since last we met, is an understatement. I am a broken record. Much of my blog in the last 18 months coincided with some really challenging times as a grown-up. Adulting sucks at times and finding reasons to love and appreciate trials is basically the hardest thing you can have handed to you. And the longer those trials drag on, the harder it gets. But, I've learned a few new coping skills that I want to share with all of you so that maybe one of you, maybe more, will take comfort in my crazy and know that there is sunshine on the other side of that shit storm you feel like is NEVER GOING TO END.
Small Blessings Are Huge Answers to Prayers: I am so grateful to know that I can pray to a God who I know is aware of me and loves me, in spite of my long list of imperfections. Even when I'm making choices that some might raise their eyebrows at, He is always right there by my side, quietly guiding my footsteps towards my destiny. When I chose to uproot my life in Utah, I knew that the transition was going to be hard. But, that was when I had it all mapped out and everything was planned in a perfect little way and I could handle THAT. Well, then my plot had a big fat twist in it and everything went exactly the opposite of what I thought I wanted. Little did I know that this breaking of my perfect pieces meant that I could be put back together and healed. I beat myself up over finally being honest with someone who I thought I loved and they did nothing. Their silence, their utter weakness, felt like it was my fault. It was not. It is not. He's an idiot. I'm better off. The end. The letting go was a small blessing, but a huge answer to a tough prayer to utter. I purged my hate disguised as love and moved forward.
Turn off the Static: Growing up in Southeastern Montana meant a lot of time on the road with no radio stations. This was the era of cassette tapes aka no smart phones or bluetooth, so it could get a little interesting if you had a long distance to drive and only so many tapes. It was rare that I would just allow myself to drive in silence because I was always afraid I would fall asleep at the wheel because of the boredom of quiet. Fast-forwarding to present day and I still find myself hitting patches of road here in Idaho where there are no radio stations; just static. Even though I have my trusty iPhone with Pandora and iTunes, they only work if I have cell service which is still spotty. Because of this fact, I now allow myself to drive in silence at times. I allow the static to be silenced. Our lives are like that too. Many times we want to have the noise all the time. Noise means our brain is focused on something else. Noise means we don't have to cope. Noise means masking reality. But, if we will turn off the static in our lives and let our heart and mind drink in the peace of quiet, we will discover parts of our soul that hasn't seen the light of day in a VERY long time. Parts of our soul that need way more nurturing than we give credit. I found a lost part of my soul when I turned off the noise and centered back to my heart and what it really needed and it was a remarkable breakthrough for me.
Look to the Light of Family & Friends: At one point this year there were three people in my immediate family without work; I was one of them. If you've never experienced the stress of unemployment I pray you don't have to experience it EVER. It's rough. It's just not pleasant. However, it has taught me to turn to the light that is family and friends. The list of blessings is vast, but I could not have survived without countless FaceTime calls with my Colorado loves, the GIANT warm chocolate chip cookie that showed up on my doorstep one day, the encouraging words nearly every day, and the opportunity to cry when I needed to cry. That run-on sentence can't be broken because it truly symbolizes that I kept moving. I kept holding on when I wanted to break up with my crappy life. But, I didn't. I kept going. My version of moving forward soon became known as "Ray the Neigborhood Nanny." A smidge of magical Mary Poppins, a smidge of sassy swearing sailor, a bit of old-fashioned school marm and an enabler of soda fountain mixed drinks addictions. It was the SWEET life and I felt loved and needed and that was the glue putting my pieces back together. Plus now my besties kids LOVE me. More than they already did. It's awesome. I conned my niece with the promise of Starbucks tonight! Muwhahahahahahaha, Neighborhood Nanny is also a bit of a villain. That's the redheaded older sister in me.
Tell Yourself, "It Will Be Ok." and Believe It: I have a sister who hates quotes on signs or the wall. It's super trendy these days, especially in Utah, and she is a ranty rage when we ask her if she wants a quote on her dining room wall. I, on the other hand, welcome all the wordsy reminders I can get, to help me stay calm and practice true self-care. When I lived in Ogden, my bathroom mirror was "words of affirmation" central. I put them in the bathroom because I spent a lot of time in there getting ready for the day and that's when I needed to remind myself that everything would be ok. The more I walked in my bathroom and read my own affirmations out loud, the more I believed it. The brain is a powerful tool. It can either help or hurt you. Now that my bathroom is a shared space and upstairs, I have my affirmations tacked on my bedroom wall and I still read them daily. It did turn out, I did get the good job, and whoever the future baby daddy is actually supposed to be; he is out there in the universe being groomed to what I need most. But, he better not shave off his beard or I'm folding on that birthing plan.
This little bloggy blog is my place to share some sunshine and I hope that it can continue to be that for my readers as well. I want you all to know that we CAN face the shit storm with humor, poise and faith. And when all else fails, just remember....
The moral of the story: You can always be the neighborhood nanny to someone and lend your time and love in times of need, both for you and them.
Until next time, my lovelies
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