To My 16 Year-Old Self.

This past week I took on a new role in my church as a leader with the teen girls in our congregation.  This particular role is one that I haven't had since I was 19 and I've been grateful that they asked me to do other things.  For the majority of my adult life, I didn't want to talk to the younger generation about being a single female in our religion or how to face life and prepare to be an adult.  It's hard.  It's totally stupid at times.  Hell, being a woman is hard.  So much pressure; so much ridicule. The sleepless nights over stupid shit that didn't actually matter. The list goes on and on. However, when the time came for me to take on this role, I felt like it was going to be OK, in spite of my utter fear and feelings of inadequacy.  So far, I've only wanted to crawl in a hole maybe once or twice so that's good.  The reality is this; being a teenage girl is tough in 2017.  Social media distraction and drama; drugs; alcohol; figuring out what the hell is up with boys; finding your faith and relationship with God; learning to juggle homework, chores and hormones is hard.  

As I sat across the room from fifteen of these beautiful girls, I thought to myself, "I don't ever want to be 16 again." But, I've also thought, "what would I tell my 16 year-old self about being an adult?" So, without further adieu, here are a few of my musings from the 30+ year-old version to the 16 year-old (wishing she was older) version.  

1. Boys will always be weird; don't let it define your self-worth.  I'm pretty positive that I still have to remind myself of this on a regular basis.  The male world is a totally different breed than girl world and if we let it get to us, it's just a mess.  I read the book "Men are From Mars, Women from Venus"a few years ago and it was a good reality check.  Men are hardwired for such different things than women and they don't get it that we notice every little thing and wish they'd compliment our cute shoes and new hair, but really, they just want to eat a double cheeseburger, lift weights or make out.  Eventually they will refine their tactics a bit and you'll find one who you can live with forever, but in the meantime, don't let their weird define your self-worth.  You be you and he will be whatever it is he is and someday you'll find that guy who thinks you're the funniest, prettiest, kindest lady who says shit way too much and drinks Diet Coke more than water. 

2. The sun will rise and set on a lot of bad days; hold tight and don't give up. I had no idea how hard my life was actually going to be in the near future when I was griping about having to share a car with my brother and spend time with my family.  I didn't know that 2 years later I'd be in this dark abyss of scary as I hit an emotional low and was buried in depression.  I didn't know that I was already experiencing things that were going to set the stage for the rest of my life, in good and bad ways.  My version of "hard" was getting up at 6 am to go learn about Jesus and have pancakes for breakfast 3 out of the 5 weekdays.  Actual difficult days rolled in after I graduated and I was really glad that I had gone to those 6 am classes about Jesus because it helped me hold on real tight when I wasn't sleeping at night and was afraid of what my brain was telling me.  

3. Who you go to senior prom with will NOT matter when you're 35 so don't stress if you don't get asked. High school dances suck for everyone, but the popular kids.  They just do.  It's so much hype, stress and money and really it just does NOT matter in the grand scheme of life.  I had one dance in high school that I was 100% happy and prepared to attend with my best guy friend.  But guess what?  I don't talk to him anymore, the dress is long gone, my hair looks way better, and I don't remember what I had for dinner that night.  Dances aren't the defining moment of your life map so don't worry if that one guy in 3rd period doesn't ask you to the dance. He's probably just as wigged out as you are that he has to get dressed up, shower and buy you a flower.   

4.  Look for the good in all people; you never know who will remember what you said to them in the hall, how you made them feel, and how it might affect you later in life.  Now that I'm living in my hometown as an adult, I'm quickly being reminded of the good, the bad and the ugly that went on in my high school years.  I remember who was the total ass hat and the mean girl, but I also remember who was the popular kid with a good heart.  On the flip side, I'm discovering the impact I had on people and albeit a little overwhelming at times, I'm grateful that I had parents who taught us to be good, kind, sans drama and non-judgmental.  It's a tough gig being the token Mormon kid in a Catholic town, but I'm so beyond grateful that I had the diverse upbringing that I did.  I love people for our similarities and our differences.  

5.  God DOES have a purpose for you and He is guiding your footsteps.  Listen to your heart and soul and take risks to chase your dreams.  There is one element of my teen years and early adulthood that I still have to consciously work through to get over. Some extra pressure and control that I'm convinced triggered the depression.  I can't change it, but I have to wonder if I had been a little more confident in myself and better educated on Vitamin D levels and some other things that it could have gone better.  But, the faith-based side of me also recognizes that everything happens for a reason and everything worked out and the pieces fell together.  So, to 16 year-old me, don't forget that God is there, he knows and loves you. He is guiding your life, even when you want to poke your mother's eyes out.  

6. Set boundaries. Know where you stand so that the peer pressure can't break you. I am grateful to report that I didn't have issues with peer pressure while I was a teen.  I can count on one hand the number of times I was remotely approached to step out of my moral compass.  This is incredible because there was a LOT of shit going down during my teen years in this town and I feel like a flock of guardian angels were watching out for me.  I've had to instill more boundaries and anti-peer pressure antics in adulthood than I ever imagined.  

7. Laugh as loud as you want and sing at the top of your lungs if you feel like it. One of the most hurtful bits of criticism I ever received as a youth was that I laughed too loud.  If I told you who said it you'd be super pissed and disappointed so we won't go there.  But, I wish that I would've been a duck and let that hurtful comment roll off my back.  The person who said it was more insecure than I knew at the time and had I known what I know now, I could have said to myself, "Screw that!  I will laugh as loud as I want because it is my expression of happiness and I'm having fun and want to laugh." But, I didn't and here I am and I still remember how it made me feel and it was 20+ years ago.  Laugh. Laugh. Laugh.  Life is really sucky at times and you should always find those reasons to laugh because it builds your core muscles, strengthens your vocal chords and boosts those endorphins.  

As for singing....I grew up in a very musical family.  We're all trained singers, but we are all our own person with differing talents and imperfections.  I have insane performance anxiety when I sing solo and a lot of it stems from feeling inadequate in the eyes of peers and family members as a teen.  It's getting better, but I still get embarrassed when people notice my voice in group settings and say something.  Generally their words are kind and complimentary, but I have this subconscious 16 year-old lingering that still wonders if she's good enough.  Sing your heart out and dance in the car.  It's the best therapy and vocal practice you could ever give yourself.  I've learned more about my voice and its abilities by singing to the opera station on Pandora and it's helped me build confidence to sing in "full voice" whenever I feel like it.  

8.  Let yourself cry when you are sad or stressed. I've talked about this in previous blog posts so I won't dwell on it a lot.  I would tell my 16 year-old self that crying is actually your stress release so when it happens, let it happen because it's your body trying to get all the toxins out after a tough situation or hard day.  

9. Don't rush growing up.  Let someone else cook your meals, wash your clothes and pay the bills for as long as you can.   This advice is the one I find myself saying out loud and in my head the most when I have the chance to visit with teens and young adults in college.  I see myself in the girls I work with at church because they are super excited to graduate and have 'freedom' and run away from 'methy Montana" to far-off places.  I could not get the hell out of dodge fast enough when I graduated from junior college and I spent 13 years missing my home, family and friends terribly.  While living in Utah, I missed three funerals of very, very dear friends who died suddenly and traumatically.  Each of the days that I was told that they were killed are forever burnt in my brain because it rocked my world that I could not come home to properly say good bye and mourn their loss.  That was the result of choosing to run away and now that I'm here in my hometown, I feel a certain sense of peace that I have the chance to correct some of that mental trauma because I can visit graves and see family members who remind me that all is well and life has moved forward.  That's just one example of the things I experienced because of my running far away from home so quickly.  Be still and enjoy the moment because they will dissolve no matter what and you don't want to regret if the last conversation was a good one.  

10. Say, "I love you" freely and without embarrassment.  I was terrified to show love as a budding 16 year-old.  I let everyone around me call the shots on how I behaved in relationships.  I regret it so much. I think about those who should have known that I really really loved them as well as those who I acted like I loved, but really I was going with the crowd. The lingering reminders are still there and I wish I would have fought for the love just a little bit harder. Don't be afraid to share your feelings and have your vulnerable side come out.

I think we can all agree that being 16 had its pros and cons and that it's a damn miracle that we survived.  However, we still have the chance to learn, grow and influence those who are living it now.  I'm really honored to work with these gems because they also remind me how lucky I was to have women full of integrity who held my hand and reassured me that it would be ok on the tough days. I'm grateful for the women who woke up at 5 am so that I could learn about Jesus at 6 am and I'm especially grateful for my parents who paid the bills, cooked the food and taught me to be kind to everyone.  

The moral of the story: Be you. Laugh at you. Love you.  

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R

Be sure to read last week's post: "Let's Talk Mental Health."

Mirror, Mirror On My Wall.

This week my friend shared in a Facebook update that her young daughter had voiced her personal concerns about her image and my friend didn't know how to react because she herself deeply struggles with her own set of image challenges.  It broke my heart to read the string of comments from fellow moms who have been thrown in to the same conversations with their young kids and hastily reminded me of the love-hate relationship I have with the mirror on my wall on a daily basis.

This blog is a three-fold initiative and one of the main topics is women's empowerment.  What brought me to that point?  The need I saw and felt for a real, raw, perfectly imperfect, curvy woman speaking up and standing at the front of the line for kindness and confidence in a sea of photo-shopped, fake and superficial. Does that mean that I have all the confidence and self-assurance that I am just fine the way I am?  Hell. No.  In fact, I had to stop MYSELF from the nitpick self talk when I saw myself in a bathing suit in a mirror at the local hot springs last week.  My brain is my own toughest critic.  I often wish there was a magic wand that my fairy godmother could sprinkle pixie dust on my forehead and I would see myself as others see me and as God sees me.  But, alas, that is not real, however, we can do so much to strengthen our self-confidence, self-esteem and self-love.  The best part is that as we do that we are happier and we become examples to others to do the same.  I want to share some of the feedback I received when I posed the question, "what would you say if this was your daughter?" To protect the individuals, I will keep all comments anonymous.  The comments come from a wide variety of women with differing religions, ages, professional backgrounds, some are mothers, some are not.  They are beautiful and strengthened me in my on-going quest for self-love.

• Tell her she is beautiful every day. Don't say "you look beautiful," but "you are beautiful." And also amazing, smart, strong, funny, kind, sweet, etc. Never comment on body. Ever. Even 'good' comments.

• Ask the why...why do you feel this way? Has someone said something? You know, God made you to his perfection and that is what really matters. Everyone has flaws or something they don't like about themselves but it's how God sees you. God made you this way for a reason. He loves the way you look and you should too!

• Focus on acknowledging the painful emotions that accompany - joining with her in sharing my own experiences of feeling " not good enough"

• Part of helping the problem is understanding where she is hating herself. If she isn't liking how big she is, instead of saying she needs to go on a diet, exercise with her and start eating healthy with her. Maybe find some good roll models that aren't fake (like pro female sports players) and let her see how not everyone is fake. Also help her understand that most people in magazines are photo-shopped.

• It's also important that this is something that our boys face too.

• First of all, I commend that little girl for being able to open up about her insecurities. Definitely nothing wrong with that. I just kept my insecurities bottled up as a child and I should have been more open with them. I would tell your friend to THANK her daughter for bringing up these insecurities. Her being open about them is a step in the right direction. If she were my daughter, I would tell her not to care what society thinks of her. Those idiots don't matter. What IS considered ideal? Is it even that desirable? Do you want to live the kind of lifestyle that comes with it? Girls who are "perfect" probably aren't as happy as they appear to be. They have problems, just like everybody else. Imperfection equates uniqueness. The people who give you the time of day truly appreciate and embrace your imperfections. They love you for them. I feel blessed to have the friends I do because they know I'm imperfect and insecure, but they don't CARE. They love me just the same. I would say to her, "You do you, hun, because trying to be someone or something else wastes a lot of time that could've been spent discovering yourself and developing your own unique talents." God created you the way he did for a specific reason.

Every single day we have to remember that God created us to be UNIQUE, wonderful, quirky and lovely for a reason. The media creates a standard to sell magazines and advertising. Others speak harshly towards us, about us or about themselves to draw the attention away from their blaring insecurity.  Please, please, please be mindful of how you speak and act around the kids in your life because they DO listen and create their own opinions of themselves before they can even express it.  

I've shared this video before, but I love it so much because it is a very literal and blunt example of how we shape the way our kids think.  #likeagirl is still such a powerful example to me and gives me a constant reminder to be a better example to the kids in my life, but to also live it with myself. 

The moral of the story: Being unique is our super power.  Fly high and save the world in your own special way.  

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R

::GUEST BLOGGER:: Triumph Over Definition.

Note from Raylynn: I am very pleased to turn the blog over to my quirky and delightful sister, Lena, for a guest post of great proportions.  This isn't her first time on the blog and I highly recommend you check out her other post too by going HERE.  Lena is a soon-to-be senior in college in Montana and is our family's resident writer, artist, Doctor Who fan and fan girl extraordinaire.  I hope you enjoy her post as much as I do!  Be sure to check out our GIVEAWAY at the end of her blog post.  

Hello again, R’s lovelies! After making my debut on “Let it Be & Celebrate” I just couldn’t pass up a chance to make an encore appearance. It’s absolutely fantastic to be here with you all once again. Alright. now that we’ve gotten the sentimentalities out of the way, I’m just gonna go for it.

A couple years ago, I was exposed, for the first time, to a delightful young British singer named Ronan Parke. He competed on “Britain’s Got Talent” and has been developing a name for himself ever since. The centerpiece of my musings today is his song, “Defined” (I won’t feel bad if you decide to take a quick break to look it up. In fact, I hope you WILL HERE. The music video will provide an excellent visual backdrop for my thoughts). It speaks out against being labeled/stereotyped by others and feeling inferior because of it. In other words, bullying. Yep. I said it—the big, bad, B-word.

I’ve always been a passionate advocate for anti-bullying. I’ve had my fair share of it. Fortunately, it didn’t get the better of me and I continue to live my life trying to pretend it never happened. But it did. I don’t remember everything that was said/done to me, but my subconscious still does. It’s not something that can be turned off like a light switch; there’s more to it than that.

The mind of the bullied is in a near constant state of paranoia regarding their self-esteem, self-worth, and overall social acceptance. Symptoms include social awkwardness, low self-esteem, and having the need for strong, meaningful relationships. Below you will find not a textbook explanation of these symptoms, but explanations from the point of view of a survivor—from my point of view. I hope you find yourselves better educated on this life-changing epidemic infecting our society.

Symptom #1: social awkwardness. A survivor will oftentimes be afraid of social settings. They have trouble leading out in friendships and general conversations with others due to fear of saying the “wrong thing” and being rejected. Going to social events alone can be paralyzing for this very reason. Keeping to themselves is typical. However, when they find themselves in comfortable social situations, they are capable of being the life of the party.

Symptom #2: low self-esteem. A survivor is constantly questioning themselves. If they were bullied because of their physical appearance, on what part of themselves will they be particular harsh about? Anyone? Anyone? Yes, you in the back row? Very good—you are correct: their physical appearance (not exactly rocket science, is it?). Finding themselves attractive can be difficult because they were forced to believe that they are not. When such a concept is so heavily emphasized, the mind perceives it as a fact, not an opinion. Thanks to having this mindset, survivors tend to appreciate compliments even more so than what can be considered “normal.” Being assured of their beauty and worth (physically and mentally) is vital to their self-esteem. On the other side of the scale, having low self-esteem leads to the development of shoddy sarcasm filters. They may occasionally have trouble discerning the difference between sarcasm and sincerity. That being said, sarcastic remarks aimed directly at a survivor can be hurtful because they cannot tell if the one producing the remark is being serious or is “just kidding.”

Survivors find it difficult to take constructive criticism. They know that it is necessary for personal growth and know how to respond to it. However, they have to carefully monitor themselves to ensure that they don’t take it too personally, otherwise they may go into an emotional tailspin.

Symptom #3: the need for strong, meaningful relationships. More than anything, a survivor needs good relationships. They don’t need very many, but the ones they do have mean more to them than the other party/parties may ever understand. When they form strong relationships, they are willing to do anything in their power to maintain them and have no shame in being doting and affectionate. They have a constant hunger to feel wanted. Personalized attention is also extremely important. They hate being a numbered face in the crowd. They need to feel cared about.

***

As you can see, bullying has a lifelong effect. It triggers the same area of the brain that retains subconscious memories of a traumatic experience. Bullying IS a traumatic experience—an ongoing one. Why does it happen?? So many people (of all ages) struggle with being a victim of this heartless act of cruelty. I think a main reason this occurs can be attributed to a fear of the different. If it’s not “normal,” it’s not “acceptable.” Victims are therefore categorized and stereotyped. Bullies themselves may also have their own issues to work through, which can cause aggressive behavior. Cause-wise, the road runs both ways. It’s tragic.

So what can you do (hypothetically)? Tread softly and be kind to everyone. Be mindful. Be considerate. Have compassion. I can’t and won’t be defined. I live my own life. I’m free to be nothing but me. Yeah, I’m free to be ME.

***

The moral of the story: BE NICE to people.  Our differences make us unique and oh so fabulous.  Just. Be. YOU.  

Please take the time to enter our giveaway from the lovely Suzi, owner and creator of Just Be Purses in Hyrum, Utah.  An awesome, unique, one-of-a-kind clutch, with a secret surprise gift card inside, is up for grabs this week. Be sure to check out the Just Be Purses Facebook page HERE and go see them in person at Logan's SummerFest on June 18-20.  It is their only show this summer so be sure to visit!  Thank you for your continued support of our cause; I love your work & message.  

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R (and L, too)

Follow me on Facebook HERE, Instagram and Twitter (@beyoudesignut).