Perspective Changes Our View.

This week I've been very blessed to have some lessons that taught me how important it is to focus on the perspective of life's events. Many times we get so caught up in our vortex of struggle that we take a "woe is me" and "why the hell does this have to happen" and we forget that EVERYTHING in our life happens with purpose and perspective.  In the grand scheme of things, events that we may deem catastrophic or life-altering are probably that way, in our eyes. so that our path and our brain gets the remodel that it needs.  I have to remind myself that I am in the thick of the story, between my "once upon a time" and "happily ever after", and it may seem like the story will never end, but I'm actually creating a sub-plot of grand proportions that will still change me if I will let it.

One of the greatest blessings in my life are my friends.  I have stellar friends all over the country.  During my latest bump in the road of life, I've been strengthened by so many in their own way.  Notes in the mail, private messages on Facebook, phone conversations for HOURS where I do most of the talking and they do the listening and encouraging.  This keeps me going.  One friend in particular has given me such strength and I wanted to share her story with all of you.  I asked for her permission and due to the nature of her employment, she will remain nameless.  A couple of weeks ago, she experienced something in her job that was LIFE CHANGING for her and it brought a perspective that altered her outlook.  It was so "catastrophic" that she wrote about it and sent it to her mother.  Because of the magnitude of my bumpy reality, she knew I would appreciate this story and chose to share it with me as well.  It is not for the weak of heart, a real life "Grey's Anatomy" scene, but is powerful and I asked if I could feature it on my blog.  Her words are filled with faith in life and faith in God and yet her life is still not perfect.  However, she keeps perspective at the forefront of her life and because of that she blesses those around her, including me, with a deep appreciation for the sanctity, simplicity and delicacy of life.  Thank you dear friend, for sharing this with me and letting me share it with the world.

Journal Entry dated 9 April 2016

"I’ve been told that when a crisis hits, I will know what to do, that I will surprise myself and do better than I think. “You’ve been trained. You know what to do. It will come naturally.”

Right…

I’ve always thought that this was a bunch of bunk. When moderate crisis have hit at the hospital, I have found myself struggling with suppressing my own emotions, with hands shaking so violently that I can barely use them, and a brain that seems to screech to a halt. It takes all of my energy to keep from crying as I feel, much too deeply, what the family might be feeling.

I don’t want to be the family member being whooshed from the room while a flock of medical people come crashing in to save the day. It just seems too dramatic, too intense…too real.

Before I left for work yesterday, I took a moment to pray. “Heavenly Father, please help me to have a good day. Please help me to know what to do. Please help me to find someone to serve.” I had a good day, (Check!) I knew what to do, (Double check!), and I’m pretty sure I served someone who needed me. I’m just not exactly sure who that person was.

“Code Blue, CT. Code Blue, CT. Code Blue, CT.” paged loud overhead for all to hear. By the tone of the overhead page it was clear that this was not a drill.

I walked out of the break room and asked “Who’s the Team Lead today?”

“You are.”

“I am? Oh shit.” (Yes, I really did say this….sorry!)

I grabbed our heavy crash cart, stocked full of life saving supplies, and pushed it as fast as I could down the long corridor. The closer I got to the CT room, the more my heart started to pound. I was worried that my brain would screech to a halt and that I wouldn’t know what to do. So I paused. Well, at least my brain paused, as I rushed down the hallway.

“Heavenly Father, this is the real deal. I am in charge, and I need your help. Please help me to be calm. Please help me to know what to do.  Please help me to do my job. I’ve never done this before!”

Overwhelming peace and clarity instantly filled my body. My hands did not shake.
My brain did not falter.  I knew I was prepared, well, at least as prepared as one can ever be. I felt relaxed. Really relaxed.

It’s a hard thing, walking into a room, with a man laying on a table, his face so blue that it is nearly black. Doctors counting out the rhythm as they pound on his chest, “one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight...” It’s a hard thing to see the blood pooling in his mouth, blood pooling on his chest as doctors race to put in chest tubes, and watching the respiratory crew struggle to help him to breath with blood gushing out of his breathing tubes. And it’s a hard thing to know that through this all, even with two doctors and two anesthesia providers in the room, I am in charge.

I have never done this before.

My mind has been thinking about this scenario over and over, trying to make sense of things. It isn’t the blood that spattered the wall, the compressions that crushed his ribs, the “Everyone CLEAR! Shocking the patient in three, two, one!” that I had to call out, or the “Resume compressions!” that I’ve been mulling over.  It isn’t seeing the wife’s face as she calmly came in to touch her husband and say a brief prayer before his barely alive body was shipped to the ICU that I’ve been thinking about. Or her calm face as she thanked each one of us, almost individually, before walking away. It certainly hasn’t been the unusual way this code had to proceed due to the individual circumstances that lead to this man’s unfortunate day. And it hasn’t been the bloody footprints that we left in the room after everything had been cleaned, the final bit of evidence to our attempts at saving his life.

My mind can’t stop wondering about my reaction to it all. Why do I feel so calm?

Why am I not a basket case? I’ve been mulling it over in my mind, around and around, because I am worried that something is wrong with me. Shouldn’t I be devastated? Shouldn’t I cry, even a little? Shouldn’t I be a little bit traumatized? A wife just saw her husband’s unconscious body be taken to the ICU, know that this is probably it, as in the “It”, “The end”, or as I like to call it the “See you laters”.  Hollywood couldn’t have made the scene any more dramatic than it was.

Did he survive? Did he live?

That is the question that everyone asks. It wasn’t until becoming a nurse that I realized that “Did he survive?” and “Did he live?” have many layers and nuances. It’s like shades of a color. Is turquoise still blue? Yes, but not exactly.

So to answer the question, yes, he survived, at least at time of transport. His heart was beating. He was maintaining his blood pressure. He was even trying, in a small way, to breath on his own. His skin had even returned to a much more comfortable shade of pale pink. Was he alive? Yes. Is he alive?

I don’t know if he will ever leave the hospital. I don’t know if he will ever be able to hug his wife in this life. I don’t know if he will ever go home with his family. But I do know that he lives! No matter what happens to his body, his spirit is still alive.

And now as I write this, the tears suddenly fall.

Administration patted me on the back telling me “That was one of the best codes we have seen,” and were shocked when I told them that this was my first (I did see CPR one other time).  My other code team members said “Wow. You were so calm. You are an amazing team leader. You should run all of our codes.” and “You sounded and looked like you have run a hundred codes” when I confessed that this was my first.

Why was it that I was so calm? That I was able to very competently do my job, despite the horrific scene in front of me? A co-worker quietly asked me later that night, “Did you feel the help from the other side in the room with us? There were a lot of [heavenly] helpers in there.” It wasn’t until that moment that I realized the magnitude of help we had been given. I asked that morning to find someone to serve, not expecting to be the one served, but for that, I am feeling eternally grateful."

The moral of the story: No matter how hard life gets, keep perspective. Perspective will keep us breathing and facing our challenges with a miraculous sense of peace and calm.  I know it, my friend knows it and I hope that you can find it for you when you need it most.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Be sure to check out the biz side of "Let It Be & Celebrate" by visiting www.beyoudesignsut.co

Create Your Own Sunshine.

Happy weekend, my lovelies! I can honestly say that this week has been the most mentally taxing in my career vacation adventure, yet so full of sunshine. I won't burden you with the seedy details, but I will share some things I have learned.  But, first....behold....the final photo and the spring version of my hair pictures with Kel-Z Photography.  Rose petals, pink, sunshine in Ogden, happy Ray.  I loved shooting this one because the sunshine was peaking through the trees and we had to get a little creative to make it just right and not too glary (totally a word) and squinty. 

Life tends to make us glary and squinty at times.  I try really hard not to play my redhead cranky bitch card ALL the time, but man, it's not easy when life is turned upside down and I just want to crawl in a hole and cry.  I've had a lot of people tell me that I've handled this latest adventure with grace and poise.  Oh, if only that were true.  I mean, my life seems pretty super awesome on social media because I get to sleep in and do whatever the hell I want; however, that is such a sliver of my life.  In reality, it has been a ginormous test of my coping skills that I learned in organized therapy as well as a religious fundamental test to the nth degree.

There is a hymn in the Mormon hymnbook that has the following line, "when sore trials come upon you, did you think to pray?"  Whenever I sing the song and come to that line I think about the long list of prayers that have been said by me and for me when I have had sore trials in my life.  I am always a little leary when people say "we're praying for you!" because I tend to question it with some, especially on social media, because it can come across trendy and fake.  But, when I see blessing after blessing falling out of the sky and the sunshine that lands in my lap, I have to eat my words and ask for forgiveness because then I know someone (probably everyone) is praying for me.

This week I learned a really great lesson about creating my own sunshine.  I am a creature of habit (thanks, Mom), but at some point the MUNDANE of habit gets to me and I take a polar opposite approach and go a tid bit batty.  I'm sure you can relate.  Be honest with yourself....we all have that in us about something.  Dishes?  Cleaning the guest bathroom?  Sorting socks?  Anyway, my biggest survival method during all of this adventure has been routine.  As much routine as I can have to stay on task, but this week all of my usual routine was so painful.  I picked up the phone to call my mom and this is what she said, "You need a change of scenery adventure. Your usual routine is making you crazy (ier) so figure out a way to change it up so that you don't go nuts this week.  As soon as she said that I started thinking about coping mechanisms that I haven't used a lot during this adventure, but have worked in the past.  At the top of this list is coloring.  I am talking about straight up kiddie coloring in a princess coloring book with fresh new Crayola crayons.  Let me show you....

The change of scenery adventure that day turned in to a grand scavenger hunt of super secret locations that I knew nothing about before that day.  I was incredibly grateful for my tour guide that sent me to some of the most beautiful places in our area. I was also grateful for a new Disney Princess coloring book and a peaceful spot to color away my troubles.  Who says Cinderella, Snow White and Sebastian the Crab don't cure the crazies?  Like I said before, if there was ever any doubt that prayers weren't being said and answered on my behalf, times like this proved me wrong.  Oh. So. Wrong.  

The second coping mechanism that I haven't taken a lot of advantage of during this adventure is being around kiddos.  I've seen my auntie loves a few times in the last five months, but not a ton and I was starving for the simplicity and hilariousness of kid world.  Lucky for me, I happen to know a super cool kindergarten teacher with the BEST group of 5 year-olds and she has been quick and grateful to have me in her classroom to volunteer and participate.  This week I spent 3 days in kindergarten.  To most that sounds insanely exhausting (IT IS), but for me it was so much sunshine.  There is absolutely no time to be worried about the future when you have cute faces telling you how pretty you look (apparently they DO notice when I put on my eyebrows and mascara), hugging you at random and letting you test them on ABC's, numbers and sight words as well as lead a construction paper craft with googly eyes (eek!).  And let's be honest, there is a lesson to be learned when you have a little person who has a meltdown over glue stick and you think, "Honey, you're 5.  Your life is glorious and gives no reason for tears over glue.  Let's stop crying and continue on with the craft."  

When I knew that this moment of sunshine was a true gift from God was on Thursday when a student presented me with a thank you note and treat from his mom that thanked "Miss B's fantastic friend" for being in the classroom in her absence.  As I stood there and read it I had to hold back the tears (there's no crying in kindergarten) and it made my whole week.  So much sunshine right here, my lovelies.  So very much.  

The cure to my inner uneasiness this week really was crayons, super secret change of scenery adventures, mamma thank yous, cute kiddos of the 5 year-old kind and SO MANY construction paper Pete the Cats with googly eyes (someday I will write a whole post about the joy I find in googly eyes).  

The future is bright and my emotional bucket is filled because I took some sound mamma advice to heart.  Shhhh....don't tell her I admitted she was right on social media.  

The moral of the story:  Sunshine doesn't just come from the sky.  It comes from all around us and can turn an upside down week right side up in NO time.  

Until next time, my lovelies.  

-R

The Atlas of Love.

In life it is either feast or famine for me.  I'm a hopeless cause for balance some days and sometimes I just throw all care and worry to the wind and tell myself "it could be worse, I could be a dangerous addict of some kind."  Might sound a bit harsh, but I find it rather amusing (most days).  In the last year I have read more books than I have in the last 5 years.  College fried my brain and my love for reading and it has taken me this long (10+years) to recover and find my reading bug again.  While I was exiting my last career, the stress was SO HIGH.  I would come home at night and want to crawl in a ball and cry, but knew that wasn't always the answer.  I started to see some great book recommendations on Instagram and Facebook and started to read again on my iPad.  I'm a big dork about reading and if it makes my eyes hurt or I can't see the words, I won't do it. **old lady status** The beauty of my iPad is a bright, back light that means I can read in my bed, in the dark.  Perfection.  The last two books I read have been actual hard-copy books, but only because of a random chain of events, including a new light bulb in my lamp.....don't ask.....  The first book I am going to save for a 2nd edition of Beachy Reads & Sunshine Dreams, but the second gets its own post.  Read on, my lovelies!

Do you ever walk into the dollar store and stroll past the books and wonder if it's all crap or if there might be something worth reading hiding in the pile that will only cost you a buck?  On occasion I do, and the last time this happened was when in Idaho visiting my Jo bestie.  She was picking up a few items at the dollar store and the books were in the front of the store...bonus!  I started to dig through them and this book popped out at me.  As you know from my post about Sarah Boucher's book, "Becoming Beauty", I am a sucker for a pretty cover.  I shout praises to authors who have publishers with art departments that know what their doing with cover art.  I mean, I'm only one person, but I take the cover in to serious consideration when deciding whether or not to read a book. 

The front of the book says the following, "This story of women's friendships and redefining 'family' flows with lovely writing."  I could end my review right now because the person who said it was spot on.  But, I'm not!  

There were five themes in this book that I want to briefly address.  They are: friendship, faith, fear, family and love.  

Friendship:  The Atlas of Love is centered around the friendship of 3 graduate students in Seattle.  Talk about three different personalities and family structures too.  The reader quickly realizes that opposites do attract and these three girls are miraculously besties because they are SO different.  The biggest irony of this book is that one of the main characters is Mormon and she's kind of a weirdo.  I can say that because I was raised Mormon and I could tell that the author was very well-versed in her quirky Mormon.  Still so funny, but probably more so because I could relate to it better and have known LOTS of women over the years very similar to this character....let's just leave it there.  The entire premise of this book is friendship through thick, thin, sad, happy, angry and repeat over and over.  

Faith:  As I said earlier, there is a blatant reference to faith because of the Mormon main character, but she does not dominate the faith discussion.  Throughout the book, there is much deliberation about faith in life, faith in God, faith in humanity and faith in what is meant to happen.  Who can relate to that more often than you care to admit?  **pick me, pick me**

Fear:  This book involves a baby.  It involves a baby that is a BIG surprise and thus enters a boat load of fear from numerous characters.  How do you process when life throws you a curve ball that you didn't see coming?  How do you process when life throws you a curve ball that you DID see coming?  That's the toughie for me personally.  Knowing that the end is inevitable because the writing is on the wall so you brace yourself for the impact.  Fear of the future presents itself in numerous forms throughout the book as they deal with an unexpected pregnancy, some broken loves, balancing life and the mourning and coping that goes along with it.  

Family: As I quoted above, the book talks about redefining family.  Without giving too much away (ok, I'll give away as much is on the back cover), these three girls take on the raising of the baby boy who is named Atlas.  They affectionately call it tri-parenting and it sort of works.  They are all insanely busy graduate students so they make the decision that the only way this little boy can have a relatively normal life, given the circumstances, is for them to commit to be mothers together.  It really is a heartwarming and delightful concept in theory, but they soon find that the mamma bear a.k.a. she who cooked and birthed said child is still the final say in all decisions made about Atlas.  One of the things that really touched my heart was the passion that came from the two friends who weren't the biological mothers, but dedicated their lives as if they were his mother.  In addition to their commitment to this little boy, their families also committed to being adoptive grandparents and everything that accompanied these roles.  I related well because I am the proud adoptive aunt of lots of little people who I fiercely love as much as my biological nephews and niece.  Motherhood hasn't been my adventure yet and I am so grateful for the little humans who call me Auntie Ray who aren't biological, but who I love like they were from day one.  

Love: The backbone of any great story is love and this is no exception.  Love is kind, love is selfless, love is patient and love is tough.  And when I say tough, I mean both kinds--the enduring and the challenging.  I know from personal experience that the more deeply we love the more deeply we hurt.  It seriously sucks when it doesn't go in our favor, but it is also the most rewarding and beautiful gift to have in life.  My heart runneth over when I see the beautiful, giggly faces of my nephews and niece via FaceTime and even more so when I get barrel-hugged (a real word) when I see them in person.  The human heart and soul has infinite capacity to love if we will let it.  I will be the first to admit that I am one who can easily put my heart in the deep freeze and let it sit on ice for an indefinite time, but I don't like how it makes me feel.  I want to love and be loved, thus I take risks and embrace my ability to feel the way I feel and live life as it comes.  

The quote above is near the end of the book and it really inspired me.  Not too long ago I referenced "The End" really meaning "The Beginning" and I think this quote attests to that as well.  When we have loved then we can come to the close of a moment and begin the next set of amazing moments.  Love is our focus.  Love can and will continue to reclaim us if we will let it.  And just as this quote says there will be anger AND love, with hefty helpings of both, but love will always win.  I will say it again....love will win if we LET it.  Anger is hella toxic and it can eat you alive and burn your insides if you let it.  Take the time to let friendship, faith, family and love heal your heart because when love is in the air, the next chapter is about to begin.  

The moral of the story:  All you need is love.  The Fab Four knew what they were talking about.  Trust it and let it reclaim you.  

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R

The power of the hash tag

So here I am with a blog post.  I know.  Don’t faint.  I could provide a list of excuses, both valid and fictional, for not posting sooner, but I won’t air the laundry today.  I think my number one reason why I haven’t posted on the blog is because I’ve been waiting for that perfect topic to start it off with.  Well.  I have it and it’s time to talk about it.  

As many of you know I have a public Instagram that shares the same name as this blog: @beyoudesignsut.  In the beginning I started it as an experiment to lend some helpful tips to clients in my dayjob on maneuvering social media; especially the life in small squares.  I also needed a way to post my outfits here and there because people regularly ask me where I get my clothes.  And then there was this constant bombardment of hooker thin, photo-shopped women ALL OVER THE FREAKING INTERNET flaunting their plastic and fakeness and I just couldn’t take it anymore.  I am anything but plastic and I wanted other women, especially women in Utah, to have that outlet to share their look.  I have spent tons and tons of years thinking I’m not good enough because my shirt tag said XL instead of XS and my hips were curvy and my calves too wide.  Additionally, I’m a child of the 80’s and 90’s and it’s safe to say that I’m still a bit scarred from being that kid that wore clothes from second-hand stores when everyone else was sporting their name brands.  But, I digress.  I promised no dirty laundry airage.

Day by day this whole thing has flowered into a seriously amazing journey and connection to some of the most COURAGEOUS people I know.  Like for reals.  I could talk for days and days and days about my lovelies, but I am going to focus on one today because SHE has changed my perspective on life.  

Anneke.

I found Anneke through a common thread that was also one that brought me to create this Instagram.  Hiya Papaya Photo-a-day is a photo challenge that was started by my friend from college,Cristi.  Anneke had participated in her photo challenges and I started to figure out that this woman was one.incredible.human with a LOT of challenges, but a sunshine soul and attitude that could be bottled up and sold for top dollar.  As I started following her feed, I started to learn about her biggest hurdle in life and that is one of a recovering anorexic.  Oh boy…the taboo topic that we all whisper about when we see people we suspect might ‘have one’ but never really take the time to learn about.  It’s not just about the eating people.  It's just NOT.  It is so much more.  And I can say that because I have lived it on a very small scale.  You may not believe it if you see me now because I’m just a normal weight, not a super model skinny bean.  But, because of some emotional struggles of my own including a lifelong marriage to depression, food is the first to go for me when the road gets rough.  When I was in college I lost 50+pounds in 6 months because I quit eating because I couldn’t cope.  Yep.  It happened.  So, anyway.  I connected with Anneke the minute I started reading her heartfelt posts about putting on her sassy crown and facing her fears.  About 8 weeks ago she started to talk about the possibility of entering a treatment facility to address some other struggles that come with an eating disorder.  My heart hurt for her because it is so desperately hard to make decisions that revolve around you being in trouble and it means you’ll have to face it and talk to strangers about it.  Been there too.  Another story for another day.  

As the time drew near for her to enter the facility I could just feel my empathetic heart swell even more.  The good-byes to family, friends, and her cat named Couch along with the bags being packed and the tears and the reality.  So very hard to read about.  That was the week before Palm Sunday.  Now, one more thing I forgot to mention….Anneke lives in New Zealand.  I am in Utah.  Do the math.  I will do the math.  16 hours ahead.  She lives in the future.  The Saturday before Palm Sunday in the US, I was at my friend’s house and I had this thought, “we’ve got to do something for Anneke.  She needs this.  What could we do?”  Because we are on opposite corners of the globe I couldn’t just drop a care package in the mail or send a card that would arrive in two days.  I just couldn’t.  And it sucked.  Because that’s my nature.  As I wracked my brain to think of her common interests and something that was easy for anyone to share it dawned on me:  shoe selfies.  Some of my MOST favorite pictures that Anneke would post were shoe selfies as she would go on her adventures of photography.  And how do we start a revolution?  We make a hash tag.  So I started searching for that specific set of words that weren’t taken.  And then it came.  #shoeselfieforanneke.  Because I was a geek and had done the math I knew that if I posted my idea on Sunday morning and could get the Yankee ladies to do it that Anneke would wake up to HER Monday and would see these posts.  I didn’t expect mountains of response.  I shot for 10.  Because let’s be honest, even knowing that 3 people care about you can change the world.  Well….it was/has been/is more than 10 posts.  As of this morning we are at 227 posts.  I am floored.  I am humbled.  I cannot tell you how much stress and hurt has gone through that lovely woman’s heart because she has to be cooped up in a place that is full of people with issues far greater than her own.  It’s hard to heal when you’re amongst this type of thing.  Healing amid toxic is nearly impossible.  It just is.  But she is doing it.  And I am so proud of her.  

Because this is NOT ABOUT ME I will not go into the details of how this has blessed me, but it truly has on insane levels.  Service heals the heart and I thank God for the whispering in my heart to create this hash tag.  

The moral of the story: If you have a whispering to help someone, do it.  Even if it seems so simple and trivial.  It is not.  Nothing is a coincidence.  NOTHING.  

Until next time, my lovelies.  

And there will be a next time.  

I promise.  

-R