Let's Talk Mental Health.

2016 came to a miraculous and tornado-esque end as I found my life path completely shifted and the Knox and I were on our way back to Big Sky Country and my hometown in Eastern Montana to accept a position doing what I love and live for; nonprofit and development work.  To say the situation was miraculous is an understatement.  It has not been carefree and rainbows adjusting to a life sans Target, a multi-screen movie theater or winters with temps above -20.  It's been crazy challenging at times, but it's also been unbelievably happy and rewarding.  In the midst of it all, I've promised myself to look for my purpose in the Wild West and attempt to stay positive. Over and over and over and over I've seen a theme come through that I didn't expect, but I'm completely ok with it because it's time.  It's time to be the voice that I wish I had when I was a teen and young adult living in this community.  That voice is one of mental health advocacy.

Before we get to the staggering statistics that Montana brings to the table in mental health issues, I want to share a story with you.  The other night I had dinner with my friend and she shared an experience with me about her child being severely bullied while sitting in class and how hard it was to concentrate on the teacher because they were trying so hard not to cry on the outside while crying on the inside.  I haven't forgot this description of their emotions and I've thought about it on so many levels.  For those of you who are regular readers of my blog, you know my story.  You know how hard I've fought to counter depression and overcome some really tough relationships in my life in order to live an actual, normal (ish) life.  This young person's description of their feelings is how I have felt so many times when I had people standing in front of me who didn't believe that my insides were full of barb and sadness that I couldn't make go away. I am truly touched that she was comfortable sharing something so intimate because those are the moments that a mom wishes she never had to have. Her child is an incredible human, but different.  They're not like the other kids.  Suddenly this kiddo's differences make them the enemy and that is ridiculous.  Kids who are different; adults who are different; they become statistics because they feel absolutely no hope and love from those around them and thus take matters in to their own hands or mask their issues with addiction in all its forms.

And so I come to the point tonight.  My 2017 personal mantra is quickly becoming mental health advocacy.  Some of you might say....uh, hello, Raylynn....that's already your mantra.  You are correct, but it has become something that I have to REALLY advocate and speak the hell up because I am surrounded by a LOT of people who are either too scared of what people will think to get help or just plain don't give a shit and will drink their sorrows away or whatever numbs their reality.  

In an article written by the Bismarck Tribune, they shared the following statistics about suicide in Montana, "According to the 2015 Youth Risk Behavior Study, nearly 9 percent of Montana high school students attempted suicide in the 12 months before taking the survey.  Even more concerning, the survey data indicates that students who attempted suicide have many other life problems, such as bullying, drinking and drug abuse.  Although youth suicide gets more attention, the highest rate of suicide in Montana is actually for adults age 45-64.  In 2014, Montana recorded 251 suicides, and a rate of 24.5 per 100,000 population.  That was nearly double the national average of 13.4.  The 2015 statistics are worse: 267 suicides."  The article also stated that health care facilities are being bombarded by suicidal patients and it's causing the need for additional training.  Ya think?

So here's my voice, people.  What are we doing to change this?  Who cares? I'll tell you who.  The mom who has to tell her son that she doesn't have all the answers as to why his dad took his own life. The principal who just attended yet another funeral for a student who gave up after getting a C- instead of an A in Calculus.  The shift supervisor who had to tell his entire team that their coworker was found dead due to an intentional drug overdose.  Those people care because it has directly affected them.  But what about those of you who deem yourself lucky because you live in a bubble and these issues don't exist in your world?  Guess what?  They exist.  They are real and they need to be addressed.

The bottom line of mental health issues is the inability to cope.  If we would actually address the root of the issue and reason for not being able to cope, we would get so much further.  Take a minute and think about it.  Today, I couldn't deal with the stress of my job so I did this..... or today I had a really brutal fight with my spouse so I did this..... Today I totally failed as a parent and human being and now I just want to do this .... and give up..... Today my spouse told me he was cheating on me so I did this.......Today I told my brother I never wanted to speak to him again because he stole money from my business and now I want to do this........... All of these scenarios can and will happen.  But, we can actually face the root.  We really can.

For me, a lot of my depression over the years has stemmed from genetic markers that I can't change, as well as low Vitamin D thanks to being a redhead and living the sunscreen life for the majority of my existence.  However, there are some factors that definitely make it way worse if I let it.  I'm my toughest critic and I let myself be a terribly mean judge if I don't nip it.  Before I know it, I've shamed myself and it's a slippery slope towards sadness and self-pity.  The tools I have to help me work through this weakness did not come without a price.  I spent some really quality, yet challenging, time in organized therapy while living in Utah and my coping skills were directly impacted by the tips I learned from Jennifer.  I can't sing enough praise for organized therapy.  It saved me.  I was such a hopped up, angry mess and Jennifer helped me love again and have the ability to cope.

The reality of mental health issues on a grand scale as I described above is this: we have to break the cycle by making changes ourselves and then leading the way for the younger generation.  How can they learn how to face life's challenges if the adults around them face it with numbing activities and addictions?  If you are a parent or adult who needs help; GET IT.  Quit caring about what the neighbors might think and just get the damn therapy.  You will feel better.  You will walk in there thinking you're addressing one issue and quickly find that it will spread to all aspects of your life.  Priceless.  Absolutely priceless.

I'm nervous excited to share more of my story in this community  It took me 15 years to finally come to terms with my imperfection.  I'm not afraid to talk about it, but I also know that it tends to trigger my sadness that this is my reality.  A vicious cycle, but I have figured out a way to share just enough to make an impact, but not trip myself up.  Please have the bravery to get help.  For those of you who are reading this and we are neighbors or coworkers, please don't hesitate to ask me questions.  Email me: raylynn@beyoudesignsut.co.  I will share what I can share to help you feel empowered to change.  For those of you who aren't right here and still need the encouragement, email me!  If you're in Utah, I know a lady and she will change your world.  Together we can achieve more and I will do what I can.  I won't be your security blanket, but I can sure tell you where to purchase one.

The moral of the story: take care of your heart and your brain; they're all you've got.  Love the one you're with.  Like for reals.  

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

lemons to lemonade.

Once upon a time I made the leap of faith to leave a career that was sucking the life out of me. Little did I know that the next two years would be the BIGGEST lemons to lemonade object lesson of my life.  Wait, what?  I thought having straight-up clinical depression at 19 was that event in my life?  Or maybe fearing kitchen knives and necklaces because my anxiety was so high while in therapy?  Nope.  This.  Leaving a career and everything that followed has literally changed me, but for the better.  So, let's talk about that and how I've managed to turn my bushel of lemons to a grand pitcher of tasty lemonade.

If we are being totally raw and real, I will confess that there was absolutely NO other option, but to leave my previous career.  It was pretty much awful towards the end.  I was working for a person who was dishonest and didn't respect women. Plus, there were a lot of politics that didn't bode well for me.  I was miserable and stressed out of my mind.  I was presented with an opportunity to do what I loved so I took the risk and did it while taking a pay cut and all that went with leaving 11 years in a single industry.  It put me in the path of some of the best business people I've ever worked with, but also some on the other side of the spectrum.  Lemons to lemonade meant focusing on the people I loved working with and trying to tune out the others.  Not easy.  Believe me.  I opened up a part of my heart and soul that was passionate about doing the best possible thing with what I was given and I did just that.  I taught myself how to do things "the hard way" and succeed.  What I didn't know was this path was leading me in a direction of far bigger and much harder things.

One of the biggest challenges in life is to see the sunshine in our storm.  It's even harder when you already have a tendency for depression.  My mental health struggles started out because of female-plumbing-gone-haywire mixed with pressure on the homefront, but as I've aged and learned how to deal with that part, I've gotten better at managing it.  When my depression LOVES to show up to the party is in stressful situations or seasonal times of the year when the days are shorter and colder. Those are my triggers.  So, when I was suddenly presented with situations due to "doing what would make me happier" that were ultra shitty, the big D waltzed his way in too.  Yes, he is male.  No, I'm not being a feminist man-hater bitch.  Just roll with it.  Overbearing depression and anxiety are the party crashers that no one wants to ever see, but they still manage to show up.  But we have to face them and treat them with kindness because that's what ultimately sends them away.  Let them eat some appetizers, have a couple drinks and then they will go away.  And suddenly I've made depression sound like a bad wedding reception.

I have learned that the BEST way to make lemons to lemonade is to really take the advice "mind over matter" to heart.  Vision boards are not all smoke and mirrors, my lovelies.  When we visualize the other side of the trial we can get through the here and now so much better.  Having the vision doesn't mean that it's going to just poof itself away, but it means that we have our eye on the positive and can focus on it for as long as we need to.  It still means we will have "ugly cry" days and "step-away-from-the-chocolate-and-Diet-Coke-before-I-kill-you" days, but we get through them.

This past weekend I went to a business conference that my friends put together.  It was seriously one of the best experiences for me, both personally and professionally.  When it was done, I was on cloud nine for a long list of reasons.  I felt empowered, loved and appreciated. It was my lemonade for the last 2 years of utter hell of leaving a stable, yet shitty career, and becoming who I am meant to be.  However, I could not have been sitting in that room enjoying that surreal moment unless I had been in my previous career.  My knowledge, experiences and connections put me in that path.  150%.  In fact, my dear friend who was one of the event organizers was one of the best business risks I took in my previous career path.  She and I met sight-unseen after emailing each other on LinkedIn.  We still call each other the best blind business date we've ever been on.  I adore her and she has put me in the path of so many incredible people who have brought opporutnity and happiness to my life.  Lemons to lemonade.  Completely.  One of the speakers at the event was Olympic bronze medalist, Allison Baver.  Allison was in a horrific speedskating accident before the Vancouver Winter Olympics and her will to heal led her back to full health and she went on to win a bronze medal.  She shared the following quote with us and it really resonated with me.

Our mind can change the course of life, good or bad.  How are we choosing to treat it and how are we choosing to interpret life and its challenges?  For every trial, there are five things we can be grateful for sitting right in front of our face.  Each and every time we recognize the blessings we are keeping our brain on course to determine our outcome for the better. I can't begin to tell you the number of nights I have prayed with gratitude for my bed, the safety of my home, a warm bath, grilled cheese sandwiches and that the day was over.  5 things to be grateful for to every crappy thing.  Try it!  It works wonders!

One of the best cards I received last year was from my dear friend Mel.  It went something like this, "well lemons to lemonade, even if it's a 6 pack of hard lemonade."  At that point I probably could have drank a few hard lemonades, but I didn't, and I pulled myself up and got through the challenge that warranted her card.

I have resolved to further continue my quest for lemons to lemonade in some ways that are SO exciting yet SO terrifying because they expose more vulnerability and make my stomach jump.  But, I'm going to do it and I'm going to succeed just like I already have.

The moral of the story: When life hands you lemons, break out the juicer, throw in some extra suga (or maybe vodka) and have a party in spite of the storm!  You can totally do it!

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Be sure to check out the biz side of "Let It Be & Celebrate" by visiting www.beyoudesignsut.co

But, What If I Fail?

This week we've had nearly perfect weather here at Chez Ray Country. It's been cool and clear at night and mid 80s with a breeze during the day. I've been trying to eat lunch at the park more so I can enjoy fresh air before it's too cold. Today I was particularly aware of the moms and kiddos joining together for play dates at the playground across the way. I found myself thinking, "oh how I wish that was my life." That's an every day occurance for me and it's ok. But then in the next sentence I thought, "I'll bet one or all of those women wish they were still working outside of the home and could catch a nap on their lunch break or go to the bathroom in silence, but instead sit in an infinite pile of laundry and empty packages of scooby snacks."

And that's what got me thinking. How are we doing in the here and now?  Are we living in the moment or are we worrying ourselves sick that we will fail and mess up our "life plan?"  In my last blog post, I talked about tuning out the static of our lives. I talked about the ability to face your life full-on and say, "I don't care what anyone says or what the voices in my head say, I am doing this." The flip side to this thought process is the ever-present demon voice in our head that says, "but, what if I fail?" I have a few things to say about that.  Let's begin some raw musings avec Ray.

The majority of my readers are women, sprinkled with a few brave men. I am humbled by the stories that have been shared with me as I share my story about my journey of empowerment and mental health awareness.  There are stories far worse than mine and people who have lived through some pretty scary shit in their life and come out of it better and braver.  But getting through these events doesn't mean the scars just magically disappear.  In fact, it's quite the opposite.  The biggest side effect that I have observed and lived is the fear of failing.

One of my most popular blog posts is "In My Life." I share my thoughts about the great hit by The Beatles, "In My Life" and how it related to my closing thoughts after organized therapy.  I didn't share all my thoughts in that post, but there was definitely more.....lots more that I think about regularly. One of the questions and subsequent answer that I still think about is this, "Question number 2....how do you not let yourself get trapped in the "What if's" of life.  Oh my hell....if anyone has that answer ring me right up.  The word IF should burn in hell.  It is not fair that we've been taught to use the word "if."  What if I don't get married...what if I don't have babies?  Uh ya, still can't live with those answers.  I may never know if I can do it.  But all I know is I can still get up in the morning, plan my day, be amazing, and let it all pan out.  And when the evil word "if" creeps its way in...I recognize it...recognize my pain...but quickly move it right out.  That's the only way to do it."

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As I read that paragraph for this blog post, I suddenly had a flood of memories from the last 5 years since I wrote that statement.  I remember feeling a huge pit in my stomach about the idea of taking risks and facing life's challenges without the security blanket of a therapist.  Since then, I've been knocked down 3 times in my career in a year's time, lost a close family member to death, said good bye forever to someone I thought I loved, gave up on God's timing, gave a second chance to God's timing, fell in love with nature, started a business, embraced aunthood in all aspects of my life, bought my first bikini top (don't tell my mother) and quit checking my bank account every hour of every day for fear of not having enough. My hardest days are those when I let the demon named IF creep in to my brain.  Anxiety is a HUGE element of depression and for many of us it comes and goes in waves, depending on the life events at the time.  For me, I have found much solace in meditation and the art of being still and turning off my brain in an effort to calm the hell down.  That is NOT easy at times, but I'm getting better at it.  The other day I was talking to my best friend about this process.  It didn't magically happen on its own.  There have been LOTS of nights where I could only turn my brain off for a few minutes and then I had to do something else. I call that gypsy flight mode. Lately, I have had the ability to shut off the noise and actually relax.  You can do it too.

For some of you, this may require medication to even out your chemical balance.  GET ON IT.  Do not be afraid to medicate!  Why in the hell would you continue to willingly let yourself be miserable?  Turn off YOUR static, that medication is bad, and give yourself the gift of mental reprive.  Remember, medication, just like therapy, does not cure you.  It merely gives you a buffer so you can freaking cope when you just want to go postal.

When it comes right down to it, our fear of failing has to do with relationships.  Relationships with those around us and with ourself.  Our fear of failure stems from unrealistic expectations that we set for ourselves and those that we perceive are set by others.  If we will cut the superficial and dig deep as the Dalai Lama suggests in his book, "The Art of Happiness," we will find peace and less anxiety.  If you don't have a copy of this book, stop what you're doing and BUY IT.  It is $2.56 on Amazon Marketplace for the paperback copy (yes, I checked) and it is a must-read.  Being still, having less fear and more faith comes by grounding ourselves and trusting our power to live.  The Dalai Lama gives such eloquent wisdom in this book and I always reccommnd it to friends who are having a tough time in life.

For all the crappy that has occured in my life, the peacful and content that has followed it is irreplacable.  When I look at the sweet faces of my four Colorado loves on FaceTime and melt all over again, I remember that I have a reason to live.  I have LOTS of reasons to live and I have even more reasons to continue my life and not fear failure and so do you.

The moral of the story: Failure is not failure unless we say so.  We can either fall down and give up or we can learn from it.  That's it!  Give yourself a chance to be amazing and it will happen.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Be sure to check out the biz side of "Let It Be & Celebrate" by visiting www.beyoudesignsut.co

Be Inspired.

Hello, my lovelies!  I've been a busy bee building my business, working a new full-time job and rolling with the tide of life.  I've been working on designs for clients, but also for my Facebook page too.  I thought I would share those with all of you so you can pin & share & be inspired.  I will also include some previous blog posts that I'm reminded of with each other these quotes.  This first one is from the ever amazing and sassy, Lucille Ball.  Check out this blog post about falling in love with a redhead.

At times it seems like we should just give up, but that is NOT the answer. Ever.  Keep moving forward, keep trying to cope!  Read this post about coping.

This is such a great quote and reminds me of the post I wrote about flying our geek flag and being happy even when we are COMPLETE nerds.  This post is also a book review of one of my favorites written by an author from Utah.  Come fly your geek flag here!

In all the transition and craziness that is my life, I am SO beyond grateful for my tribe of girlfriends who support me and cheer me on during the not-so-ducky days.  In this post I talk about our friends being the sunshine in our life!

Be your own kind of beautiful.  A woman's heart is where her true beauty resides.  Read this great post about the power of being a strong woman as well as a book review of The Boston Girl by Anita Diamant.  

Audrey Hepburn is a great inspiration for me and I especially loved this quote.  Living a "normal" life doesn't actually exist and depending on the day, it can be quite challenging.  In one of my most popular blog posts, I share my thoughts about the loving and living that has happened in my life and how I keep growing.

Last, but certainly not least, is this gem from Harriet Tubman.  As women we are sometimes discouraged to dream big and chase after our dreams.  I know that we can do it and I am living that in my life so many ways.  In this blog post (my most recent post), I talk about ignoring the static and listening to the voices that matter most.

I hope that we can all focus on the what matters most and find inspiration in the words of others.  Please feel free to pin, share, email, print, tape to your bathroom mirror, whatever!

The moral of the story: We can find great inspiration in other's words as well as inspire others to have courage and keep fighting their fight.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Static: Tune It Out.

Time has a way of flying by at warp speed and I don't realize how fast my spaceship of crazy is actually going until I look at a calendar and let it all sink in.  To say life has been hectic since last we met, is an understatement.  I am a broken record.  Much of my blog in the last 18 months coincided with some really challenging times as a grown-up.  Adulting sucks at times and finding reasons to love and appreciate trials is basically the hardest thing you can have handed to you.  And the longer those trials drag on, the harder it gets.  But, I've learned a few new coping skills that I want to share with all of you so that maybe one of you, maybe more, will take comfort in my crazy and know that there is sunshine on the other side of that shit storm you feel like is NEVER GOING TO END.  

Small Blessings Are Huge Answers to Prayers: I am so grateful to know that I can pray to a God who I know is aware of me and loves me, in spite of my long list of imperfections.  Even when I'm making choices that some might raise their eyebrows at, He is always right there by my side, quietly guiding my footsteps towards my destiny. When I chose to uproot my life in Utah, I knew that the transition was going to be hard.  But, that was when I had it all mapped out and everything was planned in a perfect little way and I could handle THAT.  Well, then my plot had a big fat twist in it and everything went exactly the opposite of what I thought I wanted.  Little did I know that this breaking of my perfect pieces meant that I could be put back together and healed.  I beat myself up over finally being honest with someone who I thought I loved and they did nothing.  Their silence, their utter weakness, felt like it was my fault.  It was not.  It is not.  He's an idiot.  I'm better off.  The end.  The letting go was a small blessing, but a huge answer to a tough prayer to utter.  I purged my hate disguised as love and moved forward.

Turn off the Static: Growing up in Southeastern Montana meant a lot of time on the road with no radio stations.  This was the era of cassette tapes aka no smart phones or bluetooth, so it could get a little interesting if you had a long distance to drive and only so many tapes.  It was rare that I would just allow myself to drive in silence because I was always afraid I would fall asleep at the wheel because of the boredom of quiet.  Fast-forwarding to present day and I still find myself hitting patches of road here in Idaho where there are no radio stations; just static.  Even though I have my trusty iPhone with Pandora and iTunes, they only work if I have cell service which is still spotty.  Because of this fact, I now allow myself to drive in silence at times.  I allow the static to be silenced.  Our lives are like that too.  Many times we want to have the noise all the time.  Noise means our brain is focused on something else.  Noise means we don't have to cope.  Noise means masking reality.  But, if we will turn off the static in our lives and let our heart and mind drink in the peace of quiet, we will discover parts of our soul that hasn't seen the light of day in a VERY long time.  Parts of our soul that need way more nurturing than we give credit.  I found a lost part of my soul when I turned off the noise and centered back to my heart and what it really needed and it was a remarkable breakthrough for me.

Look to the Light of Family & Friends: At one point this year there were three people in my immediate family without work; I was one of them.  If you've never experienced the stress of unemployment I pray you don't have to experience it EVER.  It's rough.  It's just not pleasant.  However, it has taught me to turn to the light that is family and friends.  The list of blessings is vast, but I could not have survived without countless FaceTime calls with my Colorado loves, the GIANT warm chocolate chip cookie that showed up on my doorstep one day, the encouraging words nearly every day, and the opportunity to cry when I needed to cry.  That run-on sentence can't be broken because it truly symbolizes that I kept moving.  I kept holding on when I wanted to break up with my crappy life.  But, I didn't. I kept going.  My version of moving forward soon became known as "Ray the Neigborhood Nanny." A smidge of magical Mary Poppins, a smidge of sassy swearing sailor, a bit of old-fashioned school marm and an enabler of soda fountain mixed drinks addictions. It was the SWEET life and I felt loved and needed and that was the glue putting my pieces back together.  Plus now my besties kids LOVE me.  More than they already did.  It's awesome.  I conned my niece with the promise of Starbucks tonight!  Muwhahahahahahaha, Neighborhood Nanny is also a bit of a villain.  That's the redheaded older sister in me.

Tell Yourself, "It Will Be Ok." and Believe It: I have a sister who hates quotes on signs or the wall.  It's super trendy these days, especially in Utah, and she is a ranty rage when we ask her if she wants a quote on her dining room wall.  I, on the other hand, welcome all the wordsy reminders I can get, to help me stay calm and practice true self-care.  When I lived in Ogden, my bathroom mirror was "words of affirmation" central.  I put them in the bathroom because I spent a lot of time in there getting ready for the day and that's when I needed to remind myself that everything would be ok.  The more I walked in my bathroom and read my own affirmations out loud, the more I believed it.  The brain is a powerful tool.  It can either help or hurt you.  Now that my bathroom is a shared space and upstairs, I have my affirmations tacked on my bedroom wall and I still read them daily.  It did turn out, I did get the good job, and whoever the future baby daddy is actually supposed to be; he is out there in the universe being groomed to what I need most.  But, he better not shave off his beard or I'm folding on that birthing plan.

This little bloggy blog is my place to share some sunshine and I hope that it can continue to be that for my readers as well.  I want you all to know that we CAN face the shit storm with humor, poise and faith.  And when all else fails, just remember....

The moral of the story: You can always be the neighborhood nanny to someone and lend your time and love in times of need, both for you and them.

Until next time, my lovelies
-R

Be sure to check out the biz side of "Let It Be & Celebrate" by visiting www.beyoudesignsut.co

Perspective Changes Our View.

This week I've been very blessed to have some lessons that taught me how important it is to focus on the perspective of life's events. Many times we get so caught up in our vortex of struggle that we take a "woe is me" and "why the hell does this have to happen" and we forget that EVERYTHING in our life happens with purpose and perspective.  In the grand scheme of things, events that we may deem catastrophic or life-altering are probably that way, in our eyes. so that our path and our brain gets the remodel that it needs.  I have to remind myself that I am in the thick of the story, between my "once upon a time" and "happily ever after", and it may seem like the story will never end, but I'm actually creating a sub-plot of grand proportions that will still change me if I will let it.

One of the greatest blessings in my life are my friends.  I have stellar friends all over the country.  During my latest bump in the road of life, I've been strengthened by so many in their own way.  Notes in the mail, private messages on Facebook, phone conversations for HOURS where I do most of the talking and they do the listening and encouraging.  This keeps me going.  One friend in particular has given me such strength and I wanted to share her story with all of you.  I asked for her permission and due to the nature of her employment, she will remain nameless.  A couple of weeks ago, she experienced something in her job that was LIFE CHANGING for her and it brought a perspective that altered her outlook.  It was so "catastrophic" that she wrote about it and sent it to her mother.  Because of the magnitude of my bumpy reality, she knew I would appreciate this story and chose to share it with me as well.  It is not for the weak of heart, a real life "Grey's Anatomy" scene, but is powerful and I asked if I could feature it on my blog.  Her words are filled with faith in life and faith in God and yet her life is still not perfect.  However, she keeps perspective at the forefront of her life and because of that she blesses those around her, including me, with a deep appreciation for the sanctity, simplicity and delicacy of life.  Thank you dear friend, for sharing this with me and letting me share it with the world.

Journal Entry dated 9 April 2016

"I’ve been told that when a crisis hits, I will know what to do, that I will surprise myself and do better than I think. “You’ve been trained. You know what to do. It will come naturally.”

Right…

I’ve always thought that this was a bunch of bunk. When moderate crisis have hit at the hospital, I have found myself struggling with suppressing my own emotions, with hands shaking so violently that I can barely use them, and a brain that seems to screech to a halt. It takes all of my energy to keep from crying as I feel, much too deeply, what the family might be feeling.

I don’t want to be the family member being whooshed from the room while a flock of medical people come crashing in to save the day. It just seems too dramatic, too intense…too real.

Before I left for work yesterday, I took a moment to pray. “Heavenly Father, please help me to have a good day. Please help me to know what to do. Please help me to find someone to serve.” I had a good day, (Check!) I knew what to do, (Double check!), and I’m pretty sure I served someone who needed me. I’m just not exactly sure who that person was.

“Code Blue, CT. Code Blue, CT. Code Blue, CT.” paged loud overhead for all to hear. By the tone of the overhead page it was clear that this was not a drill.

I walked out of the break room and asked “Who’s the Team Lead today?”

“You are.”

“I am? Oh shit.” (Yes, I really did say this….sorry!)

I grabbed our heavy crash cart, stocked full of life saving supplies, and pushed it as fast as I could down the long corridor. The closer I got to the CT room, the more my heart started to pound. I was worried that my brain would screech to a halt and that I wouldn’t know what to do. So I paused. Well, at least my brain paused, as I rushed down the hallway.

“Heavenly Father, this is the real deal. I am in charge, and I need your help. Please help me to be calm. Please help me to know what to do.  Please help me to do my job. I’ve never done this before!”

Overwhelming peace and clarity instantly filled my body. My hands did not shake.
My brain did not falter.  I knew I was prepared, well, at least as prepared as one can ever be. I felt relaxed. Really relaxed.

It’s a hard thing, walking into a room, with a man laying on a table, his face so blue that it is nearly black. Doctors counting out the rhythm as they pound on his chest, “one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight...” It’s a hard thing to see the blood pooling in his mouth, blood pooling on his chest as doctors race to put in chest tubes, and watching the respiratory crew struggle to help him to breath with blood gushing out of his breathing tubes. And it’s a hard thing to know that through this all, even with two doctors and two anesthesia providers in the room, I am in charge.

I have never done this before.

My mind has been thinking about this scenario over and over, trying to make sense of things. It isn’t the blood that spattered the wall, the compressions that crushed his ribs, the “Everyone CLEAR! Shocking the patient in three, two, one!” that I had to call out, or the “Resume compressions!” that I’ve been mulling over.  It isn’t seeing the wife’s face as she calmly came in to touch her husband and say a brief prayer before his barely alive body was shipped to the ICU that I’ve been thinking about. Or her calm face as she thanked each one of us, almost individually, before walking away. It certainly hasn’t been the unusual way this code had to proceed due to the individual circumstances that lead to this man’s unfortunate day. And it hasn’t been the bloody footprints that we left in the room after everything had been cleaned, the final bit of evidence to our attempts at saving his life.

My mind can’t stop wondering about my reaction to it all. Why do I feel so calm?

Why am I not a basket case? I’ve been mulling it over in my mind, around and around, because I am worried that something is wrong with me. Shouldn’t I be devastated? Shouldn’t I cry, even a little? Shouldn’t I be a little bit traumatized? A wife just saw her husband’s unconscious body be taken to the ICU, know that this is probably it, as in the “It”, “The end”, or as I like to call it the “See you laters”.  Hollywood couldn’t have made the scene any more dramatic than it was.

Did he survive? Did he live?

That is the question that everyone asks. It wasn’t until becoming a nurse that I realized that “Did he survive?” and “Did he live?” have many layers and nuances. It’s like shades of a color. Is turquoise still blue? Yes, but not exactly.

So to answer the question, yes, he survived, at least at time of transport. His heart was beating. He was maintaining his blood pressure. He was even trying, in a small way, to breath on his own. His skin had even returned to a much more comfortable shade of pale pink. Was he alive? Yes. Is he alive?

I don’t know if he will ever leave the hospital. I don’t know if he will ever be able to hug his wife in this life. I don’t know if he will ever go home with his family. But I do know that he lives! No matter what happens to his body, his spirit is still alive.

And now as I write this, the tears suddenly fall.

Administration patted me on the back telling me “That was one of the best codes we have seen,” and were shocked when I told them that this was my first (I did see CPR one other time).  My other code team members said “Wow. You were so calm. You are an amazing team leader. You should run all of our codes.” and “You sounded and looked like you have run a hundred codes” when I confessed that this was my first.

Why was it that I was so calm? That I was able to very competently do my job, despite the horrific scene in front of me? A co-worker quietly asked me later that night, “Did you feel the help from the other side in the room with us? There were a lot of [heavenly] helpers in there.” It wasn’t until that moment that I realized the magnitude of help we had been given. I asked that morning to find someone to serve, not expecting to be the one served, but for that, I am feeling eternally grateful."

The moral of the story: No matter how hard life gets, keep perspective. Perspective will keep us breathing and facing our challenges with a miraculous sense of peace and calm.  I know it, my friend knows it and I hope that you can find it for you when you need it most.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Be sure to check out the biz side of "Let It Be & Celebrate" by visiting www.beyoudesignsut.co

Yes To Life.

Last week I mentioned that I recently finished reading the book, "The Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand in the Sun and Be Your Own Person" by Shonda Rhimes.  What an incredibly inspiring book!  I couldn't take notes fast enough, but I managed to jot down some of the things she wrote that really struck chords inside my soul.  It is kind of surreal what has transpired in my life since I listened to this book because much of what she said about taking risks and being brave is now applying to me on so many levels.

Shonda Rhimes is one of the most successful, smartest, bad ass women in Hollywood.  She is the genius behind McSteamy, McDreamy (MY personal favorite and totally on the Top 5 Hotties List) and some of the most poignant and deeply passionate fictional characters on ABC television.  But, did you know that she is also an introvert of extreme proportions, a single mother of 3 daughters through adoption, and her best friend is actually one of her television characters?  'Tis true.  She is just as deeply complex as her television characters and that is why her shows are so popular across the demographics.  Here are a few things I picked up while listening to the audio book.

Parties make everything better. If you are a frequent viewer of Shonda's shows, you know that she is big on parties.  There is always a reason for celebration and a reason to dance, even if it is surviving a long grueling day in the ER of Seattle Grace.  This philosophy on life stems from Shonda's childhood.  She grew up in a very loving family with a mom and dad who were the poster-perfect sweethearts and parents and they always had a reason for celebration. I also love a good reason to celebrate and find comfort in a good party, even if it is something as simple as a tasty drink and delicious dinner out with friends after a challenging day of life.  There is always always a reason to celebrate.  We can celebrate living each day we open our eyes again.

The nothingness of terror stole all the fun. Because of her intense introverted personality, Shonda turned down countless interviews and appearances because her fear paralyzed her ability to do something new.  She was WELL in to her television empire with Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice before she had this epiphany year of yes. When she decided that she would say yes to life, it also meant that she had to face her fear and start stepping out of her comfort zone and making appearances to promote and celebrate her success.  One of the first scheduled appearances was speaking at her Alma Mater, Dartmouth College, for their commencement exercises.  I was able to listen to the live version of this in the audio book and it brought tears to my eyes.  I was driving across east Idaho and almost had to pull over just to listen and cry. I have felt a lot of fear and unrest in the last 2 years of my life.  Even in the last 2 weeks of my life, I've thought "what the hell just happened....PLOT TWIST!"  We can all do hard things even when we think we are completely incapable of doing it.

Here is the YouTube video of Shonda's address at Dartmouth.  Please take the time to watch it.  It is amazing.

Power pose like Wonder Woman.This was such a hilarious part of the book. She gave numerous "statistics" about standing in the position of power like Wonder Woman does when she is about to save the world.  She was 100% sure that it had changed the course of her own life and I have since tried it and I know that it helped me feel like I could accomplish a few lofty tasks.

Life is hard, but hard is relative. Many times we are faced with trials that may seem similar, but really they are 100% different.  I am feeling this on a very personal level right now and I can attest to my current challenges being so very different than the others.  Yes, the common denominator is there, but the circumstances and surroundings are different and much much better in more ways than they are worse.  Life is WAY hard, but somehow, the hard part seems to diminish itself when we turn to our tribe and to God to carry us on the days when we just can't do it anymore.  I am so grateful for a tribe that includes some new faces and lacks some others.  The level of difficulty of life is truly relative and it eases up when we turn over our faith to God and let others serve us in small, but simple ways as well as in very large, critical ways.  Lemons to lemonade can mean so many different things depending on the time of day, the severity of the trial and the types of people we are surrounded by as we keep swimming.

Find a cause you love, focus on something outside of yourself; hashtags aren't a movement.  She spent a lot of time talking about finding a cause that you are passionate about and changing the world.  She was very specific in stating that just because we hashtag a photo on social media for a cause does NOT mean that we are moving mountains to improve something.  We need to get out of our seats, open our mouths and help others around us who have it far worse than we do.  This is such an important part of my life.  I am a non-profit guru because I have felt the immense healing power that comes when I step outside my complicated brain and look for ways to help others.  If there is cause to aide at-risk children, I am on it.  My mamma bear instincts are fiercely present in my non-profit work because I know that it is so important to protect our rising generation and it also fills a void in my heart as I wait to be a mom to my own kiddos.

The air you are breathing is rare air; appreciate it.  Every day is a gift from God.  For those of us who live in countries that are modernized we often take for granted the gift it is to breathe clean air.  We are so damn lucky to live in peace and harmony with medical care that is as advanced as its ever been and to have clean tap water and food that doesn't rot our insides.  We are damn lucky to have the opportunity to vote, get a post-secondary education and work in occupations that require us to use our brains.  As you read this blog, there are men, women and children who are starving and laying their heads on dirt floors wondering if they will wake up tomorrow, will have food to eat and if their babies will live another day in such dire circumstances.  There are women who are self mutilating their reproductive organs so they don't bleed anymore and lose their jobs because they are unable to have the sanitation products to remedy their condition.  There are orphans who spend countless nights wondering if anyone will ever love them and care for them other than some strangers in the other room.  Thank your lucky stars for the rare air you breathe.

You find your magic and I'll find mine. How many times have you got stuck in the vortex of unsolicited opinions? The trip to Target that should take 10 minutes and mean peace in the dollar bins section turns in to  20 questions about why you're not breast feeding your next baby?  Or, my absolute FAVORITE, when asked why you aren't dating anyone or starting a family and that time is ticking and you won't have as much time to make babies if you don't get to it.  So, ya, here's the deal....according to Shonda.....we all need to have the attitude of "you find your magic and I'll find mine." As you can imagine, a woman who has willingly chosen to be a single parent through adoption has had her fair share of unwelcome opinions.  She finally got to the point that she had to say, "I'm living my life and you live yours." This has been a really life-changing philosophy for me since I went to organized therapy.  I have a few souls in my life, who will remain nameless, who have bombarded me with opinion over the years.  As if their spewing nonsense is a magic equation that will change the course of my life. I am doing the best I can and so are you so how about we support each other and love each other unconditionally and live how we see fit.  

It's not diversity; it's called normalizing.  This portion of the book was one that really struck chords for me. She talked about an awards ceremony that she spoke at which honored diversity in the LGBT community as portrayed on television and in the movies.  During the speech she said that many times people have thanked and praised her for writing television characters that are so diverse, complex, twisted and vulnerable.  She also said that she will correct people and say that she is not bringing diversity to television, but she is normalizing television.  She is bringing to her viewers what they see in actual life.  She is bringing characters who struggle with sexuality, PTSD, infertility, death, birth, alcoholism, addiction and the list goes on and on and on.  THAT is life.  THAT is our reality.  We are HUMANS with beating hearts.  We all struggle.  We all wish we had something better.  Her goal in each of her shows is to not just have the token black alcoholic who is in senior management of a hospital, or a gay Republican who can't admit who he loves or an Asian feminist who finds the most satisfaction in her career, not a relationship or even the Caucasian dream boat who may be a pretty face, but is just as imperfect as his seemingly less attractive counterparts.  She portrays people as they are in actual life.  She wants people to feel that their tribe is waiting when they turn on the TV on Thursday nights or as they're binge watching on Netflix. To further explain this point, I found a outstanding video of Kerry Washington speaking about her experience working in ShondaLand (the name of Shonda Rhimes' company) that I thought explained this philosophy so beautifully.  It is much shorter than the commencement address from above, so please take six minutes to watch it.

Hate diminishes, love expands.  As a black female, Shonda is very familiar with the hate that is ever present when people who are different are in the room.  As a child she was often bullied and mocked for her weirdness and her coping mechanism was writing.  She often found solace in her characters and would sort out her thoughts by writing characters that were dealing with similar struggles.  I'm a big advocate for journaling in the therapy and coping process for similar reasons. I have calmed my brain down many times by writing out the "plot" of my life and the characters in it and sorting out the story on paper.  Somehow doing it on paper and pulling it out of my brain makes it turn from an emotional thought to an analytical equation that I will either solve or will not solve.  I thank God daily for a therapist that encouraged me to journal this way because it has served me well many times over the years.  Shonda's favorite character is Cristina Yang from Grey's Anatomy.  The reasons are many and I won't give it all away because the insight she shares about Cristina are really beautiful and you should read the book!  But, I will say this, it made so much more sense why she wrote Cristina as a fiercely driven and passionate feminist because she needed a way to sort her own thoughts.  She also shared that Cristina was one of her best friends over the years because her plot lines helped Shonda work through a lot of her personal struggles.

I hope that we can all take something from these thoughts from The Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand in the Sun and Be Your Own Person" by Shonda Rhimes.  Upon finishing this book, it promptly went on my list of "MUST listen to annually" books because it had a zen-like power on my brain because I related to her struggles and passion very much.  Life is dang hard, but life is also so beautiful and full of love and simple joys.

The moral of the story: Keep fighting, keep speaking your mind for the causes you love, and keep saying yes to life!

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R

Be sure to check out the biz side of "Let It Be & Celebrate" by visiting www.beyoudesignsut.co

And So It Goes....

My heart is full and my brain is a bit mushy, but I come to you today with musings that I didn't think would have to be real in 2016, but alas, here we are and we are talking and this is life......heavy sigh......

Recently, I read the book "The Year of Yes" by Shonda Rhimes.  It was an incredible book that I will add to my list of "must read each year" and will write a more thorough blog post about in the near future. It was eye-opening and heart-wrenching because I found myself relating to elements of this introverted, but insanely successful Hollywood female powerhouse that one might not expect of me at face value.  For you see, I am much more than meets the eye just like Ms. Rhimes.  I am twisted, imperfect, jaded and unsure of my place in life.  I am also a confident, out-spoken, beautiful soul who loves deeply and doesn't give a damn if people don't like me.  But, then again, I DO actually care if people don't like me.  I care a lot.

And so it goes....we come together and I am in a place of life that I thought I wouldn't have to experience this year. A place of unsure and unrest.  I joke that some of my best blog content has come during some of the scariest times of life and that is really not my cup of tea so what is up with it happening again?

There is so much that I could say that would fill you in on the specifics of my pain, but I keep it out of the public eye because it is not meant for sharing.  But, I will tell you this, life can shift in the blink of an eye without any warning.  Even when we think that we've had all we can bear and the clouds have finally parted, the universe can throw another bolt of lightening on our picnic and test our strength again. I am working through some sadness that I am all too familiar with, but there is a difference this time.  I know that there is a beginning and an end.  I know that there is a reason.  I know that my worth in the eyes of my family, my friends, my four loves and my God is not dependent on circumstances outside of my control.  

How many times have you sat on the floor of your bedroom, your bathroom or your kitchen and cried because someone made you feel like a total loser because you spoke your mind?  How many times have you felt like a total loser because you protected your integrity and it got you nothing but heartache and pain? I would be lying if I said that I was a self-professed "positive attitudes change everything" master.  I am SO not.  In fact, I suck at it when I get beat down over and over by the same scenario. I also know that if I let myself harbor anger and spite that I will spiral into a depressive state that is brutally ugly and nearly impossible to climb out of.  My faith is tested when I have to pull myself off the floor, wipe away my tears and look in the mirror and say, "Ray, you have roots that are deep and they are strong and you know it. Trust yourself, trust God and let this unfold."  Sometimes .... a LOT of the time....those words have to be reaffirmed by friends and family, but ultimately they have to come from ME before they will work miracles.

Last night I got on my knees and started a prayer with a statement along these lines, "I don't have any tears left, but I do have a bed, a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a car that runs, a closet FULL of cute clothes, a manic black cat who thinks I'm the best thing ever, four little humans who adore me and people who are praying for me every single day. What am I going to do this time?" I said the remainder of my prayer and I got up, dusted off my skinned knees, turned off my cell phone and crawled in my blessed bed.  When I woke up this morning and turned on my phone I was greeted with multiple messages full of love and encouragement.  God is in our details, my lovelies.  No matter our religion, no matter our state of existence, HE IS THERE.  He hears our prayers, He loves us and He puts people in our path to carry us when we can't carry ourselves.

I am convinced that my life flows with the soundtrack of the movie "Rudy" because I feel like the little person who WILL start in the game, but really just wants to punch cinder block walls and stuff, but then my teammates give up their jerseys and the moment of awesome happens for all to see.  I know that we can beat the odds when we least expect it. Nothing in our life happens without reason.  The final scene of the movie is one that I could watch over and over.  It melts my heart.  I weep like a baby every time I watch the movie and I legitimately go into panic mode because I don't know if he is going to play in the final game of his senior year at Notre Dame.  I KNOW THE ANSWER and I still freak out!  One of the things I love most is the scene in which Rudy himself is freaking out about what to do next after he's run his assigned play. Seconds left in the game and he doesn't know what to do. One of the coaches yells to him from the sideline, "stay in, stay in." He does that and you know the rest.....he makes college football history.  This is my life.  I am setting records and overcoming the odds in ways that I had no idea were possible for one lady.  But!  I know that my happy ending always includes a lot of cheering from the crowds and myself and that is what carries me through the challenging parts.  Please take a minute to watch the movie clip below and think about how it relates to your life.  Who is there cheering you on?  Who believes in you? Who loves and adores your imperfect self even when you think you've lost them?

The moral of the story: Staying in the game makes all the difference.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Five.

This week marked a big milestone for me. On Thursday, March 17th, St. Patrick's Day, I celebrated my 5 year anniversary since I buttoned up organized therapy.  I ended therapy on St. Patrick's Day on purpose.  I LOVE the holiday (it's that redhead in me) and I always wanted to remember the end with a happy day.  If I was a drinker I would maybe have an extra drink, but alas, I am not, so I had a big fat piece of sinful 7 layer chocolate cake in my princess bed and it was glorious.  

I've written about my experiences in therapy and post therapy a number of times on le blog. There is a lot about the therapy process that is still so wrought with stigmas and misconceptions in the media and I've tried to be as open and honest as I can about the process and what I learned.  There is also a part of my experience that purposely is staying in the past.  It includes the mistakes, the heartaches and the toxic pain that I shed through the help of my amazing therapist.  History remains history and there is just some of it that I don't need or want to talk about.  I know I have a lot of readers who have struggled with the process of therapy and didn't feel like it helped them.  Today I am going to be very real and very honest so that you can see that therapy didn't actually cure me.  Therapy made me a better me so that I could face life differently.  But, it sure as hell did not cure me. 

The first thing I want you to know about therapy: there is absolutely no shame in seeking help.  There is immense value in talking to a third party that you are not emotionally connected with in any way other than the fact that you air your dirty laundry to them and they take notes and offer suggestions for coping.  These brave souls who have chosen the career of mental health specialists are highly educated and wired to take on the analysis of our lives and brains.  God bless them because I couldn't do it.  I know enough about people and their weirdness through my chosen profession, but I don't need to know more.  Much of the shame that we may feel is because our brains are so mucked up with trying to deal that they want us to give up so that the wiring doesn't have to change.  However, just like a well-maintained engine, our brains do so much better when they are oiled and monitored and flushed on a periodic basis and therapy can serve that purpose if we will let it.  

The second thing I want you to know about therapy: it is only as good as how you apply it in your every day life.  I was TERRIFIED to end my time with Jennifer because I knew it meant I had to deal on my own.  It was scary to think about having relationships and facing life challenges after I was done checking in with her.  I made absolutely sure that I was ready to fly on my own, but I also had a long list of things that I kept and still keep close to my heart.  What are my triggers?  Who are my triggers?  What calms me down?  What can I let slide and what do I have to always do when I'm having a tough mental health day?  How do I stop myself from the avalanche of "what ifs" that I'm so good at doing?  Who do I trust implicitly with all the hairy details and who am I on a "need to know, surface only" basis?  The list goes on and on.  More than once I have had to sit myself down and have a mental tune-up to get myself back on track after a big event or boulder fell out of the sky.  2015 anyone?  My most recent therapy post talked about a pair of shoes that reminded me of a terribly awful relationship mistake that I made.  In the post I talked about keeping them as a reminder of what I had accomplished.  I am happy to report, that because of my own blog post and the triggers that I set off (boo to me), I ended up getting rid of those hot polka-dotted vintage inspired pumps because they (a silly pair of shoes) were a trigger and they needed to go.  Talk about a weight lifted when I don't see the lurking reminder in my closet anymore.  

The third thing I want you to know about therapy: you are still going to have hard days.  You're going to have completely shitty, sad, crying, awful, hard-as-hell days.  But, you will also have days when you will think, "wow, pre-therapy me would have crumbled quicker and longer in this scenario than post-therapy me." My knees still get bruised and bloody when I fall and my heart still breaks when a relationship ends or someone dies.  But, how I treat myself and how I work through it compared to pre-therapy is light years different.  I still ache to have a better reality in regards to a couple of things in my life, but I know that gratitude conquers all and with that I relish in what I DO have and let the rest go.  

The fourth thing I want you to know about therapy:  Decide that you will not settle for any type of treatment or abuse that will put you right back to where you were pre-therapy. THIS takes practice and a whole hell of a lot of effort. I'm still finding out little quirks and nuances that I thought were fully addressed are, in fact, still a raging issue if I'm not careful. I've had some conversations with my friends that have recently divorced when I asked them, "what went wrong on both sides and how will you improve yourself the next time?" There are a lot of people, myself included, who have a hard time admitting they were wrong and at fault and that they need to use their picker with more prudence next time. If your surroundings need to change for your therapy to stick, then move.  Have the faith to do it.  If you need to have a sitter to watch your kids so you can go to the gym, then MAKE IT HAPPEN and go to the gym.  If you need friends who don't encourage you to drink like a crazy person or use drugs, then bravely cut them off and find new friends.  If you need to have a date night and some good loving calendared with your sweetheart then write it on the damn calendar and do it!  Remember how I said therapy is only as good as you apply it to your daily life?  Well it is.  Trust me.  Don't spend all that money, time and effort and expect no change necessary.  That is a LIE.  Change is the point.  Change is the healer.  

The fifth thing I want you to know about therapy: You can go back.  Jennifer called them booster visits and I've had a few.  The funny part about mine was that we usually chuckled together because I knew what I needed to do and was well on my way to the right path.  Going to see her for a booster visit was mostly for validation that I was, in fact, coping like a boss without her.  I've kept in contact with her and will send her a periodic email from time-to-time just to solidify that I'm doing well and that she's still there.  I've referred a lot of friends to her. When it came time to leave Utah, I promise you that I had a conscious thought process that included "what if I ever need to go see Jennifer? Will this next home be close enough that I could do that?"  The answer is yes, but I'm confident that I probably won't need to use that lifeline because I am using her advice every day as best I can.  

I am grateful for this milestone.  It has not been an easy 5 years.  Holy hell, at times, it has been everything but easy. I've felt a lot of anger and hate, but I've also learned to deeply, truly love others and myself and I know that my choice to give organized therapy a shot is the reason why.  Don't give up on yourself. Talk to someone who can help you trudge through your sorrow and confusion.

The moral of the story: Breathe. Trust. Love. Have faith in the timing AND the process.  And most of all work.  Work very very hard to be your best you in spite of your imperfections.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

la la la la....life goes on!

The other day I sent a text to my amazing friend that went something like this, "I can tell spring is around the corner here because I feel better and I'm actually happy." Then I took the time to look at my Instagram photos towards the end of 2015 and compare them to those in the last month and I thought, "who is that incredibly happy looking lady?" And lastly, as my bestie and I were road trippin' this past weekend, one of my favorite Beatles hits,  "Ob-la-di ob-la-da" came on Pandora and it hit me, 'la la la la....life goes on' is LEGIT and I am happy freaking proof.

"Ob-la-di ob-la-da" is one of those songs that causes me to stop what I'm doing, smile like crazy, turn up the volume, dance and sing along. The funny thing is, the lyrics are pretty silly and simple. It's about life. Life that is happy and real and moving forward for a girl and a boy named Molly and Desmond Jones. Molly is a singer in a band and Desmond has a barrow in the market place and really likes her face.

Life HAS moved on for me and I am so incredibly happy. There is laughter, there is love, there is success, but most of all there is a lot of liking my own face. I have so much to be grateful for, but most of all I am grateful to look in the mirror and SEE my happy which also means seeing the peace. That's a challenging task for someone who has spent a few too many days "faking it to make it" in her life. When I can see and feel the same, I count it as a red letter banner day. We all know that I don't sugar coat anything so let's muse for a moment about the things that I had to do to make this possible. I have learned over and over and over in life, NOTHING comes for free and it especially doesn't come without effort.

Make Time For Quiet. I experienced a lot of noise when I made the decision to relocate out-of-state. Noise was defined as tying loose ends with my apartment lease, cancelling all the utilities, changing addresses, saying good bye to the VIP list of friends that I would miss dearly and on and on and on. When I first arrived here, I was still faced with a lot of noise as I started a new job and all the joys that went along with it. I quickly found that the times when I could sit and snuggle in a quiet place were therapeutic and absolutely necessary because my brain was forced to be quiet and THAT is as good as gold for a mental health warrior princess such as myself. One of my favorite things to do in my quiet time is read. Reading has been a place of solace for me this past year and that didn't change when the scenery changed.

Don't Force The Routine.  I am a pretty chill control freak. That means that I like order in my career, but I don't stress about the laundry not getting folded TODAY on the home-front, but I go ape shit cray if someone messes with my desk at work or doesn't follow clearly written policy. Oxymoron incarnate?  Yes.  Do I care what you think about that? Nope. What I've learned to embrace at home (don't sweat folding the laundry if you're having a bad mental health day) has been grossly overdue at work and vice versa at home (aka I probably SHOULD care about the laundry not being folded). Whenever I start a new job I am full throttle and want to transition as fast as possible because transition is awkward and painful and NOT fun. After some really challenging lessons last year I learned that I needed to slow the hell down in my career and be a little bit more chill during the transition phase. I've done my best so far and it was like clockwork when I hit the one month mark and suddenly the honeymoon period was O-ver and I was forced to be bad ass boss lady again and make things happen now.

Celebrate The Small Victories. I keep my career and those details out of my blog life because they are separate. However, I made a big decision to come back to a career that was suffocating me in Utah. It was a big leap of faith for me and I've had a few days this year that I've thought, "what the hell was I thinking coming back?" But then, I had multiple days last week when my team's efforts were manifested in small, yet big victories within our company. Last week I sat at my desk for at least a half hour and just soaked in the pure joy of seeing the fruits of my labors pop up in emails. I also took the opportunity to take myself to dinner as a celebration of this huge step. Don't short change yourself of the celebration that should come when you accomplish small, yet important, tasks in your life. They ALL matter so treat them that way.

Ditch The Toxic. I accumulated some toxic when I lived in Utah. Some toxic air to breathe for 4 months during the winter, attitudes, habits and people. Just as I had to purge a lot of physical items out of my house to make this move possible, I had to purge the other toxins out of my life too. It's not an easy task to tell someone in your life that they are a ridiculous excuse of a human and that you will no longer expend energy to care about them when they clearly do NOT care back. It's also really challenging to step away from social media sources that are a constant reminder of what you miss in the former home, but also reminds you of the ticking time bomb that your life was in 2015.  Have the courage to walk away and close the chapter.  I will also tell you that as you ditch the toxic, the happy has more room to exist and gives you the chance to see life in a whole new light and it is beautiful.

Try New Things. One of the inevitable realities that comes with moving to a new place are the new things to do and see. From the moment I arrived in Idaho, I started seeking out new things to do and see. I knew I needed a non-profit to volunteer with so I started to google about my chosen causes. I knew I liked to support local restaurants so I figured out who they were and when I was going to try their cuisine. I knew I had a lot of Saturdays that needed filling with solo adventures so I figured out where those places were and how the heck to get there. I knew I had some overdue winter bucket list items that needed to be crossed off the list so I made plans to do them in an effort to appreciate my colder, healthier surroundings. Oh, and in my first week here, trying new things translated to fried cheesecake. Uh, hello, fried treat of absolute sinful goodness! Where have you been all my life?????

Trust The Timing. I'm a planner and I have some very specific personal goals that I need to accomplish in 2016. Some of them are quite daunting on paper and it's been really challenging to swallow the reality that some of these goals are not happening overnight.  In fact, none of them are happening overnight. I don't have a magic wand or a twitching nose full of witchcraft. Damn it, but I don't. So why do I think it will just magically poof itself fixed? I've made a promise to myself that I will continue to trust in the timing of my life and not let the looming goals and hopes and dreams take over my here and now because my here and now is pretty damn amazing and peaceful. This one has especially been hard for a couple matters of the heart, but I've handed that messy, frustrating shit over to the big man upstairs because I don't have a crystal ball or magic eight ball that actually work. Le sigh.

The final words of the song go like this, "Yeah, ob-la-di ob-la-da life goes on bra
La-la how the life goes on
Yeah, ob-la-di ob-la-da life goes on bra
La-la how the life goes on
And if you want some fun
Take ob-la-di ob-la-da"

Life is fun. Life is still hard and challenging, but it is moving forward one day at a time. To those of you who are sitting in a chapter of life in which you think that things will never change, please know that it WILL if you make the effort to keep moving and singing and celebrating the small victories. You will get through your challenges that are set before you today. Tomorrow offers you another chance at living and loving and I know that you can do it. Don't lose hope and don't short change yourself from seeking the help and support that is right there waiting for you to utilize.

The moral of the story: life ABSOLUTELY goes on.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

The Roots of Our Soul.

Over the years, I've often thought back on some of the poorest choices I made in my life and how they came about and why I thought it was acceptable to do it.  One particular instance haunts me because I know that it was a choice made while I was in pain and without deeply planted roots of self confidence and love for myself.  I've forgiven myself, but I will always live with a reminder in my brain of the how and why and that I am forever grateful I was brave enough to face my fear and be a better person in spite of myself.

I think many of us make choices in our lives because our roots are weak and we think that our worth is far less than it actually is so why would it matter if we do what we do? It breaks my heart when I have people tell me, "I hate myself so much that I can't accept that someone might love me."  What brings a person to this point?  The breakdown of trust, communication and a spiritual root system that keeps them intact.  I've been there. It's a dark, cold, lonely place. But, the good news is, it doesn't last forever.  And thank goodness.

I reference my time in organized therapy on a regular basis because I am not ashamed that I sought help to cope. I also want others to feel safe in talking with me about their struggles and their experiences with therapy. Therapy doesn't cure you. Not even CLOSE, but the greatest gift you can walk away with is the ability to grow your roots back and build a foundation again. It took about 6 weeks before I felt the breakdown of my weak root system. What commenced was a catastrophic meltdown and physical pain because of emotional issues. There is absolutely no way we can start over until we hit rock bottom. It's the moments of having absolutely nothing except for us and God that we figure out a way to conquer our fear to take root in new ways.

One of my all-time favorite Disney/Pixar movies is "A Bug's Life." For whatever reason it has always been a movie that I can pop in to calm my nerves and laugh. The dialogue and one-liners are some of Disney's finest. One scene in particular involves Flick attempting to give an analogy of the giant tree growing from a seed and the seed is actually a rock.  Dot says to him, "this rock is going to become a tree?" and Flick freaks out and has to reexplain his point and that it takes time to grow and become strong like the tree. I always laugh because Dot says to him, "you're weird." Oh how I can relate to being weird for being a woman who relates so well to analogies by a talking ant.

Another priceless gift that I gained from therapy was the ability to say to myself, "how can I apply this event, trial, whatever, to other aspects of my life?"  Along with that I also learned the valuable mental tool, "what have I learned from this mistake and how will I live my life differently because of it?" Both of those statements take an incredible amount of "reality check" and brutal honesty with ourselves because the answer may not be what we want to hear. To that I say with all the love in my heart, tough shit. Face reality, strip your pride and be brave and full of faith to face your weaknesses.

In nature, the strongest trees can withstand the elements of weather, wind and aging with a deeply bedded root system. The same goes for us.  I love the quote above about laughing at storms.  I don't know about you, but the last thing I'm doing in the middle of a storm, figuratively or literally, is laughing.  Usually I'm crying and hiding under my blankets in my bed.  The point of this quote is that we CAN face storms with a smile on our face if we have a root system that is strong and deep.  Without a solid root system, we can't discern what is right and what is wrong and where the boundaries lie as we fight the good fight and find ourselves again.

Many of you who read this blog know me personally and know the inner and external battles I've fought.  Some of you know more than others, but I want you ALL to know this, my roots of regrowth after I went to see my Jen is what changed EVERYTHING. (her website) I know this because I have never experienced anything like my 2015 and I am here to tell you that I didn't drown because I had roots of faith and strength to hold on to with all my might. I had love in my heart for myself and others around me and I kept myself grounded by serving and allowing others to serve me.

The moral of the story: Even when the roots are cut, they can still grow back and be better than ever.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R