I have had serious mental block as of late and it's been challenging trying to decide what to write about for my next post. I read a beautiful update on Facebook this week that was written by an associate who is in the rebirth stage following an extremely painful divorce. It brought tears to my eyes as I read her very raw, poignant reflections of love lost, yet strength gained. And that got me thinking. . . Let's talk about three words.
I LOVE YOU.
For such a short sentence it sure is hard to spit it out at times. I was fortunate enough to grow up in a home where my parents always said, "love you" to close their phone conversations. As a result, it is very natural for me to end phone calls with the same sentiments. However, I am very cautious as to who I hand it out to face to face. For some reason, when it comes out of our mouth it suddenly means something. Like we better damn well mean it. Uh ya!! Then why is it so hard to put down our guard and admit the truth? The f word. ... Not THAT f word... The OTHER one... FEAR. Damn that vixen called fear. A ruthless monster on all accounts. I have had a couple of relationships that I knew we were to the point that I was ready to say it and almost did, but held back. And those three words sat in the back of my throat like a fat brick blocking my voice chakra. I have wondered if it would have gone differently had I said, "wonderful amazing man of mine, I love you. I love your quirks, I love your messy hair, I love your kind heart and I love your crazy heart. Please say you love me back." It's doubtful that it would have turned out differently but it still breaks my heart a little bit. What makes me afraid to be rejected when I know that my love runs deep? When I commit and attach my heart strings to that of another, I am in it. In it for the long haul. But, here's the issue. They are not. Their insecurities and inability to bare their soul is not there. It sucks. Sucks so bad it makes me ill to write of it. But, I must. What can we do to bridge the gap between, "I can't muster up the courage to bear my soul" and "please don't ever go away, I love and adore you more than words can describe." I wish I knew.
I also want to address the idea that one must birth a human in order to bond with it. I know, switching gears, but for me it is related. The older I get the more likely it is that I will love a man with children. It is also possible that my ability to birth my own children may not happen. I don't know, but all I know is this...a child does NOT have to rent my uterus for 9 months for me to love it like my own. In fact, I welcome the opportunity to be a bonus parent because how cool is that to say to a child, "guess what you are a lucky one. I am your bonus mom!" Hells ya! I would do it in a heartbeat. The longer I live in Ogden, the more I run into kids who I would scoop up and take home and give them a good life and love them like I had carried them for 9 months. One such girl was in my friend's kindergarten class this year. She was too old to be in kindergarten because her family had "forgot" to take her to school when she was supposed to be in the class. She would regularly come to school in dirty, smelly clothes and talk of sleeping in a car instead of a warm bed. Seriously. This stuff kills me. Why? Why? Why? And when I finally got to meet this sweet girl who I had heard so much about I found a beautiful resilient little girl who, at face value, had NO idea that her life was less than ideal. We MUST remember to offer our heart freely when we feel the urge because we never know the power that it will bring to another human. Especially kids. They can't help it that they were conceived in a dumpy situation so we must be aware and allow the love to flow.
The last point on love that I want to address is probably that which is the most difficult to accept. Love for ourself. Holy hell, why are we our toughest critic? Why must we be the enemy to the face in the mirror? I know of a handful of situations right now where the depression runs deep and the voice in the head of these people is burning their insides one disparaging comment at a time. From my own personal experience I can attest that one of the most fearful times in my life is when I actually heard my inner-self say these things and I couldn't fight back because I believed it. It has taken a lot of work and a lot of prayer to get to a point where I trusted my inner-self so I didn't have to rely on the outer influence to determine my worth. I am NOT defined by my body shape, my boobs size, my family size, the year of my car, the color of my skin, my marital status or how long I've been in a career. I am defined and driven by my relationship with God and my soul. And I mean that. And just because I said it doesn't mean I'm perfect or it's because of this or that. I have to dig deep. REALLY deep. I am sad a lot that I haven't had my babies yet and I'm losing sleep because of politics, not teething and runny noses. But, I know that the love that I feel for those around me is REAL and GENUINE and that I will and am blessed for my goodness.
So.... The moral of the story.... He's out there. He will attach and I will let him.
Until next time my lovelies.