My O-town.

Necklace - Ume Boutique, red dress - Deseret Industries, skirt - Chic Style Box

Chez Ray has been a teeny bit chaotic since last we chatted. The time has come, after much prayer and tears and more prayer and immense peace, to bid farewell to my O-town.  I didn't think I would ever say it, but the chain of events that have led up to it are nothing short of obvious that it's time.  The show must go on and I'm stoked for new adventures and new friends.  A lady can never have too many friends, now can she?

As I reflected back on my time in Ogden I was reminded of the immense blessing it was to be sent here.  I still remember the utter shock that people voiced when I told them I was moving to the 'hood. From the minute I parked my car in front of my new home, I knew it was home and for that I was grateful.  Kelsey and I set out to find urban art in Ogden for our last photo shoot.  The charm that Ogden has because of the incredible urban art is never-ending.  There is some serious talent in this awesome town.  My favorite is a mural that is located on the wall of a local eatery called The Pizza Runner.  It is a joint collaboration of two artists: Chris Kiernan and Rich Ramos. Chris' work can be seen in the Ogden location of Lucky Slice Pizza and I LOVE his style.  I swoon over his fonts.  Like for reaslies.  I mean check this out:

I asked Chris to share some of the backstory on his portion of the mural and this is what he said, "I was asked by my friend Rich Ramos to paint part of the Pizza Runner wall, he had painted the previous mural and this time he wanted to share the space. The beautiful female face on the wall at this time is his work. Dayton is the skater featured on my portion of the wall, he has grown up skateboarding in front of my camera so I decided to base part of my mural on a photo of him doing a crooked grind in downtown Ogden as a thanks for all the good times out skating. The previous mural also featured some Otown lettering and Rich always got good feedback on it so he wanted the new mural to carry on that theme. The lettering is my classic style that goes back more than 20 years, simple enough for everyone to read but still graffiti."

This location was insanely fun to shoot with as a backdrop.  LOTS of color and contrast, but also a bit of random matchy matchy.  Who hearts my nails and jewelry?  ALL handmade by amazing artisans.  As we shot this outfit, I had a chance to look at the lovely lady up close.  She is GORGEOUS.  Red lips and a look of peace on her face.  My kinda chick.  I may have said to her, "it's you and me against the world, lady!"

I found many treasures while I lived in the 'hood.  But, most of all I found me. I found the Ray that is supposed to be where she is meant to be.  I found a woman who loves deeply with all her heart, wants the small business owner to succeed even in the crappy times, wants the at-risk kids to be safe and wants every single female on the planet (and the men in their life) to know that they are of great worth and value no matter their size, financial status, skin color, mental health state, religion and sexual orientation.  "Let It Be and Celebrate" became my life.  Celebrate on the shitty days.  Celebrate when you really just want to cry yourself to sleep or punch the stupid boy in the face or simply give up.  Keep. Going.  Keep. Loving. Let. It. Be.  

Top & skirt - Macy*s, shoes - Endless Indulgence Retro Wear, location - Ogden Union Station

In Ogden I learned how to face my own shadow and look forward with faith.  I learned that some of the greatest adventures come to us in the midst of what we think is our greatest storm.  I lost TWO jobs in 2015 and not because of anything I did. Taking chances failed TWICE for me in a year. That meant I had to look at myself in the mirror every day for more than half of the year and say, "you did what you could and God will bless you during all of this."  That is NOT easy, my lovelies. Just ask my empty savings account. My shadow was my constant companion and I had to set the guilt aside and trust in God's timing and BREATHE. 

 This quirky railroad town stole my heart because it was FULL of history that included my family.  Ogden was home sweet home for many of my ancestors and I got to learn about them first hand and see their homes and visit their graves and gain courage from their struggles while living here.  I also learned that in the early days of Ogden you had to come here before you could go anywhere on the train.  I feel like that.  I know that I had to come here before I left Utah so that I could learn to love again and bust out of my shell for real.  I had to live post-therapy like a boss and learn some critical life lessons while I was at it.

One of the number one lessons I learned from Ogden is that good people who believe in a community can change the world.  This town is renowned for it's view and it's snow, but did you know that it is also known for the non-profit work that goes on?  We have one of the BEST homeless shelters in the country and my view of emergency housing drastically changed when I got to know the director.  We have NO idea the struggles that people face and why they are homeless. I learned to have compassion and look out for others who have it way worse than I do. 

 Ogden taught me that it's not always black and white. Sometimes we have to go against the grain because it is the right thing to do.  A seemingly wrong choice still has a lesson, thereby it is still a good choice because it has taught us that valuable lesson.  I learned to give people a chance, but to stand my ground when I had reached my limit.  

O-town was a good town for this lady and I will forever be grateful for the stones that were turned over because I took a chance on moving to the 'hood of Utah. Everything happens for a reason and I know that this next chapter will be just as amazing.  In the meantime, pray I don't go batty while packing up my house or send it all to Goodwill because I've had it with packing boxes. Pray that Mother Nature plays nice while I'm trying to drive a moving van with my life in it in the dead of winter. The struggle is real, believe me. Which reminds me, I should be sleeping...it's only 1 am.  Sigh.....

So now as I start my last week in Ogden and wait for the next chapter to begin, I thank my lucky stars that I have found my flair, my sass and affinity for red lipstick (and shoes) in this hippie, snowy, GORGEOUS, sometimes dog-food-smelly, quirky railroad town.  I'm a changed woman because I took a chance and followed my heart.  2016 is going to be amazing.  I know it.  How could it not be after this wackadoodle year???

The moral of the story: faith changes everything and in 2015 it did just that for me.  

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R

This Thing Called Adulting.

Blank blog posts are always a little intimidating for me because I never quite know what I'm going to say and type for all of you.  Writer's block is lame and it's even more ridiculous when you know damn good and well that you could spew sadness and bitterness, but opt for sunshine and rainbows and let's all find the silver lining together. And so.......here I go.......

Oh!  Before I get deep, let's all sigh at this glorious photo from my last photo shoot with Kel-Z Photography.  We found this great backdrop on Washington in Ogden, Utah and she caught me in the "Ray being silly (aka normal)" moment perfectly.  This is basically my life.  Crazy and really winging it at adulting.  You'd think I would have it figured out by now.  Nope.  But, I digress.  And so.....here I go.....

Life is crazy.  Life is beautiful. Life appears to be unpredictable in our eyes, but in the eyes of God, it is planned just as it is meant to be.  This is a challenging concept for me to swallow tonight.  In case 2015 wasn't without enough adventure, I was thrown a pretty swift curve ball to the gut this week.  I won't get in to details because it's done and I am moving forward, but I will share some musings with you that I've had in the last 48 hours.

Last week I shared some thoughts about the seasons of life and the seasons of mental health.  I also shed light on how challenging it can be for me to deal with the sudden changes and bumps in my ride of life aka adulting.  What does it all mean?  Why does shit happen?  Why do we cry like a sniveling baby with seemingly no control?  I have people tell me, "you're amazing, you're strong, you'll be OK."  I've also thought, "OK, this is super rad blog content, but I'm kind of over it so can we JUST have unicorns and rainbows and cease with the shit storms?"  But, the reality of it is my life is beautiful chaos and a long list of imperfection, but it is MY life.  I've been brewing up some new projects for 2016 and as I thought about how this little bloggy blog and my Instagram started I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the ride.  This has been a healer and a helper for me in so many ways.  But, it isn't just about me!  It's about all of you and your stories and your struggles!  We do this together and I am so grateful.

Our blessings FAR outweigh our burdens and I can feel it.  I came home tonight after going to dinner with my friend and in spite of us saying fewer words that we usually do because we were exhausted after a LONG week of adulting, we both felt better and more at peace with our realities.  I feel MUCH gratitude for the people in my life who get my dry, often dirty humor and jaded Ray outlook on life, but also see the deeply spiritual, authentic thinker and fierce lover that I am.  I could totally be a bitter bitch and hate God and never get out of the trenches of self-shaming, but I'm not doing that.  I am doing all that I can to let my brain process and cope and laugh when I feel like laughing and cry when I need to cry. My dear friend wrote an incredible blog after her son passed away and she often talked about the sunshine promises.  The fact that there is always sunshine after the storm.  That is so so so true.  However, when we are in the dark of the storm, it's sometimes hard to remember, "oh ya!  Rainbows come AFTER the rain and flowers grow better with rain and then sunshine."

When it is all said and done, we will look back on our toughest days and think, "holy crap, I was a master of self control and patience for not killing kittens and puppies while I was going through that mess."  I also know that we will look back and LAUGH when we still have the most important people in our lives because they strolled in at just the right time and didn't leave.  I have a good amount of sadness in my heart right now, but I also have an even greater amount of love and pure gratitude for my tribe of humans who, once again, are carrying me.  We CAN do hard things.  Absolutely we can.  And in the meantime, I'm going to take a nap (or in this case, go to bed before the clock strikes 2 a.m.)

The moral of the story:  Blessings are greater than burdens.  Write it down.  Embrace it.  Believe it. And I'll do the same.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Seasons of Life.

Hey hey, my lovelies!  It’s November!  How did THAT happen?  Wasn’t I soaking up sun in the pool like yesterday?  Sigh.  Winter is creeping its way in to the day-to-day of the ‘hood and it gives me much to be reminded about my love/hate relationship with the next three months at Chez Ray.

I’ve talked about my lifelong quest against that bitch named depression, but I wanted to focus on the seasons of our life in this post.  I’m also very pleased to reveal the fourth and final hair photo of this year’s series with Kel-Z Photography!  Behold straight and crazy hair, polka dots and lying on cobblestone at the Union Station in Ogden, Utah.  Cobblestone, you say?  Yep.  And the answer is no, it is not comfortable, but it looks cool so who cares??

I often forget that there are seasons in my life, both literally and figuratively, that I struggle with more than others.  Transition and change is hard for me. I was raised in a home with parents who valued roots and consistency.  We were all about traditions in our family, meaning we did the same things over and over every year for the holidays.  That proved to be really challenging for me as a young adult because I found myself being depressed because I was forced to spend Christmas Eve alone or not be able to travel home to visit my family.  At some point I finally came to terms with this fact: sometimes we have to do it alone and it’s OK.  Christmas Eve alone didn’t last very long once my family found out and I’ve since spent the holidays with my aunt and uncle and cousins and am never wanting for company during Christmas. 

Figuratively, seasons of emotional health come and go as well.  When I was in organized therapy, there was always this goal to complete the task.  Be done with weekly, bi-weekly then monthly visits.  I felt like I could check off the box and be done.  Therapy – check, double check, here’s my token t-shirt for the road.  However, I was taken aback when my therapist looked at me and said, “it’s ok for you to come back if you need to.  We call them booster visits in this office.”  I laughed it off because I thought I was better than that.  I had put in my time and I was bustin out of this joint.  Wrong.  Within a year, I was back on the sofa with my shoes off and my journal open sharing some of my struggles and getting my booster dose.  I was and still am eternally grateful for my Jennifer and her scrupulous note taking about my jacked up life and even better emotional roller coaster at that time.  I still really hated my reality even though I had just paid hundreds of dollars to get over the other set of crappy realities in my life.  Once I moved to Ogden, I breathed a sigh of relief because I FINALLY felt happy, I loved my neighborhood and I fit in.  I could rest easier beause my life was going to be EASY now compared to what it was in Salt Lake.

My days of unicorns, rainbows and clicking of red shoes in the ‘hood was numbered and I soon had some struggles set in with work.  Wait, what?  This isn’t supposed to be happening.  I just worked in hell at the last place, that can’t happen again.  But, it sorta did.  Ugh.  I pressed on and I took it as an opportunity to create sunshine in a season that was turning out to be a really crappy situation. 

Now fast forward to the last year.  I talked about the journey it’s been in my last post, but I have really felt the seasons of life pass before me in ways that I loathe and love.  I’ve had some life goals in my heart forever that I’ve been able to accomplish in the last couple of months. Along with that I’ve cried some big tears over mistakes and stupidity that appears to be a common denominator with me.  It’s dumb.  I fell APART last week because my lady plumbing appointment, which was grossly overdue, did not go as I had hoped.  I mean, how glamorous can anything with a paper gown and stirrups be?  But, I’ve had super chill appointments in the past and this one threw me off guard.  I lost my marbles in the bathroom and my boss found me.  Oops.  New employee is a sniveling, imperfect mess.  We talked long enough for me to stop sobbing and I tried to recount what had happened.  What finally came out of my mouth was this, “let’s back up this train and remember that I have just been through one of THE most stressful years of my life and apparently I didn’t lose weight in stress this time around.”  Le.  Sigh.  My boss offered some really consoling words about my worth and my beauty and I stopped crying and went back to my desk.  Can we all say it together, “DAMN the seasons of life!”  I was really really upset for about 4 days because my waistline took the biggest hit (besides my pride and my finances) during my unemployment ride.  But, the best part of this is knowing that it is only for but a small moment and I will be OK.  I feel better this week, but holy hell, I was one emotional girl last weekend.  Lame.  I hate it when I’m the girl that drives me the most crazy. 

In conclusion I would like to share a really special video with all of you.  My co-worker’s wife recently embarked on a project that will bring you to tears.  It’s entitled, “1000 words: A Silent Interview on Self Worth” and it takes the viewer on a journey of facial expressions and body language as a group of women and girls are asked questions about their life and the seasons that come and go.  I could hardly believe the power and hurt and emotion that came across as these women displayed their vulnerability.  I have included the video below and I hope you will take the time to watch it with all the women in your life, whether young or old.  The questions that are asked are critical and they remind me that we do NOT give ourselves enough credit, nor do we give others the benefit of the doubt that they might be in a really shitty season of life. 

The moral of the story:  Just like the leaves change and the snow falls from the sky, our lives bring seasons of change that last for a small moment, but still bring beauty and magic to our lives. 

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R

The Road Less Traveled.

In the poem “The Road Not Taken” Robert Frost penned the following, “two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry I could not travel both and be one traveler, long I stood and looked down one as far as I could to where it bent in the undergrowth; then took the other, as just as fair, and having the better claim because it was grassy and wanted wear; though as for that the passing there had worn them really about the same.”

This poem has always spoke to me and this year I have felt some aftermath of taking the road that seemed fairer because the grass was greener and appeared to have less wear.  This year has been intense and emotional behind the scenes. Don’t get me wrong; I have been immensely blessed, but the challenges have kept their front row seats for a good chunk of this year.

Two months after my granddad passed away, I was thrown in to the darkness of unemployment and it was a really sad and challenging reality to face.  I loved my job and my boss was one of my best ever, but the timing was off for a number of reasons and it was decided that I needed to embark on a new adventure.  Sword to my heart, but what do you do?  When I took this particular job, I left an 11 year career in an industry that nearly sucked the life and love out of me.  I thrived in it, made great money, had awesome contacts and friends, but the stress was so astronomical that I made the choice for my family of one to join an industry that was much more my forte and made me happy.  What transpired in my next job was a true experience of growth, acceptance that it was for a short time in my life path, but it also had a list of blessings that were added to my life. I was given a task that was challenging and tedious, but equally rewarding.  I felt like I was doing the right thing by taking this road. I took a risk in my career and chose the road less traveled after having been on the grassy, fair path. It was hard, but it was happy and successful as well. 

In the midst of all my adventures, I decided that when I finally came out of the forest of unemployment sadness and stress, I would reward myself with a grand costume adventure this Halloween.  In my last post I talked about geekery and its beauty and this is where mine comes in to play.  I LOVE HALLOWEEN. When I was a kid, my siblings and I looked forward to Halloween and always had fabulous costumes.  This has carried over in to my adult life and Utah is the mecca of Halloween celebration so this feeds my love.  Last year I purchased a pattern with the hopes of being Red Riding Hood.  Life happened and I ended up putting it on the back burner for 2015.  Then I lost my job, was poor indefinitely and didn’t know if I was going to work for someone who even celebrated the holiday.  Fast forward to September when I was presented with an offer with a company that not only celebrates Halloween, but STOPS all business to party for an entire day. I am in heaven.

I was lucky enough to have an awesome artistic posse this year to create my dream costume also known as #RayRidingHood2015.  My costume was custom designed (a joint collaboration) by me and Crystal from Anubis Creations in Salt Lake.  I did NOT want a cape.  I wanted it as a lace-up bodice and all one piece and the “Lord of The Rings” massive hood in red velveteen.  That is exactly what I got.

I also wanted to have a petticoat and was lucky enough to find a black number that is made in the USA from Endless Indulgence on Historical 25th Street in Ogden.  In case it wasn’t cool enough already, I decided that I needed bad ass red shoes and I picked those up at Endless Indulgence as well.

Last, but certainly not least, was the mask.  I STRESS about never having a male counterpart for Halloween.  It’s so insanely dumb, but it’s a total girl moment that I have almost every single damn year.  I briefly voiced this concern to my friend Amanda from Artisan Maskers and she said, “um I will make you a gorgeous, one-of-a-kind wolf mask and you will be both.”  Sold. Feminist independence for the win!  She is so talented and I am honored to wear such a beautiful piece of artwork on my face.

As Kelsey and I were shooting the photos at Union Station in Ogden I got very introspective and borderline emotional when we looked in to the sunset and dual train tracks and the choice of paths before us.  This has been my life this year!  It has been a constant battle of choices, mistakes and heartache, but then getting back on track and finding happiness and my zen again.

The last paragraph of Robert Frost’s poem is powerful and inspires me.  It says, “I shall be telling this with a sigh, somewhere ages and ages hence; two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by and that has made all the difference.” 

It truly made all the difference in my life to take the road less traveled last July when I made the choice to leave a toxic situation and move towards my ultimate happiness in a new career.  Even though there was still sadness and struggle, the end result is the RIGHT result for me and that is the difference that matters.  We can do hard things, my lovelies.  We can achieve goals and trudge through trial even when we think it is UTTERLY IMPOSSIBLE.

The moral of the story:  Fear not to take the road less traveled.  It is the road that leads to personal growth and a whirlwind of adventure.

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R

Create Your Own Sunshine.

Happy weekend, my lovelies! I can honestly say that this week has been the most mentally taxing in my career vacation adventure, yet so full of sunshine. I won't burden you with the seedy details, but I will share some things I have learned.  But, first....behold....the final photo and the spring version of my hair pictures with Kel-Z Photography.  Rose petals, pink, sunshine in Ogden, happy Ray.  I loved shooting this one because the sunshine was peaking through the trees and we had to get a little creative to make it just right and not too glary (totally a word) and squinty. 

Life tends to make us glary and squinty at times.  I try really hard not to play my redhead cranky bitch card ALL the time, but man, it's not easy when life is turned upside down and I just want to crawl in a hole and cry.  I've had a lot of people tell me that I've handled this latest adventure with grace and poise.  Oh, if only that were true.  I mean, my life seems pretty super awesome on social media because I get to sleep in and do whatever the hell I want; however, that is such a sliver of my life.  In reality, it has been a ginormous test of my coping skills that I learned in organized therapy as well as a religious fundamental test to the nth degree.

There is a hymn in the Mormon hymnbook that has the following line, "when sore trials come upon you, did you think to pray?"  Whenever I sing the song and come to that line I think about the long list of prayers that have been said by me and for me when I have had sore trials in my life.  I am always a little leary when people say "we're praying for you!" because I tend to question it with some, especially on social media, because it can come across trendy and fake.  But, when I see blessing after blessing falling out of the sky and the sunshine that lands in my lap, I have to eat my words and ask for forgiveness because then I know someone (probably everyone) is praying for me.

This week I learned a really great lesson about creating my own sunshine.  I am a creature of habit (thanks, Mom), but at some point the MUNDANE of habit gets to me and I take a polar opposite approach and go a tid bit batty.  I'm sure you can relate.  Be honest with yourself....we all have that in us about something.  Dishes?  Cleaning the guest bathroom?  Sorting socks?  Anyway, my biggest survival method during all of this adventure has been routine.  As much routine as I can have to stay on task, but this week all of my usual routine was so painful.  I picked up the phone to call my mom and this is what she said, "You need a change of scenery adventure. Your usual routine is making you crazy (ier) so figure out a way to change it up so that you don't go nuts this week.  As soon as she said that I started thinking about coping mechanisms that I haven't used a lot during this adventure, but have worked in the past.  At the top of this list is coloring.  I am talking about straight up kiddie coloring in a princess coloring book with fresh new Crayola crayons.  Let me show you....

The change of scenery adventure that day turned in to a grand scavenger hunt of super secret locations that I knew nothing about before that day.  I was incredibly grateful for my tour guide that sent me to some of the most beautiful places in our area. I was also grateful for a new Disney Princess coloring book and a peaceful spot to color away my troubles.  Who says Cinderella, Snow White and Sebastian the Crab don't cure the crazies?  Like I said before, if there was ever any doubt that prayers weren't being said and answered on my behalf, times like this proved me wrong.  Oh. So. Wrong.  

The second coping mechanism that I haven't taken a lot of advantage of during this adventure is being around kiddos.  I've seen my auntie loves a few times in the last five months, but not a ton and I was starving for the simplicity and hilariousness of kid world.  Lucky for me, I happen to know a super cool kindergarten teacher with the BEST group of 5 year-olds and she has been quick and grateful to have me in her classroom to volunteer and participate.  This week I spent 3 days in kindergarten.  To most that sounds insanely exhausting (IT IS), but for me it was so much sunshine.  There is absolutely no time to be worried about the future when you have cute faces telling you how pretty you look (apparently they DO notice when I put on my eyebrows and mascara), hugging you at random and letting you test them on ABC's, numbers and sight words as well as lead a construction paper craft with googly eyes (eek!).  And let's be honest, there is a lesson to be learned when you have a little person who has a meltdown over glue stick and you think, "Honey, you're 5.  Your life is glorious and gives no reason for tears over glue.  Let's stop crying and continue on with the craft."  

When I knew that this moment of sunshine was a true gift from God was on Thursday when a student presented me with a thank you note and treat from his mom that thanked "Miss B's fantastic friend" for being in the classroom in her absence.  As I stood there and read it I had to hold back the tears (there's no crying in kindergarten) and it made my whole week.  So much sunshine right here, my lovelies.  So very much.  

The cure to my inner uneasiness this week really was crayons, super secret change of scenery adventures, mamma thank yous, cute kiddos of the 5 year-old kind and SO MANY construction paper Pete the Cats with googly eyes (someday I will write a whole post about the joy I find in googly eyes).  

The future is bright and my emotional bucket is filled because I took some sound mamma advice to heart.  Shhhh....don't tell her I admitted she was right on social media.  

The moral of the story:  Sunshine doesn't just come from the sky.  It comes from all around us and can turn an upside down week right side up in NO time.  

Until next time, my lovelies.  

-R

Turn Your Eye To The Sky.

Hello, my lovelies!  I bet you didn't expect more photos from my summer shoot with Kel-Z Photography to come up.  Bazinga!  I tricked ya!  I have two more that I'll be bringing to you, but I'll keep you guessing.  This photo is one of my favorites.  Ogden is ma 'hood and 25th Street is our playground.  I really wanted an umbrella shot and Kelsey had this totally amazing vintage umbrella that we were able to use.  Flowers, sunshine, blue sky, mountain view, cute shoes and pink?  I will take it!  Before we headed to the rainbow door (my FAVORITE photos) we snapped this photo at Ogden's Union Station.  

I've been on a social media siesta for the last month.  Life has kicked my trash a bit and I needed some self care, brain vacay and stepping away from social media seemed to be my answer.  During the last month, I've experienced some trigger moments, too many tears to admit, but a myriad of blessings that I may have missed if I was consumed with technology.  I've also witnessed some friends and family deeply struggling with the storms of depression themselves and it has reminded me that we can't ever ever ever forget to take care of ourselves and stay on track with what our body is telling us.  I have felt the need to share some thoughts with you about keeping an attitude of faith during the shit storm of life, but also being acutely aware of the signs that your body sends to you as a cry for self care.  

During the times of my life that I've been in deep, dark, incomprehensible depression, I've always wondered how I would get out of it.  My first extreme episode was when I was 19 and I would lay awake at night and pray to God that I would fall asleep so that when I woke up it would be gone.  Those are intensely haunting memories that I won't ever let myself forget completely.  The biggest lesson I learned from that first round of depression was the beginning of a decade of recognizing triggers.  It wasn't until I went to organized therapy that I admitted out loud that I had triggers and that I needed to be aware of them, accept them and be ready to work through them when something brought them up in my memory. Not easy. 

Triggers are those events, people, smells, shoes, sayings, tv shows, colors, foods that remind you of a time when you were in danger or volatile and send you in to a tale spin of epic proportions.  Triggers SUCK.  Most of the time you don't see them coming and when they smack you in the face you think, "DAMN IT, why did I let myself get here?"  But, the fact is, once it happens, you have to ride with the waves and go in to self care mode while your brain works through it.  I can't and won't tell you that I have all the answers about dealing with triggers.  We all have different methods of coping, but I can tell you that if you will turn your eye to the sky, remember that there is a big beautiful world full of people who love you, anything is possible and you will make it.  

Along with triggers, I want to talk with you about a little thing called Vitamin D.  As a redhead with fair skin who grew up in the insanely cold tundra of Southeastern Montana in an artsy poor family, I didn't know what outdoor recreation really was as a child and youth.  The concept of enjoying winter was foreign and it also meant that I didn't see a lot of Vit D time from October to April.  We HATE winter in my family.  It's depressing, cold as hell and dark at 4 pm.  When I moved to Salt Lake and experienced my first winter with the inversion, I thought I was going to die.  I was miserable.  I could hardly cope.  I was sick, it was dark and I craved clean air and sunshine something fierce.  It wasn't until my fifth Utah winter (what?) that I went to a lady doctor and asked to have my Vitamin D levels tested.  Do you want to guess the outcome????  I barely registered on the charts.  She looked at me and asked, "how do you even cope during the winter?"  Um, good question, lady!  In my previous 10 years of treatment and medical care I had NEVER had a lady doctor say, "let's test your Vitamin D and see if that is contributing to your depression during certain times of the month."  I sat in the exam room and cried.  I finally had answers.  Answers meant I could make a plan and help myself feel better.  

When I moved to Ogden, I thought, OK, self, we need to get a grip on winter.  My first winter here wasn't a walk in the park, but when I bought my current car, I knew that it was absolutely necessary to spend more money on an SUV so that I had the ability to solve my winter blues symptoms by driving to the grocery store myself after a blizzard for a week-supply of Diet Coke (totally have many times) or drive to Ogden Valley and find sunshine and clean air on a Sunday afternoon.  I am going in to my fourth winter in Ogden (holy moly, time flies) and I'm already making a plan of how I will make it FUN!  That is a real-life example of knowing my triggers and staying ahead of them as much as I can by having a plan.  

Vitamin D is critical to our mental health, my lovelies.  However, it can't always be consumed in food or sucked up by being outside in the sunshine.  Talk to your health professional and ask the questions.  Pay for the test to get an idea of where you stand with your Vitamin D levels.  Women generally are always low.  Just like me, when you have answers, you can make a plan and start self care and watch for your triggers.  Knowledge is power.  It truly is.  

The moral of the story: we live in a beautiful imperfect world full of people who love us and can help us when we don't know what to do next.  Eye to the sky, ask the questions and make a plan.  You can do it.  I know it.  

Until next time, my lovelies.  

-R

This Way to Adventure.

The late Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."  I have to admit that I've been at a loss for the right words for this post.  I've known the title for probably two months, but no words.  Life has a way of testing my patience and it's safe to say that I'm in that moment right now with my current adventure.  But!  I can also say that the blessings are PLENTIFUL.  I am so grateful for the rays of sunshine that surround me and offer random pep talk text messages, inspirational quotes on my Facebook page, dinners, amusement park adventures (more on that later) and the list goes on and on.  

Throughout my career I've always had a mantra of "anything is possible with a good pair of red shoes."  My friend's father once told me that he didn't like red shoes because that's what the hookers in Puerto Rico wore when he was a kid.  Nonetheless, I've always felt great power in a good pair of red shoes.  How many times do we have a day that we think, "huh, how about I stay in my bed, firmly planted under the covers, and the grown-upping ceases?"  I've had them a few too many days in my life, but some of the BEST days I've experienced have been those when I kicked myself out of bed, got dressed, threw on my red shoes and showed up.  It's not easy.  I've talked about my bestie relationship with a thing called depression and one thing that is a consistent is this: the days you want to stay in bed and give the hell up are the days you need to get out of bed the MOST and move and be active.  It is seriously the biggest, most painful paradox, but it's true.  Get that blood flowing and force your brain to think about things other than the suckiness of your life and find the sunshine.  

Faith in the unknown is an on-going battle for me.  I'm a planner, a doer, a giver and a lady who likes to have a clear idea of where I'm headed next.  A wise friend gave me the advice that I need to "breathe and trust" and let life happen.  Phew!  Wait, what?  You want me to settle down and trust?  Whoa, whoa the faith train has pulled into town and I have been issued a first-class ticket.  It's so simple and I'm here to say, it works.  As I calm down, I tend to think more clearly and see those small and simple blessings that are right in front of my face. . . and then there was the day I let my bestie talk me into something completely c-razy, but it proved a fierce point that I needed re-enforced: I can do scary things.  

See this photo?  To some it may look like a 'gorgeous Utah sunset' but to me it is pure and utter craziness because I was standing in line to get on this nutso roller coaster at Lagoon.  Behold, the white roller coaster of death.  The rickety, scary-as-hell, oldest, made-of-wood roller coaster.  My Lu bestie came to visit this last weekend and she had passes to Lagoon for her company summer party that she shared for my birthday adventure present.  I'm a lost cause at amusement parks.  I have a weak stomach, issues with heights and the attention span of a 5 year-old while waiting in line.  However, I also know that I don't die when I'm under the influence of Dramamine and if I calm down and close my eyes (total child) I do actually have fun.  So, little by little she got me to go on crazy-ish rides.  When she suggested the white roller coaster I thought, "why the hell not?  I won't die.  I might come close, but I won't die."  So crazy that I did it and I am pretty sure I was more entertaining for her as I tried to not wet myself or cry or both.  But!  I DID IT!  I so totally did it and I walked away feeling like a champ because I overcame a serious amount of fear.  As I was walking like a drunken sailor to the concession stand for my free Diet Coke (WINNING!) I said to her, "you do realize this is going in my next blog post?"  So there you go.  Laugh amongst yourselves that I even told you about it. 

So, back to the real photos....I had so much fun shooting this outfit with Kelsey.  It had a vintage, sassy flair...which shouldn't surprise any of you.  The cardigan is from college (a LONG time ago) and I refuse to get rid of it.  The dress was a great D.I. find, the necklace is from Chic Style Utah and the shoes were on sale at PayLess.

What I love about life is that sometimes the best coping mechanism is wearing a good pair of red shoes and throwing on those sunnies to have a moment to breathe while no one is looking in your eyes to see the real story.  We can't wear our sunnies all the time, but we can sure take a break and look hot whilst letting ourselves breathe and trust.

So, here I am in the middle of the road.  Which adventure next?  Which staircase should I take?  At this very second I don't know the answer, but I know that life keeps moving forward and the blessings keep falling out of the sky and I continue to keep a straight path in sight and a smile on my face.

The moral of the story:  Life will always have a new adventure for us to tackle, but the good news is: we CAN do scary things and we DO live to tell about it!

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

In My Life.

This new set of photos with the lovely Kel-Z Photography has really blown me out of the water.  It's by far the series that I am the most comfortable with and feel like I look like myself.  This particular outfit is no exception.  In fact, this outfit has a long list of stories.  The skirt basically cut off all breathing ability and we giggled a LOT as I tried to drive us around Ogden cut off lung capacity.  The belt is turned backwards because I think it looks dumb the "normal" way with this tunic from Chic Style Utah.   Last, but not least, the shoes are bad-ass-smokin hot, but were purchased in an extremely challenging period of my life.  And thus, we engage in some real talk avec Ray for this week's blog post.  

A couple of months ago I decided to deep clean the closet and donate a LOT of shoes to a non-profit that my friends run.  As I was going through my shoes I came upon these beauties.  At first glance my heart jumps a little because they are HOT.  Vintage-inspired, polka dots, peep toe, good heel.  But, in the same string of happy emotions, my heart also sinks just a tiny bit as I have a flashback with a flood of memories that are attached to these shoes.  In that moment, as I sat on my closet floor, I opted to keep them because I needed the reminder of how far I've come since they were purchased lots of years ago.  

One of my favorite Beatles hits is "In My Life."  The lyrics speak to me and it is one of those songs that I will randomly remember while I'm going about my day and sing out loud.  The lyrics I particularly love are, "There are places I remember all my life.  Though some have changed, some forever, not for better; some have gone and some remain.  All these places have their moments of lovers and friends I still can recall.  Some are dead and some are living; in my life I loved them all."  Things have changed for me; friends and loves have come and gone, but I do remember them all.  When I think about the events that surround these shoes I get teary.  Not because I'm sad that it didn't work the way I thought it was supposed to; that was impossible.  I get teary because I was STRONG in my time of weakness and I worked through it and I am a BETTER human because of it because I let God's timing take over.  

This past week I felt compelled to share my "closing remarks" from my last session of therapy with a dear friend.  It's been at least 2 years since I've read them from start to finish.  They are the kind of words that I am a-OK with staying in the past, but I haven't forgot what I wrote.  My therapist encouraged closing remarks with a series of questions that were the highlights of the goals I set to accomplish in my journey with her.  For me, it was a critical part of my healing because it forced me to really think about what we had accomplished, but what I also had in front of me as I went about my life without the security blanket of a third party helping me cope.  I've decided to share a portion of them with you today because I think this is a sentiment that many of us can relate to at some point in our life.  I can also attest to the absolute feeling of despair and mourning that I felt as I went through the process of therapy.  As you shed the shit your brain actually has to go through a process of reprogramming to adjust to life being different (even though it is better).  

"In many great movies when the film concludes the sorrowful words, "The End" stream on the screen and the viewer is done.  Done knowing what happens next and perhaps hoping for more.  However, with most stories "The End" really just means an end to THAT moment, not an end all together.  

So, here I sit celebrating that I am at the END of my time in therapy.  

It's not easy to admit you're jacked up to a complete stranger.  It actually sucks really bad and hurts like hell,  But, slowly as each layer of hate was peeled back and thrown away I got better.  For every bad thing I went through it seemed that little good things snuck their way in.  

The question has been posed to me when do you go back to loving deeply and what is the plan?  Well I don't know what the plan is.  The last 2 years were hell on earth and I had to purge some of those I loved the most out of my life because their love was toxic.  And I am here to tell you that any way you toss it up, toxic is still toxic.  

So, with a tear in my eye and a cute new outfit to boot....I say, cheers to the end because it only means a new beginning."

As soon as I copied those words in to the email for my friend I had to take a long, deep breath.  A moment to let it sink in that I HAVE improved.  I HAVE grown.  I HAVE overcome so much.  And thank God.  I thank Him every single day for The End meaning The Beginning for me.  

Not all therapists are created equal (they are still human) and I've had friends express sentiments of frustration that their attempt at therapy wasn't as successful as mine.  On the same hand, I've also had friends who have shared my sentiments that therapy was absolutely the BEST choice they've ever made because it saved their life and gave them the coping skills that they were missing and helped them move on.  If you are reading this and thinking, "I'm one of those people who HATED therapy."  Please don't give up.  Shop around.  This is your life we are talking about!  Embrace that you are in control of your happiness and healing and find your "Jenn."  She or He is out there; I promise.  

The Beatles' "In My Life" continues by saying, "And I know I'll never lose affection for people and things that went before.  I know I'll often stop and think about them.  In my life I loved you more.  In my life I loved you more." 

For me, the words "in my life I loved you more" are talking about me.  I HAD to love myself more and because I did, I took that leap and created a new beginning out of what seemed to be the end.  Dig deep, find that love for yourself, be brave, and have the courage to embrace the end being your new beginning.

The moral of the story:  The storms of life are REAL and will suck all the color out of life, but if we will have courage, faith and perseverance, the colors and sunshine WILL return.  In your life and in my life, love them more as we recall that they are the beginning, not the end.  

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R

Friends ARE the Spoon Full of Sugar.

Guess what, my lovelies!?  It's time for the next round of fabulous photo shoot features and blog posts with Kel-Z Photography.  I am beyond pleased with the results from this shoot and I can't wait to share my thoughts with you as well as her incredible art.

It's always a huge delimmma as to which outfit I will feature first because I love them all.  Generally, it comes down to the theme that I am going to talk about that makes the decision easy.  Such is this case this week.  First of all, can we all just stop and sigh in unison over the door in the photo above?  I have noticed that there are some pretty rad doors on the buildings in Ogden so I wanted to center some of my photos around those.  Random?  Yep!  Surprised?  You shouldn't be.  This group of photos were shot in front of the USDA Building on the corner of Adams Avenue and 25th Street here in Ogden.  Really cool building.  I was so giddy when I discovered it and that door.  Aw, the door.  The top I am wearing is from Chic Style Utah in South Ogden, UT.  It's a longtime favorite because of its simplicity and elegance.  Be sure to check them out by going HERE!

For the majority of my professional life in the service industry, I've played the game of association to remember people, places, things, events, lots of things.  I especially do this with clothes.  I remember people by the outfit and/or shoes they were wearing when I first met them or first saw them (that secret crush....aw yes.....that day....he looked so handsomer).  But, on the same hand, I also remember things with the clothing I have.  My entire closet is full of memories (LOTS of them...let's not get into that subject)  This outfit is substantially significant because it represents two of my dearest, longest friends who have done SO much for me in such small and simple ways.  And so I submit, in true Mary Poppins form, friends ARE the spoon full of sugar that makes the bitter medicine of life go down.

A couple of years ago I served on a committee for a Great Gatsby-themed charity gala in Utah County.  It was one of the greatest experiences of my life for a long list of reasons.  In the midst of all the planning for my part with the decorations, I was desperately trying to find the PERFECT outfit.  I went back and forth on the outfit options and what style I wanted.  I had told my friend Colleen that I was stressing over the outfit (normal in Ray Land) and one day I get a text from her that says "what size shoes do you wear?"  I told her and she replied, "I just found the most perfect Gatsby shoes and I am buying them and sending them in the mail tomorrow....be on the look-out.  You have to have them."  At this point, I hadn't decided which route I was going to take with the outfit, but was SO touched that she was on the look-out for the perfect shoes in Montana.  I had no idea what they looked like, but I trusted her judgement and when the box landed on my doorstep and I opened it,  I cried.  Basically, the perfect shoes, perfect fit and totally my style for everyday wear, not just for the event.  It may sound silly, but I treasure these shoes because of the thoughtfulness and genuine care of my friend that they represent.  I can absolutely attest to how hectic my friend's life is running a business, managing a household of hooligan boys and a diva dog, but she STILL makes time for her friends and these shoes are my constant proof.  How often do we take time to think outside of the box and do something for our friends that they would never ever do for themselves OR have the means to do?  

And then there was the skirt.  If you've been a die-hard fan of the blog, you may recognize it from a very early fashion feature that talked about my love for thrifting for things that I can transform from ugly to masterpiece.  When I wear this skirt I think of my Jo.  This skirt was the result of an SOS trip to Idaho to meet each other in the middle for comfort food, girl talk and thrifting....let me elaborate.  Jo and I have been BEST friends for 12 years.  We have gone to hell and back with each other.  We talk almost daily and are sisters from other misters.  Her family is my family.  We became friends while I lived in Montana and one of the other quirks I have is my passionate (ok maybe a little too dramatic...maybe not) love affair with Taco Johns.  It's cheap tex-mex and I HEART it.  They don't have these restaurants in Utah and it is my comfort food.  So silly, but the absolute truth and presents a problem when I am having a BAD day and just want to feel some normalcy again.  There is a Taco Johns in Pocatello, Idaho which is bascially half way for Jo and I so one Saturday I sent her the SOS text and said, "do you have plans today, I am getting in my car and driving to Taco Johns in Pokey, can you meet me?"  At this point in my life, that was a very out-of-character move and she dropped everything and got in her car and came to my rescue.  Do you have those friends that the minute you see them and hug them that you feel like you're not going to implode and can continue to conquer the world?  Jo is on that list.  She's simply amazing.  That day included a lot of shared feelings from both of us over potato oles and Diet Dew and then we found the local thrift store and laughed and laughed over how horribly ugly this dress was and how I would make it pretty and convert it to a skirt.  You don't believe me?  Look at the original blog post HERE.  It was crazy ugly and I wasn't wearing a lick of makeup when we did the duck face photo in the store.  We've since made one other SOS trip to Pocatello and it was full of laughing, eating and thrifting....our favorite.  I thank God daily for the blessing of this bestie of mine.  She does so many small, simple acts of kindness for everyone around her, including me.  But, I have to say that I adore the fact that she is my voice of reason and consistency that keeps me moving forward in the thick of the storm.

This wouldn't be a true post about simple acts of kindness without giving accolades to Suzy from Just Be Purses.  She has a really great Utah-based business called Just Be Purses.  I love her ability to make seemingly "weird fabric" into GORGEOUS one-of-a-kind masterpieces.  I featured her bags in my winter photo shoot and this time around I wanted to feature her clutch.  Isn't it gorgeous????!!  I was glad I found this one and even more grateful for her generosity in donating it for the photo shoot as well as a clutch that we are giving away (as shown below).  Genuinely kind people make life bearable.  Please show her some love by checking out her Facebook page HERE and go visit her booth at Logan's Summerfest next weekend!!  

The moral of the story: thank GOODNESS for friends who are the spoon full of sugar as we swallow the bitter medicine that is life at times.  They bring us sunshine, potato oles, and the perfect shoes...among a long long list of other things.  Thank yours today.  Do it.  NOW.  

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R

  

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