Five.

This week marked a big milestone for me. On Thursday, March 17th, St. Patrick's Day, I celebrated my 5 year anniversary since I buttoned up organized therapy.  I ended therapy on St. Patrick's Day on purpose.  I LOVE the holiday (it's that redhead in me) and I always wanted to remember the end with a happy day.  If I was a drinker I would maybe have an extra drink, but alas, I am not, so I had a big fat piece of sinful 7 layer chocolate cake in my princess bed and it was glorious.  

I've written about my experiences in therapy and post therapy a number of times on le blog. There is a lot about the therapy process that is still so wrought with stigmas and misconceptions in the media and I've tried to be as open and honest as I can about the process and what I learned.  There is also a part of my experience that purposely is staying in the past.  It includes the mistakes, the heartaches and the toxic pain that I shed through the help of my amazing therapist.  History remains history and there is just some of it that I don't need or want to talk about.  I know I have a lot of readers who have struggled with the process of therapy and didn't feel like it helped them.  Today I am going to be very real and very honest so that you can see that therapy didn't actually cure me.  Therapy made me a better me so that I could face life differently.  But, it sure as hell did not cure me. 

The first thing I want you to know about therapy: there is absolutely no shame in seeking help.  There is immense value in talking to a third party that you are not emotionally connected with in any way other than the fact that you air your dirty laundry to them and they take notes and offer suggestions for coping.  These brave souls who have chosen the career of mental health specialists are highly educated and wired to take on the analysis of our lives and brains.  God bless them because I couldn't do it.  I know enough about people and their weirdness through my chosen profession, but I don't need to know more.  Much of the shame that we may feel is because our brains are so mucked up with trying to deal that they want us to give up so that the wiring doesn't have to change.  However, just like a well-maintained engine, our brains do so much better when they are oiled and monitored and flushed on a periodic basis and therapy can serve that purpose if we will let it.  

The second thing I want you to know about therapy: it is only as good as how you apply it in your every day life.  I was TERRIFIED to end my time with Jennifer because I knew it meant I had to deal on my own.  It was scary to think about having relationships and facing life challenges after I was done checking in with her.  I made absolutely sure that I was ready to fly on my own, but I also had a long list of things that I kept and still keep close to my heart.  What are my triggers?  Who are my triggers?  What calms me down?  What can I let slide and what do I have to always do when I'm having a tough mental health day?  How do I stop myself from the avalanche of "what ifs" that I'm so good at doing?  Who do I trust implicitly with all the hairy details and who am I on a "need to know, surface only" basis?  The list goes on and on.  More than once I have had to sit myself down and have a mental tune-up to get myself back on track after a big event or boulder fell out of the sky.  2015 anyone?  My most recent therapy post talked about a pair of shoes that reminded me of a terribly awful relationship mistake that I made.  In the post I talked about keeping them as a reminder of what I had accomplished.  I am happy to report, that because of my own blog post and the triggers that I set off (boo to me), I ended up getting rid of those hot polka-dotted vintage inspired pumps because they (a silly pair of shoes) were a trigger and they needed to go.  Talk about a weight lifted when I don't see the lurking reminder in my closet anymore.  

The third thing I want you to know about therapy: you are still going to have hard days.  You're going to have completely shitty, sad, crying, awful, hard-as-hell days.  But, you will also have days when you will think, "wow, pre-therapy me would have crumbled quicker and longer in this scenario than post-therapy me." My knees still get bruised and bloody when I fall and my heart still breaks when a relationship ends or someone dies.  But, how I treat myself and how I work through it compared to pre-therapy is light years different.  I still ache to have a better reality in regards to a couple of things in my life, but I know that gratitude conquers all and with that I relish in what I DO have and let the rest go.  

The fourth thing I want you to know about therapy:  Decide that you will not settle for any type of treatment or abuse that will put you right back to where you were pre-therapy. THIS takes practice and a whole hell of a lot of effort. I'm still finding out little quirks and nuances that I thought were fully addressed are, in fact, still a raging issue if I'm not careful. I've had some conversations with my friends that have recently divorced when I asked them, "what went wrong on both sides and how will you improve yourself the next time?" There are a lot of people, myself included, who have a hard time admitting they were wrong and at fault and that they need to use their picker with more prudence next time. If your surroundings need to change for your therapy to stick, then move.  Have the faith to do it.  If you need to have a sitter to watch your kids so you can go to the gym, then MAKE IT HAPPEN and go to the gym.  If you need friends who don't encourage you to drink like a crazy person or use drugs, then bravely cut them off and find new friends.  If you need to have a date night and some good loving calendared with your sweetheart then write it on the damn calendar and do it!  Remember how I said therapy is only as good as you apply it to your daily life?  Well it is.  Trust me.  Don't spend all that money, time and effort and expect no change necessary.  That is a LIE.  Change is the point.  Change is the healer.  

The fifth thing I want you to know about therapy: You can go back.  Jennifer called them booster visits and I've had a few.  The funny part about mine was that we usually chuckled together because I knew what I needed to do and was well on my way to the right path.  Going to see her for a booster visit was mostly for validation that I was, in fact, coping like a boss without her.  I've kept in contact with her and will send her a periodic email from time-to-time just to solidify that I'm doing well and that she's still there.  I've referred a lot of friends to her. When it came time to leave Utah, I promise you that I had a conscious thought process that included "what if I ever need to go see Jennifer? Will this next home be close enough that I could do that?"  The answer is yes, but I'm confident that I probably won't need to use that lifeline because I am using her advice every day as best I can.  

I am grateful for this milestone.  It has not been an easy 5 years.  Holy hell, at times, it has been everything but easy. I've felt a lot of anger and hate, but I've also learned to deeply, truly love others and myself and I know that my choice to give organized therapy a shot is the reason why.  Don't give up on yourself. Talk to someone who can help you trudge through your sorrow and confusion.

The moral of the story: Breathe. Trust. Love. Have faith in the timing AND the process.  And most of all work.  Work very very hard to be your best you in spite of your imperfections.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Oh, The Places.

Last week many elementary schools in the United States celebrated the birth of Dr. Seuss with a day dedicated to his books and beloved characters. Social media was overflowing with cute art projects, soldier dads reading to classrooms full of kids and lots of quotable quotes from the good man himself.  As I enjoyed the total cuteness of Dr. Suess kiddo fandom, I was reminded of a Dr. Seuss book that continues to influence me even as a grown-up.  The book is, "Oh, the Places You'll Go!"

Who doesn't love Dr. Seuss and his quirky characters and perspective on life?  I loved sharing my thoughts on the Grinch last Christmas.  However, this book definitely takes the front row seat of favorites for me.  "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" was published in 1990 and was Dr. Suess' last published work. It was a deeply introspective book that touched many the minute it hit the bookshelves. I was lucky enough to receive a copy of the book from a family friend when I graduated from high school. She had personalized the book with photos from my childhood and teen years to go along with the words. It meant a lot to me, but I really had NO CLUE what places I would really go, literally and figuratively.

Fast forward 15+ years and here I am at a crossroads of life. I wouldn't categorize it as a mid-life crisis because it is far from what I define as a crisis. If anything it is a time of rebirth, redefining and fine tuning. Added to this mix is the experiences my family is having as my youngest sister finishes up her college education and anxiously awaits to graduate from college.  She and I have always been very close and I am almost a second mom (but cooler and mouthier) so I've had some mamma bear sentimental moments with her. She's my kid sister, not this gorgeous grown-up woman. She and I have talked a lot about what is ahead of her and what her plans for the future include. She is MUCH wiser and more sound with her finances than I ever was or will be, but she still experiences a lot of fear of the future like any normal, yet crazy senior in college. She shared some sentiments on Facebook last night that I really loved and had to laugh about because I remember being in her shoes, except Facebook was still being created and the entire universe didn't know I felt this way. She said, "Whoa. It just hit me that I'm turning 22 this year. What the heck happened to, oh, I don't know, my WHOLE LIFE? Oh, the things I have seen and done. There is really nothing that special about turning 22. It's all like, "Congratulations for settling in to your twenties. Enjoy them while you can 'cause before you know it, you'll be turning 30!" Great. Thanks, Karma. I'll try to remember that." I quickly replied by saying, "Enjoy each moment. I spent a lot of my 20's hating life and wishing for something better."

I often think about what I would tell my 22 year old self.  It's basically what I am telling my almost 22 year old sister. There are a few other things that are deeply personal and not meant for the public eye, but I really do think about what I could have done better.  It took me a good 10 years to embrace my imperfections and cut out the noise of those around me telling me what they thought I should be or do. I rang in my 30's not caring one damn bit about what people thought I should be doing, but I was still an internal mess.  I was coming off of two years of crazy tough therapy as well as an awful job that took its toll emotionally and a relationship that nearly suffocated my soul. Every year of my 30's has been a HUGE year of growth and I can honestly say that last year could not have been survived without the years that lead up to it to prepare me for battle.  BUT, that still doesn't negate how excruciatingly hard it has been to recover and grow. But, life goes on and I feel so much happiness as I discover new places to visit and new adventures to start.  And it doesn't hurt that we have KILLER sunsets in the country.  How can I NOT thank God for the stunning view????

The following passage from Dr. Seuss' book really hit close to my heart because of the many adventures I've had in my 30's.  It says,

"Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And then things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too."

I love this so much! Things can happen and they WILL. I, along with the rest of humanity, dream of having a magic wand to change our circumstances, but that's impossible. Each of the places we go in our lives are with much purpose and intended for growth. Growth is best achieved when we are forced to dig our way out of the dark and find the sunshine again.  Each of the places I've been in my life have brought incredible friends to my circle and critical lessons. Last night at dinner I laughed with my bestie and her husband and mused that if she'd had a perfect marriage with her first husband then she wouldn't know me. Her shit storm became my sunshine and 12 years later we still continue to reminisce on those crazy early days of our friendship and what we've weathered together.

As things start to happen for me here in my new home, I am filled with a TON of peace and happiness that I survived last year, both emotionally and financially, and that I was brave enough to take a chance on a place that is not what I expected it to be. I'm excited to discover new places here in Idaho that I've never been to before.  The next couple of weeks include a lot of travel for work and I'm stoked to see new places, try new restaurants and bask in the beauty of nature.  I'm also excited to plan some vacations that have been dreams for YEARS and treat myself to places that I've always held back for the "what if" scenarios of my life. The time is now for Miss Ray to ENJOY her life and show some self love and care.  That is truly the best place for me to be.  Too many years have been about others first and me second.  I can't do it anymore and that's OK. So off to paradise I will go.....fa reals.

The moral of the story: even the brainy people have to use their footsies to make shit happen.  Find your happy place and GET THERE already!

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Harmony Say What??

Greetings, my lovelies! It's been a whirlwind couple of weeks at Chez Ray Country. As we've been closing up the final stages of winter (WOOOOOOOOOOOT!), my entire team at work got crazy sick and of course spread their germs to the boss. Guess how thrilled I was to cancel travel plans to the 'hood in exchange for a NyQuil-induced coma of grand proportions last weekend? To add to it, I've been struggling with transitional growing pains with my move and HUGE shifts that come with life changes and facing realities and blah blah blah.  AND, in case that wasn't enough I decided to dabble a bit in the sludge that is online dating.

So, here's the deal.  I HATE online dating about 90% of the time. The 10% of the time that I have maybe liked it was because I got damn lucky and had the chance to spend some quality time with great guys that were still not my soulmates. I've gone the rounds with friends about how much I hate it because they have had GREAT success with it and met the love of their life via electronic communication and it was "the best thing they ever did." My own best friend met her husband of almost 10 years that way and that was when meeting online was archaic compared to now. He's a pretty decent guy and I remember VERY well when she knew she was in love with him and that they would get married.  P.S. - he's actually one of the greatest men on the planet so I don't ever have much of an ally in her for my hate fire of that one site with the word harmony in it.

That brings me to my next point: harmony.  Who the hell puts harmony in their business name? It's a recipe for disaster if you ask me and I often wonder how harmonious all those sappy relationships on tv actually are after a few years of matrimony.  The whole concept of this particular venue is insanely frustrating for me because it involves 8 bazillion stages and if I'm bored with the mundane process of multiple choice questions I can guarantee that the type of man I enjoy being around is also bored or too busy to care and will never find me anyway. I am the kind of woman who wants to cut the crap, ask some questions to see if we may enjoy each other on a first date, and then get to the point. I'm not a dance recital, fluff promoting, superficial sweet nothings kind of lady. Either it gels or it doesn't.

Then I found this meme on social media.  BOLTS of LIGHTNING, Batman, we have a winner! I promptly posted it on my Instagram feed and had a brief ranty moment mixed with some real honesty that I truly dislike electronic communication and would much rather have a real, live, in-person conversation any day. I mean, let's be honest, I've been in the service industry for my entire career and I've been on hundreds of potentially awkward "first dates" with clients and I'm a champ at making conversation even when I want to punch them in the face.  If I don't have a human in front of me, I would much rather have a phone conversation because I can still hear them and channel their voice signals.  I'm damn good at what I do at work, but electronic communication is NOT my first choice when I'm trying to display my affection or attention and that definitely spills over into my personal life as well.

Communication.  What a beautiful word. For some people I know and love, it's nearly as scary to say out loud as that other c word that sort of sounds like omittment, but with a c.  It's really hard to use grown up words when you just want to lay on your carpet square with your spill-proof sippy cup and take a nap. I get it! But, the fact of the matter is we HAVE to communicate to get shit done.  We just do.  Today I participated in a communication and sales training for work and it was incredibly enlightening when we got to the behavior analysis segment. I've been hearing about this part of the training since I joined the company and I was anxious to take the test for myself and my team lead to see where we landed.  Much to my surprise, we were very much a yin and yang mix.  As I looked back on some specific situations he and I have weathered together, it made sense as to how we approached the issue and how we proposed an outcome.  I also took a minute to analyze a friend of mine as well as my mother and I was SPOT on for both of them.  I'd like to say that the analysis of my mother was a news flash or epiphany, but it wasn't.

The one element of this behavior test that I appreciated the most was the notion that even though we fall into these categories and some of them are a little more challenging to deal with than others (my mother) that we CAN interact with all types of people.  And how do we do that??? We have to choose different words and actions.  Gasp!  Wait what? Additionally, we may react differently in certain situations than we do in others as well as reacting at home vs. the office. I've known for a long time (basically since year 2 of my career) that I'm WAY more OCD at work than I am at home. The dream of channeling the obsessive attention to detail of paper clip type and color or optimum sticky notes dimensions will never manifest itself with folding laundry. Be that as it may, I also discovered today, that this particular behavior test was very true with my personal friendships as well as my professional relationships.  I am a talker and a supporter. I need validation.  I need your ears and your affirmation. BUT, I also want to support you and am fiercely loyal and always willing to listen and be the mamma bear, resting bitch face queen, whatever you need, when you need it.  Sound familiar to anyone who knows me well?

My point?  Know your communication style and figure it our for those you care about and whose relationships you value the most. Even though I get ranty about my mother, I really do make an effort to communicate with her in the way that she understands, but I'm also gutsy enough to tell her straight up what I need from her to make our relationship work better. THAT part of the equation is a topic for another day. But, I know that it is possible to make the relationships work when we make the effort to communicate with harmony for both of us.  And so with that I will say this..........

The moral of the story: future baby daddy will likely not be from an electronic meet up facilitated by a website advertising harmonious match-ups and that is for the greater good of humanity.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

la la la la....life goes on!

The other day I sent a text to my amazing friend that went something like this, "I can tell spring is around the corner here because I feel better and I'm actually happy." Then I took the time to look at my Instagram photos towards the end of 2015 and compare them to those in the last month and I thought, "who is that incredibly happy looking lady?" And lastly, as my bestie and I were road trippin' this past weekend, one of my favorite Beatles hits,  "Ob-la-di ob-la-da" came on Pandora and it hit me, 'la la la la....life goes on' is LEGIT and I am happy freaking proof.

"Ob-la-di ob-la-da" is one of those songs that causes me to stop what I'm doing, smile like crazy, turn up the volume, dance and sing along. The funny thing is, the lyrics are pretty silly and simple. It's about life. Life that is happy and real and moving forward for a girl and a boy named Molly and Desmond Jones. Molly is a singer in a band and Desmond has a barrow in the market place and really likes her face.

Life HAS moved on for me and I am so incredibly happy. There is laughter, there is love, there is success, but most of all there is a lot of liking my own face. I have so much to be grateful for, but most of all I am grateful to look in the mirror and SEE my happy which also means seeing the peace. That's a challenging task for someone who has spent a few too many days "faking it to make it" in her life. When I can see and feel the same, I count it as a red letter banner day. We all know that I don't sugar coat anything so let's muse for a moment about the things that I had to do to make this possible. I have learned over and over and over in life, NOTHING comes for free and it especially doesn't come without effort.

Make Time For Quiet. I experienced a lot of noise when I made the decision to relocate out-of-state. Noise was defined as tying loose ends with my apartment lease, cancelling all the utilities, changing addresses, saying good bye to the VIP list of friends that I would miss dearly and on and on and on. When I first arrived here, I was still faced with a lot of noise as I started a new job and all the joys that went along with it. I quickly found that the times when I could sit and snuggle in a quiet place were therapeutic and absolutely necessary because my brain was forced to be quiet and THAT is as good as gold for a mental health warrior princess such as myself. One of my favorite things to do in my quiet time is read. Reading has been a place of solace for me this past year and that didn't change when the scenery changed.

Don't Force The Routine.  I am a pretty chill control freak. That means that I like order in my career, but I don't stress about the laundry not getting folded TODAY on the home-front, but I go ape shit cray if someone messes with my desk at work or doesn't follow clearly written policy. Oxymoron incarnate?  Yes.  Do I care what you think about that? Nope. What I've learned to embrace at home (don't sweat folding the laundry if you're having a bad mental health day) has been grossly overdue at work and vice versa at home (aka I probably SHOULD care about the laundry not being folded). Whenever I start a new job I am full throttle and want to transition as fast as possible because transition is awkward and painful and NOT fun. After some really challenging lessons last year I learned that I needed to slow the hell down in my career and be a little bit more chill during the transition phase. I've done my best so far and it was like clockwork when I hit the one month mark and suddenly the honeymoon period was O-ver and I was forced to be bad ass boss lady again and make things happen now.

Celebrate The Small Victories. I keep my career and those details out of my blog life because they are separate. However, I made a big decision to come back to a career that was suffocating me in Utah. It was a big leap of faith for me and I've had a few days this year that I've thought, "what the hell was I thinking coming back?" But then, I had multiple days last week when my team's efforts were manifested in small, yet big victories within our company. Last week I sat at my desk for at least a half hour and just soaked in the pure joy of seeing the fruits of my labors pop up in emails. I also took the opportunity to take myself to dinner as a celebration of this huge step. Don't short change yourself of the celebration that should come when you accomplish small, yet important, tasks in your life. They ALL matter so treat them that way.

Ditch The Toxic. I accumulated some toxic when I lived in Utah. Some toxic air to breathe for 4 months during the winter, attitudes, habits and people. Just as I had to purge a lot of physical items out of my house to make this move possible, I had to purge the other toxins out of my life too. It's not an easy task to tell someone in your life that they are a ridiculous excuse of a human and that you will no longer expend energy to care about them when they clearly do NOT care back. It's also really challenging to step away from social media sources that are a constant reminder of what you miss in the former home, but also reminds you of the ticking time bomb that your life was in 2015.  Have the courage to walk away and close the chapter.  I will also tell you that as you ditch the toxic, the happy has more room to exist and gives you the chance to see life in a whole new light and it is beautiful.

Try New Things. One of the inevitable realities that comes with moving to a new place are the new things to do and see. From the moment I arrived in Idaho, I started seeking out new things to do and see. I knew I needed a non-profit to volunteer with so I started to google about my chosen causes. I knew I liked to support local restaurants so I figured out who they were and when I was going to try their cuisine. I knew I had a lot of Saturdays that needed filling with solo adventures so I figured out where those places were and how the heck to get there. I knew I had some overdue winter bucket list items that needed to be crossed off the list so I made plans to do them in an effort to appreciate my colder, healthier surroundings. Oh, and in my first week here, trying new things translated to fried cheesecake. Uh, hello, fried treat of absolute sinful goodness! Where have you been all my life?????

Trust The Timing. I'm a planner and I have some very specific personal goals that I need to accomplish in 2016. Some of them are quite daunting on paper and it's been really challenging to swallow the reality that some of these goals are not happening overnight.  In fact, none of them are happening overnight. I don't have a magic wand or a twitching nose full of witchcraft. Damn it, but I don't. So why do I think it will just magically poof itself fixed? I've made a promise to myself that I will continue to trust in the timing of my life and not let the looming goals and hopes and dreams take over my here and now because my here and now is pretty damn amazing and peaceful. This one has especially been hard for a couple matters of the heart, but I've handed that messy, frustrating shit over to the big man upstairs because I don't have a crystal ball or magic eight ball that actually work. Le sigh.

The final words of the song go like this, "Yeah, ob-la-di ob-la-da life goes on bra
La-la how the life goes on
Yeah, ob-la-di ob-la-da life goes on bra
La-la how the life goes on
And if you want some fun
Take ob-la-di ob-la-da"

Life is fun. Life is still hard and challenging, but it is moving forward one day at a time. To those of you who are sitting in a chapter of life in which you think that things will never change, please know that it WILL if you make the effort to keep moving and singing and celebrating the small victories. You will get through your challenges that are set before you today. Tomorrow offers you another chance at living and loving and I know that you can do it. Don't lose hope and don't short change yourself from seeking the help and support that is right there waiting for you to utilize.

The moral of the story: life ABSOLUTELY goes on.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Love Is Transforming.

In case my nephews' view on love wasn't enough, I'm gifting you with the next installment of what love means, courtesy of my friend's preschool students.  I was DYING as she shared them with me and had to change up the order of sharing musings from other kiddos because these were just too funny to share after the conspiracy holiday.  Before you wet your pants laughing, please remember that we really should just take what 3 year-olds say and apply it to life and be done.

"Love is like a transformer toy. It's fun and then it's not. But if you pretend to be a transformer then that's really fun." Love is SO transforming.  Some days it can make you so damn crazy that you want to cry and other days it carries you through the heaviest burdens and trials and brings insurmountable amounts of happiness. And some days it's just so chill and you look at the person across the room and laugh because they are your lobster (Friends reference) and they are weird and you love it. Some of the greatest examples of transforming love have been my friends who have walked side-by-side with a spouse during a health crisis or some other life rattling event. This fall my dear friend lost her husband to cancer and it was one of the most inspiring and heartbreaking things to watch as she loved him to his very last breath and STILL continues to love and remember him as she raises their three incredible kids who are so much like their daddy.  Love is transforming when imperfections take over and a couple has to strip their pride to decide if they can and want to make their relationship work or give up.  Love is transforming when two people want nothing more than to have a baby and that is not what God has in mind and they have to fight in the trenches of infertility treatments and/or adoption together. The transforming power of love means that you face life together with grit, compassion and faith.

"I think love is for hipsters, spaghettioes, and my mom because they're all weird." Spaghettioes are WAY weird.  Is it a starch, is it meat, does it make me glad that the zombie apocalypse hasn't happened yet and that's all we have to eat? Who really knows, but I concur that love is weird....and some hipsters are dang weird and wear pants that are too tight, but a lot of them are pretty endearing. Many of the endearing kind live in Ogden, my former 'hood, and I heart them. And what about moms?  They are so totally weird, but most of us are weird just like 'em and are too chicken to admit it. Don't tell my mom that I might be one of them.  

"Play dates are super exhausting. You think they like you, but they really just want to play. BORING!" At this point in the conversation, I would have switched in to the sweet, loving feminist in the room and say, "sweetie, ladies don't got no time for the playas. Either they like ya or they don't." Boring wouldn't be my choice of adjective as much as blasted frustrating. I too find play dates exhausting and I'm a grown up. I saw a meme on Pinterest this week about women not wanting to waste time playing and that we just want to get down to business and date. Yep.  Cut the crap and put the word commitment back in your vocab selection and let's do this. Otherwise, stroll on back to high school and play those man child games with your besties. We deserve the best, whether we are male or female, and the games are BORING. Let's be real, let's be raw and let's LOVE!

"I had a movie date."
"That's exciting, what did you watch?"
"I don't remember, I was more sad he didn't notice my lip gloss and eye pretties." Boys. What oddly handsome and necessary creatures. How many of us have dated someone and in the midst of dating we bought new shoes, a pretty dress or actually DID our hair and he didn't notice and we were pissed?  The transformation of love sometimes means that we have to bring those little things that matter to their attention in the form of a bullet point list with the most important at the top.  And if the most important is "I wore red hooker shoes, put on mascara and lip gloss for you so you better notice" then make sure they know it. I'm no expert on dealing with men, but one of the things I've learned from working with a lot of them over the years is they respond better to less fluff and more bullet points. Super romantical, right?

 "Miss A, I love you a whole lot."
"I love you too!"
"Like as much as to the sun and back. Although you might die at the sun, so I can't love you anymore." Damn the boundaries. What are boundaries you ask? Well, if you have to ask me then you go to that corner and I will stay in this corner and go on loving at a level I can....you know the kind where I don't burn up and DIE. I'll admit that it's challenging to put boundaries on certain relationships because we may love too much.  How do we define loving too much?  Loving someone who doesn't love us back as much as we love them just isn't fair. It's sucky, but we deserve better. We so totally deserve to love on the moon and not burn up.  Hashtag: put that on a pillow.  

And so it goes, the humans of a 3 year-old variety have their crap together on love and we should listen up.

The moral of the story: Love changes us, but shouldn't burn us. It calls for a lot of grit and laughter and perhaps some strolling to a real date in our pretty red shoes and it's totally worth it when they're our lobster.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Love Is Happy.

Is it just me or is February the other F word for a few of you? I can't say that I particularly enjoy it myself for an extensive list of reasons that starts with winter is stupid and the 14th is that 1st quarter conspiracy holiday.  Now, don't get me wrong, I can't get enough of pink and red, roses, hand dipped chocolates and boxes of conversation hearts that bust my teeth, but it gets old pretending like the oozing blah blah blah is fun and that I should expect all those gifts listed above on THAT day more than any OTHER day.  So let's muse for a minute.

I've often brought up the subject of love on le bloggy blog. I've talked about how those three little words are some of the hardest words for some people to say audibly.  I've also talked about loving ourselves and taking care of our needs in the midst of hard times. But, I haven't really talked about it from the perspective of the profoundest love experts around and those are the little people. Have you ever had the chance to sit at a table of 5 year olds and listen to their version of life and living and loving? Compelling stuff. I had the chance to learn a whole lotta something while I was doing service in the Land o' Kindergarten in Utah. So, that got me thinking; what would the little people say about love?  And more specifically, what would MY little loves aka my ruffian, goofy nephews tell me that love meant to them?  What emerged was some of the sweetest, cutest and totally hysterical responses and I hearted all of them.  So, what's their opinion on this important matter?  Well....read on and find out.

Love is huggin' and kissin' according to all of them in their exact words.  It was a unanimous decision that love means you hug and you kiss. I can work with this! And I concur!  The huggin' and the kissin' is AWESOME when you love someone. Sometimes you have a little more huggin' than kissin' and it's OK. Hugs all around as far as I'm concerned and smoochies (S family dialect for mauling with kisses) for those we care about most or brothers who we want to embarrass the hell out of with a sloppy wet one on the cheek when he least expects it.

Love is happy.  And then the aunt's heart melted because their cute little faces said love is happy almost in unison.  Love IS happy! I am not a unicorns and rainbow blogger and going to fill you with the crap that love is EASY. Love takes a LOT of work and sometimes, as nephew #3 so eloquently chimed in, love is sad. Sending your love to heaven is super duper sad. Tough love is way sad. Tough love is not fun, especially when you have to walk away from someone because they are sucking the life out of you and making you bat shit cray. But!  Love IS happy and when the laughter, joy and trust is present, the happiness overflows.  I will also submit to you that if you are in a situation that you THINK is love and you are constantly sad, please get help and/or get out.  Please evaluate the root of your sadness and have the courage to make a change. That change may include some tough love of walking away, but I know you can do it!

Love is to be kind. I openly admit that my oldest nephew melts my heart with his tenderness and attention to the well-being of others. I didn't say he's my favorite, but he is so so much like my side of the family, specifically my dad, in that he truly cares and LOVES everyone. He remembers people's names and their life stories and he wants to know about everything. It made me smile that his version of love was to be kind. Amen and amen, my love. There is entirely too much hate in this world and it boils my blood when people are bullies and bigots because someone is different than they are. What the hell, people? Did you not learn the song, "Jesus Said Love Everyone?" Oh wait....that's a Mormon thing....scratch that. That song is a real thing and the title is just as the song goes. We need to love EVERYONE. I've been on a NetFlix binge the last couple of weeks that somehow roped in a lot of WWII movies. I'm fascinated by the history of that war, but I've watched a lot of movies that portrayed the other side of the war, namely the extreme racism and hate for groups of people that was completely unjustified. We can show infinite amounts of love just by smiling at a stranger and saying thank you to someone who least expects it. Kindness does not mean bravado, nor does it mean a marriage proposal.  Gasp..... We are all fighting a fight within our souls, play nice in the sandbox of life would ya?

Love is giving them a card and toys.  As the video interview continued they got progressively more silly. Surprised?  3 boys under the age of 6 being silly?  What?  No way.  My sister-in-law managed to catch nephew #2 saying that love meant buying them a card and toys. Ha! I love it. Definitely an answer from a kiddo, but let's be honest, I love handwritten cards so very much and if toys translates to Tiffany's then I'm SO IN!  However, I kind of wish that I could still construct a gaudy, yet super creative valentine box and have people put the itty bitty cheesy valentines in it. In fact, I would so love if a future sweetheart did just that on good old V Day.  He might win more points than some fancy pants dinner that requires I wear pants and make-up.....we can do that any day. Future Mr. @beYOUdesignsUT is still incognito, but I really appreciate it when someone is thoughtful enough to send me a handwritten note of any kind.  A sentimental old school hippie.  That's me.  I really do want peace and love....and pizza....oh wait....wrong topic....squirrel!

I hope that each and every one of us can find much to be happy about when the topic of love comes up in conversation and all over the media during the F month. No wearing black and a veil on February 14th, but you don't necessarily have to bust out your cupid get-up either. Love because you get to love. Love like it is a gift because it is a gift. Love can be your sunshine on a cloudy, cranky ass moody day. And if you still can't find anything to smile about just remember this.....the nephews' parting words on what love meant to them were this.... "love is lots of spanks."  Cue the giggling.  You're welcome.

The moral of the story: Love is the breath of life and the greatest test of life. Follow your heart; it will never ever let you down.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Let Me Sleep or Prepare to Die.

Today my hairdresser text me to postpone my hair cut appointment due to sick littles at her house. In the midst of our conversation I wished her well and my hopes that she would be able to catch up on her beauty sleep. She laughed and lamented the need to catch up on a LOT of beauty sleep. Aw, sleep, how I loveth thee. So much that I hereby warn my lovelies that if you mess with my sleep you may die. Don't believe me? Ha, good luck with that.  

Not long ago I read a compelling article about the increase in postpartum depression in women because there is an expectation to forego sleep because you're the mom and that's what you do. It posed some really staggering statistics about the increase in depression and mental illness in the early days of a new baby because the mamma is so damn tired.  Why does it have to be that way? Let the mama take a nap already!

I'll be perfectly honest with all of you that my biggest fear of being pregnant isn't actually being pregnant. It's the after-my-baby-is-born part. I know that I'm 100% capable of being a kick ass mom, but I don't know if my brain can do it. I'm a planner and a calculated maker of choices and the unknown of what might happen postpartum, based on my history, is hella scary. But, I digress....sort of.

So, why am I so cray about sleep? Well, two words: zombie redhead. I mean, let's be honest, I'm an unfiltered, sassy pants when I'm rested and fed. Do you really want to mess with the alternate version of Ray? Hint: the answer is N-O. All joking aside, I really am a believer in the immense power of sleep. While I was a teenager, my family would attend church at 9 am every Sunday. It was a contest to see who could eat lunch and be down for a nap the fastest after we got home. It was a win-win for my mom that all of her children inherited their dad's champion napping skills because it meant she had guranteed quiet time. I looked forward to my Sunday nap and I still do. As a busy teen, I needed those 2-4 hours to recharge my brain for the next week. This continued as a college student and in to my adult life. At one point in my career I lived close enough to my office that I could sneak in a 15 minute nap on my lunch hour. Those power naps saved me during a very trying time of life. 

Sleep has a way of resetting my mental batteries and helping me cope with just about anything. It grounds me during the storm.  When I've had a rough day I generally cry it out (remember how I'm a stress crier?), take a bath, take a nap and THEN make a plan of how to handle the situation. I know myself well enough to know that making any kind of decision while I'm sad and tired is just asking for trouble. Emotionally driven decisions are generally rash and short sided.  Nap it out, then work it out.  #putthatonapillow

The other reason I'm a fighter for the cause of sleep is because I know that in any kind of depression situation, the first thing to go is sleep. I know this because I've experienced it. I've spent too many nights staring at my ceiling and the spinning overhead fan while waiting....begging....for the sleep to come and as soon as the sun came up I couldn't stay awake. It's a viscious cycle and I guard my ability to sleep when I'm meant to sleep more than anything. 

I think the best reason to let me sleep (besides not dying) is my ability to move mountains when I'm rested and recharged. Let me sleep and when I wake we can move mountains. It's so simple! 

The moral of the story: Zombie redheads aren't fun. Let the lady sleep. Trust me.

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R