la la la la....life goes on!

The other day I sent a text to my amazing friend that went something like this, "I can tell spring is around the corner here because I feel better and I'm actually happy." Then I took the time to look at my Instagram photos towards the end of 2015 and compare them to those in the last month and I thought, "who is that incredibly happy looking lady?" And lastly, as my bestie and I were road trippin' this past weekend, one of my favorite Beatles hits,  "Ob-la-di ob-la-da" came on Pandora and it hit me, 'la la la la....life goes on' is LEGIT and I am happy freaking proof.

"Ob-la-di ob-la-da" is one of those songs that causes me to stop what I'm doing, smile like crazy, turn up the volume, dance and sing along. The funny thing is, the lyrics are pretty silly and simple. It's about life. Life that is happy and real and moving forward for a girl and a boy named Molly and Desmond Jones. Molly is a singer in a band and Desmond has a barrow in the market place and really likes her face.

Life HAS moved on for me and I am so incredibly happy. There is laughter, there is love, there is success, but most of all there is a lot of liking my own face. I have so much to be grateful for, but most of all I am grateful to look in the mirror and SEE my happy which also means seeing the peace. That's a challenging task for someone who has spent a few too many days "faking it to make it" in her life. When I can see and feel the same, I count it as a red letter banner day. We all know that I don't sugar coat anything so let's muse for a moment about the things that I had to do to make this possible. I have learned over and over and over in life, NOTHING comes for free and it especially doesn't come without effort.

Make Time For Quiet. I experienced a lot of noise when I made the decision to relocate out-of-state. Noise was defined as tying loose ends with my apartment lease, cancelling all the utilities, changing addresses, saying good bye to the VIP list of friends that I would miss dearly and on and on and on. When I first arrived here, I was still faced with a lot of noise as I started a new job and all the joys that went along with it. I quickly found that the times when I could sit and snuggle in a quiet place were therapeutic and absolutely necessary because my brain was forced to be quiet and THAT is as good as gold for a mental health warrior princess such as myself. One of my favorite things to do in my quiet time is read. Reading has been a place of solace for me this past year and that didn't change when the scenery changed.

Don't Force The Routine.  I am a pretty chill control freak. That means that I like order in my career, but I don't stress about the laundry not getting folded TODAY on the home-front, but I go ape shit cray if someone messes with my desk at work or doesn't follow clearly written policy. Oxymoron incarnate?  Yes.  Do I care what you think about that? Nope. What I've learned to embrace at home (don't sweat folding the laundry if you're having a bad mental health day) has been grossly overdue at work and vice versa at home (aka I probably SHOULD care about the laundry not being folded). Whenever I start a new job I am full throttle and want to transition as fast as possible because transition is awkward and painful and NOT fun. After some really challenging lessons last year I learned that I needed to slow the hell down in my career and be a little bit more chill during the transition phase. I've done my best so far and it was like clockwork when I hit the one month mark and suddenly the honeymoon period was O-ver and I was forced to be bad ass boss lady again and make things happen now.

Celebrate The Small Victories. I keep my career and those details out of my blog life because they are separate. However, I made a big decision to come back to a career that was suffocating me in Utah. It was a big leap of faith for me and I've had a few days this year that I've thought, "what the hell was I thinking coming back?" But then, I had multiple days last week when my team's efforts were manifested in small, yet big victories within our company. Last week I sat at my desk for at least a half hour and just soaked in the pure joy of seeing the fruits of my labors pop up in emails. I also took the opportunity to take myself to dinner as a celebration of this huge step. Don't short change yourself of the celebration that should come when you accomplish small, yet important, tasks in your life. They ALL matter so treat them that way.

Ditch The Toxic. I accumulated some toxic when I lived in Utah. Some toxic air to breathe for 4 months during the winter, attitudes, habits and people. Just as I had to purge a lot of physical items out of my house to make this move possible, I had to purge the other toxins out of my life too. It's not an easy task to tell someone in your life that they are a ridiculous excuse of a human and that you will no longer expend energy to care about them when they clearly do NOT care back. It's also really challenging to step away from social media sources that are a constant reminder of what you miss in the former home, but also reminds you of the ticking time bomb that your life was in 2015.  Have the courage to walk away and close the chapter.  I will also tell you that as you ditch the toxic, the happy has more room to exist and gives you the chance to see life in a whole new light and it is beautiful.

Try New Things. One of the inevitable realities that comes with moving to a new place are the new things to do and see. From the moment I arrived in Idaho, I started seeking out new things to do and see. I knew I needed a non-profit to volunteer with so I started to google about my chosen causes. I knew I liked to support local restaurants so I figured out who they were and when I was going to try their cuisine. I knew I had a lot of Saturdays that needed filling with solo adventures so I figured out where those places were and how the heck to get there. I knew I had some overdue winter bucket list items that needed to be crossed off the list so I made plans to do them in an effort to appreciate my colder, healthier surroundings. Oh, and in my first week here, trying new things translated to fried cheesecake. Uh, hello, fried treat of absolute sinful goodness! Where have you been all my life?????

Trust The Timing. I'm a planner and I have some very specific personal goals that I need to accomplish in 2016. Some of them are quite daunting on paper and it's been really challenging to swallow the reality that some of these goals are not happening overnight.  In fact, none of them are happening overnight. I don't have a magic wand or a twitching nose full of witchcraft. Damn it, but I don't. So why do I think it will just magically poof itself fixed? I've made a promise to myself that I will continue to trust in the timing of my life and not let the looming goals and hopes and dreams take over my here and now because my here and now is pretty damn amazing and peaceful. This one has especially been hard for a couple matters of the heart, but I've handed that messy, frustrating shit over to the big man upstairs because I don't have a crystal ball or magic eight ball that actually work. Le sigh.

The final words of the song go like this, "Yeah, ob-la-di ob-la-da life goes on bra
La-la how the life goes on
Yeah, ob-la-di ob-la-da life goes on bra
La-la how the life goes on
And if you want some fun
Take ob-la-di ob-la-da"

Life is fun. Life is still hard and challenging, but it is moving forward one day at a time. To those of you who are sitting in a chapter of life in which you think that things will never change, please know that it WILL if you make the effort to keep moving and singing and celebrating the small victories. You will get through your challenges that are set before you today. Tomorrow offers you another chance at living and loving and I know that you can do it. Don't lose hope and don't short change yourself from seeking the help and support that is right there waiting for you to utilize.

The moral of the story: life ABSOLUTELY goes on.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Love Is Transforming.

In case my nephews' view on love wasn't enough, I'm gifting you with the next installment of what love means, courtesy of my friend's preschool students.  I was DYING as she shared them with me and had to change up the order of sharing musings from other kiddos because these were just too funny to share after the conspiracy holiday.  Before you wet your pants laughing, please remember that we really should just take what 3 year-olds say and apply it to life and be done.

"Love is like a transformer toy. It's fun and then it's not. But if you pretend to be a transformer then that's really fun." Love is SO transforming.  Some days it can make you so damn crazy that you want to cry and other days it carries you through the heaviest burdens and trials and brings insurmountable amounts of happiness. And some days it's just so chill and you look at the person across the room and laugh because they are your lobster (Friends reference) and they are weird and you love it. Some of the greatest examples of transforming love have been my friends who have walked side-by-side with a spouse during a health crisis or some other life rattling event. This fall my dear friend lost her husband to cancer and it was one of the most inspiring and heartbreaking things to watch as she loved him to his very last breath and STILL continues to love and remember him as she raises their three incredible kids who are so much like their daddy.  Love is transforming when imperfections take over and a couple has to strip their pride to decide if they can and want to make their relationship work or give up.  Love is transforming when two people want nothing more than to have a baby and that is not what God has in mind and they have to fight in the trenches of infertility treatments and/or adoption together. The transforming power of love means that you face life together with grit, compassion and faith.

"I think love is for hipsters, spaghettioes, and my mom because they're all weird." Spaghettioes are WAY weird.  Is it a starch, is it meat, does it make me glad that the zombie apocalypse hasn't happened yet and that's all we have to eat? Who really knows, but I concur that love is weird....and some hipsters are dang weird and wear pants that are too tight, but a lot of them are pretty endearing. Many of the endearing kind live in Ogden, my former 'hood, and I heart them. And what about moms?  They are so totally weird, but most of us are weird just like 'em and are too chicken to admit it. Don't tell my mom that I might be one of them.  

"Play dates are super exhausting. You think they like you, but they really just want to play. BORING!" At this point in the conversation, I would have switched in to the sweet, loving feminist in the room and say, "sweetie, ladies don't got no time for the playas. Either they like ya or they don't." Boring wouldn't be my choice of adjective as much as blasted frustrating. I too find play dates exhausting and I'm a grown up. I saw a meme on Pinterest this week about women not wanting to waste time playing and that we just want to get down to business and date. Yep.  Cut the crap and put the word commitment back in your vocab selection and let's do this. Otherwise, stroll on back to high school and play those man child games with your besties. We deserve the best, whether we are male or female, and the games are BORING. Let's be real, let's be raw and let's LOVE!

"I had a movie date."
"That's exciting, what did you watch?"
"I don't remember, I was more sad he didn't notice my lip gloss and eye pretties." Boys. What oddly handsome and necessary creatures. How many of us have dated someone and in the midst of dating we bought new shoes, a pretty dress or actually DID our hair and he didn't notice and we were pissed?  The transformation of love sometimes means that we have to bring those little things that matter to their attention in the form of a bullet point list with the most important at the top.  And if the most important is "I wore red hooker shoes, put on mascara and lip gloss for you so you better notice" then make sure they know it. I'm no expert on dealing with men, but one of the things I've learned from working with a lot of them over the years is they respond better to less fluff and more bullet points. Super romantical, right?

 "Miss A, I love you a whole lot."
"I love you too!"
"Like as much as to the sun and back. Although you might die at the sun, so I can't love you anymore." Damn the boundaries. What are boundaries you ask? Well, if you have to ask me then you go to that corner and I will stay in this corner and go on loving at a level I can....you know the kind where I don't burn up and DIE. I'll admit that it's challenging to put boundaries on certain relationships because we may love too much.  How do we define loving too much?  Loving someone who doesn't love us back as much as we love them just isn't fair. It's sucky, but we deserve better. We so totally deserve to love on the moon and not burn up.  Hashtag: put that on a pillow.  

And so it goes, the humans of a 3 year-old variety have their crap together on love and we should listen up.

The moral of the story: Love changes us, but shouldn't burn us. It calls for a lot of grit and laughter and perhaps some strolling to a real date in our pretty red shoes and it's totally worth it when they're our lobster.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Love Is Happy.

Is it just me or is February the other F word for a few of you? I can't say that I particularly enjoy it myself for an extensive list of reasons that starts with winter is stupid and the 14th is that 1st quarter conspiracy holiday.  Now, don't get me wrong, I can't get enough of pink and red, roses, hand dipped chocolates and boxes of conversation hearts that bust my teeth, but it gets old pretending like the oozing blah blah blah is fun and that I should expect all those gifts listed above on THAT day more than any OTHER day.  So let's muse for a minute.

I've often brought up the subject of love on le bloggy blog. I've talked about how those three little words are some of the hardest words for some people to say audibly.  I've also talked about loving ourselves and taking care of our needs in the midst of hard times. But, I haven't really talked about it from the perspective of the profoundest love experts around and those are the little people. Have you ever had the chance to sit at a table of 5 year olds and listen to their version of life and living and loving? Compelling stuff. I had the chance to learn a whole lotta something while I was doing service in the Land o' Kindergarten in Utah. So, that got me thinking; what would the little people say about love?  And more specifically, what would MY little loves aka my ruffian, goofy nephews tell me that love meant to them?  What emerged was some of the sweetest, cutest and totally hysterical responses and I hearted all of them.  So, what's their opinion on this important matter?  Well....read on and find out.

Love is huggin' and kissin' according to all of them in their exact words.  It was a unanimous decision that love means you hug and you kiss. I can work with this! And I concur!  The huggin' and the kissin' is AWESOME when you love someone. Sometimes you have a little more huggin' than kissin' and it's OK. Hugs all around as far as I'm concerned and smoochies (S family dialect for mauling with kisses) for those we care about most or brothers who we want to embarrass the hell out of with a sloppy wet one on the cheek when he least expects it.

Love is happy.  And then the aunt's heart melted because their cute little faces said love is happy almost in unison.  Love IS happy! I am not a unicorns and rainbow blogger and going to fill you with the crap that love is EASY. Love takes a LOT of work and sometimes, as nephew #3 so eloquently chimed in, love is sad. Sending your love to heaven is super duper sad. Tough love is way sad. Tough love is not fun, especially when you have to walk away from someone because they are sucking the life out of you and making you bat shit cray. But!  Love IS happy and when the laughter, joy and trust is present, the happiness overflows.  I will also submit to you that if you are in a situation that you THINK is love and you are constantly sad, please get help and/or get out.  Please evaluate the root of your sadness and have the courage to make a change. That change may include some tough love of walking away, but I know you can do it!

Love is to be kind. I openly admit that my oldest nephew melts my heart with his tenderness and attention to the well-being of others. I didn't say he's my favorite, but he is so so much like my side of the family, specifically my dad, in that he truly cares and LOVES everyone. He remembers people's names and their life stories and he wants to know about everything. It made me smile that his version of love was to be kind. Amen and amen, my love. There is entirely too much hate in this world and it boils my blood when people are bullies and bigots because someone is different than they are. What the hell, people? Did you not learn the song, "Jesus Said Love Everyone?" Oh wait....that's a Mormon thing....scratch that. That song is a real thing and the title is just as the song goes. We need to love EVERYONE. I've been on a NetFlix binge the last couple of weeks that somehow roped in a lot of WWII movies. I'm fascinated by the history of that war, but I've watched a lot of movies that portrayed the other side of the war, namely the extreme racism and hate for groups of people that was completely unjustified. We can show infinite amounts of love just by smiling at a stranger and saying thank you to someone who least expects it. Kindness does not mean bravado, nor does it mean a marriage proposal.  Gasp..... We are all fighting a fight within our souls, play nice in the sandbox of life would ya?

Love is giving them a card and toys.  As the video interview continued they got progressively more silly. Surprised?  3 boys under the age of 6 being silly?  What?  No way.  My sister-in-law managed to catch nephew #2 saying that love meant buying them a card and toys. Ha! I love it. Definitely an answer from a kiddo, but let's be honest, I love handwritten cards so very much and if toys translates to Tiffany's then I'm SO IN!  However, I kind of wish that I could still construct a gaudy, yet super creative valentine box and have people put the itty bitty cheesy valentines in it. In fact, I would so love if a future sweetheart did just that on good old V Day.  He might win more points than some fancy pants dinner that requires I wear pants and make-up.....we can do that any day. Future Mr. @beYOUdesignsUT is still incognito, but I really appreciate it when someone is thoughtful enough to send me a handwritten note of any kind.  A sentimental old school hippie.  That's me.  I really do want peace and love....and pizza....oh wait....wrong topic....squirrel!

I hope that each and every one of us can find much to be happy about when the topic of love comes up in conversation and all over the media during the F month. No wearing black and a veil on February 14th, but you don't necessarily have to bust out your cupid get-up either. Love because you get to love. Love like it is a gift because it is a gift. Love can be your sunshine on a cloudy, cranky ass moody day. And if you still can't find anything to smile about just remember this.....the nephews' parting words on what love meant to them were this.... "love is lots of spanks."  Cue the giggling.  You're welcome.

The moral of the story: Love is the breath of life and the greatest test of life. Follow your heart; it will never ever let you down.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Let Me Sleep or Prepare to Die.

Today my hairdresser text me to postpone my hair cut appointment due to sick littles at her house. In the midst of our conversation I wished her well and my hopes that she would be able to catch up on her beauty sleep. She laughed and lamented the need to catch up on a LOT of beauty sleep. Aw, sleep, how I loveth thee. So much that I hereby warn my lovelies that if you mess with my sleep you may die. Don't believe me? Ha, good luck with that.  

Not long ago I read a compelling article about the increase in postpartum depression in women because there is an expectation to forego sleep because you're the mom and that's what you do. It posed some really staggering statistics about the increase in depression and mental illness in the early days of a new baby because the mamma is so damn tired.  Why does it have to be that way? Let the mama take a nap already!

I'll be perfectly honest with all of you that my biggest fear of being pregnant isn't actually being pregnant. It's the after-my-baby-is-born part. I know that I'm 100% capable of being a kick ass mom, but I don't know if my brain can do it. I'm a planner and a calculated maker of choices and the unknown of what might happen postpartum, based on my history, is hella scary. But, I digress....sort of.

So, why am I so cray about sleep? Well, two words: zombie redhead. I mean, let's be honest, I'm an unfiltered, sassy pants when I'm rested and fed. Do you really want to mess with the alternate version of Ray? Hint: the answer is N-O. All joking aside, I really am a believer in the immense power of sleep. While I was a teenager, my family would attend church at 9 am every Sunday. It was a contest to see who could eat lunch and be down for a nap the fastest after we got home. It was a win-win for my mom that all of her children inherited their dad's champion napping skills because it meant she had guranteed quiet time. I looked forward to my Sunday nap and I still do. As a busy teen, I needed those 2-4 hours to recharge my brain for the next week. This continued as a college student and in to my adult life. At one point in my career I lived close enough to my office that I could sneak in a 15 minute nap on my lunch hour. Those power naps saved me during a very trying time of life. 

Sleep has a way of resetting my mental batteries and helping me cope with just about anything. It grounds me during the storm.  When I've had a rough day I generally cry it out (remember how I'm a stress crier?), take a bath, take a nap and THEN make a plan of how to handle the situation. I know myself well enough to know that making any kind of decision while I'm sad and tired is just asking for trouble. Emotionally driven decisions are generally rash and short sided.  Nap it out, then work it out.  #putthatonapillow

The other reason I'm a fighter for the cause of sleep is because I know that in any kind of depression situation, the first thing to go is sleep. I know this because I've experienced it. I've spent too many nights staring at my ceiling and the spinning overhead fan while waiting....begging....for the sleep to come and as soon as the sun came up I couldn't stay awake. It's a viscious cycle and I guard my ability to sleep when I'm meant to sleep more than anything. 

I think the best reason to let me sleep (besides not dying) is my ability to move mountains when I'm rested and recharged. Let me sleep and when I wake we can move mountains. It's so simple! 

The moral of the story: Zombie redheads aren't fun. Let the lady sleep. Trust me.

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R

The Roots of Our Soul.

Over the years, I've often thought back on some of the poorest choices I made in my life and how they came about and why I thought it was acceptable to do it.  One particular instance haunts me because I know that it was a choice made while I was in pain and without deeply planted roots of self confidence and love for myself.  I've forgiven myself, but I will always live with a reminder in my brain of the how and why and that I am forever grateful I was brave enough to face my fear and be a better person in spite of myself.

I think many of us make choices in our lives because our roots are weak and we think that our worth is far less than it actually is so why would it matter if we do what we do? It breaks my heart when I have people tell me, "I hate myself so much that I can't accept that someone might love me."  What brings a person to this point?  The breakdown of trust, communication and a spiritual root system that keeps them intact.  I've been there. It's a dark, cold, lonely place. But, the good news is, it doesn't last forever.  And thank goodness.

I reference my time in organized therapy on a regular basis because I am not ashamed that I sought help to cope. I also want others to feel safe in talking with me about their struggles and their experiences with therapy. Therapy doesn't cure you. Not even CLOSE, but the greatest gift you can walk away with is the ability to grow your roots back and build a foundation again. It took about 6 weeks before I felt the breakdown of my weak root system. What commenced was a catastrophic meltdown and physical pain because of emotional issues. There is absolutely no way we can start over until we hit rock bottom. It's the moments of having absolutely nothing except for us and God that we figure out a way to conquer our fear to take root in new ways.

One of my all-time favorite Disney/Pixar movies is "A Bug's Life." For whatever reason it has always been a movie that I can pop in to calm my nerves and laugh. The dialogue and one-liners are some of Disney's finest. One scene in particular involves Flick attempting to give an analogy of the giant tree growing from a seed and the seed is actually a rock.  Dot says to him, "this rock is going to become a tree?" and Flick freaks out and has to reexplain his point and that it takes time to grow and become strong like the tree. I always laugh because Dot says to him, "you're weird." Oh how I can relate to being weird for being a woman who relates so well to analogies by a talking ant.

Another priceless gift that I gained from therapy was the ability to say to myself, "how can I apply this event, trial, whatever, to other aspects of my life?"  Along with that I also learned the valuable mental tool, "what have I learned from this mistake and how will I live my life differently because of it?" Both of those statements take an incredible amount of "reality check" and brutal honesty with ourselves because the answer may not be what we want to hear. To that I say with all the love in my heart, tough shit. Face reality, strip your pride and be brave and full of faith to face your weaknesses.

In nature, the strongest trees can withstand the elements of weather, wind and aging with a deeply bedded root system. The same goes for us.  I love the quote above about laughing at storms.  I don't know about you, but the last thing I'm doing in the middle of a storm, figuratively or literally, is laughing.  Usually I'm crying and hiding under my blankets in my bed.  The point of this quote is that we CAN face storms with a smile on our face if we have a root system that is strong and deep.  Without a solid root system, we can't discern what is right and what is wrong and where the boundaries lie as we fight the good fight and find ourselves again.

Many of you who read this blog know me personally and know the inner and external battles I've fought.  Some of you know more than others, but I want you ALL to know this, my roots of regrowth after I went to see my Jen is what changed EVERYTHING. (her website) I know this because I have never experienced anything like my 2015 and I am here to tell you that I didn't drown because I had roots of faith and strength to hold on to with all my might. I had love in my heart for myself and others around me and I kept myself grounded by serving and allowing others to serve me.

The moral of the story: Even when the roots are cut, they can still grow back and be better than ever.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

To Cope or Not To Cope...

Well, hello, my lovelies! First of all, HaPPy NEW Year! If you're anything like me you gave 2015 a swift kick in the ass and said hello to 2016 with gusto. I've been on a personal hiatus from le blog because I've been settling in to a new Chez Ray.  Chez Ray Country, as I've affectionately named it, is finally coming together which means my brain is less mushy and I can concentrate on the fun stuff like the bloggy blog!

They say that hindsight is 20/20, but I think it takes YEARS before that is actually true. I look back on some big life hurdles that I had in my 20's and a few of them I can say, "that happened for a reason because of THIS, but I don't know about that." Throughout my time in Utah, especially while I was in therapy, I was hella angry and bitter at my realities, but I know for certain that those 18 months of brutal shedding of toxins were preparing me for some tough life challenges that I would have 5 years later.  As I shared in my last post, Ogden was tough, but it was glorious.  I've officially been gone for 10 days today and they've been challenging, but they have also been full of peace. I have dubbed myself a "coping ninja" after 2015 because there were so many opportunities for me to give up and lay on the floor and get trampled and I didn't do it.  Not once. I paid my bills with hardly any money, I served others who were in far greater need than me and most of all, I turned back to God and put the outcome of my life in His hands.

To cope or not to cope? That is the question we face at times in our lives. I wish I could diagram it for some people because it seems that it is a concept that is not grasped by many. From an early age we teach our children that crying is not acceptable in certain circumstances and then at some point we hope that as teens and adults they pick up on the memo that crying is actually healthy and necessary and not a sign of weakness.  One of the first steps I had to take in my quest to be a coping ninja was letting myself cry.  I'm a stress crier.  It's ridiculous actually, but I've let it be. For many years, I was discouraged to cry in times of stress. The philosophy was that we cry when we are hurt; the rest of the time it shows we are weak.  Wrong, my lovelies.  Absolutely wrong. I held my crap together pretty well during 2015 and its long list of challenges, but there were a lot of times that I couldn't take it anymore and fell apart.  Probably the queen of all comeaparts (totally a word) was on New Year's Eve (impeccable timing) when the moving truck company called me to say that they did not have a truck on their lot in Ogden (I was in Idaho) and there was nothing they could do to help me since I wasn't standing in front of them with my fancy gold credit card in hand. I LOST MY MARBLES on the phone with the truck company employee. I'm sure she was pissed about being at work on the biggest drinking holiday of the year, but I was also completely pissed that it somehow wasn't her problem that the truck I had reserved ten days earlier wasn't sitting on her lot and I was finding out about it while my friend was there to pick up said M.I.A. truck.  The rest of the story goes like this: Uhaul saved the day and I got to move on New Year's Day as planned.  The end result was different than I had planned, but it still accomplished the same goal and for THAT I was grateful and moved forward.  That is coping.  Coping is accepting that we don't have control over everything so we need to accept what is and roll with it.

The second step in my coping ninja quest was finding the root of my pain and addressing the solution from there. I think it's really hard for people to be 100% honest with themselves about the root of their struggles. We all come from different religious backgrounds and family situations that have given us differing foundations (or none at all for some) of how to analyze our life and conquer our trials.  As a society we tend to opt to labels. "I have commitment and trust issues so I drink to numb the pain." "I just broke up with my girlfriend/boyfriend so I'm going to sleep with whoever will have me because that seems to make me feel better in the moment." "I've had a terrible day at work so I'm going to eat everything in my fridge and then throw it up so that I don't get fat." Each of those scenarios, drastic as they sound, are real and happen often to those around us.  I've generally been a "stop eating when life gets hard" kind of lady, but this year I didn't lose the token 20 pounds....I gained it.  I was SO angry when I realized that.  Wait what?  Because my fall back on stress should be the weight loss plan? What it really showed to me was my body was done and couldn't work on overtime to keep my brain functioning like a normal person AND burn fat AND keep me from killing small animals.  Not possible! Coping meant this to my body: going to bed at night and shutting my brain down to sleep, waking up my brain in the morning and filling my heart with faith to take more steps and sending messages to the muscles in my legs to take those steps out the door so I could conquer my trials. The rest was just details.

The third step is letting go of what we can't control and giving it over to a higher being. Many times I've had the opportunity to share my thoughts on God's role in my life. A lot of those opportunities have been to kids or teens so I have composed a simple version. Ironically, the simple version also appeals to the adult audiences because it's just that: plain and simple and to the point. Our life is a time line of events here, here, here and here. Sometimes we can handle a LOT and other times we can handle very little. The good news is that God and Jesus Christ fill in the gaps for us, as we communicate with them through prayer about our shortcomings and what we can't take anymore.  He then sends people into our lives to fill in the gaps, to fill our buckets when the well is dry.  I've experienced it over and over.  The element of coping comes in to play when we can put down our pride and admit that we are weak and the people being sent to help are there because WE NEED THEM. If you need help, ask, but don't turn away the acts of kindness when they arrive and seem remedial to you.  You are the source of someones intuition to help; don't crush that opportunity for them.  Let yourself be loved, looked after and blessed.

I am really grateful for the understanding that my life has a purpose and that my inability to control every little part is OK.  I'm also grateful that when I have a weepy weak day of missing my friends and loves that God fills in the gaps and carries me home and puts peace in my heart while I pour myself to bed.

The moral of the story: The future is bright for each and every one of us and we can accomplish a LOT with patience and the ability to breathe, trust and cope.

Until next time, my lovelies.
-R

My O-town.

Necklace - Ume Boutique, red dress - Deseret Industries, skirt - Chic Style Box

Chez Ray has been a teeny bit chaotic since last we chatted. The time has come, after much prayer and tears and more prayer and immense peace, to bid farewell to my O-town.  I didn't think I would ever say it, but the chain of events that have led up to it are nothing short of obvious that it's time.  The show must go on and I'm stoked for new adventures and new friends.  A lady can never have too many friends, now can she?

As I reflected back on my time in Ogden I was reminded of the immense blessing it was to be sent here.  I still remember the utter shock that people voiced when I told them I was moving to the 'hood. From the minute I parked my car in front of my new home, I knew it was home and for that I was grateful.  Kelsey and I set out to find urban art in Ogden for our last photo shoot.  The charm that Ogden has because of the incredible urban art is never-ending.  There is some serious talent in this awesome town.  My favorite is a mural that is located on the wall of a local eatery called The Pizza Runner.  It is a joint collaboration of two artists: Chris Kiernan and Rich Ramos. Chris' work can be seen in the Ogden location of Lucky Slice Pizza and I LOVE his style.  I swoon over his fonts.  Like for reaslies.  I mean check this out:

I asked Chris to share some of the backstory on his portion of the mural and this is what he said, "I was asked by my friend Rich Ramos to paint part of the Pizza Runner wall, he had painted the previous mural and this time he wanted to share the space. The beautiful female face on the wall at this time is his work. Dayton is the skater featured on my portion of the wall, he has grown up skateboarding in front of my camera so I decided to base part of my mural on a photo of him doing a crooked grind in downtown Ogden as a thanks for all the good times out skating. The previous mural also featured some Otown lettering and Rich always got good feedback on it so he wanted the new mural to carry on that theme. The lettering is my classic style that goes back more than 20 years, simple enough for everyone to read but still graffiti."

This location was insanely fun to shoot with as a backdrop.  LOTS of color and contrast, but also a bit of random matchy matchy.  Who hearts my nails and jewelry?  ALL handmade by amazing artisans.  As we shot this outfit, I had a chance to look at the lovely lady up close.  She is GORGEOUS.  Red lips and a look of peace on her face.  My kinda chick.  I may have said to her, "it's you and me against the world, lady!"

I found many treasures while I lived in the 'hood.  But, most of all I found me. I found the Ray that is supposed to be where she is meant to be.  I found a woman who loves deeply with all her heart, wants the small business owner to succeed even in the crappy times, wants the at-risk kids to be safe and wants every single female on the planet (and the men in their life) to know that they are of great worth and value no matter their size, financial status, skin color, mental health state, religion and sexual orientation.  "Let It Be and Celebrate" became my life.  Celebrate on the shitty days.  Celebrate when you really just want to cry yourself to sleep or punch the stupid boy in the face or simply give up.  Keep. Going.  Keep. Loving. Let. It. Be.  

Top & skirt - Macy*s, shoes - Endless Indulgence Retro Wear, location - Ogden Union Station

In Ogden I learned how to face my own shadow and look forward with faith.  I learned that some of the greatest adventures come to us in the midst of what we think is our greatest storm.  I lost TWO jobs in 2015 and not because of anything I did. Taking chances failed TWICE for me in a year. That meant I had to look at myself in the mirror every day for more than half of the year and say, "you did what you could and God will bless you during all of this."  That is NOT easy, my lovelies. Just ask my empty savings account. My shadow was my constant companion and I had to set the guilt aside and trust in God's timing and BREATHE. 

 This quirky railroad town stole my heart because it was FULL of history that included my family.  Ogden was home sweet home for many of my ancestors and I got to learn about them first hand and see their homes and visit their graves and gain courage from their struggles while living here.  I also learned that in the early days of Ogden you had to come here before you could go anywhere on the train.  I feel like that.  I know that I had to come here before I left Utah so that I could learn to love again and bust out of my shell for real.  I had to live post-therapy like a boss and learn some critical life lessons while I was at it.

One of the number one lessons I learned from Ogden is that good people who believe in a community can change the world.  This town is renowned for it's view and it's snow, but did you know that it is also known for the non-profit work that goes on?  We have one of the BEST homeless shelters in the country and my view of emergency housing drastically changed when I got to know the director.  We have NO idea the struggles that people face and why they are homeless. I learned to have compassion and look out for others who have it way worse than I do. 

 Ogden taught me that it's not always black and white. Sometimes we have to go against the grain because it is the right thing to do.  A seemingly wrong choice still has a lesson, thereby it is still a good choice because it has taught us that valuable lesson.  I learned to give people a chance, but to stand my ground when I had reached my limit.  

O-town was a good town for this lady and I will forever be grateful for the stones that were turned over because I took a chance on moving to the 'hood of Utah. Everything happens for a reason and I know that this next chapter will be just as amazing.  In the meantime, pray I don't go batty while packing up my house or send it all to Goodwill because I've had it with packing boxes. Pray that Mother Nature plays nice while I'm trying to drive a moving van with my life in it in the dead of winter. The struggle is real, believe me. Which reminds me, I should be sleeping...it's only 1 am.  Sigh.....

So now as I start my last week in Ogden and wait for the next chapter to begin, I thank my lucky stars that I have found my flair, my sass and affinity for red lipstick (and shoes) in this hippie, snowy, GORGEOUS, sometimes dog-food-smelly, quirky railroad town.  I'm a changed woman because I took a chance and followed my heart.  2016 is going to be amazing.  I know it.  How could it not be after this wackadoodle year???

The moral of the story: faith changes everything and in 2015 it did just that for me.  

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R