Five.

This week marked a big milestone for me. On Thursday, March 17th, St. Patrick's Day, I celebrated my 5 year anniversary since I buttoned up organized therapy.  I ended therapy on St. Patrick's Day on purpose.  I LOVE the holiday (it's that redhead in me) and I always wanted to remember the end with a happy day.  If I was a drinker I would maybe have an extra drink, but alas, I am not, so I had a big fat piece of sinful 7 layer chocolate cake in my princess bed and it was glorious.  

I've written about my experiences in therapy and post therapy a number of times on le blog. There is a lot about the therapy process that is still so wrought with stigmas and misconceptions in the media and I've tried to be as open and honest as I can about the process and what I learned.  There is also a part of my experience that purposely is staying in the past.  It includes the mistakes, the heartaches and the toxic pain that I shed through the help of my amazing therapist.  History remains history and there is just some of it that I don't need or want to talk about.  I know I have a lot of readers who have struggled with the process of therapy and didn't feel like it helped them.  Today I am going to be very real and very honest so that you can see that therapy didn't actually cure me.  Therapy made me a better me so that I could face life differently.  But, it sure as hell did not cure me. 

The first thing I want you to know about therapy: there is absolutely no shame in seeking help.  There is immense value in talking to a third party that you are not emotionally connected with in any way other than the fact that you air your dirty laundry to them and they take notes and offer suggestions for coping.  These brave souls who have chosen the career of mental health specialists are highly educated and wired to take on the analysis of our lives and brains.  God bless them because I couldn't do it.  I know enough about people and their weirdness through my chosen profession, but I don't need to know more.  Much of the shame that we may feel is because our brains are so mucked up with trying to deal that they want us to give up so that the wiring doesn't have to change.  However, just like a well-maintained engine, our brains do so much better when they are oiled and monitored and flushed on a periodic basis and therapy can serve that purpose if we will let it.  

The second thing I want you to know about therapy: it is only as good as how you apply it in your every day life.  I was TERRIFIED to end my time with Jennifer because I knew it meant I had to deal on my own.  It was scary to think about having relationships and facing life challenges after I was done checking in with her.  I made absolutely sure that I was ready to fly on my own, but I also had a long list of things that I kept and still keep close to my heart.  What are my triggers?  Who are my triggers?  What calms me down?  What can I let slide and what do I have to always do when I'm having a tough mental health day?  How do I stop myself from the avalanche of "what ifs" that I'm so good at doing?  Who do I trust implicitly with all the hairy details and who am I on a "need to know, surface only" basis?  The list goes on and on.  More than once I have had to sit myself down and have a mental tune-up to get myself back on track after a big event or boulder fell out of the sky.  2015 anyone?  My most recent therapy post talked about a pair of shoes that reminded me of a terribly awful relationship mistake that I made.  In the post I talked about keeping them as a reminder of what I had accomplished.  I am happy to report, that because of my own blog post and the triggers that I set off (boo to me), I ended up getting rid of those hot polka-dotted vintage inspired pumps because they (a silly pair of shoes) were a trigger and they needed to go.  Talk about a weight lifted when I don't see the lurking reminder in my closet anymore.  

The third thing I want you to know about therapy: you are still going to have hard days.  You're going to have completely shitty, sad, crying, awful, hard-as-hell days.  But, you will also have days when you will think, "wow, pre-therapy me would have crumbled quicker and longer in this scenario than post-therapy me." My knees still get bruised and bloody when I fall and my heart still breaks when a relationship ends or someone dies.  But, how I treat myself and how I work through it compared to pre-therapy is light years different.  I still ache to have a better reality in regards to a couple of things in my life, but I know that gratitude conquers all and with that I relish in what I DO have and let the rest go.  

The fourth thing I want you to know about therapy:  Decide that you will not settle for any type of treatment or abuse that will put you right back to where you were pre-therapy. THIS takes practice and a whole hell of a lot of effort. I'm still finding out little quirks and nuances that I thought were fully addressed are, in fact, still a raging issue if I'm not careful. I've had some conversations with my friends that have recently divorced when I asked them, "what went wrong on both sides and how will you improve yourself the next time?" There are a lot of people, myself included, who have a hard time admitting they were wrong and at fault and that they need to use their picker with more prudence next time. If your surroundings need to change for your therapy to stick, then move.  Have the faith to do it.  If you need to have a sitter to watch your kids so you can go to the gym, then MAKE IT HAPPEN and go to the gym.  If you need friends who don't encourage you to drink like a crazy person or use drugs, then bravely cut them off and find new friends.  If you need to have a date night and some good loving calendared with your sweetheart then write it on the damn calendar and do it!  Remember how I said therapy is only as good as you apply it to your daily life?  Well it is.  Trust me.  Don't spend all that money, time and effort and expect no change necessary.  That is a LIE.  Change is the point.  Change is the healer.  

The fifth thing I want you to know about therapy: You can go back.  Jennifer called them booster visits and I've had a few.  The funny part about mine was that we usually chuckled together because I knew what I needed to do and was well on my way to the right path.  Going to see her for a booster visit was mostly for validation that I was, in fact, coping like a boss without her.  I've kept in contact with her and will send her a periodic email from time-to-time just to solidify that I'm doing well and that she's still there.  I've referred a lot of friends to her. When it came time to leave Utah, I promise you that I had a conscious thought process that included "what if I ever need to go see Jennifer? Will this next home be close enough that I could do that?"  The answer is yes, but I'm confident that I probably won't need to use that lifeline because I am using her advice every day as best I can.  

I am grateful for this milestone.  It has not been an easy 5 years.  Holy hell, at times, it has been everything but easy. I've felt a lot of anger and hate, but I've also learned to deeply, truly love others and myself and I know that my choice to give organized therapy a shot is the reason why.  Don't give up on yourself. Talk to someone who can help you trudge through your sorrow and confusion.

The moral of the story: Breathe. Trust. Love. Have faith in the timing AND the process.  And most of all work.  Work very very hard to be your best you in spite of your imperfections.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

The Roots of Our Soul.

Over the years, I've often thought back on some of the poorest choices I made in my life and how they came about and why I thought it was acceptable to do it.  One particular instance haunts me because I know that it was a choice made while I was in pain and without deeply planted roots of self confidence and love for myself.  I've forgiven myself, but I will always live with a reminder in my brain of the how and why and that I am forever grateful I was brave enough to face my fear and be a better person in spite of myself.

I think many of us make choices in our lives because our roots are weak and we think that our worth is far less than it actually is so why would it matter if we do what we do? It breaks my heart when I have people tell me, "I hate myself so much that I can't accept that someone might love me."  What brings a person to this point?  The breakdown of trust, communication and a spiritual root system that keeps them intact.  I've been there. It's a dark, cold, lonely place. But, the good news is, it doesn't last forever.  And thank goodness.

I reference my time in organized therapy on a regular basis because I am not ashamed that I sought help to cope. I also want others to feel safe in talking with me about their struggles and their experiences with therapy. Therapy doesn't cure you. Not even CLOSE, but the greatest gift you can walk away with is the ability to grow your roots back and build a foundation again. It took about 6 weeks before I felt the breakdown of my weak root system. What commenced was a catastrophic meltdown and physical pain because of emotional issues. There is absolutely no way we can start over until we hit rock bottom. It's the moments of having absolutely nothing except for us and God that we figure out a way to conquer our fear to take root in new ways.

One of my all-time favorite Disney/Pixar movies is "A Bug's Life." For whatever reason it has always been a movie that I can pop in to calm my nerves and laugh. The dialogue and one-liners are some of Disney's finest. One scene in particular involves Flick attempting to give an analogy of the giant tree growing from a seed and the seed is actually a rock.  Dot says to him, "this rock is going to become a tree?" and Flick freaks out and has to reexplain his point and that it takes time to grow and become strong like the tree. I always laugh because Dot says to him, "you're weird." Oh how I can relate to being weird for being a woman who relates so well to analogies by a talking ant.

Another priceless gift that I gained from therapy was the ability to say to myself, "how can I apply this event, trial, whatever, to other aspects of my life?"  Along with that I also learned the valuable mental tool, "what have I learned from this mistake and how will I live my life differently because of it?" Both of those statements take an incredible amount of "reality check" and brutal honesty with ourselves because the answer may not be what we want to hear. To that I say with all the love in my heart, tough shit. Face reality, strip your pride and be brave and full of faith to face your weaknesses.

In nature, the strongest trees can withstand the elements of weather, wind and aging with a deeply bedded root system. The same goes for us.  I love the quote above about laughing at storms.  I don't know about you, but the last thing I'm doing in the middle of a storm, figuratively or literally, is laughing.  Usually I'm crying and hiding under my blankets in my bed.  The point of this quote is that we CAN face storms with a smile on our face if we have a root system that is strong and deep.  Without a solid root system, we can't discern what is right and what is wrong and where the boundaries lie as we fight the good fight and find ourselves again.

Many of you who read this blog know me personally and know the inner and external battles I've fought.  Some of you know more than others, but I want you ALL to know this, my roots of regrowth after I went to see my Jen is what changed EVERYTHING. (her website) I know this because I have never experienced anything like my 2015 and I am here to tell you that I didn't drown because I had roots of faith and strength to hold on to with all my might. I had love in my heart for myself and others around me and I kept myself grounded by serving and allowing others to serve me.

The moral of the story: Even when the roots are cut, they can still grow back and be better than ever.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Create Your Own Sunshine.

Happy weekend, my lovelies! I can honestly say that this week has been the most mentally taxing in my career vacation adventure, yet so full of sunshine. I won't burden you with the seedy details, but I will share some things I have learned.  But, first....behold....the final photo and the spring version of my hair pictures with Kel-Z Photography.  Rose petals, pink, sunshine in Ogden, happy Ray.  I loved shooting this one because the sunshine was peaking through the trees and we had to get a little creative to make it just right and not too glary (totally a word) and squinty. 

Life tends to make us glary and squinty at times.  I try really hard not to play my redhead cranky bitch card ALL the time, but man, it's not easy when life is turned upside down and I just want to crawl in a hole and cry.  I've had a lot of people tell me that I've handled this latest adventure with grace and poise.  Oh, if only that were true.  I mean, my life seems pretty super awesome on social media because I get to sleep in and do whatever the hell I want; however, that is such a sliver of my life.  In reality, it has been a ginormous test of my coping skills that I learned in organized therapy as well as a religious fundamental test to the nth degree.

There is a hymn in the Mormon hymnbook that has the following line, "when sore trials come upon you, did you think to pray?"  Whenever I sing the song and come to that line I think about the long list of prayers that have been said by me and for me when I have had sore trials in my life.  I am always a little leary when people say "we're praying for you!" because I tend to question it with some, especially on social media, because it can come across trendy and fake.  But, when I see blessing after blessing falling out of the sky and the sunshine that lands in my lap, I have to eat my words and ask for forgiveness because then I know someone (probably everyone) is praying for me.

This week I learned a really great lesson about creating my own sunshine.  I am a creature of habit (thanks, Mom), but at some point the MUNDANE of habit gets to me and I take a polar opposite approach and go a tid bit batty.  I'm sure you can relate.  Be honest with yourself....we all have that in us about something.  Dishes?  Cleaning the guest bathroom?  Sorting socks?  Anyway, my biggest survival method during all of this adventure has been routine.  As much routine as I can have to stay on task, but this week all of my usual routine was so painful.  I picked up the phone to call my mom and this is what she said, "You need a change of scenery adventure. Your usual routine is making you crazy (ier) so figure out a way to change it up so that you don't go nuts this week.  As soon as she said that I started thinking about coping mechanisms that I haven't used a lot during this adventure, but have worked in the past.  At the top of this list is coloring.  I am talking about straight up kiddie coloring in a princess coloring book with fresh new Crayola crayons.  Let me show you....

The change of scenery adventure that day turned in to a grand scavenger hunt of super secret locations that I knew nothing about before that day.  I was incredibly grateful for my tour guide that sent me to some of the most beautiful places in our area. I was also grateful for a new Disney Princess coloring book and a peaceful spot to color away my troubles.  Who says Cinderella, Snow White and Sebastian the Crab don't cure the crazies?  Like I said before, if there was ever any doubt that prayers weren't being said and answered on my behalf, times like this proved me wrong.  Oh. So. Wrong.  

The second coping mechanism that I haven't taken a lot of advantage of during this adventure is being around kiddos.  I've seen my auntie loves a few times in the last five months, but not a ton and I was starving for the simplicity and hilariousness of kid world.  Lucky for me, I happen to know a super cool kindergarten teacher with the BEST group of 5 year-olds and she has been quick and grateful to have me in her classroom to volunteer and participate.  This week I spent 3 days in kindergarten.  To most that sounds insanely exhausting (IT IS), but for me it was so much sunshine.  There is absolutely no time to be worried about the future when you have cute faces telling you how pretty you look (apparently they DO notice when I put on my eyebrows and mascara), hugging you at random and letting you test them on ABC's, numbers and sight words as well as lead a construction paper craft with googly eyes (eek!).  And let's be honest, there is a lesson to be learned when you have a little person who has a meltdown over glue stick and you think, "Honey, you're 5.  Your life is glorious and gives no reason for tears over glue.  Let's stop crying and continue on with the craft."  

When I knew that this moment of sunshine was a true gift from God was on Thursday when a student presented me with a thank you note and treat from his mom that thanked "Miss B's fantastic friend" for being in the classroom in her absence.  As I stood there and read it I had to hold back the tears (there's no crying in kindergarten) and it made my whole week.  So much sunshine right here, my lovelies.  So very much.  

The cure to my inner uneasiness this week really was crayons, super secret change of scenery adventures, mamma thank yous, cute kiddos of the 5 year-old kind and SO MANY construction paper Pete the Cats with googly eyes (someday I will write a whole post about the joy I find in googly eyes).  

The future is bright and my emotional bucket is filled because I took some sound mamma advice to heart.  Shhhh....don't tell her I admitted she was right on social media.  

The moral of the story:  Sunshine doesn't just come from the sky.  It comes from all around us and can turn an upside down week right side up in NO time.  

Until next time, my lovelies.  

-R

In My Life.

This new set of photos with the lovely Kel-Z Photography has really blown me out of the water.  It's by far the series that I am the most comfortable with and feel like I look like myself.  This particular outfit is no exception.  In fact, this outfit has a long list of stories.  The skirt basically cut off all breathing ability and we giggled a LOT as I tried to drive us around Ogden cut off lung capacity.  The belt is turned backwards because I think it looks dumb the "normal" way with this tunic from Chic Style Utah.   Last, but not least, the shoes are bad-ass-smokin hot, but were purchased in an extremely challenging period of my life.  And thus, we engage in some real talk avec Ray for this week's blog post.  

A couple of months ago I decided to deep clean the closet and donate a LOT of shoes to a non-profit that my friends run.  As I was going through my shoes I came upon these beauties.  At first glance my heart jumps a little because they are HOT.  Vintage-inspired, polka dots, peep toe, good heel.  But, in the same string of happy emotions, my heart also sinks just a tiny bit as I have a flashback with a flood of memories that are attached to these shoes.  In that moment, as I sat on my closet floor, I opted to keep them because I needed the reminder of how far I've come since they were purchased lots of years ago.  

One of my favorite Beatles hits is "In My Life."  The lyrics speak to me and it is one of those songs that I will randomly remember while I'm going about my day and sing out loud.  The lyrics I particularly love are, "There are places I remember all my life.  Though some have changed, some forever, not for better; some have gone and some remain.  All these places have their moments of lovers and friends I still can recall.  Some are dead and some are living; in my life I loved them all."  Things have changed for me; friends and loves have come and gone, but I do remember them all.  When I think about the events that surround these shoes I get teary.  Not because I'm sad that it didn't work the way I thought it was supposed to; that was impossible.  I get teary because I was STRONG in my time of weakness and I worked through it and I am a BETTER human because of it because I let God's timing take over.  

This past week I felt compelled to share my "closing remarks" from my last session of therapy with a dear friend.  It's been at least 2 years since I've read them from start to finish.  They are the kind of words that I am a-OK with staying in the past, but I haven't forgot what I wrote.  My therapist encouraged closing remarks with a series of questions that were the highlights of the goals I set to accomplish in my journey with her.  For me, it was a critical part of my healing because it forced me to really think about what we had accomplished, but what I also had in front of me as I went about my life without the security blanket of a third party helping me cope.  I've decided to share a portion of them with you today because I think this is a sentiment that many of us can relate to at some point in our life.  I can also attest to the absolute feeling of despair and mourning that I felt as I went through the process of therapy.  As you shed the shit your brain actually has to go through a process of reprogramming to adjust to life being different (even though it is better).  

"In many great movies when the film concludes the sorrowful words, "The End" stream on the screen and the viewer is done.  Done knowing what happens next and perhaps hoping for more.  However, with most stories "The End" really just means an end to THAT moment, not an end all together.  

So, here I sit celebrating that I am at the END of my time in therapy.  

It's not easy to admit you're jacked up to a complete stranger.  It actually sucks really bad and hurts like hell,  But, slowly as each layer of hate was peeled back and thrown away I got better.  For every bad thing I went through it seemed that little good things snuck their way in.  

The question has been posed to me when do you go back to loving deeply and what is the plan?  Well I don't know what the plan is.  The last 2 years were hell on earth and I had to purge some of those I loved the most out of my life because their love was toxic.  And I am here to tell you that any way you toss it up, toxic is still toxic.  

So, with a tear in my eye and a cute new outfit to boot....I say, cheers to the end because it only means a new beginning."

As soon as I copied those words in to the email for my friend I had to take a long, deep breath.  A moment to let it sink in that I HAVE improved.  I HAVE grown.  I HAVE overcome so much.  And thank God.  I thank Him every single day for The End meaning The Beginning for me.  

Not all therapists are created equal (they are still human) and I've had friends express sentiments of frustration that their attempt at therapy wasn't as successful as mine.  On the same hand, I've also had friends who have shared my sentiments that therapy was absolutely the BEST choice they've ever made because it saved their life and gave them the coping skills that they were missing and helped them move on.  If you are reading this and thinking, "I'm one of those people who HATED therapy."  Please don't give up.  Shop around.  This is your life we are talking about!  Embrace that you are in control of your happiness and healing and find your "Jenn."  She or He is out there; I promise.  

The Beatles' "In My Life" continues by saying, "And I know I'll never lose affection for people and things that went before.  I know I'll often stop and think about them.  In my life I loved you more.  In my life I loved you more." 

For me, the words "in my life I loved you more" are talking about me.  I HAD to love myself more and because I did, I took that leap and created a new beginning out of what seemed to be the end.  Dig deep, find that love for yourself, be brave, and have the courage to embrace the end being your new beginning.

The moral of the story:  The storms of life are REAL and will suck all the color out of life, but if we will have courage, faith and perseverance, the colors and sunshine WILL return.  In your life and in my life, love them more as we recall that they are the beginning, not the end.  

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R

Once upon a time ....

Once upon a time far FAR far Far away there was a land and its name started with the letter “t” and ended with herapy.  Just outside the land of herapy there was a girl named Raylynn and she decided that before she could move out of her cardboard box called f-ed up and miserable into a glorious beachside mansion of peace and happiness she needed to go see the queen of herapy whose name was Jenn.  And then their journey began.  Raylynn, her big pink journal with colored pens tucked inside, and Jenn with her blank pieces of white paper, blue ink pen and a clipboard.  

When I made the decision to go to visit Jenn, I was a MESS.  M to the E to the S to the SSSSS.  To protect all parties concerned and to keep the muck tucked away in history (right where it belongs), I’m not going to detail the WHY I went because it actually became a secondary reason by the time I was done.  

There is a four-letter word out there that is very misunderstood and misused.  It is the word COPE.  I couldn’t cope.  I couldn’t cope with my family, I couldn’t cope with being a grown-up, I couldn’t cope with a boy and I couldn’t cope with my emotions being all over the place and in time bomb status all the damn time.  And it was pretty well-known to my inner self that there was some bottled up toxic sludge that needed to be addressed.  Talk about super awesome when you walk into a complete stranger’s office and look them straight in the eye and say, “um ya, I’m jacked up.  Can you help me?”  And then she looks at you and says, “I can help you, but it’s going to take a LOT of work on your part too.”  

There is another misconception about “therapy” that if you GO, you will be FIXED by GOING.  WRONG.  WRONG.  WRONG.  It takes work from both parties and the most work is going to come from the person looking at you in the mirror; yourself.  And that work will continue into the rest of your life after therapy.  Yes, you need to communicate with the sources of struggle, but it may be that you can’t and all you can fix is yourself. 

I am going to highlight the Top 5 things I learned while in therapy that I think everyone can do and benefit from.

1. Journal, Journal, Journal.  On visit 2 I was equipped and armed with a very fat journal and colored pens so that I could write it out.  And she told me to write my story.  Write out every character and their role and their demise and how they were affecting me and what I needed to do to deal with them better.  She said, write it like a story, because it is a story…it is your story.  A bit of a dicey, swearword-laden bitter diatribe was more like it, but nonetheless, it was my story.  AND, the genius thing about journaling is once something is written on paper it is transferred from the emotional side of the brain to the analytical side.  A purge in every sense of the word.  

2. Exercise.  There is ABSOLUTELY no way I would have made it through therapy without my gym membership.  I would wake up every morning very angry about the reality of peeling back my rotten onion and I wasn’t sleeping that great anyway.  So, I would roll out of bed and head to the gym for at least 30 minutes.  That’s all I could give.  And I did.  Every.single.day.  

3. Find your reporting angel.  Therapy is desperately difficult because you’re bearing your soul to a stranger but you’re still trying to process and heal.  So, find that person you can confide in and that will not judge you as you go through this angry healing ordeal.  My angel is named Melanie.  God bless that amazing friend of mine.  I adore her because she listened and didn’t ever judge me on how screwed up I was and the choices I was making with some situations in my life because my coping skills were basically shot.  She and I still talk almost daily and I know that I always have her to remind me that I have made HUGE strides since those horrible days and that I can make it through anything because I have those skills to cope.  

4. Have a reward ritual after the therapy session.  Can we all say cheese fries and Sonic Diet Cherry Limeade?  Nom nom nom!!!  That was my reward ritual.  I would go to therapy after work so it would be late when I was done and I would usually cry on my drive home and I knew that once I had those cheese fries and a Sonic Diet Cherry Limeade that I was going home and going to bed.  And it was code for my friends that if it was a “non-therapy day” and I was in trouble I could text them and say, “it’s been a cheese fries day” and they were on my doorstep and we were headed to the Training Table for cheese fries and a vent session.  

5. Let yourself be mad for 24 hours.  I usually would have a detox day after therapy and it generally wasn’t a very good day.  If you ask a cancer patient they will most likely tell you that the days after chemo treatment SUCK.  You’re sick and tired and have the looming reality of it not working and on and on and on.  Therapy really is mental chemotherapy and those days after are tough.  But, they are not impossible.  And after 24 hours it’s time to get to work and focus on the next weeks tasks that your therapist has set.  

I will remind you, if you’ve made it this far in the post, that if your opinion about therapy is if you GO, you will be FIXED by GOING then you are WRONG.  WRONG.  WRONG.  It takes work from both parties and the most work is going to come from the person looking at you in the mirror; yourself.  I am not cured.  I am not a genius at coping.  2013 presented some huge setbacks for me and I had to really work through them, but that is the POINT.  I had the tools to do it and I did.  And 2014 has been a flying cluster year of curve balls too.

The moral of the story:  Life is not easy.  And if you feel like you live in a cardboard box just outside the land of herapy, then find your Jenn.  Because living in a mansion of peace and happiness (by the imaginary beach with a yummy drink with an umbrella in it) is far better.  And so rewarding.  

Until next time, my lovelies.  

-R