My Reality.

Happy Friday, my lovelies!  What a week!  I finished Amy Purdy's book "On My Own Two Feet" and it was incredibly well-written and inspiring.  I couldn't put it down.  I am not a reader.  I get frustrated with not being able to see the book in my cave-dark bedroom (old lady eyes), but I have read more since I got my iPad mini because it has a back light...it's the simple joys of technology.  This book though, I purchased in "real book" form because I knew I would want to highlight and mark pages and I was right.  As I was reading the final few chapters and especially the epilogue I was moved to share some things with all of you that I haven't shared in depth up to this point.

 

The quote above was from one of the final chapters. After reading Amy's story of losing her legs, having a kidney transplant, learning to walk again, learning to dance again, opening a successful non-profit, and most of all learning to snowboard as a double amputee and later competing in the Paraolympics, I was floored when she said this quote.  I am not a snowboarder and part of the reason is I am scared as hell of those big fat rocks that are secretly hiding under the glistening powder that cause people to go flying, bust up their helmet and have traumatic brain injury.  But then I read this quote and it donned on me...uh, hello, Raylynn, you have your own set of hidden death boulders and it's called depression.  Oh snap.  I just said the D word.  Now that I've said, we must speak of it. 

 

Over the years I have had some c-razy bouts with depression.  It started when I was 19 and I was prescribed birth control for ovarian cysts.  My doctor assumed that I would be like any other woman and my body would just adjust like normal and I would be fine.  What happened was one of THE most terrifying and hopeless times of my life.  I kid you not.  I laid awake at night staring at the ceiling wondering if I was going to make it another day, praying I would fall asleep and it would be gone and then as soon as the sun came up all I wanted to do was crawl under my covers and sleep.  I would dry heave in the morning when I tried to brush my teeth and I had no appetite.  I lost 50 pounds in 6 months.  It was almost like I was pregnant.  HORRIBLE.  Depression is the biggest freaking paradox around.  When you absolutely want to cut yourself off from civilization is when you absolutely NEED to be in civilization and around people who love you.  It is the most painful awful realization because that is the ONLY way you can kick yourself out of it.  And even when you do force yourself out of bed to interact with other warm bodies, it doesn't automatically mean it's going to go away.  It takes time and effort and prayer and many times medication. 

 

One of the main things I learned from that first terrifying rounds of depression were my triggers.  It would still take me about 10 years to really get it down, but little by little I learned what set me off.  At the top of that list is sleep.  As soon as the sleep deprivation happens I can almost guarantee that I will slip into a funk.  It's like clock work and it scares me.  I am almost a habitual napper just so that it doesn't happen.  True story.  I also have learned that I need regroup time.  When a crazy day has happened or something catastrophic has happened in my life or those around me I need quiet time.  I need time in my bed (or the bath tub) in the peace and quiet to cry it out, think it through, nap it off and THEN we can move forward and have a plan. 

 

The second really bad round was when I lived in Salt Lake and made the decision to go to therapy.  I wrote about that experience in one of my first blog posts.  You can find that here.  That round I was more prepared because I knew my triggers but that didn't stop it from happening.  I was in a really terrible job and was stripping myself of some emotional baggage and it took its toll.  At this point I decided that I needed to get my ass to the gym and work it off and that's exactly what I did.  But!  Here's the deal, THAT still didn't' help on some days.  I remember a few too many days that I would be at the gym for 3 hours of grueling tough classes and I would still walk out the door crying because the stress was so high.  Thank God for those few good people who knew what was really going on and loved me through it. 

 

The third round is the gift that keeps on giving and that is seasonal blues.  I HATE winter.  I hate being cold and I hate the days being short.  I know....I should learn to ski, I should learn to snowboard, blah blah blah, but honestly, I don't want to at this point in my life.  I'm getting closer, but it's a huge expense to just pick up a snow sport.  Winters in Utah are really challenging because we experience inversion.  Dark, smoggy gross days.  It was worse when I lived in Salt Lake, but for whatever reason we've had some bad days here in the 'hood this week.  On Sunday I knew that there would not be a single minute of sunshine so I just hid in my bed for most of the day.  Then Monday rolled around and the same realization hit me as I headed out the door.  Heart sank and I tried not to cry.  To harbor the inevitable I came home every day and made dinner and crawled in bed to read my book.  So I finished in a much quicker time frame than normal.  Thanks to picking up my journaling again and escaping through a new book I am feeling pretty good today. 

 

If I can make any point with this post it is this:  you (yes you, not the person behind you) have NO idea who is struggling with mental health boulders.  The other completely SHITTY thing about depression is the lack of physical side effects.  I am an expert at "fake it to make it" but honestly I really wish that people would believe me when I tell them, "I am dying inside and I can't make it go away" and the reality that it may be that way one day and not the next.  If the sun is out, especially in the winter, I am probably having a pretty damn good day.  If it's no sunny, I'm probably not doing that great.  I am so very grateful for the people who I have been blessed with in my life who have brought consistency and support as I have rode the roller coaster of life.  I am also grateful for my trusty trick of napping it out and then facing the issue.  It helps SO much. 

 

The moral of the story:  We don't get to pick what hides under the powder of life, but we can prepare ourselves by making damn sure that our equipment works the way its supposed to and we are ready to ride the bunny hill if need be. 

 

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R

 

DON'T FORGET TO ENTER THE GIVEAWAY!!!

 

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Amy Purdy, Swag and a Giveaway!

Hello, my lovelies! I'm excited to announce my annual "All You Need is Love" giveaway.  Last year we were still small in the number of followers on le instagram, but this year I am upping my game.  I've decided to run the giveaway through the blog and thank heavens for Rafflecopter.  Nothing makes me happier than a free app that keeps me organized.  Can I get an amen, hallelujah from the congregation?

This year's giveaway is the incredible memoir by the double amputee American Winter Olympian, Amy Purdy.  If you're not familiar with her story you are truly missing out on an inspiring tale of great magnitude.  To read more and more check out her website here.  I first heard about her when she was the celebrity dance partner for Derek Hough (be still my heart) on ABC's Dancing With The Stars.  She blew my mind with her dedication and attention to detail against all odds.  It was by far one of the best seasons ever.  The best part was her ability she push Derek, a decorated and talented choreographer, to new heights by forcing him to create dance routines that accommodated her lack of nerve function in the feet.  Every week she came out and did more and more and more.  Oh and did I mention she's a kick ass snow boarder????  Um ya.  She's created a sport of its own (as if it needed to be any cooler) and has developed a technique through her ability to adapt to boarding with bionic legs. 

As I've been reading the book I have shed tears and laughed and cried again.  A lot of her story is a very spiritual one and her journey through losing her legs because of Meningitis when she was 19.  She also talks about her dad and his greatest sacrifice of donating a kidney for his daughter.  Just this week she started a new campaign with Toyota and talked about her dad.  It is the coolest ad.  Take a look by following this link.  Are you crying yet?  If you recall I wrote a blog post about my daddy, my hero, and this ad made me think of him.  He has always been SO good to his daughters and loved us just the way we were which is a tid bit crazy (we get it from our mother) and was a good sport about watching chick flicks and letting us do his hair.  He also was such a champ when we would come home and tell him about the latest cute boy that we were destined to marry.  Oh wait...that might still happen a little for this daughter.  It doesn't happen as often as high school, but there have been a few lads that my daddy definitely heard the WHOLE STORY about long before my mother.  He's always been our sentimental rock and for that I love and appreciate him so much.

As soon as I started reading the book, I knew I wanted to have it be my main giveaway this year.  February is going to be the month of LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE yourself (the good kind, not the selfish kind) and we are going to talk about embracing the body God blessed you with by rocking the COLOR in your fashion choices.  I will have fun photos from my photo shoot with Kel-Z Photography and we will talk color and pattern and a lot of other fun things.  Additionally, I'm going to spotlight my dear friend D'Arcy's wonderful store, Chic Style.  She has been such a blessing as a friend and confidant, in addition to feeding my fashion fetish and it's time to talk about why and in more detail than I have in the past.  One of the secret swag bag items is a beautiful pendant from a local Ogden Valley artist named Ashley Bennett Stoddard that Chic Style sells.  This is one of my favorite pendants that she's designed and it is a pewter snowboard.  BUT!  The fabulous thing is you don't need to be a boarder to enjoy it because she has incorporated nature into the pendent and it is a gorgeous piece to wear with just about everything.  Check it out here.  I also have a few other items in the works for the swag bag, but I'm going to keep them a secret, but they are going to rock.

I am so excited to share this book with you.  I have lived through some pretty dark days in my adult life, but NOTHING compares to what Amy Purdy has been through and she does it with such grace and poise and faith.  We can all draw such hope from reading her story and re-read it on the really BAD days.  In conclusion I want to share the following video with you from Amy's time on Dancing With The Stars.  Watch and be amazed, my lovelies. 

The moral of the story:  Even against all odds, we too can have bionic super powers and shred through life with a heart full of faith and determination!

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

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Blending: OVERRATED.

Happy 2015, my lovelies!  It has been a great year so far...ha ha ha...you know the first what 4 days?  The true story is off to a good start, but this partay has only just begun.  It's kind of like people asking me how my day has been so far and it's only 9:30 a.m.  For the record, if any of you ever want to have a conversation that I remember and/or doesn't include some very brutal glares and empty stares, hand me a McDonald's Dollar Menu Diet Coke and schedule it for after 10 am.  But, I digress......

So this little bloggy blog and le instagram had a good rookie run in 2014.  It's really fun to be coming around the bend to doing something for the second time.  That means I might actually know what I'm doing, right ? Ha!  That's what I make you think.  We are coming upon two of those things.  Another photo shoot with Kel-Z Photography and my annual "All You Need is Love" giveaway.  But, we're only going to talk about the photo shoot (eeek!) and the focus this time around.  

Kelsey and I both have a hard time loving winter so we decided at the last photo shoot that we would have a follow-up shoot in January that would be AWESOME and a good distraction for the winter blahs. Each of the outfits will have lots of meaning, COLOR and a good story.  As preparation I decided to take a drive to Ogden Valley this afternoon to scope spots and snap some photos to show you what you have to look forward to.  As soon as I was up there it became clearly evident that I was not going to be blending in nature any time soon.  I mean I was wearing a red newsboy and a mustard yellow scarf.  Welcome to ketchup and mustard??  And that got me thinking....So let's talk about NOT blending because it is SO overrated and can also save you from getting clocked by a pickup truck hauling multiple snowmobiles....that didn't actually happen, but it could have!  

So, what is it with people and their obsession with looking or acting like the next guy or girl?  I just don't get it!  God created us to be ourselves for a reason, people!  If we were all the same it would be one big snooze fest and boring as hell!  God knows all, therefore, He done good and created us different!  Embrace it, damn it!  I've really struggled with some relationships as of late and my biggest issue is the fact that there is an expectation for me to change and give and give and give without reciprocation and, last but not least, be like the other women around me.  Um, hello, if you wanted a cookie-cutter lady then why didn't you drive your little knickers to the local Williams & Sonoma and pick up some high-end cookie cutters and make your own damn woman?  Oh, wait, it's because that's not how it works.  I also get really really tired of being the token gal pal who is there to be the free therapist, ongoing comedic act and professional support, but when I need them to BE THERE they are off in la la land.  This blog is absolutely not meant to be a sob fest, but I just want my readers to know that they are not alone when they feel like they are praying and hoping and showing compassion towards people who are just living with their stupid heads in the sand and making it miserable for us to still love them.....or tolerate them, however you look at it.  Everything happens for a reason, but sometimes it doesn't come without a few silent tears and swearing under the breath and boat loads of patience.  

We ARE simply gorgeous and we ARE simply unique and people have two choices....take us the way we are or hastily exit the premisis.  There is a lot to be learned about relationships by all of us and I am learning too.  So, the next time you see someone who has a tattoo that you genuinely admire, tell them!  You might be surprised what their response is!  If you appreciate someone's quirky unique approach on life, thank them!  And if you love someone, say it OUT LOUD and give them a hug and a kiss (if that won't get you thrown in the slammer or your ass whooped by their significant other).  Be aware of people's needs and S-T-O-P blending.  

The moral of the story:  blending is meant for eye shadow, not humans.  Jump out of your comfort zone and connect with people and BE YOU!!!!

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R