Recently, I read the book "The Year of Yes" by Shonda Rhimes. It was an incredible book that I will add to my list of "must read each year" and will write a more thorough blog post about in the near future. It was eye-opening and heart-wrenching because I found myself relating to elements of this introverted, but insanely successful Hollywood female powerhouse that one might not expect of me at face value. For you see, I am much more than meets the eye just like Ms. Rhimes. I am twisted, imperfect, jaded and unsure of my place in life. I am also a confident, out-spoken, beautiful soul who loves deeply and doesn't give a damn if people don't like me. But, then again, I DO actually care if people don't like me. I care a lot.
And so it goes....we come together and I am in a place of life that I thought I wouldn't have to experience this year. A place of unsure and unrest. I joke that some of my best blog content has come during some of the scariest times of life and that is really not my cup of tea so what is up with it happening again?
There is so much that I could say that would fill you in on the specifics of my pain, but I keep it out of the public eye because it is not meant for sharing. But, I will tell you this, life can shift in the blink of an eye without any warning. Even when we think that we've had all we can bear and the clouds have finally parted, the universe can throw another bolt of lightening on our picnic and test our strength again. I am working through some sadness that I am all too familiar with, but there is a difference this time. I know that there is a beginning and an end. I know that there is a reason. I know that my worth in the eyes of my family, my friends, my four loves and my God is not dependent on circumstances outside of my control.
How many times have you sat on the floor of your bedroom, your bathroom or your kitchen and cried because someone made you feel like a total loser because you spoke your mind? How many times have you felt like a total loser because you protected your integrity and it got you nothing but heartache and pain? I would be lying if I said that I was a self-professed "positive attitudes change everything" master. I am SO not. In fact, I suck at it when I get beat down over and over by the same scenario. I also know that if I let myself harbor anger and spite that I will spiral into a depressive state that is brutally ugly and nearly impossible to climb out of. My faith is tested when I have to pull myself off the floor, wipe away my tears and look in the mirror and say, "Ray, you have roots that are deep and they are strong and you know it. Trust yourself, trust God and let this unfold." Sometimes .... a LOT of the time....those words have to be reaffirmed by friends and family, but ultimately they have to come from ME before they will work miracles.
Last night I got on my knees and started a prayer with a statement along these lines, "I don't have any tears left, but I do have a bed, a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a car that runs, a closet FULL of cute clothes, a manic black cat who thinks I'm the best thing ever, four little humans who adore me and people who are praying for me every single day. What am I going to do this time?" I said the remainder of my prayer and I got up, dusted off my skinned knees, turned off my cell phone and crawled in my blessed bed. When I woke up this morning and turned on my phone I was greeted with multiple messages full of love and encouragement. God is in our details, my lovelies. No matter our religion, no matter our state of existence, HE IS THERE. He hears our prayers, He loves us and He puts people in our path to carry us when we can't carry ourselves.
I am convinced that my life flows with the soundtrack of the movie "Rudy" because I feel like the little person who WILL start in the game, but really just wants to punch cinder block walls and stuff, but then my teammates give up their jerseys and the moment of awesome happens for all to see. I know that we can beat the odds when we least expect it. Nothing in our life happens without reason. The final scene of the movie is one that I could watch over and over. It melts my heart. I weep like a baby every time I watch the movie and I legitimately go into panic mode because I don't know if he is going to play in the final game of his senior year at Notre Dame. I KNOW THE ANSWER and I still freak out! One of the things I love most is the scene in which Rudy himself is freaking out about what to do next after he's run his assigned play. Seconds left in the game and he doesn't know what to do. One of the coaches yells to him from the sideline, "stay in, stay in." He does that and you know the rest.....he makes college football history. This is my life. I am setting records and overcoming the odds in ways that I had no idea were possible for one lady. But! I know that my happy ending always includes a lot of cheering from the crowds and myself and that is what carries me through the challenging parts. Please take a minute to watch the movie clip below and think about how it relates to your life. Who is there cheering you on? Who believes in you? Who loves and adores your imperfect self even when you think you've lost them?
Until next time, my lovelies!