lemons to lemonade.

Once upon a time I made the leap of faith to leave a career that was sucking the life out of me. Little did I know that the next two years would be the BIGGEST lemons to lemonade object lesson of my life.  Wait, what?  I thought having straight-up clinical depression at 19 was that event in my life?  Or maybe fearing kitchen knives and necklaces because my anxiety was so high while in therapy?  Nope.  This.  Leaving a career and everything that followed has literally changed me, but for the better.  So, let's talk about that and how I've managed to turn my bushel of lemons to a grand pitcher of tasty lemonade.

If we are being totally raw and real, I will confess that there was absolutely NO other option, but to leave my previous career.  It was pretty much awful towards the end.  I was working for a person who was dishonest and didn't respect women. Plus, there were a lot of politics that didn't bode well for me.  I was miserable and stressed out of my mind.  I was presented with an opportunity to do what I loved so I took the risk and did it while taking a pay cut and all that went with leaving 11 years in a single industry.  It put me in the path of some of the best business people I've ever worked with, but also some on the other side of the spectrum.  Lemons to lemonade meant focusing on the people I loved working with and trying to tune out the others.  Not easy.  Believe me.  I opened up a part of my heart and soul that was passionate about doing the best possible thing with what I was given and I did just that.  I taught myself how to do things "the hard way" and succeed.  What I didn't know was this path was leading me in a direction of far bigger and much harder things.

One of the biggest challenges in life is to see the sunshine in our storm.  It's even harder when you already have a tendency for depression.  My mental health struggles started out because of female-plumbing-gone-haywire mixed with pressure on the homefront, but as I've aged and learned how to deal with that part, I've gotten better at managing it.  When my depression LOVES to show up to the party is in stressful situations or seasonal times of the year when the days are shorter and colder. Those are my triggers.  So, when I was suddenly presented with situations due to "doing what would make me happier" that were ultra shitty, the big D waltzed his way in too.  Yes, he is male.  No, I'm not being a feminist man-hater bitch.  Just roll with it.  Overbearing depression and anxiety are the party crashers that no one wants to ever see, but they still manage to show up.  But we have to face them and treat them with kindness because that's what ultimately sends them away.  Let them eat some appetizers, have a couple drinks and then they will go away.  And suddenly I've made depression sound like a bad wedding reception.

I have learned that the BEST way to make lemons to lemonade is to really take the advice "mind over matter" to heart.  Vision boards are not all smoke and mirrors, my lovelies.  When we visualize the other side of the trial we can get through the here and now so much better.  Having the vision doesn't mean that it's going to just poof itself away, but it means that we have our eye on the positive and can focus on it for as long as we need to.  It still means we will have "ugly cry" days and "step-away-from-the-chocolate-and-Diet-Coke-before-I-kill-you" days, but we get through them.

This past weekend I went to a business conference that my friends put together.  It was seriously one of the best experiences for me, both personally and professionally.  When it was done, I was on cloud nine for a long list of reasons.  I felt empowered, loved and appreciated. It was my lemonade for the last 2 years of utter hell of leaving a stable, yet shitty career, and becoming who I am meant to be.  However, I could not have been sitting in that room enjoying that surreal moment unless I had been in my previous career.  My knowledge, experiences and connections put me in that path.  150%.  In fact, my dear friend who was one of the event organizers was one of the best business risks I took in my previous career path.  She and I met sight-unseen after emailing each other on LinkedIn.  We still call each other the best blind business date we've ever been on.  I adore her and she has put me in the path of so many incredible people who have brought opporutnity and happiness to my life.  Lemons to lemonade.  Completely.  One of the speakers at the event was Olympic bronze medalist, Allison Baver.  Allison was in a horrific speedskating accident before the Vancouver Winter Olympics and her will to heal led her back to full health and she went on to win a bronze medal.  She shared the following quote with us and it really resonated with me.

Our mind can change the course of life, good or bad.  How are we choosing to treat it and how are we choosing to interpret life and its challenges?  For every trial, there are five things we can be grateful for sitting right in front of our face.  Each and every time we recognize the blessings we are keeping our brain on course to determine our outcome for the better. I can't begin to tell you the number of nights I have prayed with gratitude for my bed, the safety of my home, a warm bath, grilled cheese sandwiches and that the day was over.  5 things to be grateful for to every crappy thing.  Try it!  It works wonders!

One of the best cards I received last year was from my dear friend Mel.  It went something like this, "well lemons to lemonade, even if it's a 6 pack of hard lemonade."  At that point I probably could have drank a few hard lemonades, but I didn't, and I pulled myself up and got through the challenge that warranted her card.

I have resolved to further continue my quest for lemons to lemonade in some ways that are SO exciting yet SO terrifying because they expose more vulnerability and make my stomach jump.  But, I'm going to do it and I'm going to succeed just like I already have.

The moral of the story: When life hands you lemons, break out the juicer, throw in some extra suga (or maybe vodka) and have a party in spite of the storm!  You can totally do it!

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Be sure to check out the biz side of "Let It Be & Celebrate" by visiting www.beyoudesignsut.co

Static: Tune It Out.

Time has a way of flying by at warp speed and I don't realize how fast my spaceship of crazy is actually going until I look at a calendar and let it all sink in.  To say life has been hectic since last we met, is an understatement.  I am a broken record.  Much of my blog in the last 18 months coincided with some really challenging times as a grown-up.  Adulting sucks at times and finding reasons to love and appreciate trials is basically the hardest thing you can have handed to you.  And the longer those trials drag on, the harder it gets.  But, I've learned a few new coping skills that I want to share with all of you so that maybe one of you, maybe more, will take comfort in my crazy and know that there is sunshine on the other side of that shit storm you feel like is NEVER GOING TO END.  

Small Blessings Are Huge Answers to Prayers: I am so grateful to know that I can pray to a God who I know is aware of me and loves me, in spite of my long list of imperfections.  Even when I'm making choices that some might raise their eyebrows at, He is always right there by my side, quietly guiding my footsteps towards my destiny. When I chose to uproot my life in Utah, I knew that the transition was going to be hard.  But, that was when I had it all mapped out and everything was planned in a perfect little way and I could handle THAT.  Well, then my plot had a big fat twist in it and everything went exactly the opposite of what I thought I wanted.  Little did I know that this breaking of my perfect pieces meant that I could be put back together and healed.  I beat myself up over finally being honest with someone who I thought I loved and they did nothing.  Their silence, their utter weakness, felt like it was my fault.  It was not.  It is not.  He's an idiot.  I'm better off.  The end.  The letting go was a small blessing, but a huge answer to a tough prayer to utter.  I purged my hate disguised as love and moved forward.

Turn off the Static: Growing up in Southeastern Montana meant a lot of time on the road with no radio stations.  This was the era of cassette tapes aka no smart phones or bluetooth, so it could get a little interesting if you had a long distance to drive and only so many tapes.  It was rare that I would just allow myself to drive in silence because I was always afraid I would fall asleep at the wheel because of the boredom of quiet.  Fast-forwarding to present day and I still find myself hitting patches of road here in Idaho where there are no radio stations; just static.  Even though I have my trusty iPhone with Pandora and iTunes, they only work if I have cell service which is still spotty.  Because of this fact, I now allow myself to drive in silence at times.  I allow the static to be silenced.  Our lives are like that too.  Many times we want to have the noise all the time.  Noise means our brain is focused on something else.  Noise means we don't have to cope.  Noise means masking reality.  But, if we will turn off the static in our lives and let our heart and mind drink in the peace of quiet, we will discover parts of our soul that hasn't seen the light of day in a VERY long time.  Parts of our soul that need way more nurturing than we give credit.  I found a lost part of my soul when I turned off the noise and centered back to my heart and what it really needed and it was a remarkable breakthrough for me.

Look to the Light of Family & Friends: At one point this year there were three people in my immediate family without work; I was one of them.  If you've never experienced the stress of unemployment I pray you don't have to experience it EVER.  It's rough.  It's just not pleasant.  However, it has taught me to turn to the light that is family and friends.  The list of blessings is vast, but I could not have survived without countless FaceTime calls with my Colorado loves, the GIANT warm chocolate chip cookie that showed up on my doorstep one day, the encouraging words nearly every day, and the opportunity to cry when I needed to cry.  That run-on sentence can't be broken because it truly symbolizes that I kept moving.  I kept holding on when I wanted to break up with my crappy life.  But, I didn't. I kept going.  My version of moving forward soon became known as "Ray the Neigborhood Nanny." A smidge of magical Mary Poppins, a smidge of sassy swearing sailor, a bit of old-fashioned school marm and an enabler of soda fountain mixed drinks addictions. It was the SWEET life and I felt loved and needed and that was the glue putting my pieces back together.  Plus now my besties kids LOVE me.  More than they already did.  It's awesome.  I conned my niece with the promise of Starbucks tonight!  Muwhahahahahahaha, Neighborhood Nanny is also a bit of a villain.  That's the redheaded older sister in me.

Tell Yourself, "It Will Be Ok." and Believe It: I have a sister who hates quotes on signs or the wall.  It's super trendy these days, especially in Utah, and she is a ranty rage when we ask her if she wants a quote on her dining room wall.  I, on the other hand, welcome all the wordsy reminders I can get, to help me stay calm and practice true self-care.  When I lived in Ogden, my bathroom mirror was "words of affirmation" central.  I put them in the bathroom because I spent a lot of time in there getting ready for the day and that's when I needed to remind myself that everything would be ok.  The more I walked in my bathroom and read my own affirmations out loud, the more I believed it.  The brain is a powerful tool.  It can either help or hurt you.  Now that my bathroom is a shared space and upstairs, I have my affirmations tacked on my bedroom wall and I still read them daily.  It did turn out, I did get the good job, and whoever the future baby daddy is actually supposed to be; he is out there in the universe being groomed to what I need most.  But, he better not shave off his beard or I'm folding on that birthing plan.

This little bloggy blog is my place to share some sunshine and I hope that it can continue to be that for my readers as well.  I want you all to know that we CAN face the shit storm with humor, poise and faith.  And when all else fails, just remember....

The moral of the story: You can always be the neighborhood nanny to someone and lend your time and love in times of need, both for you and them.

Until next time, my lovelies
-R

Be sure to check out the biz side of "Let It Be & Celebrate" by visiting www.beyoudesignsut.co

Perspective Changes Our View.

This week I've been very blessed to have some lessons that taught me how important it is to focus on the perspective of life's events. Many times we get so caught up in our vortex of struggle that we take a "woe is me" and "why the hell does this have to happen" and we forget that EVERYTHING in our life happens with purpose and perspective.  In the grand scheme of things, events that we may deem catastrophic or life-altering are probably that way, in our eyes. so that our path and our brain gets the remodel that it needs.  I have to remind myself that I am in the thick of the story, between my "once upon a time" and "happily ever after", and it may seem like the story will never end, but I'm actually creating a sub-plot of grand proportions that will still change me if I will let it.

One of the greatest blessings in my life are my friends.  I have stellar friends all over the country.  During my latest bump in the road of life, I've been strengthened by so many in their own way.  Notes in the mail, private messages on Facebook, phone conversations for HOURS where I do most of the talking and they do the listening and encouraging.  This keeps me going.  One friend in particular has given me such strength and I wanted to share her story with all of you.  I asked for her permission and due to the nature of her employment, she will remain nameless.  A couple of weeks ago, she experienced something in her job that was LIFE CHANGING for her and it brought a perspective that altered her outlook.  It was so "catastrophic" that she wrote about it and sent it to her mother.  Because of the magnitude of my bumpy reality, she knew I would appreciate this story and chose to share it with me as well.  It is not for the weak of heart, a real life "Grey's Anatomy" scene, but is powerful and I asked if I could feature it on my blog.  Her words are filled with faith in life and faith in God and yet her life is still not perfect.  However, she keeps perspective at the forefront of her life and because of that she blesses those around her, including me, with a deep appreciation for the sanctity, simplicity and delicacy of life.  Thank you dear friend, for sharing this with me and letting me share it with the world.

Journal Entry dated 9 April 2016

"I’ve been told that when a crisis hits, I will know what to do, that I will surprise myself and do better than I think. “You’ve been trained. You know what to do. It will come naturally.”

Right…

I’ve always thought that this was a bunch of bunk. When moderate crisis have hit at the hospital, I have found myself struggling with suppressing my own emotions, with hands shaking so violently that I can barely use them, and a brain that seems to screech to a halt. It takes all of my energy to keep from crying as I feel, much too deeply, what the family might be feeling.

I don’t want to be the family member being whooshed from the room while a flock of medical people come crashing in to save the day. It just seems too dramatic, too intense…too real.

Before I left for work yesterday, I took a moment to pray. “Heavenly Father, please help me to have a good day. Please help me to know what to do. Please help me to find someone to serve.” I had a good day, (Check!) I knew what to do, (Double check!), and I’m pretty sure I served someone who needed me. I’m just not exactly sure who that person was.

“Code Blue, CT. Code Blue, CT. Code Blue, CT.” paged loud overhead for all to hear. By the tone of the overhead page it was clear that this was not a drill.

I walked out of the break room and asked “Who’s the Team Lead today?”

“You are.”

“I am? Oh shit.” (Yes, I really did say this….sorry!)

I grabbed our heavy crash cart, stocked full of life saving supplies, and pushed it as fast as I could down the long corridor. The closer I got to the CT room, the more my heart started to pound. I was worried that my brain would screech to a halt and that I wouldn’t know what to do. So I paused. Well, at least my brain paused, as I rushed down the hallway.

“Heavenly Father, this is the real deal. I am in charge, and I need your help. Please help me to be calm. Please help me to know what to do.  Please help me to do my job. I’ve never done this before!”

Overwhelming peace and clarity instantly filled my body. My hands did not shake.
My brain did not falter.  I knew I was prepared, well, at least as prepared as one can ever be. I felt relaxed. Really relaxed.

It’s a hard thing, walking into a room, with a man laying on a table, his face so blue that it is nearly black. Doctors counting out the rhythm as they pound on his chest, “one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight...” It’s a hard thing to see the blood pooling in his mouth, blood pooling on his chest as doctors race to put in chest tubes, and watching the respiratory crew struggle to help him to breath with blood gushing out of his breathing tubes. And it’s a hard thing to know that through this all, even with two doctors and two anesthesia providers in the room, I am in charge.

I have never done this before.

My mind has been thinking about this scenario over and over, trying to make sense of things. It isn’t the blood that spattered the wall, the compressions that crushed his ribs, the “Everyone CLEAR! Shocking the patient in three, two, one!” that I had to call out, or the “Resume compressions!” that I’ve been mulling over.  It isn’t seeing the wife’s face as she calmly came in to touch her husband and say a brief prayer before his barely alive body was shipped to the ICU that I’ve been thinking about. Or her calm face as she thanked each one of us, almost individually, before walking away. It certainly hasn’t been the unusual way this code had to proceed due to the individual circumstances that lead to this man’s unfortunate day. And it hasn’t been the bloody footprints that we left in the room after everything had been cleaned, the final bit of evidence to our attempts at saving his life.

My mind can’t stop wondering about my reaction to it all. Why do I feel so calm?

Why am I not a basket case? I’ve been mulling it over in my mind, around and around, because I am worried that something is wrong with me. Shouldn’t I be devastated? Shouldn’t I cry, even a little? Shouldn’t I be a little bit traumatized? A wife just saw her husband’s unconscious body be taken to the ICU, know that this is probably it, as in the “It”, “The end”, or as I like to call it the “See you laters”.  Hollywood couldn’t have made the scene any more dramatic than it was.

Did he survive? Did he live?

That is the question that everyone asks. It wasn’t until becoming a nurse that I realized that “Did he survive?” and “Did he live?” have many layers and nuances. It’s like shades of a color. Is turquoise still blue? Yes, but not exactly.

So to answer the question, yes, he survived, at least at time of transport. His heart was beating. He was maintaining his blood pressure. He was even trying, in a small way, to breath on his own. His skin had even returned to a much more comfortable shade of pale pink. Was he alive? Yes. Is he alive?

I don’t know if he will ever leave the hospital. I don’t know if he will ever be able to hug his wife in this life. I don’t know if he will ever go home with his family. But I do know that he lives! No matter what happens to his body, his spirit is still alive.

And now as I write this, the tears suddenly fall.

Administration patted me on the back telling me “That was one of the best codes we have seen,” and were shocked when I told them that this was my first (I did see CPR one other time).  My other code team members said “Wow. You were so calm. You are an amazing team leader. You should run all of our codes.” and “You sounded and looked like you have run a hundred codes” when I confessed that this was my first.

Why was it that I was so calm? That I was able to very competently do my job, despite the horrific scene in front of me? A co-worker quietly asked me later that night, “Did you feel the help from the other side in the room with us? There were a lot of [heavenly] helpers in there.” It wasn’t until that moment that I realized the magnitude of help we had been given. I asked that morning to find someone to serve, not expecting to be the one served, but for that, I am feeling eternally grateful."

The moral of the story: No matter how hard life gets, keep perspective. Perspective will keep us breathing and facing our challenges with a miraculous sense of peace and calm.  I know it, my friend knows it and I hope that you can find it for you when you need it most.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Be sure to check out the biz side of "Let It Be & Celebrate" by visiting www.beyoudesignsut.co

And So It Goes....

My heart is full and my brain is a bit mushy, but I come to you today with musings that I didn't think would have to be real in 2016, but alas, here we are and we are talking and this is life......heavy sigh......

Recently, I read the book "The Year of Yes" by Shonda Rhimes.  It was an incredible book that I will add to my list of "must read each year" and will write a more thorough blog post about in the near future. It was eye-opening and heart-wrenching because I found myself relating to elements of this introverted, but insanely successful Hollywood female powerhouse that one might not expect of me at face value.  For you see, I am much more than meets the eye just like Ms. Rhimes.  I am twisted, imperfect, jaded and unsure of my place in life.  I am also a confident, out-spoken, beautiful soul who loves deeply and doesn't give a damn if people don't like me.  But, then again, I DO actually care if people don't like me.  I care a lot.

And so it goes....we come together and I am in a place of life that I thought I wouldn't have to experience this year. A place of unsure and unrest.  I joke that some of my best blog content has come during some of the scariest times of life and that is really not my cup of tea so what is up with it happening again?

There is so much that I could say that would fill you in on the specifics of my pain, but I keep it out of the public eye because it is not meant for sharing.  But, I will tell you this, life can shift in the blink of an eye without any warning.  Even when we think that we've had all we can bear and the clouds have finally parted, the universe can throw another bolt of lightening on our picnic and test our strength again. I am working through some sadness that I am all too familiar with, but there is a difference this time.  I know that there is a beginning and an end.  I know that there is a reason.  I know that my worth in the eyes of my family, my friends, my four loves and my God is not dependent on circumstances outside of my control.  

How many times have you sat on the floor of your bedroom, your bathroom or your kitchen and cried because someone made you feel like a total loser because you spoke your mind?  How many times have you felt like a total loser because you protected your integrity and it got you nothing but heartache and pain? I would be lying if I said that I was a self-professed "positive attitudes change everything" master.  I am SO not.  In fact, I suck at it when I get beat down over and over by the same scenario. I also know that if I let myself harbor anger and spite that I will spiral into a depressive state that is brutally ugly and nearly impossible to climb out of.  My faith is tested when I have to pull myself off the floor, wipe away my tears and look in the mirror and say, "Ray, you have roots that are deep and they are strong and you know it. Trust yourself, trust God and let this unfold."  Sometimes .... a LOT of the time....those words have to be reaffirmed by friends and family, but ultimately they have to come from ME before they will work miracles.

Last night I got on my knees and started a prayer with a statement along these lines, "I don't have any tears left, but I do have a bed, a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a car that runs, a closet FULL of cute clothes, a manic black cat who thinks I'm the best thing ever, four little humans who adore me and people who are praying for me every single day. What am I going to do this time?" I said the remainder of my prayer and I got up, dusted off my skinned knees, turned off my cell phone and crawled in my blessed bed.  When I woke up this morning and turned on my phone I was greeted with multiple messages full of love and encouragement.  God is in our details, my lovelies.  No matter our religion, no matter our state of existence, HE IS THERE.  He hears our prayers, He loves us and He puts people in our path to carry us when we can't carry ourselves.

I am convinced that my life flows with the soundtrack of the movie "Rudy" because I feel like the little person who WILL start in the game, but really just wants to punch cinder block walls and stuff, but then my teammates give up their jerseys and the moment of awesome happens for all to see.  I know that we can beat the odds when we least expect it. Nothing in our life happens without reason.  The final scene of the movie is one that I could watch over and over.  It melts my heart.  I weep like a baby every time I watch the movie and I legitimately go into panic mode because I don't know if he is going to play in the final game of his senior year at Notre Dame.  I KNOW THE ANSWER and I still freak out!  One of the things I love most is the scene in which Rudy himself is freaking out about what to do next after he's run his assigned play. Seconds left in the game and he doesn't know what to do. One of the coaches yells to him from the sideline, "stay in, stay in." He does that and you know the rest.....he makes college football history.  This is my life.  I am setting records and overcoming the odds in ways that I had no idea were possible for one lady.  But!  I know that my happy ending always includes a lot of cheering from the crowds and myself and that is what carries me through the challenging parts.  Please take a minute to watch the movie clip below and think about how it relates to your life.  Who is there cheering you on?  Who believes in you? Who loves and adores your imperfect self even when you think you've lost them?

The moral of the story: Staying in the game makes all the difference.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Oh, The Places.

Last week many elementary schools in the United States celebrated the birth of Dr. Seuss with a day dedicated to his books and beloved characters. Social media was overflowing with cute art projects, soldier dads reading to classrooms full of kids and lots of quotable quotes from the good man himself.  As I enjoyed the total cuteness of Dr. Suess kiddo fandom, I was reminded of a Dr. Seuss book that continues to influence me even as a grown-up.  The book is, "Oh, the Places You'll Go!"

Who doesn't love Dr. Seuss and his quirky characters and perspective on life?  I loved sharing my thoughts on the Grinch last Christmas.  However, this book definitely takes the front row seat of favorites for me.  "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" was published in 1990 and was Dr. Suess' last published work. It was a deeply introspective book that touched many the minute it hit the bookshelves. I was lucky enough to receive a copy of the book from a family friend when I graduated from high school. She had personalized the book with photos from my childhood and teen years to go along with the words. It meant a lot to me, but I really had NO CLUE what places I would really go, literally and figuratively.

Fast forward 15+ years and here I am at a crossroads of life. I wouldn't categorize it as a mid-life crisis because it is far from what I define as a crisis. If anything it is a time of rebirth, redefining and fine tuning. Added to this mix is the experiences my family is having as my youngest sister finishes up her college education and anxiously awaits to graduate from college.  She and I have always been very close and I am almost a second mom (but cooler and mouthier) so I've had some mamma bear sentimental moments with her. She's my kid sister, not this gorgeous grown-up woman. She and I have talked a lot about what is ahead of her and what her plans for the future include. She is MUCH wiser and more sound with her finances than I ever was or will be, but she still experiences a lot of fear of the future like any normal, yet crazy senior in college. She shared some sentiments on Facebook last night that I really loved and had to laugh about because I remember being in her shoes, except Facebook was still being created and the entire universe didn't know I felt this way. She said, "Whoa. It just hit me that I'm turning 22 this year. What the heck happened to, oh, I don't know, my WHOLE LIFE? Oh, the things I have seen and done. There is really nothing that special about turning 22. It's all like, "Congratulations for settling in to your twenties. Enjoy them while you can 'cause before you know it, you'll be turning 30!" Great. Thanks, Karma. I'll try to remember that." I quickly replied by saying, "Enjoy each moment. I spent a lot of my 20's hating life and wishing for something better."

I often think about what I would tell my 22 year old self.  It's basically what I am telling my almost 22 year old sister. There are a few other things that are deeply personal and not meant for the public eye, but I really do think about what I could have done better.  It took me a good 10 years to embrace my imperfections and cut out the noise of those around me telling me what they thought I should be or do. I rang in my 30's not caring one damn bit about what people thought I should be doing, but I was still an internal mess.  I was coming off of two years of crazy tough therapy as well as an awful job that took its toll emotionally and a relationship that nearly suffocated my soul. Every year of my 30's has been a HUGE year of growth and I can honestly say that last year could not have been survived without the years that lead up to it to prepare me for battle.  BUT, that still doesn't negate how excruciatingly hard it has been to recover and grow. But, life goes on and I feel so much happiness as I discover new places to visit and new adventures to start.  And it doesn't hurt that we have KILLER sunsets in the country.  How can I NOT thank God for the stunning view????

The following passage from Dr. Seuss' book really hit close to my heart because of the many adventures I've had in my 30's.  It says,

"Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And then things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too."

I love this so much! Things can happen and they WILL. I, along with the rest of humanity, dream of having a magic wand to change our circumstances, but that's impossible. Each of the places we go in our lives are with much purpose and intended for growth. Growth is best achieved when we are forced to dig our way out of the dark and find the sunshine again.  Each of the places I've been in my life have brought incredible friends to my circle and critical lessons. Last night at dinner I laughed with my bestie and her husband and mused that if she'd had a perfect marriage with her first husband then she wouldn't know me. Her shit storm became my sunshine and 12 years later we still continue to reminisce on those crazy early days of our friendship and what we've weathered together.

As things start to happen for me here in my new home, I am filled with a TON of peace and happiness that I survived last year, both emotionally and financially, and that I was brave enough to take a chance on a place that is not what I expected it to be. I'm excited to discover new places here in Idaho that I've never been to before.  The next couple of weeks include a lot of travel for work and I'm stoked to see new places, try new restaurants and bask in the beauty of nature.  I'm also excited to plan some vacations that have been dreams for YEARS and treat myself to places that I've always held back for the "what if" scenarios of my life. The time is now for Miss Ray to ENJOY her life and show some self love and care.  That is truly the best place for me to be.  Too many years have been about others first and me second.  I can't do it anymore and that's OK. So off to paradise I will go.....fa reals.

The moral of the story: even the brainy people have to use their footsies to make shit happen.  Find your happy place and GET THERE already!

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Life's Meaning.

Not long ago I was talking about riding on the terror-inducing roller coaster at Lagoon and how I looked my fears in the face and with my best friend by my side, said 'why the hell not?' and took my first (and maybe last) ride.

Well, my life's meaning and its SUPER chain of events, twists and turns continues, but I am happy to report that I CAN see my silver linings -- plural. Why you ask?  A boatload of faith, prayer and a heightened understanding of finding meaning in life because I read the book "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor E. Frankl.

I was raised in a very devout Mormon family, but I was blessed to be exposed to a number of different religions and their beliefs and lifestyles.  I've always been fascinated by the intense devotion that is shown by Catholics, Jews and Muslims, to name a few.  For me, I always thought my religion had a lot to embrace and keep track of to be a "good Mormon" but I was and continue to be inspired by my friends who are devout to their beliefs. Judaism, in particular, is a religion that has always peeked my interest.  Maybe it's because of "Fiddler on The Roof" or Ross Gellar singing "Dreidel, Dreidel" in an aardvark costume, but it's probably because of my extensive research of the second World War and the persecution towards the Jewish people. When my lovely friend Amanda recommended this book I was going through a royal shit storm of all shit storms.  She shared with me that this book was written by a Jewish psychiatrist who survived living in the Nazi concentration camps and wrote this book to share his theories on coping and survival under the bleakest of circumstances.  At the time I tried to read it and the raw, tragic details and realities of the concentration camps was just too much.  However, I was not in the right place and when I was faced with the last curve ball of my life, I picked the book up and hardly put it down. I could write a LOT about the wonderful gems that caught my eye, but I will only cover a few to wet your whistle. I told Amanda that this book was like a good solid therapy session for me.

When I was reading this book I had to have a pen handy so I could underline all the things I wanted to remember.  I rarely share my books with another person because I don't want their mind to be drawn away from what it's supposed to glean from the words because the reader is looking at my notes.  Above is a quote that is truly profound.  Transforming our personal tragedies into triumphs.  What does that even mean?  Where on earth can we find the triumph in losing a job unexpectedly, a spouse losing the brave, warrior fight with cancer, or a child going to heaven before it could come home from the hospital with his mom and dad? How?  Well, that's where the miracle comes into play.  What I have found for me is a chat with myself (and then God, in prayer) that goes something like this, "I am so not thrilled with how this has turned out, however, I know that there is a reason.  Even though I can't see the reason this very second because I'm a sniveling, crying mess, I'm still going to tell myself that it was with reason."  Dr. Frankl talks about this a lot in his book...hence the title....and he often referenced people he knew in concentration camps who could bear gruesome conditions and brutality none of us can imagine because their lot in life was to find triumph in the tragedy.  I can't even imagine.  To say I was humbled by the stories he told would be an understatement.

Life really is a time for us to take control and work it out.  I hate to say it, but sometimes we just have to put on our tough kid cape and deal like a super hero. Many times dealing means having a brutal, yet loving reality check with ourselves (and God, in my case) and then using our brains to decipher the emotions from the solutions and then move forward.  As much as I would LOVE to lay in my bed with the covers over my head, I know that can only last so long before I go way cray and say to myself, "ok, Raylynn, you need to adult.  Like for reals, not the fake kind."  No matter our religious background or belief in a certain God, we all have a soul and a spirit inside of us that speaks to our heart and gives us the direction we need to live life to its fullest.  Dr. Frankl talked about prisoners who would get very creative with what little they had to cope and survive. He talked about the brain's ability to survive WAY more than we think it can because we have an innate sense of survival as human beings.  Absolutely beautiful, if you ask me and I've experienced it more times than I care to admit.

The will to live. For many it is difficult.  For many it is impossible.  It is tragic when someone is in a situation with the perception that their life is worthless.  What can we do to find the will when life is dark and sad and hopeless?  What did the concentration camp prisoners do?  They hid photos of their kids and spouses in their clothes, but most times they played mental videos of their perfect life at home.  It broke my heart to read the accounts of men (he only referenced men because they were segregated in the camps) who would talk about their beautiful wives and children and their homes and warm beds almost constantly.  Even in their delusional, malnourished state, they could almost always remember bits and pieces of the life they had before they were imprisoned.  He gave some staggering statistics about the survival rates of men who kept their brain and heart moving by remembering the "good old times" vs. the men who gave up and had a bad attitude and no hope for survival.  Our ultimate goal in life is to have the why so we can survive the how.  Why do you live?  Who do you live for?  The first thing that popped in my mind were the four little humans who call me aunt.  They are my sunshine and I am forever grateful that God has blessed me to be a part of their lives.  I live for them.  I absolutely do.  I also live for my future children who deserve to have a mother who was tough as nails in crappy, hard times and didn't give up.

As I said before, I wish I could share every single note and thought I had while I read this book, but then you wouldn't have a reason to read it and that is not OK.  If I haven't convinced you to read this amazing little book yet, I hope this last thought will.  The perfect race.  Ugh.  It breaks my heart over and over when I think about the underlying cause for the concentration camps and why Hitler's reign was one of the most tragic events in history.  In his mind, he had somehow deduced that there was only one perfect race and that Jews were not included.  How's that for a holocaust definition in one sentence?  Dr. Frankl shared his theory on race by dividing it in to two: decent and indecent. In a very real sense he saw this day after day in the concentration camps. There were extremely indecent Nazi soldiers who did inhumane things to the prisoners, but there were also those who were still human with hearts and took risks to help those prisoners they were keen on. Additionally, there were decent and indecent Jews living in the camps. Those who held the hand of their fellow prisoner when he was dying of a contagious fever so he didn't feel alone when he passed away. We are constantly bombarded with labels. I'm a better person because I have this or I attend this church or I have this skin color or I have this sexual preference.  Stop that. Stop it now. Are you a decent human being or aren't you?  That's the real question and we should all be able to give the answer for ourselves.

I am a better person for reading this book about the meaning of life and how those who had it far worse than I ever will found a way to embrace their triumph in the midst of tragedy.  I say it over and over that we can do hard things but it is TRUE! Put those reminders on the bathroom mirror that life will turn out for the better and that God has a plan and say them out loud to yourself every single time you see them.

The moral of the story: Figure out your why so that you can survive the how. Have a prayer in your heart that the peace will reside inside while the chaos continues outside.  Keep the faith.  Don't give up.

Until next time, my lovelies.
-R

My Reality.

Happy Friday, my lovelies!  What a week!  I finished Amy Purdy's book "On My Own Two Feet" and it was incredibly well-written and inspiring.  I couldn't put it down.  I am not a reader.  I get frustrated with not being able to see the book in my cave-dark bedroom (old lady eyes), but I have read more since I got my iPad mini because it has a back light...it's the simple joys of technology.  This book though, I purchased in "real book" form because I knew I would want to highlight and mark pages and I was right.  As I was reading the final few chapters and especially the epilogue I was moved to share some things with all of you that I haven't shared in depth up to this point.

 

The quote above was from one of the final chapters. After reading Amy's story of losing her legs, having a kidney transplant, learning to walk again, learning to dance again, opening a successful non-profit, and most of all learning to snowboard as a double amputee and later competing in the Paraolympics, I was floored when she said this quote.  I am not a snowboarder and part of the reason is I am scared as hell of those big fat rocks that are secretly hiding under the glistening powder that cause people to go flying, bust up their helmet and have traumatic brain injury.  But then I read this quote and it donned on me...uh, hello, Raylynn, you have your own set of hidden death boulders and it's called depression.  Oh snap.  I just said the D word.  Now that I've said, we must speak of it. 

 

Over the years I have had some c-razy bouts with depression.  It started when I was 19 and I was prescribed birth control for ovarian cysts.  My doctor assumed that I would be like any other woman and my body would just adjust like normal and I would be fine.  What happened was one of THE most terrifying and hopeless times of my life.  I kid you not.  I laid awake at night staring at the ceiling wondering if I was going to make it another day, praying I would fall asleep and it would be gone and then as soon as the sun came up all I wanted to do was crawl under my covers and sleep.  I would dry heave in the morning when I tried to brush my teeth and I had no appetite.  I lost 50 pounds in 6 months.  It was almost like I was pregnant.  HORRIBLE.  Depression is the biggest freaking paradox around.  When you absolutely want to cut yourself off from civilization is when you absolutely NEED to be in civilization and around people who love you.  It is the most painful awful realization because that is the ONLY way you can kick yourself out of it.  And even when you do force yourself out of bed to interact with other warm bodies, it doesn't automatically mean it's going to go away.  It takes time and effort and prayer and many times medication. 

 

One of the main things I learned from that first terrifying rounds of depression were my triggers.  It would still take me about 10 years to really get it down, but little by little I learned what set me off.  At the top of that list is sleep.  As soon as the sleep deprivation happens I can almost guarantee that I will slip into a funk.  It's like clock work and it scares me.  I am almost a habitual napper just so that it doesn't happen.  True story.  I also have learned that I need regroup time.  When a crazy day has happened or something catastrophic has happened in my life or those around me I need quiet time.  I need time in my bed (or the bath tub) in the peace and quiet to cry it out, think it through, nap it off and THEN we can move forward and have a plan. 

 

The second really bad round was when I lived in Salt Lake and made the decision to go to therapy.  I wrote about that experience in one of my first blog posts.  You can find that here.  That round I was more prepared because I knew my triggers but that didn't stop it from happening.  I was in a really terrible job and was stripping myself of some emotional baggage and it took its toll.  At this point I decided that I needed to get my ass to the gym and work it off and that's exactly what I did.  But!  Here's the deal, THAT still didn't' help on some days.  I remember a few too many days that I would be at the gym for 3 hours of grueling tough classes and I would still walk out the door crying because the stress was so high.  Thank God for those few good people who knew what was really going on and loved me through it. 

 

The third round is the gift that keeps on giving and that is seasonal blues.  I HATE winter.  I hate being cold and I hate the days being short.  I know....I should learn to ski, I should learn to snowboard, blah blah blah, but honestly, I don't want to at this point in my life.  I'm getting closer, but it's a huge expense to just pick up a snow sport.  Winters in Utah are really challenging because we experience inversion.  Dark, smoggy gross days.  It was worse when I lived in Salt Lake, but for whatever reason we've had some bad days here in the 'hood this week.  On Sunday I knew that there would not be a single minute of sunshine so I just hid in my bed for most of the day.  Then Monday rolled around and the same realization hit me as I headed out the door.  Heart sank and I tried not to cry.  To harbor the inevitable I came home every day and made dinner and crawled in bed to read my book.  So I finished in a much quicker time frame than normal.  Thanks to picking up my journaling again and escaping through a new book I am feeling pretty good today. 

 

If I can make any point with this post it is this:  you (yes you, not the person behind you) have NO idea who is struggling with mental health boulders.  The other completely SHITTY thing about depression is the lack of physical side effects.  I am an expert at "fake it to make it" but honestly I really wish that people would believe me when I tell them, "I am dying inside and I can't make it go away" and the reality that it may be that way one day and not the next.  If the sun is out, especially in the winter, I am probably having a pretty damn good day.  If it's no sunny, I'm probably not doing that great.  I am so very grateful for the people who I have been blessed with in my life who have brought consistency and support as I have rode the roller coaster of life.  I am also grateful for my trusty trick of napping it out and then facing the issue.  It helps SO much. 

 

The moral of the story:  We don't get to pick what hides under the powder of life, but we can prepare ourselves by making damn sure that our equipment works the way its supposed to and we are ready to ride the bunny hill if need be. 

 

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R

 

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Shit storms happen. Your sunshine will come.

One of the agricultural phenomenon that I have never understood is the practice of using animal feces, specifically the cow kind, as fertilizer.  Science has never been my strong suit so this isn't a lesson in the mechanics of this practice as a good thing. However, it IS an opportunity to share with you what I have learned in the thick of some of the shit storms of life.

Over the years I have had some days of fog and sadness. We all have! But it isn't until I'm in the land of sunshine again that I realize how incredibly blessed I am during the fog. Here are a few practices that helped me wade through it all.

1. Service. No matter how bad it EVER EVER EVER gets there is always someone who has it worse than us. If you don't believe me, call your local funeral parlor or the homeless shelter. During this last fog of mine I really jumped into service as a healing method. And the beauty of it is now I am on the Board for this organization and it continues to enrich my life. 

2. Journalling. This is a survival tactic I learned to love during therapy and ever since then my brain goes into organization mode as soon as pen hits paper and the healing transpires.  Most recently I have added art time to my journalling and I create word art of inspirational sayings that come to mind as I am writing. Art therapy at its finest. 

3. Inspirational reading material. Whether you're religious or not, finding reading material to inspire and lift you (scripture or otherwise) is critical. My favorite read is "The Art of Happiness" by The Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler, MD.  It is deep, but it is amazing.  The best way to describe it is a compilation of western medicine and eastern religion and how we can learn from both. It was life changing for me, especially working through mourning. 

4. Kid time. I am very blessed to have little people (aka cousins) that live close to me and love coming to play at my house and I theirs.  Many an impromptu trip to see these cute people to play trucks and blocks and watch movies and be showered with kisses and hugs.  

5. Music. In November I plan on doing an entire blog about this so I won't give away too much. But, I will say this.... My go-to bad day music may not be what you expect! But it does exist and it is glorious. My current vehicle has a great sound system so I've spent a lot of time driving and singing like a diva. 

Obviously this is a small snapshot of very difficult times of life.  The most difficult task when we are in the fog is trusting that what's in front of us is going to be a good thing and that when we are close enough to something good we will be able to see it.  And just like actual fog, some is thicker than others and even headlights don't help us get through and we have to take it slow until it eventually lifts.  As the days get shorter and the air is cooler I have a looming nervousness in the back of my mind because I know the struggle that the winter months bring for me. But, the more coping strategies I add to my life, the better I become.  And let me be clear that it doesn't make it go away completely. But, it does help me see past the shit feeling and get to work.  And the sunshine ALWAYS comes out after the storm. It has to! That's the way God created it. 

The moral of the story: there ARE silver linings in every storm, even if that storm smells a little icky. 

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R