Embrace It.

Well, this week was a LOT of facing reality and dealing with it.  Amidst the MANY hours on the road driving solo, the hours laying awake past 2 am and the hours of funeralling and reminiscing about my dearest Granddad this weekend, I learned a lot about myself.  Whoa.  I mean, holy run-on sentence, but it is true.  I find it NO coincidence that the last fashion feature this month is centered around my absolute favorite outfit from the winter photo shoot and my favorite words: embrace imperfection.  

When I planned the outfits for this shoot with Kel-Z Photography, I wanted it to be a whole hella bunch of color.  I also wanted to show my random fashion sense.  It's a pretty regular occurance that I have people stop me and say, "I love your outfit...only you could get away with that combo."  Um, thanks?  But, then I thank them and say, well, it just kind of happens.  To be quite honest....sometimes...ok ALL the damn time....it is on the third or fourth outfit combo and my bed is piled high with vetoed outfits and I'm running late so I just go with it and chalk it up to my "quirky fashion sense."  There's a tip of the crazy for you.  

Before we get to deep thought avec Ray I will give you the outfit details....Here you go!

• Scarf: Utah State bookstore (random, don't ask questions)
• Gray top: Chic Style Utah
• Mint Green pants which are actually capris (gasp!): Macy*s
• Super rad carpet bag: Just Be Purses
• Bracelet: local vender at the Ogden Harvest Moon Festival (aka that one night I discovered those cute beardy boys in VanLadyLove)

When we speak of imperfection, how many of us shudder and start to list the LONG list (in our minds) of our shortcomings?  Ooh Ooh, pick me, pick me...the emotional, overanalyzing, blunt girl in the back row with a Diet Coke in her hand, please.  We ALL do it and we should ALL STOP it.  But, I know as well as the next person, that it is a task that is easier said than done.  We are constantly bombarded in the media to be skinnier, richer, nicer, bitchier (you know it's true), greener and the list goes on and on.  How many times do we just stop and think, "I am frickin awesome and hella broken, but it is OK." 

I got a good solid dose of that this week as I embarked on my least favorite mental land, other than full-on depression, and that is mourning world.  It sucks.  Like f-bomb sucks.  It is a mental state that offers very little control and basically you just let it ride its course, hold on and have a boat load of patience with yourself.  The whole week my grandma kept saying, "we all mourn differently, it's ok."  That is an understatement.  I found that my list of imperfections rose to the top of the list on a sea of my never-ending tears.  I was more unfiltered that usual and I knew it and I only used it to my advantage with one person and he was LONG overdue for the unleashing that occurred.  I figured if I was going to be crying already then why the hell not add something else to the list. 

In all seriousness, our imperfections are what test us the most.  I could wax eloquent in the religious department, but I will just say this....we are only given as much trial as God knows we can handle.  Period!  But, the kicker is we don't get to PICK when it's officially too hard...He does.  Talk about wishing we could veto THAT rule.  But, it's true.  I've had a couple of experiences in my life (depression not being one of them ... exception to this comment) when I was at my utter wits end and I had a pretty pointed and relatively angry prayer with God and within a few days there was some resolution.  But that is RARE.  Don't expect God to have a magic wand and wave it.  Allow for His timing and go with the flow.  And now I will go get my handheld mirror and say that out loud to myself three times. 

I think the greatest blessing in admitting our imperfections is being able to see how every single human being in our life is supposed to be there to fill in the gaps.  Our gaps of imperfection are mended and filled by our friends, family, lovers, children, grandparents, etc.  And thank goodness!  I would be a sloppy, crying lost cause if I didn't have those people who stepped up this last week and recognized that I was going completely bat shit crazy while mourning and invited me over for dinner or took me out to dinner or sent me a non-dying sympathy plant or wore a pair of shoes to a concert I was hoping to be at, but got booked for a funeral instead.  Life happened, I cried my guts out, but I was damn grateful that it happened because it made me realize that I am one lucky woman to have the legacy that I do from the man we sent to heaven. 

One last note about the outfit....I mentioned above that the mint pants are actually capris.  Here's the story on those.  I have wanted colored pants for a long time, but I've always felt like they look RIDICULOUS with my curves.  And then they generally call them skinny jeans and I'm like, peace out kids....I saw these at Macy*s and I snatched them up a few years ago.  I LOVE them.  And I especially love wearing them in the winter with boots because I am the ONLY one who knows there is a really goofy 6 inch gap between the end of the capri leg and the sock under said boot.  It's quite hilarious when I take the boots off and I usually have a good hearty laugh at how un-sexy I look and promptly take the socks off. 

The moral of the story:  Cut yourself some slack and embrace the imperfections, people!  That's what makes us interesting.  Who doesn't like a good story?  We all have 'em. 

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R

Busy making other plans.

The late great John Lennon penned the phrase, "life is what happens while you're busy making other plans." This quote has always been a personal favorite, but in the last five days it has brought on new meaning. Very powerful meaning. 

Today my maternal grandfather went to heaven. He's been sick for a lot of years, but tough as nails and lived through multiple heart attacks, Cancer, diabetes and the list goes on and on. But, when it was time to go and he knew it, it happened fast and for that I am grateful. 

When I drove away from my house on Friday the 13th, I had no idea what was about to happen. As far as I was concerned I was off to have a 4-day play weekend with my bestie and her family and we were going to craft and eat bacon. Friday night I received word that the end was near for our Granddad. We had family council via Skype (VERY normal for my fam) and we decided that we would hold tight on gathering because he was given 4-6 weeks. I was out of town on mini vacay, my SIL is about to give birth and my BIL was in a show here in Ogden. 24 hours passed and all was well. Granddad came home, was communicating with his family and we all settled in to the wait. Saturday I started to go into crazy brain mourning mode. I'm a spaz, especially without enough information and I felt this limbo and uneasiness that I couldn't shake. I went to bed so sad on Saturday and tried to sleep. Sunday morning I woke up to an email from my mother that said something to the effect of "come sooner than later." Well awesome. Here I was on a mini-vacay and she was telling me this. To add to it this is my BUSIEST week for personal and professional reasons. I started to get really worked up and sad again. I laid in bed and decided to cancel my crazy day (Wednesday) and plan to go on Tueaday after some important work appointments in Idaho Falls. Jo always makes me bacon and amazing breakfast at some point so I went upstairs and had a hearty feast. As you know from previous posts, I nap and then cope. Such was the case this morning. I told her, I couldn't do church because I needed to nap and game plan. She was very understanding, as always, and I went back down to the cave... I mean guest bedroom and crawled back in bed to sleep on it. 

As soon as I woke I up I felt like I should at least get dressed for the last hour of church and meet Jo to help her teach her kiddies class. I made a call to my sister and then a text landed on my phone from my aunt. Things aren't good. You better come quicker. What? When did this happen? I JUST got an email from my mom THREE hours ago! I called her and panic set it. Suddenly NOTHING else mattered (cue the Metallica classic) and I needed to pack, gas up and GO. In my frenzy to get ready for church, I realized I had forgot to brush my teeth because, well, said toothbrush was chillin in my purse pocket. Smooth, Raylynn, smooth. Thank goodness for gum in all sorts of places in my car. 

As soon as I was in my car listening to "happy music" the water works started. I thought, "ok, this is it. This is what you need. Cry it out because you are the oldest grandchild and the rock." That went on for four hours as I sped across the state listening to tunes and trying to sing myself some comfort and cry it out as much as possible. 

Upon arriving at my grandma's I found more joy than I expected...wait! Who am I kidding? We are a music-loving, food-in-mass-quantities eating family. Of course there was joy! I went into my granddad's room and my heart sunk. Here he was. He couldn't talk, but had enough gumption to sit up and stay sitting up. I sat next to him and talked. He's always the one who insists we call when we are traveling to and from his house. I felt like I should tell him I made it safe and that the weather was perfect. I felt like I should tell him that I cancelled my whole life to be sitting next to him. I held his hand. I felt his pulse and when he was on the phone with his cousin he squeezed my hand. My heart ached already. He knew it was me and I knew it. I didn't go to bed until 130 that night because A. I was super caffeinated and B. I was super worked up with my reality. My aunt and I talked it out and finally both went to bed at 2. Yesterday we spent the entire day together. As soon as my mom arrived I knew that my granddad would start to let go. She's his only daughter and the oldest and subconsciously when she showed up, there was order. 

Finally at about 4, I felt like it was my turn to really have my moment with my sweet granddad man and document it. We are a genealogy family and I wanted this memory preserved for my future babes. He was miraculously more responsive so I went in. I took his hand and had a conversation along with my grandma and uncle. I would share that photo, but it is so private and special. My heart knew that he knew that it was me. I sat there for a long time. Later that evening we sang hymns to him and at that point I knew that I had been inspired to sing what I sang to help him calm down and get ready. My kiddo cousins were all so brave and openly mourned and cried a lot. I did not. I cried in private. I couldn't fall apart while they were. Mamma bear instincts in full force with my little flock of cuties.

This morning I laid in bed knowing he was going to leave us today. I drove to their house and when I saw him he looked completely different than twelve hours before. I gave my final kiss and "good bye, I love you" and walked away. As I was leaving, my incredible grandma hugged me and said, "your granddad was always so proud of all his grandkids. You started that. He was proud of you first."  

The level of sadness is high. I am one of the many grandkids who is named after him. I have such random fond memories of going to visit on the farm. It was never about fancy, always about family. He called me honey and said I love you and was a guardian of great magnitude if we were on the road going to or from his house. He taught me that a good man is one who works hard and always kisses his sweetheart, especially after family prayer. He was crusty and grumpy at times, but he was our granddad and we absolutely adored him. Tonight I shared the following on Facebook, "One of my fondest memories as a kid was having ice cream for dinner with my grandparents while my parents were on a date night. It was August so granddad's garden was in full harvest so he and my grandma had fresh tomatoes and we had Schwan's ice cream which was ALWAYS on hand. I was maybe 10 & I still remember how special it made me feel that they let us be hooligan kids and just eat ice cream."

I am so sad to have him gone, but I know he is happier and painless. That is all that matters. My tear ducts needed a good flush anyway and they got it. I am also sad that I had to cancel plans for things that last week mattered most. The concert and the Oscars party are oh so trivial compared to the opportunity I've had to bond with family and hold his hand and say "I love you" just one last time. 

The moral of the story: what happens when we are making other plans is usually a big fat sign from above that it is time to remember our priorities and who matters most. The fluff can wait. 

Until next time, my lovelies. 

-R

Once In His Life.

Lucille Ball has been quoted as saying, "once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead."  In the wake of that one holiday this week, I decided to debut the winter hair pictures from my photo shoot with Kel-Z Photography and talk about the reality of loving a redhead.

Before I wax eloquent I have to fill you in on the hilarity that goes on to make these pictures just right.  If you recall from my fall shoot, the hair picture was our VERY last photo and just kind of happened and was perfect.  I decided that I wanted the winter version to be a stark contrast piece because we would be in snow.  I found the scarf at Sears on a killer sale during the holidays and it was perfect because it had some pattern and sheen, but wasn't old lady or crazy (because that matters).  The other element I wanted was red lips.  It's only been in the last two years that I've been brave enough to sport red lipstick in public and rock it like a boss.  I credit it to a certain man who shall remain nameless.  This photo was the very last shot again because it included laying in snow and freezing for a good cause.  We laughed and laughed when we got up from taking the photo and my head print was in the snow as well as bum....so we took a photo.  You can really only see my head  print so we put in a little prop to show what you were looking at.

Ok, let's get down to falling in love with a redhead....this one in particular.....

A few years ago my family engaged in a Top Ten quirks email that was so dang funny.  To this day I wish I would have saved it because it was really obvious that my siblings found spouses that were very well suited for them.  It's been interesting to get to know my brother-in-law and see the reasons why he is SO GOOD for my sister.  His sense of humor and go-with-the-flow attitude are at the top of the list of things that we love so much about him and are common denominators that are very good for the women in our family.  We are a bunch of strong-willed hotheads at times and having a man by our side who is chill and funny is critical.

So what does this Lucy need in her Ricky?  Read on, my lovelies.....I'm spewing my weaknesses...or my endearing qualities...however you look at it. 

• I am fiercely passionate about causes, especially those that involve children.  I am a true oldest child and I take charge and get shit done, especially when it involves kids who can't help themselves. 
• For all my OCD tendencies in the workplace, I am that much blah at home.  That means...when I was a teller my money had to all face the same direction (still does if someone gives me cash), but if the laundry doesn't get folded for WEEKS I am not stressed about it. 
• I am a hippie at heart and want everyone to get along, but you cross me and you best put on your big boy britches and run for the hills.  I have a good solid bitch card and I know when to use it. 
• I cry every single stinking time I watch the movie Rudy.  My heart still jumps at the anticipation that he might not get to play in the last game of his senior year at Notre Dame and I melt when the team gives up their jerseys so he has a chance to play. 
• A sub-point to this story---I love the movie and story so much that when I was a kid it was my dream to attend Notre Dame.  My mother wasn't too keen on that because Mormon kids don't go to Notre Dame.  To which I said, then why do Catholic kids go to BYU?  I attended neither school and I still cry when they sing the fight song. 
• I am probably more of a feminist that I like to admit, but probably not.  It drives me CrAzY when people treat me like a stupid girl or expect me to not know something because I have a uterus buried in there somewhere.  However, I MELT and LOVE it when a man waits for me and holds the door open for me.  Mutual respect is the name of the game so I will treat you like a normal human being and you do the same.  xoxo
• I come from a geeky musical redneck patriotic mouthy (ok maybe just my sister and I fit this description) Mormon family.  If that bothers you then keep on looking for Barbie with a testimony because this girl ain't none of that.  I am who I am and I rather enjoy a lad who brings some depth to our family mix.  A lot actually. 
• Talk smack about my siblings or my nephews and I will unleash.  Period.  We are awesome people. 
• My relationship with God is one that has evolved into a deeply personal and very real deal.  I have experienced some tragic and trying times in my life and I know that the way I am living my life is how I need to be living it.  I know that for some there are some boxes on their list that I'm not checking, but I can honestly get on my knees at night and still commune with God and know that He is listening and that He cares.  Those conversations can get a little pointed and full of frustration, but I know He knows the inner depths of my heart and what I REALLY want in life. 
• I regularly lose sleep over how I will make ends meet and because of that I will NOT be a non-working housewife.  I just won't.  I can't do that to a man because I know firsthand the stress that it entails and if it means that I work 2 nights at the mall or have an at-home business, then I will do it.  I absolutely will NEVER be a financial burden.  That's just not how I roll. 

I could probably go on and on with the list, but I'll end.  Why play all my cards on my blog?  The point of all of this is, my hair doesn't define me, but it definitely plays a big part in who I am.  They've done lots of studies on the genetics of redheads and it's proven that we have a higher tolerance to pain (holding off on child birth to prove that) and loose ligaments (just ask my chiropractor) and I don't know a redhead who isn't feisty as hell at times.  BUT!  We are human just like the rest of ya and to that lucky man who will eventually win my heart and convince me to share a life with him I say, "you get one chance to fall madly in love with a redhead....make it count."  

The moral of the story:  redheads are human.  (Gasp)

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R

Love The Life You Live.



Did your mother and/or grandmother ever tell you, "you're not allowed to wear pattern with pattern because that doesn't match and is against the rules."  Mine did and for a lot of years I was terrified to sport pattern avec pattern because I felt like I was a walking fashion travesty.  Well, guess what?  Rules schmools, my lovelies....step outside of the box and give it a try like I did with outfit #2 for my winter photo shoot on COLOR!  This outfit is all sorts of wonderful from Chic Style Utah, Just Be Purses, Le Gap and Girl Ran Away With The Spoon.

This outfit has so many great elements.  The top is from Chic Style and is made by an American company called Kut from the Kloth.  It is such a phenomenal line and the quality makes up for the price.  I have a LOT of it in my closet.  The camisole that I'm wearing under it is from a company called Niki Biki.  It is a company that makes one-size-fits-all camisoles, tank tops, bandeaux, among other tops.  It's a fab line and the camisoles are extra long which is a WIN WIN WIN for this super long torso, super endowed lady.  

Can we all just take a moment and let out a deep sigh over the bag?  Oh the bag.  This is a handmade gem from a company called Just Be Purses.  My hilarious brother-in-law calls it my Mary Poppins bag.  Another funny story about this purse is it was MIA for about 6 months before I had this photo shoot because I own four of Suzy's purses and I rotate them.  Somehow this purse, which I purchased 2 years ago, got thrown in my Monica closet and sucked into the vortex of no return.  I was very glad I found it without having to disassemble the entire closet because let's be honest, that equals putting my life into my own hands.  The main reason I love Just Be Be purses is their unique design and they match everything.  Suzy uses so many different types of fabric that there is all sorts of color on each of them and I can use each purse with all my outfits...even the t-shirts and jeans.  These purses make a hoodie and jeans look bad ass and classy.  Period. 

We took the photos for this outfit in Huntsville.  What a cute little town.  I seriously love living in Ogden and I especially love Ogden Valley.  It is my happy place.  It is also fresh air in the winter...remember those crappy winter blues I told you all about?  Well, it is a regular occurrence for me to jump in my trusty SUV and take a drive to the valley to find sunshine and fresh air.  I affectionately call them Sunday sunshine adventures.

The necklace is another reminder with words.  It says "Love the Life you Live."  The artist that made it is also local (yay!) and she does great work.  Her name is Ashley Bennett Stoddard and Chic Style is the exclusive retailer for her pieces in Utah.  Ashley is also the artist that designed the snowboard pendent from my annual giveaway.  Loving the life we live can be pretty damn hard sometimes, but it can also be really glorious!  I consistently have to remind myself that I need to bloom where I am planted and embrace the here and now.  The late, great John Lennon said, "life is what's happening while we're making other plans."  Yep.  Pretty much.  How many times do we miss out on the little moments, the small victories and the simple pleasures because we are freaking the hell out about a trivial matter?  Embrace those you love more, thank the people who make your life a little easier and show compassion to those who have it worse than you.  They are out there and you may not even realize who they are.  I've found that the practice of recognizing the little things in my life that I'm grateful for helps keep me centered and grounded in the fact that I am SO very blessed.  The most important thing we should remember about life is sometimes there is a time and place for breaking the rules such as wearing polka dotted skinnies with floral or staying out late to laugh our guts out with the gal pals, telling that cute boy you know that he is in fact your favorite even though he drives you bat shit crazy OR ignoring the ever growing pile of laundry that needs to be folded.  Break the rules.  Enjoy life.  And if all else fails...choose the red shoes.... or boots in this case.

So when the going gets rough and you feel like life is against you, find a cute bag, wear pattern avec pattern, break some rules and make plans for the here and now.  You can do it.  I can do it.

The moral of the story:  With the right outfit and gratitude in your heart, you too can feel the love for the life you live.

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R

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Be The Change.

February is here!  Is it just me or did January FLY by?  I have been anxiously waiting to have the next set of fashion features that resulted from my 2nd photo shoot with Kel-Z Photography.  When Kelsey and I had our shoot in the fall we both agreed that we needed to do something in the winter that included getting creative with snow.  I hate winter due to really bad seasonal blues and I wanted something that was going to be FUN and focus on color!  Yes!  COLOR!  I am a lover of color in fashion and I wanted to share with you some of the methods to my madness.  So, here we go!  Enjoy and don't be afraid to try something new this week as you figure out what to wear.

There are a few things you should know about my style.  First, I don't stick to the norms and trends.  I choose articles of clothing that will stand the test of time and look awesome with lots of different things.  I have a standing rule that if I can't think of 5 outfits to make with an article while I'm looking at it in the store, I don't purchase it.  When I first met my darling friend, D'Arcy at Chic Style, I told her this rule and somehow .... maybe mysteriously.... maybe not, she always seems to have just the right things for me to try on.  The skirt in this photo is from her store and is a wonderful brand called T Party.  Oh, it is heavenly and comfortable.  This skirt jumped out at me because it was different and soft.  I'm also a big fan of mixed mediums; meaning different fabrics coupled together.  It didn't hurt that there were only two left in the store and they were both my size.  Again, somehow this manages to happen often which is why a good hearty chunk of my closet is from Chic. 

The next thing I want to talk about is sales rack shopping, specifically at Macy*s.  If you follow my Instagram feed you know that I LOVE Macy*s (even their bathroom)  and visit there from time-to-time just to peruse the sales racks.  

The sales racks at Macy*s are glorious.  They are organized by size and brand and sometimes even color.  I often have a Monica Gellar OCD geek moment because I can go right to where I need to go and find total awesomeness at a deep discount.  Here's my bit of wisdom for you: If I can buy it on sale at Macy*s for less than full price at Target, I will DO IT every damn time.  Why NOT????  I know I'm going to get a better fabric quality and just look better.  It's a win/win situation.  The mint top of this outfit was just such a scenario....I was iffy on the shape of the top, but it was like 10 bucks on sale this summer so I picked it up.  It is a favorite now and looked incredible with this skirt and jacket.

The jacket is from The Loft and is old, old and old.  But!  It's timeless so it doesn't matter what year I bought it because it still looks good.  The shoes are a delightful thrifting find from Deseret Industries a.k.a. the Goodwill of Utah.  I heart them very much and I sacrificed my toes to wear them and hike in them in the snow to capture just right shot with the winding road behind us.....I will refrain from breaking out in a Beatles tune right about now.

I will STILL refrain from breaking out in a Beatles tune right about now. . . You're welcome.....

I will STILL refrain from breaking out in a Beatles tune right about now. . . You're welcome.....

Last, but definitely not least, we need to talk about the jewelry....but mostly the bracelet.  This piece is handmade by my friend, Erin, at her store The Girl Ran Away With The Spoon which is located in my hometown, Miles City, Montana.  It's one of the very first pieces I purchased from her and I wear it ALL THE TIME.  I love jewelry with words.  My brain needs nearly constant reminders that I'm going to be ok and that life is going to be ok.  When I found this bracelet I bought it because this is one of my life mantras.  Be. The. Change.  Be the force for good in someones life and in turn change your own life.  I've deeply struggled with some heartache over the years and my healer has always been serving others.  I want to do good and be the sunshine for others and change their path.  That comes with some of its own side effects and quite often I forget to think of myself first and I don't tell people when I need to be cared for.  I'm feeling that a lot right now with some specific situations in my life, but I carry on being the change in other people's lives because I know it's crucial.  I had a big event this week and was elected to be the Vice-President of the Friends Board for the Weber-Morgan Children's Justice Center.  So excited and honored!  If you recall I am a total mamma bear and I have loved serving this organization thoroughly for a couple of years.  We are shifting the thinking and philosophies for making people aware of our cause and it's both fun and nerving at times, but we are the change and I LOVE it.

I know that it's really hard to embrace change and even more challenging to recognize aspects of our life that need to be changed and follow through with it.  I've had some moments in the last couple of weeks that I asked myself, "Why?"  "Why am I still living here, why am I holding out for this, this and this and why am I sad about it, but so happy about other things?"  I don't know the answers, but I do know that when I have on a cute outfit and the desire to be the change deep in my heart, I can accomplish anything.  I might skin my knees and shed a few tears, but I am stronger for it and am helping change the world, one thing at a time.

The moral of the story:  Sometimes the winding road has bumps and causes us to stumble, but with a cute outfit full of color and randomness and a desire to be the change we can accomplish anything.

Until next time, my lovelies!  Next week is pattern avec pattern!  Yippee!!!!

-R

P.S.-

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My Reality.

Happy Friday, my lovelies!  What a week!  I finished Amy Purdy's book "On My Own Two Feet" and it was incredibly well-written and inspiring.  I couldn't put it down.  I am not a reader.  I get frustrated with not being able to see the book in my cave-dark bedroom (old lady eyes), but I have read more since I got my iPad mini because it has a back light...it's the simple joys of technology.  This book though, I purchased in "real book" form because I knew I would want to highlight and mark pages and I was right.  As I was reading the final few chapters and especially the epilogue I was moved to share some things with all of you that I haven't shared in depth up to this point.

 

The quote above was from one of the final chapters. After reading Amy's story of losing her legs, having a kidney transplant, learning to walk again, learning to dance again, opening a successful non-profit, and most of all learning to snowboard as a double amputee and later competing in the Paraolympics, I was floored when she said this quote.  I am not a snowboarder and part of the reason is I am scared as hell of those big fat rocks that are secretly hiding under the glistening powder that cause people to go flying, bust up their helmet and have traumatic brain injury.  But then I read this quote and it donned on me...uh, hello, Raylynn, you have your own set of hidden death boulders and it's called depression.  Oh snap.  I just said the D word.  Now that I've said, we must speak of it. 

 

Over the years I have had some c-razy bouts with depression.  It started when I was 19 and I was prescribed birth control for ovarian cysts.  My doctor assumed that I would be like any other woman and my body would just adjust like normal and I would be fine.  What happened was one of THE most terrifying and hopeless times of my life.  I kid you not.  I laid awake at night staring at the ceiling wondering if I was going to make it another day, praying I would fall asleep and it would be gone and then as soon as the sun came up all I wanted to do was crawl under my covers and sleep.  I would dry heave in the morning when I tried to brush my teeth and I had no appetite.  I lost 50 pounds in 6 months.  It was almost like I was pregnant.  HORRIBLE.  Depression is the biggest freaking paradox around.  When you absolutely want to cut yourself off from civilization is when you absolutely NEED to be in civilization and around people who love you.  It is the most painful awful realization because that is the ONLY way you can kick yourself out of it.  And even when you do force yourself out of bed to interact with other warm bodies, it doesn't automatically mean it's going to go away.  It takes time and effort and prayer and many times medication. 

 

One of the main things I learned from that first terrifying rounds of depression were my triggers.  It would still take me about 10 years to really get it down, but little by little I learned what set me off.  At the top of that list is sleep.  As soon as the sleep deprivation happens I can almost guarantee that I will slip into a funk.  It's like clock work and it scares me.  I am almost a habitual napper just so that it doesn't happen.  True story.  I also have learned that I need regroup time.  When a crazy day has happened or something catastrophic has happened in my life or those around me I need quiet time.  I need time in my bed (or the bath tub) in the peace and quiet to cry it out, think it through, nap it off and THEN we can move forward and have a plan. 

 

The second really bad round was when I lived in Salt Lake and made the decision to go to therapy.  I wrote about that experience in one of my first blog posts.  You can find that here.  That round I was more prepared because I knew my triggers but that didn't stop it from happening.  I was in a really terrible job and was stripping myself of some emotional baggage and it took its toll.  At this point I decided that I needed to get my ass to the gym and work it off and that's exactly what I did.  But!  Here's the deal, THAT still didn't' help on some days.  I remember a few too many days that I would be at the gym for 3 hours of grueling tough classes and I would still walk out the door crying because the stress was so high.  Thank God for those few good people who knew what was really going on and loved me through it. 

 

The third round is the gift that keeps on giving and that is seasonal blues.  I HATE winter.  I hate being cold and I hate the days being short.  I know....I should learn to ski, I should learn to snowboard, blah blah blah, but honestly, I don't want to at this point in my life.  I'm getting closer, but it's a huge expense to just pick up a snow sport.  Winters in Utah are really challenging because we experience inversion.  Dark, smoggy gross days.  It was worse when I lived in Salt Lake, but for whatever reason we've had some bad days here in the 'hood this week.  On Sunday I knew that there would not be a single minute of sunshine so I just hid in my bed for most of the day.  Then Monday rolled around and the same realization hit me as I headed out the door.  Heart sank and I tried not to cry.  To harbor the inevitable I came home every day and made dinner and crawled in bed to read my book.  So I finished in a much quicker time frame than normal.  Thanks to picking up my journaling again and escaping through a new book I am feeling pretty good today. 

 

If I can make any point with this post it is this:  you (yes you, not the person behind you) have NO idea who is struggling with mental health boulders.  The other completely SHITTY thing about depression is the lack of physical side effects.  I am an expert at "fake it to make it" but honestly I really wish that people would believe me when I tell them, "I am dying inside and I can't make it go away" and the reality that it may be that way one day and not the next.  If the sun is out, especially in the winter, I am probably having a pretty damn good day.  If it's no sunny, I'm probably not doing that great.  I am so very grateful for the people who I have been blessed with in my life who have brought consistency and support as I have rode the roller coaster of life.  I am also grateful for my trusty trick of napping it out and then facing the issue.  It helps SO much. 

 

The moral of the story:  We don't get to pick what hides under the powder of life, but we can prepare ourselves by making damn sure that our equipment works the way its supposed to and we are ready to ride the bunny hill if need be. 

 

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R

 

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Amy Purdy, Swag and a Giveaway!

Hello, my lovelies! I'm excited to announce my annual "All You Need is Love" giveaway.  Last year we were still small in the number of followers on le instagram, but this year I am upping my game.  I've decided to run the giveaway through the blog and thank heavens for Rafflecopter.  Nothing makes me happier than a free app that keeps me organized.  Can I get an amen, hallelujah from the congregation?

This year's giveaway is the incredible memoir by the double amputee American Winter Olympian, Amy Purdy.  If you're not familiar with her story you are truly missing out on an inspiring tale of great magnitude.  To read more and more check out her website here.  I first heard about her when she was the celebrity dance partner for Derek Hough (be still my heart) on ABC's Dancing With The Stars.  She blew my mind with her dedication and attention to detail against all odds.  It was by far one of the best seasons ever.  The best part was her ability she push Derek, a decorated and talented choreographer, to new heights by forcing him to create dance routines that accommodated her lack of nerve function in the feet.  Every week she came out and did more and more and more.  Oh and did I mention she's a kick ass snow boarder????  Um ya.  She's created a sport of its own (as if it needed to be any cooler) and has developed a technique through her ability to adapt to boarding with bionic legs. 

As I've been reading the book I have shed tears and laughed and cried again.  A lot of her story is a very spiritual one and her journey through losing her legs because of Meningitis when she was 19.  She also talks about her dad and his greatest sacrifice of donating a kidney for his daughter.  Just this week she started a new campaign with Toyota and talked about her dad.  It is the coolest ad.  Take a look by following this link.  Are you crying yet?  If you recall I wrote a blog post about my daddy, my hero, and this ad made me think of him.  He has always been SO good to his daughters and loved us just the way we were which is a tid bit crazy (we get it from our mother) and was a good sport about watching chick flicks and letting us do his hair.  He also was such a champ when we would come home and tell him about the latest cute boy that we were destined to marry.  Oh wait...that might still happen a little for this daughter.  It doesn't happen as often as high school, but there have been a few lads that my daddy definitely heard the WHOLE STORY about long before my mother.  He's always been our sentimental rock and for that I love and appreciate him so much.

As soon as I started reading the book, I knew I wanted to have it be my main giveaway this year.  February is going to be the month of LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE yourself (the good kind, not the selfish kind) and we are going to talk about embracing the body God blessed you with by rocking the COLOR in your fashion choices.  I will have fun photos from my photo shoot with Kel-Z Photography and we will talk color and pattern and a lot of other fun things.  Additionally, I'm going to spotlight my dear friend D'Arcy's wonderful store, Chic Style.  She has been such a blessing as a friend and confidant, in addition to feeding my fashion fetish and it's time to talk about why and in more detail than I have in the past.  One of the secret swag bag items is a beautiful pendant from a local Ogden Valley artist named Ashley Bennett Stoddard that Chic Style sells.  This is one of my favorite pendants that she's designed and it is a pewter snowboard.  BUT!  The fabulous thing is you don't need to be a boarder to enjoy it because she has incorporated nature into the pendent and it is a gorgeous piece to wear with just about everything.  Check it out here.  I also have a few other items in the works for the swag bag, but I'm going to keep them a secret, but they are going to rock.

I am so excited to share this book with you.  I have lived through some pretty dark days in my adult life, but NOTHING compares to what Amy Purdy has been through and she does it with such grace and poise and faith.  We can all draw such hope from reading her story and re-read it on the really BAD days.  In conclusion I want to share the following video with you from Amy's time on Dancing With The Stars.  Watch and be amazed, my lovelies. 

The moral of the story:  Even against all odds, we too can have bionic super powers and shred through life with a heart full of faith and determination!

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

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