your own way, but there are a lot of cultural standards that are still set and expected to be adhered to by religions and other sets of standards.  I, myself, having been raised in the Mormon Church, have felt insanely ridiculous pressure to marry for the resume and not the human.  I have friends who have been raised in other religious sects who have felt much of the same pressure.  To that, I say "what the hell?"  This is 2015, people.  Life is short, it should be sweet and ENJOYED.  We claim that we are on our way to equality, but are we?  At what point will it be OK to say, "I'm exercising my right to be treated as an equal in a marriage by not forcing myself to marry random dude so-and-so because he asked and he seems to be a pretty OK choice and can provide me with a wedding in the church (temple) and he has a job that will pay our bills."  Holy run-on sentence, but HOLY reality of life.

After the Supreme Court ruled for the equality of marriage earlier this year, I cheered.  I cheered because I thought, there has to be more of a mentality for equality in ALL things and if the right to marry whoever you want, male or female, is the start then hear hear...I'll toast to that!  I am a LOVER of the men, but I was so happy to see some movement for choices that served the masses.  Women (and men) all over the world live in agony and abuse and a web of lies because they are living with relationships, both marital and professional, that are completely illegal, ridiculous and/or avoidable.

As "The American Heiress" continued there was a constant looming hunch that Cora's husband, the duke, was somehow being unfaithful to her.  The social expectation (shudder) was that most men who were in politically driven marriages had a mistress on the side aka they were sleeping with the one who lit their fire while producing heirs with the one who was living in their castle and shared a sir name.  Super awesome.  Cora is constantly wondering if she is doing enough to please her husband and provide him with happiness at home so that he doesn't feel the need to take a mistress, if he hasn't already.  I have to give props to the author because she had me guessing right until the end as to the correct answer.  The moving pieces from all angles were nail-biting.  As I've thought about these themes since finishing the book, I've come to these conclusions, or sealed what I already knew:

• I am SO grateful I was not born a rich girl.  As much as I would love to not have a care in the financial world, I will take being poor, with substance, fidelity and true love, any day.  
• We have a lot of work to do to be truly equal in relationships.  We think we are liberal, but mentally we are still programmed to be submissive in some areas.  Stop that.  Embrace that you are a contributing human being to society for more than being the 9 month holding tank for humans.  
• No matter what, we deserve to be in relationships with someone who is QUALITY not quantity.  I bet if we could conduct an interview with Diana, the Princess of Wales, we would have all sort of facts to back this statement up.  God rest her soul because she went through so much to be hitched to the carriage of a royal.  Her consolation, as she watches from heaven, is a son who married the untitled woman he loved and has been an incredibly amazing husband and father, unlike his dad.  

I hope that my musings on marriage and equality will provide a glimmer of hope and inspiration to someone out there who feels the pressure to marry for quantity over quality.  If we are believers in true destiny, whether it be that which is provided by God or karma, then HOLD OUT to the day when your Gilbert Blythe comes walking through the door to love you til the day he dies and treats you like the incredible, smart, sassy lady that you are through and through.  

The moral of the story:  We deserve equality.  Lean in, stand up, speak up, don't settle and make it happen. 

Until next time, my lovelies.  

-R