Mirror, Mirror On My Wall.

This week my friend shared in a Facebook update that her young daughter had voiced her personal concerns about her image and my friend didn't know how to react because she herself deeply struggles with her own set of image challenges.  It broke my heart to read the string of comments from fellow moms who have been thrown in to the same conversations with their young kids and hastily reminded me of the love-hate relationship I have with the mirror on my wall on a daily basis.

This blog is a three-fold initiative and one of the main topics is women's empowerment.  What brought me to that point?  The need I saw and felt for a real, raw, perfectly imperfect, curvy woman speaking up and standing at the front of the line for kindness and confidence in a sea of photo-shopped, fake and superficial. Does that mean that I have all the confidence and self-assurance that I am just fine the way I am?  Hell. No.  In fact, I had to stop MYSELF from the nitpick self talk when I saw myself in a bathing suit in a mirror at the local hot springs last week.  My brain is my own toughest critic.  I often wish there was a magic wand that my fairy godmother could sprinkle pixie dust on my forehead and I would see myself as others see me and as God sees me.  But, alas, that is not real, however, we can do so much to strengthen our self-confidence, self-esteem and self-love.  The best part is that as we do that we are happier and we become examples to others to do the same.  I want to share some of the feedback I received when I posed the question, "what would you say if this was your daughter?" To protect the individuals, I will keep all comments anonymous.  The comments come from a wide variety of women with differing religions, ages, professional backgrounds, some are mothers, some are not.  They are beautiful and strengthened me in my on-going quest for self-love.

• Tell her she is beautiful every day. Don't say "you look beautiful," but "you are beautiful." And also amazing, smart, strong, funny, kind, sweet, etc. Never comment on body. Ever. Even 'good' comments.

• Ask the why...why do you feel this way? Has someone said something? You know, God made you to his perfection and that is what really matters. Everyone has flaws or something they don't like about themselves but it's how God sees you. God made you this way for a reason. He loves the way you look and you should too!

• Focus on acknowledging the painful emotions that accompany - joining with her in sharing my own experiences of feeling " not good enough"

• Part of helping the problem is understanding where she is hating herself. If she isn't liking how big she is, instead of saying she needs to go on a diet, exercise with her and start eating healthy with her. Maybe find some good roll models that aren't fake (like pro female sports players) and let her see how not everyone is fake. Also help her understand that most people in magazines are photo-shopped.

• It's also important that this is something that our boys face too.

• First of all, I commend that little girl for being able to open up about her insecurities. Definitely nothing wrong with that. I just kept my insecurities bottled up as a child and I should have been more open with them. I would tell your friend to THANK her daughter for bringing up these insecurities. Her being open about them is a step in the right direction. If she were my daughter, I would tell her not to care what society thinks of her. Those idiots don't matter. What IS considered ideal? Is it even that desirable? Do you want to live the kind of lifestyle that comes with it? Girls who are "perfect" probably aren't as happy as they appear to be. They have problems, just like everybody else. Imperfection equates uniqueness. The people who give you the time of day truly appreciate and embrace your imperfections. They love you for them. I feel blessed to have the friends I do because they know I'm imperfect and insecure, but they don't CARE. They love me just the same. I would say to her, "You do you, hun, because trying to be someone or something else wastes a lot of time that could've been spent discovering yourself and developing your own unique talents." God created you the way he did for a specific reason.

Every single day we have to remember that God created us to be UNIQUE, wonderful, quirky and lovely for a reason. The media creates a standard to sell magazines and advertising. Others speak harshly towards us, about us or about themselves to draw the attention away from their blaring insecurity.  Please, please, please be mindful of how you speak and act around the kids in your life because they DO listen and create their own opinions of themselves before they can even express it.  

I've shared this video before, but I love it so much because it is a very literal and blunt example of how we shape the way our kids think.  #likeagirl is still such a powerful example to me and gives me a constant reminder to be a better example to the kids in my life, but to also live it with myself. 

The moral of the story: Being unique is our super power.  Fly high and save the world in your own special way.  

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R

Perspective Changes Our View.

This week I've been very blessed to have some lessons that taught me how important it is to focus on the perspective of life's events. Many times we get so caught up in our vortex of struggle that we take a "woe is me" and "why the hell does this have to happen" and we forget that EVERYTHING in our life happens with purpose and perspective.  In the grand scheme of things, events that we may deem catastrophic or life-altering are probably that way, in our eyes. so that our path and our brain gets the remodel that it needs.  I have to remind myself that I am in the thick of the story, between my "once upon a time" and "happily ever after", and it may seem like the story will never end, but I'm actually creating a sub-plot of grand proportions that will still change me if I will let it.

One of the greatest blessings in my life are my friends.  I have stellar friends all over the country.  During my latest bump in the road of life, I've been strengthened by so many in their own way.  Notes in the mail, private messages on Facebook, phone conversations for HOURS where I do most of the talking and they do the listening and encouraging.  This keeps me going.  One friend in particular has given me such strength and I wanted to share her story with all of you.  I asked for her permission and due to the nature of her employment, she will remain nameless.  A couple of weeks ago, she experienced something in her job that was LIFE CHANGING for her and it brought a perspective that altered her outlook.  It was so "catastrophic" that she wrote about it and sent it to her mother.  Because of the magnitude of my bumpy reality, she knew I would appreciate this story and chose to share it with me as well.  It is not for the weak of heart, a real life "Grey's Anatomy" scene, but is powerful and I asked if I could feature it on my blog.  Her words are filled with faith in life and faith in God and yet her life is still not perfect.  However, she keeps perspective at the forefront of her life and because of that she blesses those around her, including me, with a deep appreciation for the sanctity, simplicity and delicacy of life.  Thank you dear friend, for sharing this with me and letting me share it with the world.

Journal Entry dated 9 April 2016

"I’ve been told that when a crisis hits, I will know what to do, that I will surprise myself and do better than I think. “You’ve been trained. You know what to do. It will come naturally.”

Right…

I’ve always thought that this was a bunch of bunk. When moderate crisis have hit at the hospital, I have found myself struggling with suppressing my own emotions, with hands shaking so violently that I can barely use them, and a brain that seems to screech to a halt. It takes all of my energy to keep from crying as I feel, much too deeply, what the family might be feeling.

I don’t want to be the family member being whooshed from the room while a flock of medical people come crashing in to save the day. It just seems too dramatic, too intense…too real.

Before I left for work yesterday, I took a moment to pray. “Heavenly Father, please help me to have a good day. Please help me to know what to do. Please help me to find someone to serve.” I had a good day, (Check!) I knew what to do, (Double check!), and I’m pretty sure I served someone who needed me. I’m just not exactly sure who that person was.

“Code Blue, CT. Code Blue, CT. Code Blue, CT.” paged loud overhead for all to hear. By the tone of the overhead page it was clear that this was not a drill.

I walked out of the break room and asked “Who’s the Team Lead today?”

“You are.”

“I am? Oh shit.” (Yes, I really did say this….sorry!)

I grabbed our heavy crash cart, stocked full of life saving supplies, and pushed it as fast as I could down the long corridor. The closer I got to the CT room, the more my heart started to pound. I was worried that my brain would screech to a halt and that I wouldn’t know what to do. So I paused. Well, at least my brain paused, as I rushed down the hallway.

“Heavenly Father, this is the real deal. I am in charge, and I need your help. Please help me to be calm. Please help me to know what to do.  Please help me to do my job. I’ve never done this before!”

Overwhelming peace and clarity instantly filled my body. My hands did not shake.
My brain did not falter.  I knew I was prepared, well, at least as prepared as one can ever be. I felt relaxed. Really relaxed.

It’s a hard thing, walking into a room, with a man laying on a table, his face so blue that it is nearly black. Doctors counting out the rhythm as they pound on his chest, “one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight...” It’s a hard thing to see the blood pooling in his mouth, blood pooling on his chest as doctors race to put in chest tubes, and watching the respiratory crew struggle to help him to breath with blood gushing out of his breathing tubes. And it’s a hard thing to know that through this all, even with two doctors and two anesthesia providers in the room, I am in charge.

I have never done this before.

My mind has been thinking about this scenario over and over, trying to make sense of things. It isn’t the blood that spattered the wall, the compressions that crushed his ribs, the “Everyone CLEAR! Shocking the patient in three, two, one!” that I had to call out, or the “Resume compressions!” that I’ve been mulling over.  It isn’t seeing the wife’s face as she calmly came in to touch her husband and say a brief prayer before his barely alive body was shipped to the ICU that I’ve been thinking about. Or her calm face as she thanked each one of us, almost individually, before walking away. It certainly hasn’t been the unusual way this code had to proceed due to the individual circumstances that lead to this man’s unfortunate day. And it hasn’t been the bloody footprints that we left in the room after everything had been cleaned, the final bit of evidence to our attempts at saving his life.

My mind can’t stop wondering about my reaction to it all. Why do I feel so calm?

Why am I not a basket case? I’ve been mulling it over in my mind, around and around, because I am worried that something is wrong with me. Shouldn’t I be devastated? Shouldn’t I cry, even a little? Shouldn’t I be a little bit traumatized? A wife just saw her husband’s unconscious body be taken to the ICU, know that this is probably it, as in the “It”, “The end”, or as I like to call it the “See you laters”.  Hollywood couldn’t have made the scene any more dramatic than it was.

Did he survive? Did he live?

That is the question that everyone asks. It wasn’t until becoming a nurse that I realized that “Did he survive?” and “Did he live?” have many layers and nuances. It’s like shades of a color. Is turquoise still blue? Yes, but not exactly.

So to answer the question, yes, he survived, at least at time of transport. His heart was beating. He was maintaining his blood pressure. He was even trying, in a small way, to breath on his own. His skin had even returned to a much more comfortable shade of pale pink. Was he alive? Yes. Is he alive?

I don’t know if he will ever leave the hospital. I don’t know if he will ever be able to hug his wife in this life. I don’t know if he will ever go home with his family. But I do know that he lives! No matter what happens to his body, his spirit is still alive.

And now as I write this, the tears suddenly fall.

Administration patted me on the back telling me “That was one of the best codes we have seen,” and were shocked when I told them that this was my first (I did see CPR one other time).  My other code team members said “Wow. You were so calm. You are an amazing team leader. You should run all of our codes.” and “You sounded and looked like you have run a hundred codes” when I confessed that this was my first.

Why was it that I was so calm? That I was able to very competently do my job, despite the horrific scene in front of me? A co-worker quietly asked me later that night, “Did you feel the help from the other side in the room with us? There were a lot of [heavenly] helpers in there.” It wasn’t until that moment that I realized the magnitude of help we had been given. I asked that morning to find someone to serve, not expecting to be the one served, but for that, I am feeling eternally grateful."

The moral of the story: No matter how hard life gets, keep perspective. Perspective will keep us breathing and facing our challenges with a miraculous sense of peace and calm.  I know it, my friend knows it and I hope that you can find it for you when you need it most.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Be sure to check out the biz side of "Let It Be & Celebrate" by visiting www.beyoudesignsut.co

Yes To Life.

Last week I mentioned that I recently finished reading the book, "The Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand in the Sun and Be Your Own Person" by Shonda Rhimes.  What an incredibly inspiring book!  I couldn't take notes fast enough, but I managed to jot down some of the things she wrote that really struck chords inside my soul.  It is kind of surreal what has transpired in my life since I listened to this book because much of what she said about taking risks and being brave is now applying to me on so many levels.

Shonda Rhimes is one of the most successful, smartest, bad ass women in Hollywood.  She is the genius behind McSteamy, McDreamy (MY personal favorite and totally on the Top 5 Hotties List) and some of the most poignant and deeply passionate fictional characters on ABC television.  But, did you know that she is also an introvert of extreme proportions, a single mother of 3 daughters through adoption, and her best friend is actually one of her television characters?  'Tis true.  She is just as deeply complex as her television characters and that is why her shows are so popular across the demographics.  Here are a few things I picked up while listening to the audio book.

Parties make everything better. If you are a frequent viewer of Shonda's shows, you know that she is big on parties.  There is always a reason for celebration and a reason to dance, even if it is surviving a long grueling day in the ER of Seattle Grace.  This philosophy on life stems from Shonda's childhood.  She grew up in a very loving family with a mom and dad who were the poster-perfect sweethearts and parents and they always had a reason for celebration. I also love a good reason to celebrate and find comfort in a good party, even if it is something as simple as a tasty drink and delicious dinner out with friends after a challenging day of life.  There is always always a reason to celebrate.  We can celebrate living each day we open our eyes again.

The nothingness of terror stole all the fun. Because of her intense introverted personality, Shonda turned down countless interviews and appearances because her fear paralyzed her ability to do something new.  She was WELL in to her television empire with Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice before she had this epiphany year of yes. When she decided that she would say yes to life, it also meant that she had to face her fear and start stepping out of her comfort zone and making appearances to promote and celebrate her success.  One of the first scheduled appearances was speaking at her Alma Mater, Dartmouth College, for their commencement exercises.  I was able to listen to the live version of this in the audio book and it brought tears to my eyes.  I was driving across east Idaho and almost had to pull over just to listen and cry. I have felt a lot of fear and unrest in the last 2 years of my life.  Even in the last 2 weeks of my life, I've thought "what the hell just happened....PLOT TWIST!"  We can all do hard things even when we think we are completely incapable of doing it.

Here is the YouTube video of Shonda's address at Dartmouth.  Please take the time to watch it.  It is amazing.

Power pose like Wonder Woman.This was such a hilarious part of the book. She gave numerous "statistics" about standing in the position of power like Wonder Woman does when she is about to save the world.  She was 100% sure that it had changed the course of her own life and I have since tried it and I know that it helped me feel like I could accomplish a few lofty tasks.

Life is hard, but hard is relative. Many times we are faced with trials that may seem similar, but really they are 100% different.  I am feeling this on a very personal level right now and I can attest to my current challenges being so very different than the others.  Yes, the common denominator is there, but the circumstances and surroundings are different and much much better in more ways than they are worse.  Life is WAY hard, but somehow, the hard part seems to diminish itself when we turn to our tribe and to God to carry us on the days when we just can't do it anymore.  I am so grateful for a tribe that includes some new faces and lacks some others.  The level of difficulty of life is truly relative and it eases up when we turn over our faith to God and let others serve us in small, but simple ways as well as in very large, critical ways.  Lemons to lemonade can mean so many different things depending on the time of day, the severity of the trial and the types of people we are surrounded by as we keep swimming.

Find a cause you love, focus on something outside of yourself; hashtags aren't a movement.  She spent a lot of time talking about finding a cause that you are passionate about and changing the world.  She was very specific in stating that just because we hashtag a photo on social media for a cause does NOT mean that we are moving mountains to improve something.  We need to get out of our seats, open our mouths and help others around us who have it far worse than we do.  This is such an important part of my life.  I am a non-profit guru because I have felt the immense healing power that comes when I step outside my complicated brain and look for ways to help others.  If there is cause to aide at-risk children, I am on it.  My mamma bear instincts are fiercely present in my non-profit work because I know that it is so important to protect our rising generation and it also fills a void in my heart as I wait to be a mom to my own kiddos.

The air you are breathing is rare air; appreciate it.  Every day is a gift from God.  For those of us who live in countries that are modernized we often take for granted the gift it is to breathe clean air.  We are so damn lucky to live in peace and harmony with medical care that is as advanced as its ever been and to have clean tap water and food that doesn't rot our insides.  We are damn lucky to have the opportunity to vote, get a post-secondary education and work in occupations that require us to use our brains.  As you read this blog, there are men, women and children who are starving and laying their heads on dirt floors wondering if they will wake up tomorrow, will have food to eat and if their babies will live another day in such dire circumstances.  There are women who are self mutilating their reproductive organs so they don't bleed anymore and lose their jobs because they are unable to have the sanitation products to remedy their condition.  There are orphans who spend countless nights wondering if anyone will ever love them and care for them other than some strangers in the other room.  Thank your lucky stars for the rare air you breathe.

You find your magic and I'll find mine. How many times have you got stuck in the vortex of unsolicited opinions? The trip to Target that should take 10 minutes and mean peace in the dollar bins section turns in to  20 questions about why you're not breast feeding your next baby?  Or, my absolute FAVORITE, when asked why you aren't dating anyone or starting a family and that time is ticking and you won't have as much time to make babies if you don't get to it.  So, ya, here's the deal....according to Shonda.....we all need to have the attitude of "you find your magic and I'll find mine." As you can imagine, a woman who has willingly chosen to be a single parent through adoption has had her fair share of unwelcome opinions.  She finally got to the point that she had to say, "I'm living my life and you live yours." This has been a really life-changing philosophy for me since I went to organized therapy.  I have a few souls in my life, who will remain nameless, who have bombarded me with opinion over the years.  As if their spewing nonsense is a magic equation that will change the course of my life. I am doing the best I can and so are you so how about we support each other and love each other unconditionally and live how we see fit.  

It's not diversity; it's called normalizing.  This portion of the book was one that really struck chords for me. She talked about an awards ceremony that she spoke at which honored diversity in the LGBT community as portrayed on television and in the movies.  During the speech she said that many times people have thanked and praised her for writing television characters that are so diverse, complex, twisted and vulnerable.  She also said that she will correct people and say that she is not bringing diversity to television, but she is normalizing television.  She is bringing to her viewers what they see in actual life.  She is bringing characters who struggle with sexuality, PTSD, infertility, death, birth, alcoholism, addiction and the list goes on and on and on.  THAT is life.  THAT is our reality.  We are HUMANS with beating hearts.  We all struggle.  We all wish we had something better.  Her goal in each of her shows is to not just have the token black alcoholic who is in senior management of a hospital, or a gay Republican who can't admit who he loves or an Asian feminist who finds the most satisfaction in her career, not a relationship or even the Caucasian dream boat who may be a pretty face, but is just as imperfect as his seemingly less attractive counterparts.  She portrays people as they are in actual life.  She wants people to feel that their tribe is waiting when they turn on the TV on Thursday nights or as they're binge watching on Netflix. To further explain this point, I found a outstanding video of Kerry Washington speaking about her experience working in ShondaLand (the name of Shonda Rhimes' company) that I thought explained this philosophy so beautifully.  It is much shorter than the commencement address from above, so please take six minutes to watch it.

Hate diminishes, love expands.  As a black female, Shonda is very familiar with the hate that is ever present when people who are different are in the room.  As a child she was often bullied and mocked for her weirdness and her coping mechanism was writing.  She often found solace in her characters and would sort out her thoughts by writing characters that were dealing with similar struggles.  I'm a big advocate for journaling in the therapy and coping process for similar reasons. I have calmed my brain down many times by writing out the "plot" of my life and the characters in it and sorting out the story on paper.  Somehow doing it on paper and pulling it out of my brain makes it turn from an emotional thought to an analytical equation that I will either solve or will not solve.  I thank God daily for a therapist that encouraged me to journal this way because it has served me well many times over the years.  Shonda's favorite character is Cristina Yang from Grey's Anatomy.  The reasons are many and I won't give it all away because the insight she shares about Cristina are really beautiful and you should read the book!  But, I will say this, it made so much more sense why she wrote Cristina as a fiercely driven and passionate feminist because she needed a way to sort her own thoughts.  She also shared that Cristina was one of her best friends over the years because her plot lines helped Shonda work through a lot of her personal struggles.

I hope that we can all take something from these thoughts from The Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand in the Sun and Be Your Own Person" by Shonda Rhimes.  Upon finishing this book, it promptly went on my list of "MUST listen to annually" books because it had a zen-like power on my brain because I related to her struggles and passion very much.  Life is dang hard, but life is also so beautiful and full of love and simple joys.

The moral of the story: Keep fighting, keep speaking your mind for the causes you love, and keep saying yes to life!

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R

Be sure to check out the biz side of "Let It Be & Celebrate" by visiting www.beyoudesignsut.co

And So It Goes....

My heart is full and my brain is a bit mushy, but I come to you today with musings that I didn't think would have to be real in 2016, but alas, here we are and we are talking and this is life......heavy sigh......

Recently, I read the book "The Year of Yes" by Shonda Rhimes.  It was an incredible book that I will add to my list of "must read each year" and will write a more thorough blog post about in the near future. It was eye-opening and heart-wrenching because I found myself relating to elements of this introverted, but insanely successful Hollywood female powerhouse that one might not expect of me at face value.  For you see, I am much more than meets the eye just like Ms. Rhimes.  I am twisted, imperfect, jaded and unsure of my place in life.  I am also a confident, out-spoken, beautiful soul who loves deeply and doesn't give a damn if people don't like me.  But, then again, I DO actually care if people don't like me.  I care a lot.

And so it goes....we come together and I am in a place of life that I thought I wouldn't have to experience this year. A place of unsure and unrest.  I joke that some of my best blog content has come during some of the scariest times of life and that is really not my cup of tea so what is up with it happening again?

There is so much that I could say that would fill you in on the specifics of my pain, but I keep it out of the public eye because it is not meant for sharing.  But, I will tell you this, life can shift in the blink of an eye without any warning.  Even when we think that we've had all we can bear and the clouds have finally parted, the universe can throw another bolt of lightening on our picnic and test our strength again. I am working through some sadness that I am all too familiar with, but there is a difference this time.  I know that there is a beginning and an end.  I know that there is a reason.  I know that my worth in the eyes of my family, my friends, my four loves and my God is not dependent on circumstances outside of my control.  

How many times have you sat on the floor of your bedroom, your bathroom or your kitchen and cried because someone made you feel like a total loser because you spoke your mind?  How many times have you felt like a total loser because you protected your integrity and it got you nothing but heartache and pain? I would be lying if I said that I was a self-professed "positive attitudes change everything" master.  I am SO not.  In fact, I suck at it when I get beat down over and over by the same scenario. I also know that if I let myself harbor anger and spite that I will spiral into a depressive state that is brutally ugly and nearly impossible to climb out of.  My faith is tested when I have to pull myself off the floor, wipe away my tears and look in the mirror and say, "Ray, you have roots that are deep and they are strong and you know it. Trust yourself, trust God and let this unfold."  Sometimes .... a LOT of the time....those words have to be reaffirmed by friends and family, but ultimately they have to come from ME before they will work miracles.

Last night I got on my knees and started a prayer with a statement along these lines, "I don't have any tears left, but I do have a bed, a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a car that runs, a closet FULL of cute clothes, a manic black cat who thinks I'm the best thing ever, four little humans who adore me and people who are praying for me every single day. What am I going to do this time?" I said the remainder of my prayer and I got up, dusted off my skinned knees, turned off my cell phone and crawled in my blessed bed.  When I woke up this morning and turned on my phone I was greeted with multiple messages full of love and encouragement.  God is in our details, my lovelies.  No matter our religion, no matter our state of existence, HE IS THERE.  He hears our prayers, He loves us and He puts people in our path to carry us when we can't carry ourselves.

I am convinced that my life flows with the soundtrack of the movie "Rudy" because I feel like the little person who WILL start in the game, but really just wants to punch cinder block walls and stuff, but then my teammates give up their jerseys and the moment of awesome happens for all to see.  I know that we can beat the odds when we least expect it. Nothing in our life happens without reason.  The final scene of the movie is one that I could watch over and over.  It melts my heart.  I weep like a baby every time I watch the movie and I legitimately go into panic mode because I don't know if he is going to play in the final game of his senior year at Notre Dame.  I KNOW THE ANSWER and I still freak out!  One of the things I love most is the scene in which Rudy himself is freaking out about what to do next after he's run his assigned play. Seconds left in the game and he doesn't know what to do. One of the coaches yells to him from the sideline, "stay in, stay in." He does that and you know the rest.....he makes college football history.  This is my life.  I am setting records and overcoming the odds in ways that I had no idea were possible for one lady.  But!  I know that my happy ending always includes a lot of cheering from the crowds and myself and that is what carries me through the challenging parts.  Please take a minute to watch the movie clip below and think about how it relates to your life.  Who is there cheering you on?  Who believes in you? Who loves and adores your imperfect self even when you think you've lost them?

The moral of the story: Staying in the game makes all the difference.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Five.

This week marked a big milestone for me. On Thursday, March 17th, St. Patrick's Day, I celebrated my 5 year anniversary since I buttoned up organized therapy.  I ended therapy on St. Patrick's Day on purpose.  I LOVE the holiday (it's that redhead in me) and I always wanted to remember the end with a happy day.  If I was a drinker I would maybe have an extra drink, but alas, I am not, so I had a big fat piece of sinful 7 layer chocolate cake in my princess bed and it was glorious.  

I've written about my experiences in therapy and post therapy a number of times on le blog. There is a lot about the therapy process that is still so wrought with stigmas and misconceptions in the media and I've tried to be as open and honest as I can about the process and what I learned.  There is also a part of my experience that purposely is staying in the past.  It includes the mistakes, the heartaches and the toxic pain that I shed through the help of my amazing therapist.  History remains history and there is just some of it that I don't need or want to talk about.  I know I have a lot of readers who have struggled with the process of therapy and didn't feel like it helped them.  Today I am going to be very real and very honest so that you can see that therapy didn't actually cure me.  Therapy made me a better me so that I could face life differently.  But, it sure as hell did not cure me. 

The first thing I want you to know about therapy: there is absolutely no shame in seeking help.  There is immense value in talking to a third party that you are not emotionally connected with in any way other than the fact that you air your dirty laundry to them and they take notes and offer suggestions for coping.  These brave souls who have chosen the career of mental health specialists are highly educated and wired to take on the analysis of our lives and brains.  God bless them because I couldn't do it.  I know enough about people and their weirdness through my chosen profession, but I don't need to know more.  Much of the shame that we may feel is because our brains are so mucked up with trying to deal that they want us to give up so that the wiring doesn't have to change.  However, just like a well-maintained engine, our brains do so much better when they are oiled and monitored and flushed on a periodic basis and therapy can serve that purpose if we will let it.  

The second thing I want you to know about therapy: it is only as good as how you apply it in your every day life.  I was TERRIFIED to end my time with Jennifer because I knew it meant I had to deal on my own.  It was scary to think about having relationships and facing life challenges after I was done checking in with her.  I made absolutely sure that I was ready to fly on my own, but I also had a long list of things that I kept and still keep close to my heart.  What are my triggers?  Who are my triggers?  What calms me down?  What can I let slide and what do I have to always do when I'm having a tough mental health day?  How do I stop myself from the avalanche of "what ifs" that I'm so good at doing?  Who do I trust implicitly with all the hairy details and who am I on a "need to know, surface only" basis?  The list goes on and on.  More than once I have had to sit myself down and have a mental tune-up to get myself back on track after a big event or boulder fell out of the sky.  2015 anyone?  My most recent therapy post talked about a pair of shoes that reminded me of a terribly awful relationship mistake that I made.  In the post I talked about keeping them as a reminder of what I had accomplished.  I am happy to report, that because of my own blog post and the triggers that I set off (boo to me), I ended up getting rid of those hot polka-dotted vintage inspired pumps because they (a silly pair of shoes) were a trigger and they needed to go.  Talk about a weight lifted when I don't see the lurking reminder in my closet anymore.  

The third thing I want you to know about therapy: you are still going to have hard days.  You're going to have completely shitty, sad, crying, awful, hard-as-hell days.  But, you will also have days when you will think, "wow, pre-therapy me would have crumbled quicker and longer in this scenario than post-therapy me." My knees still get bruised and bloody when I fall and my heart still breaks when a relationship ends or someone dies.  But, how I treat myself and how I work through it compared to pre-therapy is light years different.  I still ache to have a better reality in regards to a couple of things in my life, but I know that gratitude conquers all and with that I relish in what I DO have and let the rest go.  

The fourth thing I want you to know about therapy:  Decide that you will not settle for any type of treatment or abuse that will put you right back to where you were pre-therapy. THIS takes practice and a whole hell of a lot of effort. I'm still finding out little quirks and nuances that I thought were fully addressed are, in fact, still a raging issue if I'm not careful. I've had some conversations with my friends that have recently divorced when I asked them, "what went wrong on both sides and how will you improve yourself the next time?" There are a lot of people, myself included, who have a hard time admitting they were wrong and at fault and that they need to use their picker with more prudence next time. If your surroundings need to change for your therapy to stick, then move.  Have the faith to do it.  If you need to have a sitter to watch your kids so you can go to the gym, then MAKE IT HAPPEN and go to the gym.  If you need friends who don't encourage you to drink like a crazy person or use drugs, then bravely cut them off and find new friends.  If you need to have a date night and some good loving calendared with your sweetheart then write it on the damn calendar and do it!  Remember how I said therapy is only as good as you apply it to your daily life?  Well it is.  Trust me.  Don't spend all that money, time and effort and expect no change necessary.  That is a LIE.  Change is the point.  Change is the healer.  

The fifth thing I want you to know about therapy: You can go back.  Jennifer called them booster visits and I've had a few.  The funny part about mine was that we usually chuckled together because I knew what I needed to do and was well on my way to the right path.  Going to see her for a booster visit was mostly for validation that I was, in fact, coping like a boss without her.  I've kept in contact with her and will send her a periodic email from time-to-time just to solidify that I'm doing well and that she's still there.  I've referred a lot of friends to her. When it came time to leave Utah, I promise you that I had a conscious thought process that included "what if I ever need to go see Jennifer? Will this next home be close enough that I could do that?"  The answer is yes, but I'm confident that I probably won't need to use that lifeline because I am using her advice every day as best I can.  

I am grateful for this milestone.  It has not been an easy 5 years.  Holy hell, at times, it has been everything but easy. I've felt a lot of anger and hate, but I've also learned to deeply, truly love others and myself and I know that my choice to give organized therapy a shot is the reason why.  Don't give up on yourself. Talk to someone who can help you trudge through your sorrow and confusion.

The moral of the story: Breathe. Trust. Love. Have faith in the timing AND the process.  And most of all work.  Work very very hard to be your best you in spite of your imperfections.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Oh, The Places.

Last week many elementary schools in the United States celebrated the birth of Dr. Seuss with a day dedicated to his books and beloved characters. Social media was overflowing with cute art projects, soldier dads reading to classrooms full of kids and lots of quotable quotes from the good man himself.  As I enjoyed the total cuteness of Dr. Suess kiddo fandom, I was reminded of a Dr. Seuss book that continues to influence me even as a grown-up.  The book is, "Oh, the Places You'll Go!"

Who doesn't love Dr. Seuss and his quirky characters and perspective on life?  I loved sharing my thoughts on the Grinch last Christmas.  However, this book definitely takes the front row seat of favorites for me.  "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" was published in 1990 and was Dr. Suess' last published work. It was a deeply introspective book that touched many the minute it hit the bookshelves. I was lucky enough to receive a copy of the book from a family friend when I graduated from high school. She had personalized the book with photos from my childhood and teen years to go along with the words. It meant a lot to me, but I really had NO CLUE what places I would really go, literally and figuratively.

Fast forward 15+ years and here I am at a crossroads of life. I wouldn't categorize it as a mid-life crisis because it is far from what I define as a crisis. If anything it is a time of rebirth, redefining and fine tuning. Added to this mix is the experiences my family is having as my youngest sister finishes up her college education and anxiously awaits to graduate from college.  She and I have always been very close and I am almost a second mom (but cooler and mouthier) so I've had some mamma bear sentimental moments with her. She's my kid sister, not this gorgeous grown-up woman. She and I have talked a lot about what is ahead of her and what her plans for the future include. She is MUCH wiser and more sound with her finances than I ever was or will be, but she still experiences a lot of fear of the future like any normal, yet crazy senior in college. She shared some sentiments on Facebook last night that I really loved and had to laugh about because I remember being in her shoes, except Facebook was still being created and the entire universe didn't know I felt this way. She said, "Whoa. It just hit me that I'm turning 22 this year. What the heck happened to, oh, I don't know, my WHOLE LIFE? Oh, the things I have seen and done. There is really nothing that special about turning 22. It's all like, "Congratulations for settling in to your twenties. Enjoy them while you can 'cause before you know it, you'll be turning 30!" Great. Thanks, Karma. I'll try to remember that." I quickly replied by saying, "Enjoy each moment. I spent a lot of my 20's hating life and wishing for something better."

I often think about what I would tell my 22 year old self.  It's basically what I am telling my almost 22 year old sister. There are a few other things that are deeply personal and not meant for the public eye, but I really do think about what I could have done better.  It took me a good 10 years to embrace my imperfections and cut out the noise of those around me telling me what they thought I should be or do. I rang in my 30's not caring one damn bit about what people thought I should be doing, but I was still an internal mess.  I was coming off of two years of crazy tough therapy as well as an awful job that took its toll emotionally and a relationship that nearly suffocated my soul. Every year of my 30's has been a HUGE year of growth and I can honestly say that last year could not have been survived without the years that lead up to it to prepare me for battle.  BUT, that still doesn't negate how excruciatingly hard it has been to recover and grow. But, life goes on and I feel so much happiness as I discover new places to visit and new adventures to start.  And it doesn't hurt that we have KILLER sunsets in the country.  How can I NOT thank God for the stunning view????

The following passage from Dr. Seuss' book really hit close to my heart because of the many adventures I've had in my 30's.  It says,

"Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And then things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too."

I love this so much! Things can happen and they WILL. I, along with the rest of humanity, dream of having a magic wand to change our circumstances, but that's impossible. Each of the places we go in our lives are with much purpose and intended for growth. Growth is best achieved when we are forced to dig our way out of the dark and find the sunshine again.  Each of the places I've been in my life have brought incredible friends to my circle and critical lessons. Last night at dinner I laughed with my bestie and her husband and mused that if she'd had a perfect marriage with her first husband then she wouldn't know me. Her shit storm became my sunshine and 12 years later we still continue to reminisce on those crazy early days of our friendship and what we've weathered together.

As things start to happen for me here in my new home, I am filled with a TON of peace and happiness that I survived last year, both emotionally and financially, and that I was brave enough to take a chance on a place that is not what I expected it to be. I'm excited to discover new places here in Idaho that I've never been to before.  The next couple of weeks include a lot of travel for work and I'm stoked to see new places, try new restaurants and bask in the beauty of nature.  I'm also excited to plan some vacations that have been dreams for YEARS and treat myself to places that I've always held back for the "what if" scenarios of my life. The time is now for Miss Ray to ENJOY her life and show some self love and care.  That is truly the best place for me to be.  Too many years have been about others first and me second.  I can't do it anymore and that's OK. So off to paradise I will go.....fa reals.

The moral of the story: even the brainy people have to use their footsies to make shit happen.  Find your happy place and GET THERE already!

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R

Harmony Say What??

Greetings, my lovelies! It's been a whirlwind couple of weeks at Chez Ray Country. As we've been closing up the final stages of winter (WOOOOOOOOOOOT!), my entire team at work got crazy sick and of course spread their germs to the boss. Guess how thrilled I was to cancel travel plans to the 'hood in exchange for a NyQuil-induced coma of grand proportions last weekend? To add to it, I've been struggling with transitional growing pains with my move and HUGE shifts that come with life changes and facing realities and blah blah blah.  AND, in case that wasn't enough I decided to dabble a bit in the sludge that is online dating.

So, here's the deal.  I HATE online dating about 90% of the time. The 10% of the time that I have maybe liked it was because I got damn lucky and had the chance to spend some quality time with great guys that were still not my soulmates. I've gone the rounds with friends about how much I hate it because they have had GREAT success with it and met the love of their life via electronic communication and it was "the best thing they ever did." My own best friend met her husband of almost 10 years that way and that was when meeting online was archaic compared to now. He's a pretty decent guy and I remember VERY well when she knew she was in love with him and that they would get married.  P.S. - he's actually one of the greatest men on the planet so I don't ever have much of an ally in her for my hate fire of that one site with the word harmony in it.

That brings me to my next point: harmony.  Who the hell puts harmony in their business name? It's a recipe for disaster if you ask me and I often wonder how harmonious all those sappy relationships on tv actually are after a few years of matrimony.  The whole concept of this particular venue is insanely frustrating for me because it involves 8 bazillion stages and if I'm bored with the mundane process of multiple choice questions I can guarantee that the type of man I enjoy being around is also bored or too busy to care and will never find me anyway. I am the kind of woman who wants to cut the crap, ask some questions to see if we may enjoy each other on a first date, and then get to the point. I'm not a dance recital, fluff promoting, superficial sweet nothings kind of lady. Either it gels or it doesn't.

Then I found this meme on social media.  BOLTS of LIGHTNING, Batman, we have a winner! I promptly posted it on my Instagram feed and had a brief ranty moment mixed with some real honesty that I truly dislike electronic communication and would much rather have a real, live, in-person conversation any day. I mean, let's be honest, I've been in the service industry for my entire career and I've been on hundreds of potentially awkward "first dates" with clients and I'm a champ at making conversation even when I want to punch them in the face.  If I don't have a human in front of me, I would much rather have a phone conversation because I can still hear them and channel their voice signals.  I'm damn good at what I do at work, but electronic communication is NOT my first choice when I'm trying to display my affection or attention and that definitely spills over into my personal life as well.

Communication.  What a beautiful word. For some people I know and love, it's nearly as scary to say out loud as that other c word that sort of sounds like omittment, but with a c.  It's really hard to use grown up words when you just want to lay on your carpet square with your spill-proof sippy cup and take a nap. I get it! But, the fact of the matter is we HAVE to communicate to get shit done.  We just do.  Today I participated in a communication and sales training for work and it was incredibly enlightening when we got to the behavior analysis segment. I've been hearing about this part of the training since I joined the company and I was anxious to take the test for myself and my team lead to see where we landed.  Much to my surprise, we were very much a yin and yang mix.  As I looked back on some specific situations he and I have weathered together, it made sense as to how we approached the issue and how we proposed an outcome.  I also took a minute to analyze a friend of mine as well as my mother and I was SPOT on for both of them.  I'd like to say that the analysis of my mother was a news flash or epiphany, but it wasn't.

The one element of this behavior test that I appreciated the most was the notion that even though we fall into these categories and some of them are a little more challenging to deal with than others (my mother) that we CAN interact with all types of people.  And how do we do that??? We have to choose different words and actions.  Gasp!  Wait what? Additionally, we may react differently in certain situations than we do in others as well as reacting at home vs. the office. I've known for a long time (basically since year 2 of my career) that I'm WAY more OCD at work than I am at home. The dream of channeling the obsessive attention to detail of paper clip type and color or optimum sticky notes dimensions will never manifest itself with folding laundry. Be that as it may, I also discovered today, that this particular behavior test was very true with my personal friendships as well as my professional relationships.  I am a talker and a supporter. I need validation.  I need your ears and your affirmation. BUT, I also want to support you and am fiercely loyal and always willing to listen and be the mamma bear, resting bitch face queen, whatever you need, when you need it.  Sound familiar to anyone who knows me well?

My point?  Know your communication style and figure it our for those you care about and whose relationships you value the most. Even though I get ranty about my mother, I really do make an effort to communicate with her in the way that she understands, but I'm also gutsy enough to tell her straight up what I need from her to make our relationship work better. THAT part of the equation is a topic for another day. But, I know that it is possible to make the relationships work when we make the effort to communicate with harmony for both of us.  And so with that I will say this..........

The moral of the story: future baby daddy will likely not be from an electronic meet up facilitated by a website advertising harmonious match-ups and that is for the greater good of humanity.

Until next time, my lovelies!
-R