lemons to lemonade.

Once upon a time I made the leap of faith to leave a career that was sucking the life out of me. Little did I know that the next two years would be the BIGGEST lemons to lemonade object lesson of my life.  Wait, what?  I thought having straight-up clinical depression at 19 was that event in my life?  Or maybe fearing kitchen knives and necklaces because my anxiety was so high while in therapy?  Nope.  This.  Leaving a career and everything that followed has literally changed me, but for the better.  So, let's talk about that and how I've managed to turn my bushel of lemons to a grand pitcher of tasty lemonade.

If we are being totally raw and real, I will confess that there was absolutely NO other option, but to leave my previous career.  It was pretty much awful towards the end.  I was working for a person who was dishonest and didn't respect women. Plus, there were a lot of politics that didn't bode well for me.  I was miserable and stressed out of my mind.  I was presented with an opportunity to do what I loved so I took the risk and did it while taking a pay cut and all that went with leaving 11 years in a single industry.  It put me in the path of some of the best business people I've ever worked with, but also some on the other side of the spectrum.  Lemons to lemonade meant focusing on the people I loved working with and trying to tune out the others.  Not easy.  Believe me.  I opened up a part of my heart and soul that was passionate about doing the best possible thing with what I was given and I did just that.  I taught myself how to do things "the hard way" and succeed.  What I didn't know was this path was leading me in a direction of far bigger and much harder things.

One of the biggest challenges in life is to see the sunshine in our storm.  It's even harder when you already have a tendency for depression.  My mental health struggles started out because of female-plumbing-gone-haywire mixed with pressure on the homefront, but as I've aged and learned how to deal with that part, I've gotten better at managing it.  When my depression LOVES to show up to the party is in stressful situations or seasonal times of the year when the days are shorter and colder. Those are my triggers.  So, when I was suddenly presented with situations due to "doing what would make me happier" that were ultra shitty, the big D waltzed his way in too.  Yes, he is male.  No, I'm not being a feminist man-hater bitch.  Just roll with it.  Overbearing depression and anxiety are the party crashers that no one wants to ever see, but they still manage to show up.  But we have to face them and treat them with kindness because that's what ultimately sends them away.  Let them eat some appetizers, have a couple drinks and then they will go away.  And suddenly I've made depression sound like a bad wedding reception.

I have learned that the BEST way to make lemons to lemonade is to really take the advice "mind over matter" to heart.  Vision boards are not all smoke and mirrors, my lovelies.  When we visualize the other side of the trial we can get through the here and now so much better.  Having the vision doesn't mean that it's going to just poof itself away, but it means that we have our eye on the positive and can focus on it for as long as we need to.  It still means we will have "ugly cry" days and "step-away-from-the-chocolate-and-Diet-Coke-before-I-kill-you" days, but we get through them.

This past weekend I went to a business conference that my friends put together.  It was seriously one of the best experiences for me, both personally and professionally.  When it was done, I was on cloud nine for a long list of reasons.  I felt empowered, loved and appreciated. It was my lemonade for the last 2 years of utter hell of leaving a stable, yet shitty career, and becoming who I am meant to be.  However, I could not have been sitting in that room enjoying that surreal moment unless I had been in my previous career.  My knowledge, experiences and connections put me in that path.  150%.  In fact, my dear friend who was one of the event organizers was one of the best business risks I took in my previous career path.  She and I met sight-unseen after emailing each other on LinkedIn.  We still call each other the best blind business date we've ever been on.  I adore her and she has put me in the path of so many incredible people who have brought opporutnity and happiness to my life.  Lemons to lemonade.  Completely.  One of the speakers at the event was Olympic bronze medalist, Allison Baver.  Allison was in a horrific speedskating accident before the Vancouver Winter Olympics and her will to heal led her back to full health and she went on to win a bronze medal.  She shared the following quote with us and it really resonated with me.

Our mind can change the course of life, good or bad.  How are we choosing to treat it and how are we choosing to interpret life and its challenges?  For every trial, there are five things we can be grateful for sitting right in front of our face.  Each and every time we recognize the blessings we are keeping our brain on course to determine our outcome for the better. I can't begin to tell you the number of nights I have prayed with gratitude for my bed, the safety of my home, a warm bath, grilled cheese sandwiches and that the day was over.  5 things to be grateful for to every crappy thing.  Try it!  It works wonders!

One of the best cards I received last year was from my dear friend Mel.  It went something like this, "well lemons to lemonade, even if it's a 6 pack of hard lemonade."  At that point I probably could have drank a few hard lemonades, but I didn't, and I pulled myself up and got through the challenge that warranted her card.

I have resolved to further continue my quest for lemons to lemonade in some ways that are SO exciting yet SO terrifying because they expose more vulnerability and make my stomach jump.  But, I'm going to do it and I'm going to succeed just like I already have.

The moral of the story: When life hands you lemons, break out the juicer, throw in some extra suga (or maybe vodka) and have a party in spite of the storm!  You can totally do it!

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Be sure to check out the biz side of "Let It Be & Celebrate" by visiting www.beyoudesignsut.co

Static: Tune It Out.

Time has a way of flying by at warp speed and I don't realize how fast my spaceship of crazy is actually going until I look at a calendar and let it all sink in.  To say life has been hectic since last we met, is an understatement.  I am a broken record.  Much of my blog in the last 18 months coincided with some really challenging times as a grown-up.  Adulting sucks at times and finding reasons to love and appreciate trials is basically the hardest thing you can have handed to you.  And the longer those trials drag on, the harder it gets.  But, I've learned a few new coping skills that I want to share with all of you so that maybe one of you, maybe more, will take comfort in my crazy and know that there is sunshine on the other side of that shit storm you feel like is NEVER GOING TO END.  

Small Blessings Are Huge Answers to Prayers: I am so grateful to know that I can pray to a God who I know is aware of me and loves me, in spite of my long list of imperfections.  Even when I'm making choices that some might raise their eyebrows at, He is always right there by my side, quietly guiding my footsteps towards my destiny. When I chose to uproot my life in Utah, I knew that the transition was going to be hard.  But, that was when I had it all mapped out and everything was planned in a perfect little way and I could handle THAT.  Well, then my plot had a big fat twist in it and everything went exactly the opposite of what I thought I wanted.  Little did I know that this breaking of my perfect pieces meant that I could be put back together and healed.  I beat myself up over finally being honest with someone who I thought I loved and they did nothing.  Their silence, their utter weakness, felt like it was my fault.  It was not.  It is not.  He's an idiot.  I'm better off.  The end.  The letting go was a small blessing, but a huge answer to a tough prayer to utter.  I purged my hate disguised as love and moved forward.

Turn off the Static: Growing up in Southeastern Montana meant a lot of time on the road with no radio stations.  This was the era of cassette tapes aka no smart phones or bluetooth, so it could get a little interesting if you had a long distance to drive and only so many tapes.  It was rare that I would just allow myself to drive in silence because I was always afraid I would fall asleep at the wheel because of the boredom of quiet.  Fast-forwarding to present day and I still find myself hitting patches of road here in Idaho where there are no radio stations; just static.  Even though I have my trusty iPhone with Pandora and iTunes, they only work if I have cell service which is still spotty.  Because of this fact, I now allow myself to drive in silence at times.  I allow the static to be silenced.  Our lives are like that too.  Many times we want to have the noise all the time.  Noise means our brain is focused on something else.  Noise means we don't have to cope.  Noise means masking reality.  But, if we will turn off the static in our lives and let our heart and mind drink in the peace of quiet, we will discover parts of our soul that hasn't seen the light of day in a VERY long time.  Parts of our soul that need way more nurturing than we give credit.  I found a lost part of my soul when I turned off the noise and centered back to my heart and what it really needed and it was a remarkable breakthrough for me.

Look to the Light of Family & Friends: At one point this year there were three people in my immediate family without work; I was one of them.  If you've never experienced the stress of unemployment I pray you don't have to experience it EVER.  It's rough.  It's just not pleasant.  However, it has taught me to turn to the light that is family and friends.  The list of blessings is vast, but I could not have survived without countless FaceTime calls with my Colorado loves, the GIANT warm chocolate chip cookie that showed up on my doorstep one day, the encouraging words nearly every day, and the opportunity to cry when I needed to cry.  That run-on sentence can't be broken because it truly symbolizes that I kept moving.  I kept holding on when I wanted to break up with my crappy life.  But, I didn't. I kept going.  My version of moving forward soon became known as "Ray the Neigborhood Nanny." A smidge of magical Mary Poppins, a smidge of sassy swearing sailor, a bit of old-fashioned school marm and an enabler of soda fountain mixed drinks addictions. It was the SWEET life and I felt loved and needed and that was the glue putting my pieces back together.  Plus now my besties kids LOVE me.  More than they already did.  It's awesome.  I conned my niece with the promise of Starbucks tonight!  Muwhahahahahahaha, Neighborhood Nanny is also a bit of a villain.  That's the redheaded older sister in me.

Tell Yourself, "It Will Be Ok." and Believe It: I have a sister who hates quotes on signs or the wall.  It's super trendy these days, especially in Utah, and she is a ranty rage when we ask her if she wants a quote on her dining room wall.  I, on the other hand, welcome all the wordsy reminders I can get, to help me stay calm and practice true self-care.  When I lived in Ogden, my bathroom mirror was "words of affirmation" central.  I put them in the bathroom because I spent a lot of time in there getting ready for the day and that's when I needed to remind myself that everything would be ok.  The more I walked in my bathroom and read my own affirmations out loud, the more I believed it.  The brain is a powerful tool.  It can either help or hurt you.  Now that my bathroom is a shared space and upstairs, I have my affirmations tacked on my bedroom wall and I still read them daily.  It did turn out, I did get the good job, and whoever the future baby daddy is actually supposed to be; he is out there in the universe being groomed to what I need most.  But, he better not shave off his beard or I'm folding on that birthing plan.

This little bloggy blog is my place to share some sunshine and I hope that it can continue to be that for my readers as well.  I want you all to know that we CAN face the shit storm with humor, poise and faith.  And when all else fails, just remember....

The moral of the story: You can always be the neighborhood nanny to someone and lend your time and love in times of need, both for you and them.

Until next time, my lovelies
-R

Be sure to check out the biz side of "Let It Be & Celebrate" by visiting www.beyoudesignsut.co

Perspective Changes Our View.

This week I've been very blessed to have some lessons that taught me how important it is to focus on the perspective of life's events. Many times we get so caught up in our vortex of struggle that we take a "woe is me" and "why the hell does this have to happen" and we forget that EVERYTHING in our life happens with purpose and perspective.  In the grand scheme of things, events that we may deem catastrophic or life-altering are probably that way, in our eyes. so that our path and our brain gets the remodel that it needs.  I have to remind myself that I am in the thick of the story, between my "once upon a time" and "happily ever after", and it may seem like the story will never end, but I'm actually creating a sub-plot of grand proportions that will still change me if I will let it.

One of the greatest blessings in my life are my friends.  I have stellar friends all over the country.  During my latest bump in the road of life, I've been strengthened by so many in their own way.  Notes in the mail, private messages on Facebook, phone conversations for HOURS where I do most of the talking and they do the listening and encouraging.  This keeps me going.  One friend in particular has given me such strength and I wanted to share her story with all of you.  I asked for her permission and due to the nature of her employment, she will remain nameless.  A couple of weeks ago, she experienced something in her job that was LIFE CHANGING for her and it brought a perspective that altered her outlook.  It was so "catastrophic" that she wrote about it and sent it to her mother.  Because of the magnitude of my bumpy reality, she knew I would appreciate this story and chose to share it with me as well.  It is not for the weak of heart, a real life "Grey's Anatomy" scene, but is powerful and I asked if I could feature it on my blog.  Her words are filled with faith in life and faith in God and yet her life is still not perfect.  However, she keeps perspective at the forefront of her life and because of that she blesses those around her, including me, with a deep appreciation for the sanctity, simplicity and delicacy of life.  Thank you dear friend, for sharing this with me and letting me share it with the world.

Journal Entry dated 9 April 2016

"I’ve been told that when a crisis hits, I will know what to do, that I will surprise myself and do better than I think. “You’ve been trained. You know what to do. It will come naturally.”

Right…

I’ve always thought that this was a bunch of bunk. When moderate crisis have hit at the hospital, I have found myself struggling with suppressing my own emotions, with hands shaking so violently that I can barely use them, and a brain that seems to screech to a halt. It takes all of my energy to keep from crying as I feel, much too deeply, what the family might be feeling.

I don’t want to be the family member being whooshed from the room while a flock of medical people come crashing in to save the day. It just seems too dramatic, too intense…too real.

Before I left for work yesterday, I took a moment to pray. “Heavenly Father, please help me to have a good day. Please help me to know what to do. Please help me to find someone to serve.” I had a good day, (Check!) I knew what to do, (Double check!), and I’m pretty sure I served someone who needed me. I’m just not exactly sure who that person was.

“Code Blue, CT. Code Blue, CT. Code Blue, CT.” paged loud overhead for all to hear. By the tone of the overhead page it was clear that this was not a drill.

I walked out of the break room and asked “Who’s the Team Lead today?”

“You are.”

“I am? Oh shit.” (Yes, I really did say this….sorry!)

I grabbed our heavy crash cart, stocked full of life saving supplies, and pushed it as fast as I could down the long corridor. The closer I got to the CT room, the more my heart started to pound. I was worried that my brain would screech to a halt and that I wouldn’t know what to do. So I paused. Well, at least my brain paused, as I rushed down the hallway.

“Heavenly Father, this is the real deal. I am in charge, and I need your help. Please help me to be calm. Please help me to know what to do.  Please help me to do my job. I’ve never done this before!”

Overwhelming peace and clarity instantly filled my body. My hands did not shake.
My brain did not falter.  I knew I was prepared, well, at least as prepared as one can ever be. I felt relaxed. Really relaxed.

It’s a hard thing, walking into a room, with a man laying on a table, his face so blue that it is nearly black. Doctors counting out the rhythm as they pound on his chest, “one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight...” It’s a hard thing to see the blood pooling in his mouth, blood pooling on his chest as doctors race to put in chest tubes, and watching the respiratory crew struggle to help him to breath with blood gushing out of his breathing tubes. And it’s a hard thing to know that through this all, even with two doctors and two anesthesia providers in the room, I am in charge.

I have never done this before.

My mind has been thinking about this scenario over and over, trying to make sense of things. It isn’t the blood that spattered the wall, the compressions that crushed his ribs, the “Everyone CLEAR! Shocking the patient in three, two, one!” that I had to call out, or the “Resume compressions!” that I’ve been mulling over.  It isn’t seeing the wife’s face as she calmly came in to touch her husband and say a brief prayer before his barely alive body was shipped to the ICU that I’ve been thinking about. Or her calm face as she thanked each one of us, almost individually, before walking away. It certainly hasn’t been the unusual way this code had to proceed due to the individual circumstances that lead to this man’s unfortunate day. And it hasn’t been the bloody footprints that we left in the room after everything had been cleaned, the final bit of evidence to our attempts at saving his life.

My mind can’t stop wondering about my reaction to it all. Why do I feel so calm?

Why am I not a basket case? I’ve been mulling it over in my mind, around and around, because I am worried that something is wrong with me. Shouldn’t I be devastated? Shouldn’t I cry, even a little? Shouldn’t I be a little bit traumatized? A wife just saw her husband’s unconscious body be taken to the ICU, know that this is probably it, as in the “It”, “The end”, or as I like to call it the “See you laters”.  Hollywood couldn’t have made the scene any more dramatic than it was.

Did he survive? Did he live?

That is the question that everyone asks. It wasn’t until becoming a nurse that I realized that “Did he survive?” and “Did he live?” have many layers and nuances. It’s like shades of a color. Is turquoise still blue? Yes, but not exactly.

So to answer the question, yes, he survived, at least at time of transport. His heart was beating. He was maintaining his blood pressure. He was even trying, in a small way, to breath on his own. His skin had even returned to a much more comfortable shade of pale pink. Was he alive? Yes. Is he alive?

I don’t know if he will ever leave the hospital. I don’t know if he will ever be able to hug his wife in this life. I don’t know if he will ever go home with his family. But I do know that he lives! No matter what happens to his body, his spirit is still alive.

And now as I write this, the tears suddenly fall.

Administration patted me on the back telling me “That was one of the best codes we have seen,” and were shocked when I told them that this was my first (I did see CPR one other time).  My other code team members said “Wow. You were so calm. You are an amazing team leader. You should run all of our codes.” and “You sounded and looked like you have run a hundred codes” when I confessed that this was my first.

Why was it that I was so calm? That I was able to very competently do my job, despite the horrific scene in front of me? A co-worker quietly asked me later that night, “Did you feel the help from the other side in the room with us? There were a lot of [heavenly] helpers in there.” It wasn’t until that moment that I realized the magnitude of help we had been given. I asked that morning to find someone to serve, not expecting to be the one served, but for that, I am feeling eternally grateful."

The moral of the story: No matter how hard life gets, keep perspective. Perspective will keep us breathing and facing our challenges with a miraculous sense of peace and calm.  I know it, my friend knows it and I hope that you can find it for you when you need it most.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Be sure to check out the biz side of "Let It Be & Celebrate" by visiting www.beyoudesignsut.co

Yes To Life.

Last week I mentioned that I recently finished reading the book, "The Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand in the Sun and Be Your Own Person" by Shonda Rhimes.  What an incredibly inspiring book!  I couldn't take notes fast enough, but I managed to jot down some of the things she wrote that really struck chords inside my soul.  It is kind of surreal what has transpired in my life since I listened to this book because much of what she said about taking risks and being brave is now applying to me on so many levels.

Shonda Rhimes is one of the most successful, smartest, bad ass women in Hollywood.  She is the genius behind McSteamy, McDreamy (MY personal favorite and totally on the Top 5 Hotties List) and some of the most poignant and deeply passionate fictional characters on ABC television.  But, did you know that she is also an introvert of extreme proportions, a single mother of 3 daughters through adoption, and her best friend is actually one of her television characters?  'Tis true.  She is just as deeply complex as her television characters and that is why her shows are so popular across the demographics.  Here are a few things I picked up while listening to the audio book.

Parties make everything better. If you are a frequent viewer of Shonda's shows, you know that she is big on parties.  There is always a reason for celebration and a reason to dance, even if it is surviving a long grueling day in the ER of Seattle Grace.  This philosophy on life stems from Shonda's childhood.  She grew up in a very loving family with a mom and dad who were the poster-perfect sweethearts and parents and they always had a reason for celebration. I also love a good reason to celebrate and find comfort in a good party, even if it is something as simple as a tasty drink and delicious dinner out with friends after a challenging day of life.  There is always always a reason to celebrate.  We can celebrate living each day we open our eyes again.

The nothingness of terror stole all the fun. Because of her intense introverted personality, Shonda turned down countless interviews and appearances because her fear paralyzed her ability to do something new.  She was WELL in to her television empire with Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice before she had this epiphany year of yes. When she decided that she would say yes to life, it also meant that she had to face her fear and start stepping out of her comfort zone and making appearances to promote and celebrate her success.  One of the first scheduled appearances was speaking at her Alma Mater, Dartmouth College, for their commencement exercises.  I was able to listen to the live version of this in the audio book and it brought tears to my eyes.  I was driving across east Idaho and almost had to pull over just to listen and cry. I have felt a lot of fear and unrest in the last 2 years of my life.  Even in the last 2 weeks of my life, I've thought "what the hell just happened....PLOT TWIST!"  We can all do hard things even when we think we are completely incapable of doing it.

Here is the YouTube video of Shonda's address at Dartmouth.  Please take the time to watch it.  It is amazing.

Power pose like Wonder Woman.This was such a hilarious part of the book. She gave numerous "statistics" about standing in the position of power like Wonder Woman does when she is about to save the world.  She was 100% sure that it had changed the course of her own life and I have since tried it and I know that it helped me feel like I could accomplish a few lofty tasks.

Life is hard, but hard is relative. Many times we are faced with trials that may seem similar, but really they are 100% different.  I am feeling this on a very personal level right now and I can attest to my current challenges being so very different than the others.  Yes, the common denominator is there, but the circumstances and surroundings are different and much much better in more ways than they are worse.  Life is WAY hard, but somehow, the hard part seems to diminish itself when we turn to our tribe and to God to carry us on the days when we just can't do it anymore.  I am so grateful for a tribe that includes some new faces and lacks some others.  The level of difficulty of life is truly relative and it eases up when we turn over our faith to God and let others serve us in small, but simple ways as well as in very large, critical ways.  Lemons to lemonade can mean so many different things depending on the time of day, the severity of the trial and the types of people we are surrounded by as we keep swimming.

Find a cause you love, focus on something outside of yourself; hashtags aren't a movement.  She spent a lot of time talking about finding a cause that you are passionate about and changing the world.  She was very specific in stating that just because we hashtag a photo on social media for a cause does NOT mean that we are moving mountains to improve something.  We need to get out of our seats, open our mouths and help others around us who have it far worse than we do.  This is such an important part of my life.  I am a non-profit guru because I have felt the immense healing power that comes when I step outside my complicated brain and look for ways to help others.  If there is cause to aide at-risk children, I am on it.  My mamma bear instincts are fiercely present in my non-profit work because I know that it is so important to protect our rising generation and it also fills a void in my heart as I wait to be a mom to my own kiddos.

The air you are breathing is rare air; appreciate it.  Every day is a gift from God.  For those of us who live in countries that are modernized we often take for granted the gift it is to breathe clean air.  We are so damn lucky to live in peace and harmony with medical care that is as advanced as its ever been and to have clean tap water and food that doesn't rot our insides.  We are damn lucky to have the opportunity to vote, get a post-secondary education and work in occupations that require us to use our brains.  As you read this blog, there are men, women and children who are starving and laying their heads on dirt floors wondering if they will wake up tomorrow, will have food to eat and if their babies will live another day in such dire circumstances.  There are women who are self mutilating their reproductive organs so they don't bleed anymore and lose their jobs because they are unable to have the sanitation products to remedy their condition.  There are orphans who spend countless nights wondering if anyone will ever love them and care for them other than some strangers in the other room.  Thank your lucky stars for the rare air you breathe.

You find your magic and I'll find mine. How many times have you got stuck in the vortex of unsolicited opinions? The trip to Target that should take 10 minutes and mean peace in the dollar bins section turns in to  20 questions about why you're not breast feeding your next baby?  Or, my absolute FAVORITE, when asked why you aren't dating anyone or starting a family and that time is ticking and you won't have as much time to make babies if you don't get to it.  So, ya, here's the deal....according to Shonda.....we all need to have the attitude of "you find your magic and I'll find mine." As you can imagine, a woman who has willingly chosen to be a single parent through adoption has had her fair share of unwelcome opinions.  She finally got to the point that she had to say, "I'm living my life and you live yours." This has been a really life-changing philosophy for me since I went to organized therapy.  I have a few souls in my life, who will remain nameless, who have bombarded me with opinion over the years.  As if their spewing nonsense is a magic equation that will change the course of my life. I am doing the best I can and so are you so how about we support each other and love each other unconditionally and live how we see fit.  

It's not diversity; it's called normalizing.  This portion of the book was one that really struck chords for me. She talked about an awards ceremony that she spoke at which honored diversity in the LGBT community as portrayed on television and in the movies.  During the speech she said that many times people have thanked and praised her for writing television characters that are so diverse, complex, twisted and vulnerable.  She also said that she will correct people and say that she is not bringing diversity to television, but she is normalizing television.  She is bringing to her viewers what they see in actual life.  She is bringing characters who struggle with sexuality, PTSD, infertility, death, birth, alcoholism, addiction and the list goes on and on and on.  THAT is life.  THAT is our reality.  We are HUMANS with beating hearts.  We all struggle.  We all wish we had something better.  Her goal in each of her shows is to not just have the token black alcoholic who is in senior management of a hospital, or a gay Republican who can't admit who he loves or an Asian feminist who finds the most satisfaction in her career, not a relationship or even the Caucasian dream boat who may be a pretty face, but is just as imperfect as his seemingly less attractive counterparts.  She portrays people as they are in actual life.  She wants people to feel that their tribe is waiting when they turn on the TV on Thursday nights or as they're binge watching on Netflix. To further explain this point, I found a outstanding video of Kerry Washington speaking about her experience working in ShondaLand (the name of Shonda Rhimes' company) that I thought explained this philosophy so beautifully.  It is much shorter than the commencement address from above, so please take six minutes to watch it.

Hate diminishes, love expands.  As a black female, Shonda is very familiar with the hate that is ever present when people who are different are in the room.  As a child she was often bullied and mocked for her weirdness and her coping mechanism was writing.  She often found solace in her characters and would sort out her thoughts by writing characters that were dealing with similar struggles.  I'm a big advocate for journaling in the therapy and coping process for similar reasons. I have calmed my brain down many times by writing out the "plot" of my life and the characters in it and sorting out the story on paper.  Somehow doing it on paper and pulling it out of my brain makes it turn from an emotional thought to an analytical equation that I will either solve or will not solve.  I thank God daily for a therapist that encouraged me to journal this way because it has served me well many times over the years.  Shonda's favorite character is Cristina Yang from Grey's Anatomy.  The reasons are many and I won't give it all away because the insight she shares about Cristina are really beautiful and you should read the book!  But, I will say this, it made so much more sense why she wrote Cristina as a fiercely driven and passionate feminist because she needed a way to sort her own thoughts.  She also shared that Cristina was one of her best friends over the years because her plot lines helped Shonda work through a lot of her personal struggles.

I hope that we can all take something from these thoughts from The Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand in the Sun and Be Your Own Person" by Shonda Rhimes.  Upon finishing this book, it promptly went on my list of "MUST listen to annually" books because it had a zen-like power on my brain because I related to her struggles and passion very much.  Life is dang hard, but life is also so beautiful and full of love and simple joys.

The moral of the story: Keep fighting, keep speaking your mind for the causes you love, and keep saying yes to life!

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R

Be sure to check out the biz side of "Let It Be & Celebrate" by visiting www.beyoudesignsut.co

Oh, The Places.

Last week many elementary schools in the United States celebrated the birth of Dr. Seuss with a day dedicated to his books and beloved characters. Social media was overflowing with cute art projects, soldier dads reading to classrooms full of kids and lots of quotable quotes from the good man himself.  As I enjoyed the total cuteness of Dr. Suess kiddo fandom, I was reminded of a Dr. Seuss book that continues to influence me even as a grown-up.  The book is, "Oh, the Places You'll Go!"

Who doesn't love Dr. Seuss and his quirky characters and perspective on life?  I loved sharing my thoughts on the Grinch last Christmas.  However, this book definitely takes the front row seat of favorites for me.  "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" was published in 1990 and was Dr. Suess' last published work. It was a deeply introspective book that touched many the minute it hit the bookshelves. I was lucky enough to receive a copy of the book from a family friend when I graduated from high school. She had personalized the book with photos from my childhood and teen years to go along with the words. It meant a lot to me, but I really had NO CLUE what places I would really go, literally and figuratively.

Fast forward 15+ years and here I am at a crossroads of life. I wouldn't categorize it as a mid-life crisis because it is far from what I define as a crisis. If anything it is a time of rebirth, redefining and fine tuning. Added to this mix is the experiences my family is having as my youngest sister finishes up her college education and anxiously awaits to graduate from college.  She and I have always been very close and I am almost a second mom (but cooler and mouthier) so I've had some mamma bear sentimental moments with her. She's my kid sister, not this gorgeous grown-up woman. She and I have talked a lot about what is ahead of her and what her plans for the future include. She is MUCH wiser and more sound with her finances than I ever was or will be, but she still experiences a lot of fear of the future like any normal, yet crazy senior in college. She shared some sentiments on Facebook last night that I really loved and had to laugh about because I remember being in her shoes, except Facebook was still being created and the entire universe didn't know I felt this way. She said, "Whoa. It just hit me that I'm turning 22 this year. What the heck happened to, oh, I don't know, my WHOLE LIFE? Oh, the things I have seen and done. There is really nothing that special about turning 22. It's all like, "Congratulations for settling in to your twenties. Enjoy them while you can 'cause before you know it, you'll be turning 30!" Great. Thanks, Karma. I'll try to remember that." I quickly replied by saying, "Enjoy each moment. I spent a lot of my 20's hating life and wishing for something better."

I often think about what I would tell my 22 year old self.  It's basically what I am telling my almost 22 year old sister. There are a few other things that are deeply personal and not meant for the public eye, but I really do think about what I could have done better.  It took me a good 10 years to embrace my imperfections and cut out the noise of those around me telling me what they thought I should be or do. I rang in my 30's not caring one damn bit about what people thought I should be doing, but I was still an internal mess.  I was coming off of two years of crazy tough therapy as well as an awful job that took its toll emotionally and a relationship that nearly suffocated my soul. Every year of my 30's has been a HUGE year of growth and I can honestly say that last year could not have been survived without the years that lead up to it to prepare me for battle.  BUT, that still doesn't negate how excruciatingly hard it has been to recover and grow. But, life goes on and I feel so much happiness as I discover new places to visit and new adventures to start.  And it doesn't hurt that we have KILLER sunsets in the country.  How can I NOT thank God for the stunning view????

The following passage from Dr. Seuss' book really hit close to my heart because of the many adventures I've had in my 30's.  It says,

"Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And then things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too."

I love this so much! Things can happen and they WILL. I, along with the rest of humanity, dream of having a magic wand to change our circumstances, but that's impossible. Each of the places we go in our lives are with much purpose and intended for growth. Growth is best achieved when we are forced to dig our way out of the dark and find the sunshine again.  Each of the places I've been in my life have brought incredible friends to my circle and critical lessons. Last night at dinner I laughed with my bestie and her husband and mused that if she'd had a perfect marriage with her first husband then she wouldn't know me. Her shit storm became my sunshine and 12 years later we still continue to reminisce on those crazy early days of our friendship and what we've weathered together.

As things start to happen for me here in my new home, I am filled with a TON of peace and happiness that I survived last year, both emotionally and financially, and that I was brave enough to take a chance on a place that is not what I expected it to be. I'm excited to discover new places here in Idaho that I've never been to before.  The next couple of weeks include a lot of travel for work and I'm stoked to see new places, try new restaurants and bask in the beauty of nature.  I'm also excited to plan some vacations that have been dreams for YEARS and treat myself to places that I've always held back for the "what if" scenarios of my life. The time is now for Miss Ray to ENJOY her life and show some self love and care.  That is truly the best place for me to be.  Too many years have been about others first and me second.  I can't do it anymore and that's OK. So off to paradise I will go.....fa reals.

The moral of the story: even the brainy people have to use their footsies to make shit happen.  Find your happy place and GET THERE already!

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Life's Meaning.

Not long ago I was talking about riding on the terror-inducing roller coaster at Lagoon and how I looked my fears in the face and with my best friend by my side, said 'why the hell not?' and took my first (and maybe last) ride.

Well, my life's meaning and its SUPER chain of events, twists and turns continues, but I am happy to report that I CAN see my silver linings -- plural. Why you ask?  A boatload of faith, prayer and a heightened understanding of finding meaning in life because I read the book "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor E. Frankl.

I was raised in a very devout Mormon family, but I was blessed to be exposed to a number of different religions and their beliefs and lifestyles.  I've always been fascinated by the intense devotion that is shown by Catholics, Jews and Muslims, to name a few.  For me, I always thought my religion had a lot to embrace and keep track of to be a "good Mormon" but I was and continue to be inspired by my friends who are devout to their beliefs. Judaism, in particular, is a religion that has always peeked my interest.  Maybe it's because of "Fiddler on The Roof" or Ross Gellar singing "Dreidel, Dreidel" in an aardvark costume, but it's probably because of my extensive research of the second World War and the persecution towards the Jewish people. When my lovely friend Amanda recommended this book I was going through a royal shit storm of all shit storms.  She shared with me that this book was written by a Jewish psychiatrist who survived living in the Nazi concentration camps and wrote this book to share his theories on coping and survival under the bleakest of circumstances.  At the time I tried to read it and the raw, tragic details and realities of the concentration camps was just too much.  However, I was not in the right place and when I was faced with the last curve ball of my life, I picked the book up and hardly put it down. I could write a LOT about the wonderful gems that caught my eye, but I will only cover a few to wet your whistle. I told Amanda that this book was like a good solid therapy session for me.

When I was reading this book I had to have a pen handy so I could underline all the things I wanted to remember.  I rarely share my books with another person because I don't want their mind to be drawn away from what it's supposed to glean from the words because the reader is looking at my notes.  Above is a quote that is truly profound.  Transforming our personal tragedies into triumphs.  What does that even mean?  Where on earth can we find the triumph in losing a job unexpectedly, a spouse losing the brave, warrior fight with cancer, or a child going to heaven before it could come home from the hospital with his mom and dad? How?  Well, that's where the miracle comes into play.  What I have found for me is a chat with myself (and then God, in prayer) that goes something like this, "I am so not thrilled with how this has turned out, however, I know that there is a reason.  Even though I can't see the reason this very second because I'm a sniveling, crying mess, I'm still going to tell myself that it was with reason."  Dr. Frankl talks about this a lot in his book...hence the title....and he often referenced people he knew in concentration camps who could bear gruesome conditions and brutality none of us can imagine because their lot in life was to find triumph in the tragedy.  I can't even imagine.  To say I was humbled by the stories he told would be an understatement.

Life really is a time for us to take control and work it out.  I hate to say it, but sometimes we just have to put on our tough kid cape and deal like a super hero. Many times dealing means having a brutal, yet loving reality check with ourselves (and God, in my case) and then using our brains to decipher the emotions from the solutions and then move forward.  As much as I would LOVE to lay in my bed with the covers over my head, I know that can only last so long before I go way cray and say to myself, "ok, Raylynn, you need to adult.  Like for reals, not the fake kind."  No matter our religious background or belief in a certain God, we all have a soul and a spirit inside of us that speaks to our heart and gives us the direction we need to live life to its fullest.  Dr. Frankl talked about prisoners who would get very creative with what little they had to cope and survive. He talked about the brain's ability to survive WAY more than we think it can because we have an innate sense of survival as human beings.  Absolutely beautiful, if you ask me and I've experienced it more times than I care to admit.

The will to live. For many it is difficult.  For many it is impossible.  It is tragic when someone is in a situation with the perception that their life is worthless.  What can we do to find the will when life is dark and sad and hopeless?  What did the concentration camp prisoners do?  They hid photos of their kids and spouses in their clothes, but most times they played mental videos of their perfect life at home.  It broke my heart to read the accounts of men (he only referenced men because they were segregated in the camps) who would talk about their beautiful wives and children and their homes and warm beds almost constantly.  Even in their delusional, malnourished state, they could almost always remember bits and pieces of the life they had before they were imprisoned.  He gave some staggering statistics about the survival rates of men who kept their brain and heart moving by remembering the "good old times" vs. the men who gave up and had a bad attitude and no hope for survival.  Our ultimate goal in life is to have the why so we can survive the how.  Why do you live?  Who do you live for?  The first thing that popped in my mind were the four little humans who call me aunt.  They are my sunshine and I am forever grateful that God has blessed me to be a part of their lives.  I live for them.  I absolutely do.  I also live for my future children who deserve to have a mother who was tough as nails in crappy, hard times and didn't give up.

As I said before, I wish I could share every single note and thought I had while I read this book, but then you wouldn't have a reason to read it and that is not OK.  If I haven't convinced you to read this amazing little book yet, I hope this last thought will.  The perfect race.  Ugh.  It breaks my heart over and over when I think about the underlying cause for the concentration camps and why Hitler's reign was one of the most tragic events in history.  In his mind, he had somehow deduced that there was only one perfect race and that Jews were not included.  How's that for a holocaust definition in one sentence?  Dr. Frankl shared his theory on race by dividing it in to two: decent and indecent. In a very real sense he saw this day after day in the concentration camps. There were extremely indecent Nazi soldiers who did inhumane things to the prisoners, but there were also those who were still human with hearts and took risks to help those prisoners they were keen on. Additionally, there were decent and indecent Jews living in the camps. Those who held the hand of their fellow prisoner when he was dying of a contagious fever so he didn't feel alone when he passed away. We are constantly bombarded with labels. I'm a better person because I have this or I attend this church or I have this skin color or I have this sexual preference.  Stop that. Stop it now. Are you a decent human being or aren't you?  That's the real question and we should all be able to give the answer for ourselves.

I am a better person for reading this book about the meaning of life and how those who had it far worse than I ever will found a way to embrace their triumph in the midst of tragedy.  I say it over and over that we can do hard things but it is TRUE! Put those reminders on the bathroom mirror that life will turn out for the better and that God has a plan and say them out loud to yourself every single time you see them.

The moral of the story: Figure out your why so that you can survive the how. Have a prayer in your heart that the peace will reside inside while the chaos continues outside.  Keep the faith.  Don't give up.

Until next time, my lovelies.
-R

My Reality.

Happy Friday, my lovelies!  What a week!  I finished Amy Purdy's book "On My Own Two Feet" and it was incredibly well-written and inspiring.  I couldn't put it down.  I am not a reader.  I get frustrated with not being able to see the book in my cave-dark bedroom (old lady eyes), but I have read more since I got my iPad mini because it has a back light...it's the simple joys of technology.  This book though, I purchased in "real book" form because I knew I would want to highlight and mark pages and I was right.  As I was reading the final few chapters and especially the epilogue I was moved to share some things with all of you that I haven't shared in depth up to this point.

 

The quote above was from one of the final chapters. After reading Amy's story of losing her legs, having a kidney transplant, learning to walk again, learning to dance again, opening a successful non-profit, and most of all learning to snowboard as a double amputee and later competing in the Paraolympics, I was floored when she said this quote.  I am not a snowboarder and part of the reason is I am scared as hell of those big fat rocks that are secretly hiding under the glistening powder that cause people to go flying, bust up their helmet and have traumatic brain injury.  But then I read this quote and it donned on me...uh, hello, Raylynn, you have your own set of hidden death boulders and it's called depression.  Oh snap.  I just said the D word.  Now that I've said, we must speak of it. 

 

Over the years I have had some c-razy bouts with depression.  It started when I was 19 and I was prescribed birth control for ovarian cysts.  My doctor assumed that I would be like any other woman and my body would just adjust like normal and I would be fine.  What happened was one of THE most terrifying and hopeless times of my life.  I kid you not.  I laid awake at night staring at the ceiling wondering if I was going to make it another day, praying I would fall asleep and it would be gone and then as soon as the sun came up all I wanted to do was crawl under my covers and sleep.  I would dry heave in the morning when I tried to brush my teeth and I had no appetite.  I lost 50 pounds in 6 months.  It was almost like I was pregnant.  HORRIBLE.  Depression is the biggest freaking paradox around.  When you absolutely want to cut yourself off from civilization is when you absolutely NEED to be in civilization and around people who love you.  It is the most painful awful realization because that is the ONLY way you can kick yourself out of it.  And even when you do force yourself out of bed to interact with other warm bodies, it doesn't automatically mean it's going to go away.  It takes time and effort and prayer and many times medication. 

 

One of the main things I learned from that first terrifying rounds of depression were my triggers.  It would still take me about 10 years to really get it down, but little by little I learned what set me off.  At the top of that list is sleep.  As soon as the sleep deprivation happens I can almost guarantee that I will slip into a funk.  It's like clock work and it scares me.  I am almost a habitual napper just so that it doesn't happen.  True story.  I also have learned that I need regroup time.  When a crazy day has happened or something catastrophic has happened in my life or those around me I need quiet time.  I need time in my bed (or the bath tub) in the peace and quiet to cry it out, think it through, nap it off and THEN we can move forward and have a plan. 

 

The second really bad round was when I lived in Salt Lake and made the decision to go to therapy.  I wrote about that experience in one of my first blog posts.  You can find that here.  That round I was more prepared because I knew my triggers but that didn't stop it from happening.  I was in a really terrible job and was stripping myself of some emotional baggage and it took its toll.  At this point I decided that I needed to get my ass to the gym and work it off and that's exactly what I did.  But!  Here's the deal, THAT still didn't' help on some days.  I remember a few too many days that I would be at the gym for 3 hours of grueling tough classes and I would still walk out the door crying because the stress was so high.  Thank God for those few good people who knew what was really going on and loved me through it. 

 

The third round is the gift that keeps on giving and that is seasonal blues.  I HATE winter.  I hate being cold and I hate the days being short.  I know....I should learn to ski, I should learn to snowboard, blah blah blah, but honestly, I don't want to at this point in my life.  I'm getting closer, but it's a huge expense to just pick up a snow sport.  Winters in Utah are really challenging because we experience inversion.  Dark, smoggy gross days.  It was worse when I lived in Salt Lake, but for whatever reason we've had some bad days here in the 'hood this week.  On Sunday I knew that there would not be a single minute of sunshine so I just hid in my bed for most of the day.  Then Monday rolled around and the same realization hit me as I headed out the door.  Heart sank and I tried not to cry.  To harbor the inevitable I came home every day and made dinner and crawled in bed to read my book.  So I finished in a much quicker time frame than normal.  Thanks to picking up my journaling again and escaping through a new book I am feeling pretty good today. 

 

If I can make any point with this post it is this:  you (yes you, not the person behind you) have NO idea who is struggling with mental health boulders.  The other completely SHITTY thing about depression is the lack of physical side effects.  I am an expert at "fake it to make it" but honestly I really wish that people would believe me when I tell them, "I am dying inside and I can't make it go away" and the reality that it may be that way one day and not the next.  If the sun is out, especially in the winter, I am probably having a pretty damn good day.  If it's no sunny, I'm probably not doing that great.  I am so very grateful for the people who I have been blessed with in my life who have brought consistency and support as I have rode the roller coaster of life.  I am also grateful for my trusty trick of napping it out and then facing the issue.  It helps SO much. 

 

The moral of the story:  We don't get to pick what hides under the powder of life, but we can prepare ourselves by making damn sure that our equipment works the way its supposed to and we are ready to ride the bunny hill if need be. 

 

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R

 

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